While I wait for the Timeline Borg to assimilate me

You will be assimilated

While I wait for the facebook Borg to assimilate me into the Timeline upgrade, I can hear the muffled cries from the corridor as mates of mine are taken over one by one or in waves. For the few days from the 31st of March I checked every hour or two, half expecting the FB police to have broken in and dragged my profile away. But still nothing.  Well past caring at this point, I'm just waiting for them to come and get me. It's not so bad once you know what to do, it's even frustrating waiting for them to come. The fact is that once it happens, I'll be hiding most of posts from the first day to about a month of posts before the top of the month. I've got the software that allows me to not see Timeline on my or anybody else's wall, and Facebook won't be able to have fun with my facts. ( see below)

It's bad enough as a writer that no one wants to pay us to produce content, I'm not going to allow some corporate Nestene Conciousness make money off my whimsy, pics, personal life or serious threads. Unlike some, while I'm not enthused by the lay out and find the look confusing, I'm not objecting to the imposition of Timeline on those grounds, no I have more serious reasons. Reasons that if you think about them, are perfectly rational. First of all, the old wall was a huge mass of difficult to search information of everything we'd ever done or said in Facebook, and that was fine.... but now you get a handy search tool that allows any of your old or new friends to find out what was happening on the 17th of March 2004. I don't remember what happened on March 17th 2004, so why should Reg from Luton know? Am I the subject of some in depth academic study for a graduate student trying to tie in my musings to  political events? Is The Sun doing a fluff piece about me on my choice of toast spread over the last 5 years? If I was, they'd have to ask me first and it would be ME telling them , not some bit of intrusive software.

There are things that happened 3 months ago that want forgetting, let alone what petty or serious trouble I might have got into trouble over in 2006. Today I'm happy, my cat is happy, my wife is happy and my father is happy. None of us need to be reminded about some insanity that occurred so long ago our brains have blotted them out. I don't want to be reminded or let all my mates know about my mother dying last year or how dear departed cat Buzu was run over by a car 6 years ago. Yet Facebook has already started doing the "Keith said: I could kill a cupa about now" or Louise said: "That was the best Doctor Who ever!". Where when???? Doctor Who isn't on now? Oh ... in Dec 2009 they said these things. Do I care? I don't want to know, will I comment all over again???. Wait till my mates get a load of 6 years of my match day highlights.

Here is a sampling
Fuckity Fuck Fuck...... damn
Shoooooollaaaaa Yesssssssssssss
Nooooooooooooo
Who hates Howard Webb
1-0 Get in!
Typical Toon
Halftime, off for a slash and some food.

Are you addressing your comments to me?

And as these things are randomly posted, the original posts taken utterly out of context, will seem all the more bizarre and inexplicable. I'm not 12 years old, I'm a mature male with a family, bills to pay and a varied set of interests. Even if I wrote a diary of the events in my life, I wouldn't let  most of my closest friends read it, and Facebook want us to share with all and sundry? I am not a product nor am I source of entertainment to others when they have run out of other things to do. Facebook seems to think that all people want to share their lives and photos and utterances from time immemorial as if we will always be teenagers. Most people and that includes most teens don't want that much info about them that easily found. Why else not friend your parents and your in-laws. What we do and say in Facebook is what we used to do and say in MSN Chat or private e-mails. But Timeline is designed to make it so easy for others to pry,  we've been admonished by Facebook to make sure there's nothing we don't want others to see before OUR Timeline profile goes public.

How badly do you want this job?

Speaking of who's asking.... prospective employers are asking for passwords and looking at Timelines even now. For this there is now a lawsuit in California pending.  Surely Facebook lawyers aren't so stupid as to not have anticipated this? As well, all you need is one false friend to read your deep personal history and you can kiss your identity goodbye. Forget about getting hacked, you can do plenty with less than Timeline offers, get into most credit card accounts and e-mails. Why make it even easier??? Simply saying greed is not an answer, it can't be.

Why are we being forced in the first place? What, other than being more fodder for advertisers, is in it for us? Why are we being treated like naughty children who should appreciate what's being done for us? Why when they are clearly covering their arse , they still adopt a paternalistic tone that makes any person over the age of  15 feel like Nana is forcing you to wear a scarf as it's cold and you're too stupid to figure it yourself? Well I never asked for it. In fact most people asked for the right NOT to have it. Where do these people get off forcing such things on us? They own the site and it's free to use? Not an excuse. It's an abuse of power and at worse an abuse of the information they themselves profess not to own and that we can allegedly control. It's gotten so that to enjoy Facebook, I've had to resort to no fewer than three separate bits of software in Firefox to hide the unwanted, but forced on, news feed that circumvented several privacy settings and caused us to spend a day resetting them. ( while I'm on about this, just how often have we had to reset our privacy settings?),I've yet to make any sense of the private messages I used to have that are now just a jumbled collection of long conversations with people about everything we ever IM'd each other about AND chatted about in chat. I must have  accumulated, at least a week of constant clicking blocking every poxy game and app I've ever been invited to use. And now a  new bit of kit is already installed ready to hide Timeline as and when they assimilate me.

All this work and effort to make it look like it did BEFORE they fixed it. Surely there must be a message in there somewhere. Perhaps it's "Leave it alone already, it works fine" or "NO we won't let you use our information that way", alternatively "If I wanted to have a news feed that twitched and wobbled like that, I would have asked my 12 year old cousin  to design a web page for me.". Any way you slice it, Facebook has taken the piss so often in the name of monetization that they have gone out their way to make sure we know they don't give a flying fuck what we think. I want my friends, they hang out at the park, if want to see them , I have to go to the park. One day when the police have beaten them, intimidated them and abused them enough, they will move on to a new place. But for now the search parties have come up empty and unhappy. With luck, the European Union will pass laws that protect users from such abuse and identity infringements and actions that are illegal and punishable by the courts.

I doubt the Hive mind that runs Facebook will take any notice of this, but if they are  reading, the law will catch up to you and apply to you. We wish you were as concerned about racism, bullying and organization of looting parties or riots as you are concerned with the imposition of a feature very clearly many millions of people don't want. If we accept that Facebook is a business, than we can assume reasonably that like any business that exceeds it's authority with users, it will face the double consequence of investigation and regulation. What will follow will be no more pleasant to Facebook bosses than the current and continued user abuse wherein Facebook rams down throats, change after change, most designed to make money off our information regardless of how complicated what should otherwise be a pleasant experience becomes.

And let's talk about business. Hundreds of thousands of businesses, political parties and media outlets  have invested money and time to use Facebook as a marketing tool. They have paid Facebook for special apps that work and are appreciated even by most users. But with Timeline as with every other improvement, Facebook have yet again thrown the baby out with the bath water. Companies have seen  potential clients  stop using facebook pages that have gone Timeline in droves, with an immediate and tangible drop off in business for the companies so affected.  Some might call this "loss of revenue", some might call it "breach of contract". In fact some could sue. Facebook, just how much more of this before we all leave or you figure out being a pushy orang-utan with no respect for others is bad for business?

The last time a social media got this out of hand, it went from giant killer money making phenom of the century, to beggar bowl web site wondering what went wrong. In case you're wondering...I mean you Myspace. The only reason Facebook hasn't yet collapsed, is because a viable alternative that respects people's privacy and normal social patterns hasn't turned up.

When I was boy, there was lovely Jewish bakery I used to go to. The nice old man behind the counter could ask me in at least 10 languages "if I wanted anything else and btw , how was my Mother doing?  Here's an extra bagel for her." He knew that being nice to his clients and making them want to come back even if it was a little cheaper somewhere else, was what was going to keep his daughter's child in braces and food. He knew that by being like this to his best clients, even the least of them would come back, even yet, they would tell others about him. That's called goodwill in retail, something Facebook clearly has no concept of. If he'd have chased off his best clients in favour of selling wata ( vata: wonderbread ) so he could live off the trade of toothless morons, he would  have fast gone out of business. Like I said before, soon as we find a friendly place that sells a nice rye or kimmel or maybe those nice kaiser buns or a knish, we'll be gone so fast you won't know to tell a tell the diffrence between a Newcastle Street on a Saturday at 3pm and a deli where the cheesecake has run out. 

I'm going to go back to waiting with deep suspicion for the Timeline storm troopers to take me down, till then remember the wise words of my grandmother, "Always wear clean underwear; if you get hurt and go to the hospital, I don't want the doctors thinking I raised a szwinia" .... So maybe not appropriate for this situation, but still words to live by.

PS: Quick primer on how to prepare for Timeline if God forbid they get you.

1- when you are assimilated, you will be offered the chance to "clean up" or edit your information. DO IT. Start by hiding from Timeline any information older than the last three months.

2- Delete all superfluous posts about games you have played, one line oddness that made no sense even a half hour after it was posted.

3- Insure that if you have a blog or other such public url you are promoting, to keep it open to see.

4- Insure that deeply personal or intimate events that occurred a long time ago stay in the past. Even new friends can read these .

5- Lastly, install the following software. I works on all browsers but IE. (If you're on IE , really still?, get off it, you won't miss it ) It's called TimeLineRemove . What it does is like Feed Filter,  it's got one job only, it hides Timeline. You're still on it, but you can't see it. Your wall and every other wall will be like it was pre Timeline. There will be an icon that allows you enter or exit Timeline block.

SO NOW YOU'RE READY TO GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. What now?

Don't forget to purge your  wall of stories to keep up with the blocking of stories you don't want seen. Every person who hasn't bothered to do the above will see your Timeline, you need to be sure only what you want seen remains.  I will be keeping a 30 day buffer that I'll clear out on the last weekend of every month. Yet more work I know, but it's only way to beat them.

Clear as mud? Tell me what isn't.  Happy Easter to my Christian family & mates and Good Passover to my Jewish family and friends. As for the rest of you, you know who you are, eat the chocolate and be nice.

Is it over yet? Ah Good Morning or Hello or whatever it's 2011

Yes more Whiskey please.... Drink, Feck, Arse!

Time for some resolutions, this year I will not say Glake, mong or eedjit..... unless of course I'm provoked.

I will avoid temptation and not watch anything with Katie Price, James Corden or Amanda Holden.... As I already do that and it's good common sense it's hardly a resolution....

I will drop a few pounds ... by buying some shit I don't need on the internet...

Lastly and most importantly... I will not allow myself to be broken hearted by a football team this year. We'll see how long that one lasts.


I include this bit, as the response is worthy of reprinting elsewhere. To explain if you've just stumbled on this. In my year end review I and apparently several other reviews, ripped Gilles and Sue take the Piss a new arsehole, Yer Kieth Telly Topping pointed out that maybe we were being too sensitive. What follows is my response.


On a less flippant note... the conceit of the good life may in fact be a huge conceit on the part of some. In fact I can point the fickle finger of falseness at many I personally know, but the reason I may be somewhat sensitive to this is that We as a family have taken a concious decision some 5 years ago to stop the waste and cut out as much of the so called necessities people seem  to have got addicted to. Our kitchen is prety much gadget free, only a few plug in, and as and when we get a garden space even a quarter as small as on the Good Life, we're planting our own veg at least part of the time. As I mention in my last thing, cutting oneself off from the world like some Amish ( I can insult the Amish as they can't see this and won't send a letter to ofcom) is stupid, Cromagnan man survived by trade while Neanderthals died out cold and alone in caves near Gib. Adapt and change I agree , but the need to recognize that we have gone too far in some regards needs to be respected. Far too many people I know think the automatic dish washer is a right and that all veg comes flash frozen & precut in a zapable bag. These people don't even cook. We don't need four wheel drive tanks to go from home to the mall and back, our larders are empty of great foods we used to eat just a 40 or 50 years ago. That's why I got excited. Plus Sue seemed to just give up a lot far too early so she can dig in her bag of jokes. Oh My I've become a Presbyterian do gooder Well maybe not a bad thing all the time. Ian Hislop proved that these people were a good counter weight to the absolute excess and abandon of the people on the opposite side of the house.

Speaking of compost and veg and horrid people.... Did anybody watch the Nigel Slater bio pic Toast? I never thought Helena Bonham Carter could be that ....common. Thank G-d my gran never cooked by boiling tins in a pot is all I'll say. If she had, I might have grown up gay and resentful. Here EAT the Lemon meringue pie you Bitch! MY ROAST SUCKLING PIG is better than yours! And the Harlequin romance moment when he kissed the guy in the apple orchard was too much. As my wife said, the actual event must have been far too painfully embarrassing to recount.  PRESS HERE FOR APOLOGY if it really happened that way. (To all and sundry in general, generally speaking, I generally apologise for my less than stellar behaviour. There have been reasons, but then again everyone has them...generally. My light and general drivel should in no way be interpreted as a lack of remorse on my part. Sorry - truly I am. )

My head head hurts and I'm tired ......

Apparently my spell check thinks arsehole isn't a word, so I asked it to tell me how I SHOULD spell it. Seems it's spelled Arsenal.

I suppose now is as good a time and excuse to have another cookery related post. I hear you saying Mietek just what do I need for a complete pantry ?  How can I get past the salt and pepper and bacon simili? A good question and one that deserves an honest answer.

The short version is that you need as many spices and liquids as you can lay hands on to make Thai, Chinese, Asian, general Northern European fare and Italian. Here's a nice simple list, if you have what it takes to make a Garam Masala at home, you have a pretty good spice rack. Everything else should be dictated by your own cultural peculiarities. Being Polish, we have a thing for honey, vanilla, saffron, allspice and nutmeg. You'll need several cooking and drinking wines, spirits, vinegars and things like fish sauce or sesame oil. Also dried things like wild mushrooms and the lovely Chinese ones. Other stuff you need to get cooking are replacements for butter when doing kosher or halal . Chief among them are Ghee and of course Crisco. When baking or doing puddings, don't be afraid of the fruits and nuts and earthy spices. Get honey, almonds, walnuts and assorted raisins, prunes and figs.

Ask yourself where your family comes from, and if the answer is not reflected in the food you eat today, get busy rediscovering your culinary roots. Do you live in Cornwall or Northumbria? Try some regional dishes, there's a reason they became popular where you live, I can assure you they are all wonderful and at least as interesting as whatever deeply foreign food you have been eating because its cool. The tragedy that local foods have disappeared almost entirely in some places is down to people being afraid of eating something gross or boring.  Try something fresh from the market instead of the big box frozen place, you'll be surprised at just good it's supposed to taste.

And listen up you modern vegetarians who have taken up the cause but aren't Buddhist or something, try some fresh locally sourced meat that was properly butchered. It's lovely, it tastes great, it's rich in flavours and will blow you away. The rest of you, try mutton, veal, goat or rabbit. All meats that used to have huge favour in the population. They haven't stopped being good, you just don't know how to cook it anymore. Ask your Nan, read a recipe book, ask the butcher at the farmer's market. Too good to eat offal? try some tripe, it won't kill you.

Then there's seafood we don't touch because we're too good for that sort of thing. The UK is full of shellfish, regular fish and other sea sourced edibles that are routinely send en masse shipped to Spain and France.The limited palette of the average person compared to the bad old days of boiled everything and all,  makes the provincial ancestor look like a connoisseur of fine foods. Stop codling yourself and your children and try something gross and icky for a change, like maybe strong or runny cheeses, St Aubin, Charles the 7th, Limberger. Real Cheddar, the strong stuff , not the cheese product wrapped in plastic.Take the £20 you were going to waste on crisps chocies and other assorted things and just this once go to the cheese shop, walk past the bouzouki player and ask the man proudly for some Wensleydale, Red Leicester or Caboc, he may even be able to suggest some other things that go with it.

Then of course you have your drinks section, beer is canny to cook with and even bake with, try a variety, buy some scrumpy, and do try the fruit syrups in water, it's tens times better than any cheap soda you'll find in market. All of these things can be found in ethnic shops and proper markets.

Did I mention baking? Make your own bread, biscuits and cakes, it's not all easy , but it's hardly as difficult as you think it is.  I suspect every library worthy of the name, has a baking section  with any number of recipes that will start you off on a long life of filling your home with the smell of hot fresh bread. Too busy you say?  Not too busy to take 5 or ten minutes at a time spread over two hours to make a loaf or three. You still have time for facebook, telly, a walk. Enough with the excuses, just try it, you'll see how you can suddenly live without the video games or zoning out on rubbish telly designed for the lowest common denominator.

If you only do one thing this year, open your kitchen and your mouth to the world of flavours you may have been missing out on. Your taste buds will thank you and your children will stop being fussy. 90 % of all allergies and food conditions are bollocks, they are just an excuse and crutch used by lazy people to avoid eating anything they find odd, a modern form of hypochondria. For example a lactose intolerant Chinese person is normal, as milk and cheeses in particular are foreign to their diet, a Southern Hindu who hasn't eaten meat of any kind in several centuries understandably has a hard time with beef, but a European who claims peanut, milk and gluten allergies when we have eaten these foods since before Roman times, is complete insanity. Stop making excuses and start eating already, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

And on that note, I'm off to finish the the cheese and meatballs we didn't eat last night. Slange , bonne apetit, na zdrowie, enjoy the day off and maybe tomorrow you cook, yes?

Germany to re-arm, Russia reacts, Poland wishes it were somewhere else

A few days ago the BBC announced that Germany was going to re-arm. As a person born to parents who lived through WW2 and Poles to boot, I had that feeling you get when a shadow crosses your path for no apparent reason. My father made a face and whispered "Not again" and my wife got very agitated. While the rest of you sit safe in your homes, in some cases thousands of kilometres away from Germany,  those of us who's souls and in some cases current property still reside in Poland along with a lot of relatives, that combination of words makes us have an  instinctive knee jerk reaction that says "You what?".  Early on about two years ago now, Russia quietly started spending money on arms and rebuilding it's professional standing army. In such a world, it was only a few minutes after this German announcement  we were laughing at a joke that goes "If a German Tank and a Russian Tank start moving at the same speed, which one will get to Warsaw first?". Some of you will recall the Top Gear ep where Jezza was road testing a Mecedes S class and the default destination setting on the satnav was Warsaw. This kind of gallows humour reminds us of our history and keeps  us on our toes, but is it a fair reaction in December 2010?

And while I still think I shouldn't trust a Russian leader as far as I can spit, I have to suspend my own prejudices when it come to Germans and Germany.  Lets review a few historic facts

1- France and Germany were enemies for several centuries and fought several devastating wars.
2- England and France were enemies for several centuries and fought several devastating wars.
3- Holland and Germany were enemies for several centuries and fought several devastating wars.
4- England and Spain were enemies for several centuries and fought several devastating wars.
5- Most recently.....Most Irish Catholics and most Irish Protestants were enemies for several centuries and fought several devastating wars.

And yet all of these nations now consider themselves good friends diplomatically, commercially and culturally. In fact if we were to draw up a list of most dangerous countries  in our respective states, we would all lead with Russia, China and various terrorist organisations and rogue states whose sole aim is to destabilise the current peace. I recognize that the person born in 1960, as I was, but in Germany, and their children, are not the same people their predecessors were. These new citizens are on the whole, law abiding, freedom loving, eco aware, open minded, well educated, tolerant people who vote pretty much like most every other Western European living and breathing today. People  with whom I would naturally have more affinity with than the modern day Russian who is just waiting for Czar Putin to crown himself and re-establish Greater Russia and wipe the bothersome dissidents out of the way, along with gays, artists, editorialists and satirists. Why should I fear a re militarized Germany? Isn't it time that Germany was fully re integrated into the great circle of Great  Nations it used to belong to? It has since WW2 rebuilt itself and and it's economy and rapidly regained it's pre-eminent role in world markets and monetary policy, welcomed it's Jews back, It has made room for the largest group of Turks and other asylum seekers in Europe,  it has become the World leader in the fight against green house gasses, it has led Europe in it's support of every Peace initiative going,  and  has led Europe in establishing norms that will stabilise the Euro and trading relations among member states and other trading partners. Germany was one of the first economies to come out of recession and not harm workers in the way that far right regimes around the world have. If anything, Germany has been a good and loyal member of Nato since 1955 often outstripping other member states in their contributions.

Why wouldn't I sleep well at night knowing that German soldiers were at the ready to defend me and my neighbours from outside aggression? The last time I was nasty to Germans, was about 4 years ago. To my shame, I reacted badly, along with it must be said , the rest of the pub, to a group of Austrians in Lederhosen. It was well into to the evening and most of us had been onto our 4th or 5th pint, being of sound mind and judgement, we started quietly at first making sieg heil noises and pretending we had tiny moustaches, building up to a low murmur they could not have helped hearing. These people just came in wanting a drink and some camaraderie and we were hostile. Otherwise rational men and some women of mixed English, Irish and other assorted Guinness appreciating peoples, allowed drink to cloud our minds and revert to instinctive tribal memory. In the end, they were served and most of us, myself included realized just how stupid we had been, some even went over to talk to them.  And that is the point. These people are not the bogey men they used to be.They are more like us than not like us. Germans and Germany should be trusted to be allowed what all other mature allied nations have taken for granted for decades.

As a person of Polish descent, I cannot help but have a reactions long engrained in tribal memory, but as a modern European and open minded person, it is my duty to set aside these feelings when I recognize the irrationality of them. This is not to say that I won't ever give up my bullshit meter and built in alarm that warns me long before the rest of you ever see it, that something dangerous this way comes. That would be irresponsible. But it is in fact this same detection system within me that tells me despite my previous views, these people are my friends and I should trust them.

While I may have reservations about giving up whole sections of sovereignty to the greater European dream, I cannot fault the goal of the dream. It says we are what we are, but we are also Europeans and if we fight each other we will fall into conflict again, if we cooperate, we will rise above the petty squabbles and achieve the unfulfilled  historical evolution we were headed towards before WW1 broke out. I would like to think that my children's children will live in a peaceful safe and prosperous Europe, precisely because we have taken the step to finally trust each other. Greece, Romania and other nations with dodgy banking practices have much to learn, but at least the tools to deal with the situation are not tanks and guns and bombs any more. It's only fair to allow Germany to achieve the same level of security Great Britain, France, Italy and others take for granted today.

I much prefer to recall the Germany of Frederick the Great over that of the Mad Adolf Hitler and his immediate predecessor Kaiser Wilhelm the II. Today's Germany is a Right of Centre coalition led by Angela Merkel, a Government  that should it loose favour, is more likely to be replaced by left of centre elements than fascists. Her Government and most parties in the Bundestag are strongly opposed to the rise of the extreme right in some parts of it's territories and is aware that the problem of the far right is a greater threat in the old Slavic Central and Eastern Bloc of nations. Even in the Simon pure West, fascist parties are on the rise, surely something we should all fear and fight against. Germany has long ceased to be an implacable enemy or even a niggling problem, they are a full ally and friend we cannot allow to be held back by old prejudices. Great Britain, France and the rest of the European Union recognize that Germany is one of the pillars of a viable modern Europe and one of the few states that has the moral authority to dictate public policy without having to blush every few weeks at the latest antics of its politicians and merchant classes.

The Only place I want to beat up on Germany, is the Football pitch.

We shall fight them on the editorial pages

We shall fight them on the blogosphere and we shall fight them in public opinion. The Con-Dem government nobody voted for is now clearing the way for an attack on the very institution that makes Britain the jewel in the English speaking broadcast crown. They are greasing the track for a mass raid on talent, money and Corporation facilities to be handed over to the private sector. This same private sector that has stopped short of showing us extensive coverage of Katie Price's vagina, the same private sector that has reduced the intellect required to watch most programmes in the last 5 years to charvs who cannot spell and aren't even sure how to boil water.

Clearly the content on offer at BBC1, BBC2, BBC3 and BBC4 , all fulfil the needs of different parts of the watching public. They each in their own way cater to or pander to specific demographics. But the vast majority of the content is at least based on the desire to inform, entertain and expand the mind of viewers.  If the private sector was able to do this , then there would be no need to have the BBC. But clearly the most cursory scan of the television schedule on any day of the week reveals a sad picture of American programmes, copies of American programmes and charv culture in such abundance you could be forgiven if you thought no one had graduated school in ten years.

My own viewing habits are a case in point. The following is a list of programmes I have deemed worthy of my time. Programmes I have in some cases gone out of my way to see they are so good. See how many of them aren't on the BBC.

Doctor Who, Spooks, Torchwood, Victorian Farm, Eggheads, Mongrels, Rev, Graham Norton, Coronation Street, Midsommer Murders, Top Gear, Mock The Week, You've been watching, 8 out of 10 cats, Secret Diaries of a call girl, Luther, Jonathan Creek, Qi, The Bubble, Private life of Chickens, Proms, Big Bang Theory,  Look North, Question time,The Mentalist, Time Team, The entire BBC4 nature and science output for the last year, Raymond Blanc secrets, Master Chef, Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsay, Outnumbered, Joanna Lumley cats/Nile, The week long programme about a car crash investigation, The IT crowd, Doc Martin, Coast, The entire BBC history of the sea season, Dunkirk, The World Cup on BBC. I can go on, but the point would be that outside of a handful of programmes  outside the BBC, I can safely say that I would not be sad to see C5 go the way of the dodo or see C4 be absorbed into the BBC.  ITV has become a parody if itself, foregoing quality for cheap programmes aimed at the same demographic Big Brother was made for. BBC Television does for people what any decent national television network should do. Is it perfect?  Big Top and the Pursuasionists are proof even they make the occasional mistake. But at the end of the day, our telly would be that much poorer without the BBC we know.

The iPlayer, is perhaps the best thing since the invention of the wheel, without being accused of hyperbole. Being able to catch up on programmes  conveniently sorted by name, genre and station is the best way to get some shows a greater audience. The iPlayer is a perfect tool to get maximum bang for the money spent on BBC product. Any move to limit the use or support of the iPlayer should be viewed with  deep suspicion.

The BBC website and news division are integral to the way most people gather news and has a reputation of honesty and accuracy most other news organizations would love to have. To target the news and sports division for selling off and dismantling is destroying a journalistic tradition that goes back so far that most people at the Sun, friends of the government and certain other papers would have to work their way up for a decade to merely come close to that level of quality. Does anybody seriously take Sky news as a credible source for news? Since when is cynical thinly veiled right wing propaganda news?  There is little wonder we are seeing the rise of the BNP/EDL hate mongers among the young and impoverished school leavers too stupid to read for themselves or check facts. Sky has been spoon feeding this lot with enough paranoia and fear to fuel a decade or lunacy. The service provided by the BBC website as a whole is greater than any measure of economy that could be brought to bear on a few highly paid executives and talent. We get our news, we get our base information on everyday things, we get a relatively quick update of information so finely tuned that if somebody farts in an interesting way in Durham, it will be posted and findable with little difficulty. I could say I'm not pleased with the facelift of the BBC news section, but I'll give it a week to prove me wrong. At it's core it's still the same BBC I count on every day of the week.

National and local radio is another place the Beeb has a definitive place in the broadcast landscape. We are surrounded by stations trying to sell us the same top 40 pap with the occasional new x factor bint or himbo breaking the monotony of safe inoffensive drivel that appeases secretaries , housewives and 12 year girls. Where else will you hear new cutting edge music, radio drama and comedy, short audio documentaries and intellectual content Magic and Galaxy will never go near. How else will regional acts not lucky enough to get on Virgin radio get a shot at stardom or at least being heard by  a group bigger than 30 people. When was the last time you heard Elgar on the drive time show. As for the new music, some of which I despise btw, it's like what I want to hear now but can't due to the top 40 storm, it was once cutting edge and new. Local and national outlets of the BBC owe it to the artists that struggle to get heard and should give them as much freedom of access as can be granted. For every Alaxardra Burque who warbles her way to fame on the back of Darth Cowell, there are thousands of artists of every kind who are more deserving of exposure, but are lucky to be heard at all. Whole genres of music depend on the continued help of the BBC to be heard and remain vital living art forms. From Celtic to Bhamra If it weren't for the BBC, it wouldn't be played on mainstream radio or telly.


One last and at least as important thing the BBC does. Without the BBC, regional content and culture and the culture of those who chose to settle in Great Britain would not be reflected. Left to it's own devices, ITV and other private channels would have created a white London centric identity that would have eventually washed away any trace of the regional and replaced it with Westminster English. I know I know , the BBC had it's own role in this as well, but wisely was smart enough to recognize when it was wrong. Today the mandate of the BBC should be recognized and affirmed as the torch bearer of British culture and history, it should be the voice of superlative journalism and the place to see Cricket, Rugby and football without having to subscribe to the special Sky sports pack.

What precisely is bothering the BBC haters like Jeremy Hunt? Competition, alleged unfair competition, Is it so wrong to pay talent a proper wage? How much money is wasted on Piers Morgan or Peter Andre. How much is Jeremy Kyle taking home?  Clearly enough to continue putting out the dreck they do. So why shouldn't talented people like Wossy or Norton or David Mitchell be paid a wage that will keep them at the BBC?  You want quality, you need to pay for it. Can there be some economies? Of course, every place can do it, but  taking a machete to The Beeb, is just criminal. During the war my father listened to broadcasts of music, comedy and drama that kept his and the minds of millions of people off the day to day misery that was life under the threat of bombs. Today the Beeb educates, entertains and gives hope to all kinds from University of the air to how to grow your own drugs.

So who exactly is benefiting from this attack on the BBC?  The private sector, the sector that would have you believe there is only one culture, one view, one demographic and one Britain worth broadcasting to and informing.   It's going to be a long summer, and when the  savages are at the gates, we'll need to be ready to keep the damage to a minimum. Is the BBC worth the money spent on it?  A  BIG FAT YES.

Help an hour of my life's been stolen: ITV's Drama season kicks off

ITV are class if nothing else. The network that brought us Sherlock Holmes , Midsommer Murders and the great voyeuristic drama Diary of a call girl, kicked off it's drama season tonight. All during the bits of the World Cup  Adrian Chiles bored us with , we got to see the princess and the PURRvurse veg in her bedding, we also got to see the dramatic best bits of IDENTITY, the new ITV cop drama meant to get us all excited about identity theft. Well just to make sure we didn't forget it was on, we got several trails on Corrie and in a presumably unrelated story line, Sean and Michelle create a fake facebook account using Liz MacDonald's identity to see if Violet has posted any pics of her baby son .....Sean's kid,  keep up people ......I'm sure it will all end in tears.

Now in real life an identity thief gets your credit card and books a flight to Warsaw , buys a flat screen telly and tries to empty your bank account. Once he's done or you've reported your cards compromised, the party ends. To build a programme on such a thin premise requires a lot of suspension of disbelief and some cracking good writing.

So did that happen?

 Identity finally starts with an OTT  dramatic  situation  in which the police try to keep a man from committing suicide over a man named Smith .....  He' hasn't done nuffink  Guv  honest  it was all Smith.....He hates me, he wants me ruined..... Ok so we get it , whackjob out for revenge of some kind.  It gets better, seems our victim was in Afghanistan and saved some  soldiers life, he's well hard, that's why he tried to kill himself with a sniper rifle yeah.... And the aptly cast Keeley Hawes plays a DCI based almost entirely on Alex Drake formerly of 1983 (Identity theft). She has worked hard to create an Identity division  and by gum  it had better work warns her boss.... she even has a broken detective she's brought in from the cold who spent 10 years under cover working with the Bulgarian mafia or something. Whatever you do,  warns the gaffer, don't try and fix him , he's past his sell by date, yeah we get it , don't get close, don't sleep with him , don't be surprised when he screws up.

The look, pacing and acting of this drama are a near perfect copy of the style of Spooks ( MI5 for you Americans), oh my  Identity theft again! They even have the gadget guy and the woman who goes through bank statements and web sites, thrilling I know.  The only problem is, however you light, act, and film this, the script is some of the worst writing to hit our screens since some first year drama student wrote a Harry Potter fanfic . Over the top speeches, wholly unbelievable dialogue delivered in bad pantomime style reminiscent of mob films about London in the 80's, written by people who live in the country and eat nothing but veg. It gets worse, the so called plot , if you believe it, is that the bad guy has done this before, he steals a person's identity to torture them as they spend the rest of their natural lives in prison or commit suicide. His latest victim spends the ep looking like a deer in head lights  gibbering about how this person knows everything and he's a waste of space and deserves to be dead. Well yes , I don't disagree, but I though you're supposed to sympathize with the victim?  Half way through the hour I lost any interest I may have had in any of the characters or the denouement of the story.  I think they arrested the son of the geezer the veteran rescued in Afghanistan. Seeing as most identity thieves are anonymous, almost never caught and not psychotic vengeance mad mental patients, I don't see how this expensive, well cast , badly written badly acted  ITV detritus will survive the next few weeks. Bottom line is that I didn't give a toss about any of the characters at the beginning and cared even less when I tuned out.  With luck it will be quietly moved to a later time slot and sold off to a market where this sort of thing looks good compared to repeats of Columbo. On the Vogon Poetry scale of bad . 10 being where you gnaw your own leg off after 10 seconds, this was at least a 7 bordering on 8.5. Had I not tried to last as long as possible ( 30 minutes adverts included in my case) I would have turned it off after the opening 5 minutes.

The good news is that you now know to plan around this. You could have watched the Well good show, but we already know that's a 10 on the Vogon scale, you could have watched a repeat of Cities of the world  or just taken a walk. Being a divorced Dad I could have watched the BBC thing A Century of Fatherhood, but I think I'll pass as I was having a mostly good day till now. Tomorrow the football returns and the hope of nations hang on the whims and talent of referees and footballers.  Sadly it's ITV's turn to make a hash of the coverage yet again, so I'll   just be tuning in for the kick off and forced to  migrate to five live for commentary. Come on you Oranje, we all want a Holland Germany final.

Before I forget, Digital spy reports that

Johnny Depp has been linked to a movie version of Doctor Who.According to website Tor, an article appeared on PubArticles which allegedly quoted former showrunner Russell T. Davies.Davies reportedly said that he was in the process of developing a Doctor Who movie and promised that the Daleks would be involved. However, the article was later removed.Tor has now claimed that sources in the film industry have confirmed that Depp will star in a Doctor Who. It is unclear how genuine the reports are as Davies has previously said that he has no plans to make a Doctor Who movie. film, which would be released in 2012.
 
This from the same site that couldn't get the weather right if they stuck their heads out the window. Digital Spy make The Sun look like the Times of London some days. All I can say is, better be as accurate as all the other equally imaginative Who rumours floated in the past.

You're forgiven for now Wayne & the Pandorica opens

So yesterday I asked if it could get any worse. Shock of shocks, the Earth didn't open up and swallow us, the rains did not come down like righteous anger from the Gods and nobody had a supernaturally bad day at the World Cup. Wayne Rooney even apologized for being a twat on camera. It's Ok Wayne, we know you're not famous for having the wisdom and patience of the Mahatma Ghandi. Hell even he had the occasional off day. So if you and the rest of the England squad don't stink up the park next Wednesday, we might even return to normal service.

So what did happen today? we had three matches , two were brilliant end to end stuff and one was reminiscent but not quite as interesting as watching the bit at the awards ceremony when the accountants come out to explain how the voting works.  Holland Japan was technically perfect, Holland enjoyed over 70% possession and Japan frankly didn't show up. So how you ask me  was it possible for the scoreline to be 1-0? Very easy. Unlike Our own lads the day before, the Dutch super stars who populate some of the best clubs in Europe and England, decided to take the path of least resistance. They played pass the ball for a bit , then they did it some more. At some point the manager noticed they hadn't scored a goal yet so signalled the need for them to perhaps try.  For a few minutes the match came to life and Sneijder put one in at the 83 minute where upon they they promptly went back to sleep. Now I'm not for a minute suggesting there is some kind of contractual obligation for teams to provide entertaining footie. I even understand that you get to the next stage as best you can, but honestly,  football of the living dead was a bit much. If they hope to put Argentina or Germany ( should they make it out) to sleep with this , it may more likely turn around and bite them in the ass. Holland can play some strikingly delicious football before they habitually fold like a house of cards to the Germans, it's what we expect of them, so why the sleep walking act? I suspect it was more a desire to protect players from injury ahead of the next stage.

Ghana Australia was another matter entirely . Comedy gold that was. Australia was awash in controversy over if Harry Kewell was going to play or not. Well he did . We even had a pool as to how long he would stay on before he was gone. I had 34 minutes, as it is he was sent off on 23 minutes. Handball if you're curious, a few more inches it would have been his chest and he'd have been a hero. He even argued the card and had to be escorted off the pitch. Kewell aside, both  teams played to win and a 10 man Australia barely showed signs they were even bothered by what would have crippled a lesser side. Lots of chances going both ways, great goal keeping. Some of us even wondered if we could just dispense with a search for a new keeper and offer Schwarzer a British passport. In the end it was a 1-1 draw with both teams deserving the single point. An entertaining match  that went by so fast you never really did  notice the passage of time.

The last match of the day was the equally entertaining but ultimately sad Cameroon v Denmark . The 2-1 result belies the effort both teams put in. A galaxy of current, past and future Premiership stars fought it out in the best flowing match perhaps of the entire tournament. Both keepers were outstanding and the pace was electric. The strategy was to win and not be too worried about leaking goals. The end result was an end to end contest filled with spectacular shots hits and tackles. Samuel Eto Nicholas Bendtner and Rohmedahl each scored. To be honest, Cameroon deserved to win on the strength of frankly unlucky shots on the Danish goal and brilliant goal keeping. A gutted group of Lions are gannin yem while Denmark soldier on into the knock out round. Cameroon should be proud of  the level of play and quality they showed neutrals. While they will have preferred to win, at least they go out in style fighting to the last. Would all the matches be this good , I wouldn't have nodded off as often as I have.

The lowlight of the day had to be the following exchange...which sent me to the kitchen to make my tea rather than have to hear the rest of what would  surely be  the worst commentary since I sat next to a bunch of charvs discussing the merits of popular culture. BBC 's best said the following..."Anyone seen Space Jam? You know, that movie where all the superstar basketball players lose their abilities and a bunch of nobodies end up becoming the best basketball players in the world. Basically, I'm expecting a Bill Murray cameo around the quarter finals." . I couldn't make this stuff up. In a further sign of things to come, we had a BBC screen sans the scoreline or the time for the first few minutes. And In further surrealist developments, the Big Sulk Anelka apparently told Domenech to make love to himself, though probably not as politely as I just put it, as a result he's on the next flight home to water the plants and sort out his recycling. No worries Nic , nobody thinks you did the wrong thing.

Here a few gems from today's idle banter. My thanks to somebody's father and his text messages.The England Squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "it's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Jamai Umboto, aged 6'  And:  "Oxo are introducing a white Oxo cube with a red cross on it, as a tribute to the England football team. It's called The Laughing Stock.".

Mock the week is back, and I finally go to see it two days later. I swear I think 6.5 hours of telly a day is about the limit a human can take. Even ringers have to take a break when doing the extended dvd LOTR marathon ( not including appendices) at about the 6 hour point. I could feel my eyes trying to glower at me unsuccessfully. Best they could do was water up and sting in a slightly stroppy manner. Where was I? Mock the week, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons joined by guests Diane Morgan, Milton Jones and Chris Addison kicked off the new series in grand style. You could tell they had weeks of material just bursting to be used. I can't wait for the out-takes reel to see the stuff they left behind. The Green howler was dealt with in typical sensitive MTW fashion and the new Condem government was raked over the coals in a tip to Mr. Cameron that he won't be getting any votes from these comedians. I have missed this programme so much, so pleased it's back just in time to take our minds off the troubles on the pitch.

Last treat today was the first part of an all star cast of monsters, friends and companions in The Pandorica Opens. Vincent, Winston and other assorted characters from the latest series of Doctor Who conspired to get a message to Matt Smith that he's in mortal danger of some kind. I won't tell you what happens, you need to watch it yourself, but I can tell you this. "Pandorica opens" is a throwback to the great adventure serials you used to hear on radio or watch on telly. Stonehenge sits atop a secret chamber complete with cobwebs and decaying monsters trying to kill you while you decode the secret message before it's too late. Nothing is at seems while the writers keep tickling the funny bone with scenes you would have found in the funny bits of Indiana Jones. But it's not all laughs my friends, keep a box of tissue handy for a poignant reunion. The ep ends on a shocking note that will have older viewers remembering the way Flash Gordon or Batman used to get into trouble. Will the Doctor get out of this one? Will it all end badly for Amy? Will River Song destroy time and space? Tune in next Saturday --- Same Bat Time, same Bat-channel!

As always, this post brought to you by BBC Radio Newcastle's Nick Roberts and Beat Surrender, you can hear the latest programme HERE.

BOOO what a bag of Shite, send 'em home now

How dare you! How dare you say we don't have the right to be angry to boo.Overpaid neanderthal,  pampered gobshite.England were rubbish, utter shite. The only bright spots were  David James and Jamie Caragher.  I cannot believe a super star on £100,000 a week would say owt like that  to people who sacrificed  as much as £8,000 for the trip and hotel and all.  Did you really think you were just unlucky? Wayne you need to apologize NOW if you don't want to be booed in every park from Newcastle to London.  You and your mates need to get a grip and save face against Slovenia.  You useless bunch of soulless tossers deserve to be sent home NOW .  I cannot understand how you and your mates have completely lost any pride at all. Perhaps the very worst performance an England side has ever delivered.

Mr Capello, you entirely miss the point... so what all the teams are on three points. Your selection was appalling, they could not complete a goal attempt, they could not defend, they gave the ball away  like it was Christmas, they were on the back heal from the word go. Fact is that Algeria barely tested James, Imagine just how angry we'd be if Algeria was anywhere near as good as Germany or Argentina. We'd have been buried alive in goals. I don't care if England get past Slovenia now, I don't think we can get in a decent game in the next round. WE DON'T DESERVE TO BE THERE. I am ashamed of the team. Mr Capello you have to stop keeping the squad in a protective bubble , you need to tell people if they're playing or not , you need to be more open and allow these players to breathe and relax a bit. Let the wags in for a conjugal visit, these men are not monks, don't treat them that way. The fact you told James 5 minutes before he boarded the bus he was our stopper is insane. I dread the next match if you keep this up. BTW FA if you're reading this. On the back of this performance , we should perhaps just not even be thinking of Euro 2012.

And talk about bad timing, who decided it was ok to show a happy joy joy Mars bar advert right after that disaster? On the up side, except for Germany  most recently, the host nation has been diabolically bad and needed help from officials to limp out of the group stages. By that reckoning, we should be a shoe in for the next World Cup Hosts. From here on in regardless, I'm supporting Germany. This tournament is about the best, not the sexiest or the ones you're supposed to support by dint of  geography. If England were an X factor act , they wouldn't even be Jedward. I take that back , they ARE Jedward. They are flash, full of themselves, have Simon Cowell whispering praise in their ears and they are at the end of the day, complete rubbish. I'm trying hard to find something to be positive about  right now, but it's hard I will at some point be able to put my England top back on this week , but not tonight or tomorrow or even the day after.So where is that paypal link for the whip around to bring the boys back? I got £2 pounds burning a hole in my pocket.

Now from the self inflicted to out and out theft. Germany and USA were victims of possibly the worst officiating since the Swiss ref stuck it  into England a few years ago, you know when we were merely mediocre.  Germany had the tichiest ref I have seen in years. This Spanish inquisition aka Alberto Undiano gave out more cards than traffic warden filling a quota, most of them were undeserved and led to the sending of Miroslav Klosse . From that moment on the ref became the star of the show.  Apparently this man is the Howard Webb of Spain, responsible for more sendings off and yellow cards in regular season play than any other Spanish ref. Ironically, it was hard to tell most of the time that Germany were at 10 men. Without that shocking sending off , except of course the meddling of the ref who didn't give that 2nd pen, Germany would have dealt with Serbia and solidly. Yet again an official thinks he can be the reason a game goes one way or another. Thankfully I still think my new team can  get out of the group stages and make the final. Players are supposed to be allowed to play football, it's a rough sport and if we pretend otherwise, we'll get more matches like Germany v Serbia.

And it just kept on being a perfect day didn't it?  Slovenia v USA should have ended 3-2, there was nothing wrong with that goal, nobody questioned it, well nobody but the ref who didn't see half a dozen Slovenian players dragging down Americans in the box right left and centre. And in case you were wondering, it wasn't off side either.  This match was the only one that was gripping well played and entertaining. Even the Americans it must be said, played some cracking football. I don't think for a minute they are as good as England on a good day, but they aren't the pathetic sacrificial lambs they were a few years ago. Maybe one day they might even get a little respect at home.

.Writing this has been cathartic, it's at least spared some inanimate object from possible destruction. I may as well change the mood and turn the telly on to something less rage inducing . Doctor Who is on at the week end, Mock the week is back and Top gear is back July 27th, and of course there is that pile of classic who tapes we've barely made a dent in...Dalek Invasion of Earth up next ... laters all, perhaps tomorrow will a better day. I can't get any worst, can it?

x=(2010 - 1966) Years of pain , still we keep believing, Come on England!

It's 55 years since Newcastle United won the FA Cup last,  44 years since England won the World Cup, it was also the only time England won the World Cup. In 1966 I was a tiny little boy , my biggest concern was being vaguely aware of the 1000th anniversary of the founding of the Polish State. There were Church basement parties, I'm told I went to parades and special concerts . If I'm honest, I don't remember all that much. Just  loads of strangers in our house. It wasn't till years later that I began having  memories of any kind worth getting worked up over.  And yet  those victories in 1955 and 1966 resonate in my soul to such an extent that I can tell you about those great teams. I've seen the clips and read the books, and yet there are days I can't remember where I left my keys,but ask me about a Champions League Final or Derby, I can paint a picture in words. As a football supporter I reckon time in fixtures lists and summer breaks. I can tell when something happened if I can attach a canny goal, famous victory or more often than not, yet another disastrous outing for Newcastle or England. As in answer to the question, "When did you meet your wife?"  Well I know it was before  we went out on pens to Portugal but after we beat Sunderland 4-1 away.  It was Shearer's last ever match and he scored that penalty late in the 2nd half..... .

Now if you are one of the few non football types reading this, let me explain something to you. When we are in fits of rage, finger nails reduced to bloody stumps and unable to sleep or eat from worry, we are in fact having fun. I know it doesn't look like that, but we are. It's our biennial ( World Cup and Euro) rush of blood to the head, when we get to dream yet again of faded glory and hope springs eternal that the latest manager won't screw it up or a certain Chelsea player won't go green at the gills and miss a pen that he would otherwise nail any other day.....I Still feel sick thinking about that one. It's our outlet for feeling that testosterone filled tribal unity of purpose without having to declare war or sacrifice virgins on an altar. We get to wear some seriously silly clothes and bond with total strangers we might otherwise never talk to. We as a planet ( except for maybe two countries) indulge in  some pretty serious male bonding followed  by even more male bonding. Football, is one of the last refuges of talent, skill, fitness and luck that exists today. You can within reason predict an outcome, but as they say , it's a funny old game, between the ref and the weather and the mood of the players and the crowd, there is no way of knowing for sure how it will end. Unlike X factor, you can't see the winner till end of play.

Thanks to Bend it like Beckham, it has also become acceptable for girls to join in as well. Pretty good if you're a male of the species seeking a mate who will also declare that the calendar only has 10 months in it except in Euro and World Cup years , when it has 11 months broken up by the wait for the next fixtures list. There is however a risk in mixed marriages, derby days can be a bit of a struggle. Do you let it all hang out or pretend you're just a bit gutted for your wife when your mortal enemies have just been spanked 4-0, meaning she will be mardy for the rest of the day?  I won't advise you on this as any advice I give you will be wrong and you'll only blame me for the ruination of your life. In my case, my wife still loves Man United but has become such a Toon supporter she bleeds black and white more than I do. Whatever you, don't say Mike Ashley if she's got a sharp object.

Now what am I feeling and thinking right now, a few days before the big kick off? I'm wondering if all my tops are clean, do we have enough food and drink in for the week end and will I be able to get my writing deadlines in before I do sod all because I can't be moved from in front of the telly? Somehow I doubt it . That's it, nothing else matters for the next month, I will eat breathe and sleep football. I love Doctor Who, but I'm hoping it's not going to interfere with the matches. At least this year the Cup is being played only an hour away instead of Korean central time. I'm not willing to get up at strange hours for most things, but the World Cup is different. If I don't see the match live, I'll be forced to avoid friends, steer clear of newspapers, radio and entire web sites. It can't be done and it's unfair to ask me.  Pretty shallow I hear you saying, and maybe you're right, there are bigger issues, earth shatteringly important things like, will the officiating be as good or better than in 2006, or will we see a repeat of the scandals of 2002 with the shameful displays of diving, corrupt officials and doubtful calls that seemed to favour a certain host nation until the world threatened to stop watching. Then there's the whole question of the electronic official. I'd love to have a clean World Cup, a WC that has refs that are without flaw and get every call right. Thing is they are human, and that means they make mistakes. We don't have to tolerate the worst of them any more, there is goal line technology that will determine in seconds flat if the ball went in, or if  Maradona handled the ball. I am also concerned that if they mess with the ball yet again, it will affect the way the way the game is played. I'm worried refs will expect respect but still take the piss out of players.As you can see I'm a sensitive and complex man.

My biggest conflict is my desire to see the players  I follow the rest of the year every year, perform well, and not get hurt. If I'm honest, as much as I'd love to see a 2nd star on England shirts, I'd almost rather have Newcastle United as far from bottom of the table and go 6th or even 4th in the Prem. While for some of you, that Croatian with a funny name is a revelation, my wife however will have been watching Vidic play for Manchester United for  the last few years. The last thing we want is to see is our best players banged up on pitches  thousands of miles from home playing for a team that will likely not win the tournament or place in the final 8. Michael Owen spent more time in therapy than on the pitch for Newcastle as it is, but. our hearts sank when he was injured in 2006. The club has yet to recover all the financial damages claimed from his World Cup exit. Considering the amount of time he was on the books for the Toon, we'll never know what impact he could have had if he'd played regularly.

Speaking of  agony and what might have been, right  here, right now, I have a terrible ache in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of dread that we will be afflicted by every calamity, bad call and mismanaged substitution that has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory time and again. I'm sure the feeling will be replaced soon enough by misplaced optimism and pure hope in the belief that this year is the year we do it. This year is the year we can finally stop counting the bloody years of pain in those maudlin songs they keep writing. Despite  the injuries ( Rio Ferdinand) and slightly combative spirits ( Rooney) It is possible we could win this year. Every year we won ( see above) , England did not have a song. This year , we don't either, see my last post about the terminally unfunny Mr Corden and the abysmally bad SHOUT. Spirits are high, last Saturday fewer people watched the telly BAFTAs than watched England play the rest of the world  in a charity kick about taken by far to many of us far too seriously,  where we went out on pens (again) . On the back of that performance, we've been promised the real England team have practised this time. I for one believe our Italian. Robert Green, West Ham's goal keeper  helped his club place 17th this year, surely the clear superior of  Buffon and co. 

I suppose I may as well admit now that in a few weeks I'll be writing about how we were robbed, bemoaning the quality of officiating and wondering how we went out on pens yet  again to ( insert team name... Portugal Italy Germany  Brazil) . I might even be inconsolable for at least a week and only calm down when the first rays of Top Gear emanate from my telly. On the other hand , we could have won the Cup and I will be floating on air for weeks . One is allowed to dream, isn't one?

Regardless of what happens, a few quick rules during the World Cup.

1-Do not leave the room for food, bathroom breaks, or anything less than a fire or angry ferrets, and even then you should wait for half time or else somebody will score, usually the other guys.

2- Do not ring your mate during a match or during the last five minutes " for a joke". It's never ever funny, and he'll hate you for life.

3- Never ever say " It's just a game". There lies danger and you will be held responsible for any injuries you have justly asked for.

4- If you are new to this, when entering a pub, bar, sitting room full of devotees,  pick a player, occasionally shake your  head, say his name in a concerned or excited way and you might even look like you know what you're talking about.

5- Depending where you are on planet Earth, go to sleep early and set you alarm clock. I assure you, your boss will understand why you look half dead and your productivity has dropped by 50 %.

5- Join a pool of some kind, you might even put a fiver on the tournament, it will heighten that ecstasy or agony all the more when you have pride and few bob riding on the result.

6 Pick a team to support when your side tumbles out ignominiously. No fun just watching for three weeks .

7- Find a Brazilian party, win or loose, they will be the highlight of your World Cup, and the women are hot.

8- Lastly, Remember to  wash, even girls into football, don't like sleeping with trolls.


If you follow these simple rules , you will have joined the rest of humanity and had a good time in the bargain.

See you  Monday for the usual Telly and music stuff.... COM'N ENGLAND!