The EU, Central European Slavs, Russia and the upheaval in Ukraine

Rompuy

European Council President Herman Van Rompuy "I salute the will of the Ukrainian people to live in a free, independent and united country with strong ties to the EU. We stand ready to sign the Association Agreement and support Ukraine in these difficult times," Rompuy said in a statement issued in Brussels on Monday after the EU-Brazil summit, during which the sides discussed the situation in Ukraine.





RUSSIAN PRIME MINISTER DMITRY MEDVEDEV:

"Strictly speaking, there is no one to talk to there. The government doesn't exist. There are big doubts about the legitimacy of a whole series of organs of power that are now functioning there." He and other Russian officials go on to say that the place is now run by armed rebels who have overthrown a legitimate government and that the west should not interfere in the internal matters of a sovereign nation. Russia of course can do what ever it feels like as it considers Ukraine a province and integral part of greater Russia despite the small matter of it being in fact a sovereign independent nation. The fact Putin's pet seat warmer Medvedev or Foreign Minister Lavrov were allowed to say these things as opposed to the assorted wingnuts on the edges of  Russian broadcasting who are normally afforded the role of saying things the Government wishes known but cannot say, is a sign that they mean it.

Which brings me to the bit nobody outside of Central Europe seems to be aware of.

There should be a third quote, it can have come from any of the Central and Eastern European

Polish Foreign Minister Sikorski

politicians or citizens who live in the shadow of Russia . It would go something like this. "Russia will not easily let Ukraine go. They will do what ever they feel they can get away with to keep the people living in the current boundaries of the Ukrainian Republic from having free will or joining the European camp." Furthermore, the person would go on to say that Russia would not be shy about insuring this by invading countries other than Ukraine or again punishing the former satellites who have left the sphere of influence, with a cut off of gas. This mindset is not without merit as Russia has in fact invaded it's neighbours repeatedly, going as far back as Ivan the Terrible and most recently Georgia, Osetia and Abkhazia among too many other nations they have overtly attacked and others they have destabilised in a ham fisted less than subtle apparently unofficial manner. ( As I edit this, Russia has already launched a media barrage asking "On what side were you in WW 2?) As I said, subtle as a sledge hammer and probably the most innocuous thing they will do.

Central Europe

Before I go on, a little history lesson. What is Central Europe? It is what used to be part of the Great Powers.  A collection of nations that were in the you guessed it one....Central Europe. Among these nations were Hungary, the various incarnations of the Czech republics, Poland, Germany, Austria and Yugoslavia.  When the Russians finally took what they wanted in 1945, it fell into the sphere along with the aptly named Eastern European nations that were in point of fact incredibly eastern. The new politi of Europe still uses the terms of the Cold War despite the unfreezing of European history, the restart of the flowering of the legitimate evolution of the Europe that from the  Polish frontier to  London itself, represented the great civilized block that had connections to the rest of the world  by rail to Turkey and by sea to Africa.  Russia has always been on the outside looking in and like it or not that has not changed.  They are the last part of the European puzzle that needs to be integrated into the phsyche and very real thing that is Greater Europe. Those of us who consider the countries in the Centre home, by birth or by affiliation, will always be Central Europeans. The sooner you in the West recognize this and apply this to your thinking, the sooner we will cease to be such a mystery to you.

As for the Ukrainians, and for that matter the Bulgars and the Romanians and assorted Baltic states

President Woodrow Wilson

including Finland.  They are and want to be European, have always, according to even the 1918 Wilson 14 points, had a right to self determination and freedom of political and economic association. The only people who collectively and apart seem to think otherwise, are the Russians. It will take a long time for them to let go of their children, their precious babies. But when it comes to Ukraine, it is all the more difficult. Ukraine belongs to the Tsars, to Mother Russia, Ukraine is the body as much as Moscow is the brain and the soul of Russia. At least that is what Russians will tell you.  I myself coming from the toes or the kidney of Russia will tell you that Poland is and always has been an independent sovereign state that stood for and defended at various times a multi cultural collection of peoples that have been citizens of what we could call the anybody but Russia federation. Today while not nearly as large, we are still not happy being offered back to the tender mercies of Mother Russia as the kidney or the intestine  any more than the Ukrainians want to be the body of Russia.

In the most significant recent past ..... 1918 to the present, Ukraine has seen a few changes, most not of their own will or making and most designed to absorb more territory into the Russian Empire. Between the anti Ukrainian famine of the 1930's that was at least as bad  as the German Holocaust and the annexation into the Ukrainian Oblast of bit's of  Romania, Poland and the addition of the till then nominally autonomous,  Krim, Russia has by design built in a fracture factor that will produce even in an independent Ukraine, the sort of tensions that will destabilise any regime that takes hold even for a short time. Even today the vast majority of Russian speakers in the East of Ukraine and Krim as well as the bit near it, get their news direct from Moscow in Russian with all the spin and the consequences therein.

Little wonder that Russia feels it has not only a vested interest, but a right to interfere. The best thing that can now happen is in fact the fracturing of the current Ukraine. Perhaps not at first into smaller separate nations  but genuinely autonomous provinces with special powers regarding culture. This would at least preserve the economic and political union that is the current Ukraine. However if we are realistic, this cannot last long. In the Krim the long established Russian colonists  sent there to thin out the native Tartars will want out or rather in with Russia. In the East much the same will occur. As long as there is a voting block so entrenched and incapable of escaping tribalist voting instincts that work against the stability of the historic cultural core that is Ukraine, we will continue to see this sort of see saw game of  block v block  much like Thailand is currently suffering. It will require either the creation of a politi that is ideological in base and spans the complete spectrum  from left to right or the creation of constitutional guarantees that will build in a valve that bleeds the  pressure of the tribalism before it explodes yet again. I'm no constitutional expert on the complexity of  the constituents parts of the current Ukraine, but I can tell you it will be a hard sell to the country and the Russians who think none of  the current Ukrainians have a right to have a say in their future.

The Rada or Parliament is now operating under the 2004 constitution that declares that cabinets must

Interim President Oleksandr Turchynov

be made of and be supported by deputies of the body. Furthermore the post of President is not the sort of all powerful American model but closer to that of Ireland. As it stands, that is a good thing. For as long as the Rada is elected in free an fair elections and the seat spread regarding regions is fair, we can hope for a responsible Government that will not fall into bad habits. The real danger occurs as I said earlier, is when the regional blocks come back like a bad cabbage roll and start the trouble boiling over again.

Poland and other other nations that have adopted democratic and western models want this revolution to succeed, they want it so badly they will do what they have to to keep Ukraine such as it is in the sphere of  Europe. Central Europe, the historical Central Europe, wants to recreate the buffer zone of  safe, non belligerent nations to their East that used to exist. We will never be rid of the threat of Russian expansionism I suspect, but to ratchet down by several degrees to a point of mild constant irritation is something we can all live with.  Russia's direct neighbours, Poland included , (cos who's kidding who, until Belarus rids itself of the last Stalinist dictator in Europe, it is the de facto Russian border with the rest of Europe) will always feel nervous when it comes to Russia. Unlike Germany, Austria , France ,Turkey or Rome, the Imperial appetite in Moscow hasn't at all gotten smaller or measurably subtler in any way.

On the one hand the Russian finance minister tells the IMF and the EU to take up the challenge and

Lavrov

Lavrov the foreign minister says they should not interfere  just as Russia will not interfere. Allow me a moment to laugh  nervously and make incredibly rude gestures at the thought of a lie detector at that very moment trying not to dissolve from the deep suspension of disbelief required to stay intact. .  The interim Ukrainian government, including protesters, elements of the left , the right and even sadly some anti Semitic, Anti Polish ultra nationalists, have their ofjary....martyrs. They are doing what they can to cobble together a stable civil society that can withstand the pressures of the massive Russian self defence knee jerk reaction that is even now moving to crush them.

Why is it important that we help the Maidan and Rada survive? It's simple, this is the way it should have been in Syria, but people held back, people allowed a dictator and his outside support enough air to breathe and stay standing. Fewer than 300 died that we know of, a few thousand are injured some, terribly, but nothing like the numbers in Syria  precisely because the neighbours gave a damn. Poland Germany and France headed the EU response and made sure Russia and Yanukovich blinked first ( see link below). Massive bloodshed and destruction of infrastructure has been avoided by direct and early interference by outside powers in what is technically an internal conflict. Because of this, the previously mentioned fascist, anti Jewish, anti Polish, anti Russian militias will have no air, no place to expand or to grip onto. Already the acceptable face of Ukraine is making sure these elements have to give back to proper civilian government controlled forces and offices, the power to keep the peace, prosecute, and carry out the orders of the new legitimate government. It will take time, but unlike Syria, there is no massive schism that has led to more bloodshed, there are no outside agencies infiltrating the struggle.

The larger point of course is that for all the right reasons and for some of the wrong ones, finally, Europe and more to the point the European Union stepped in and said to a people who crave to take their rightful place in the greater European family .... Yes , we'll have you. There are stories in the news today that Iceland has angered it's own people by withdrawing from it's electorate the right to vote on joining or not the EU. While currently the polls are not so strong in favour of the EU in Iceland, it is clear that in the long run, the EU is the structure that is keeping Europe from stumbling into WW 1(redux), furthermore, the greater the success of EU diplomats in such conflicts as the current Ukraine crisis, the better the EU looks to most people, especially those wondering how long before Russia once again casts a hungry eye westwards. In addition the EU with a dynamic Ukraine included, has to find a way to heat and power the great beast that is European industry and general infrastructures. Only a strong EU will achieve this. Being a part of the solution affords us ( those in the UK included)  and others, a voice in how this will be resolved.

Lastly I ask you to listen to the voices of the people on Maidan online, these are not the voices of

Vitali Klitschko speaking to the Maidan live as I wrote this

extremists, or of armed revolutionaries bent on destroying all around them. They are the people who live there, who are asking us to allow them the same thing we take so much for granted, that some of my own educated acquaintances speak with derision of democracy, not knowing just how much they would miss even the unethical, cold hearted tories and their banker friends if they had to swap out living in Putin or Yanukovich land. We have an election in 2015, and it can't come soon enough,  we will vote the bums out, these people have not had that kind of luxury. Nobody is telling us we belong to America, Russia , England ,France or China, and yet in 2014 we allow precisely this sort of dialogue to inform our decisions about faceless, powerless people who think what we have is something worth cherishing.

View the interactive map



Breaking news from the various Polish and Ukrainian feeds we've been following: The general feeling among those interviewed was that there was a pressing need to sort which army units were loyal to the revolution; ordinary people need to be trained and armed for the defence against the Russian tanks that are inevitably headed towards Kiyov. If you paid attention when I explained how Slavs think and particularly Slavs under threat of loss of life limb and liberty, you'll see how perfectly sensible this thinking is. And be assured they will be ready. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it's right, we'll know soon enough, and that my friends is how we think.

Edit 18:00 26/02  Russia calls war games claims it's nothing to do with unrest in Ukraine

Support the EuroMaidan online 

Why Yanukovic fled

How Poland came of age in the Crisis

The job that has been left to the West in rescuing the Ukrainian economy

The sort of act I expect from a less uptight Ukraine at Eurovision

Next.... How Poland has reacted to the crisis from the ordinary person right through to the media and Government.

The Doctor's wife or The love of a man for his car

Well I have been banging on for such a long time that we needed more Tardis, and now we get so much more than we could have hoped for. Neil Gaiman the prototypical Who geek turned successful writer went where most of us wanted to, INSIDE THE TARDIS. About bloody time I say, but The Doctor's wife is  more than just a nostalgic trip to Tom Baker and his mates running around an old Victorian hospital, We've been getting wee dollops of candy from the Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, but this is more like it. Can't have been fun for him getting all those e mails and other missives screaming for more Tardis, much like Isaac Asimov when begged for more Daneel Olivaw  stories, he tossed off a 5 page thing for a pulp mag and our reaction was, nice start, but we assumed you were going to write a book. What followed was a string of great books that are asking even more questions long past the cheeky death ( how dare he) of the Sci Fi legend. Like Asimov, Moffat now is prepping us for the big box of Belgian chocolate truffles coming our way.

The Doctor's Wife is a full tilt stand alone story that takes us right past the rooms and reveals the soul of the machine itself. There are some who would accuse Moffat of romanticising the essentially male notion of vehicle love by making the soul of the Tardis a woman. He certainly isn't the first to do this,  in Andromeda the former Hercules flirted with and almost got romantic with the ship's human simile communication's protocol. To be fair , she was fit as .... But this never stopped any man including Kirk or Scotty or the Doctor from resorting to unique and sometimes violent  means to get the result he wanted. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the whole Idris personality, but she does work on a lot of levels and is an alternative explanation why the Doctor has always ended up "Where he needed to be".  Used to be it was the Time lords  letting him off the hook for nicking an old type 40 in exchange for putting out some fires and sometimes saving the bacon of Gallifrey itself.  So can we buy a sort of sentient being half tech  half energy falling for the Doctor so long ago? The romantic in me would love to, but I have never wanted to make love to my bike car or stereo, I may call them "her" but I'm no way romantically involved despite appearances to the contrary. Idris is more the manifestation of the romance novel side of fandom. I'm guilty as charged, I too was well hooked by Rose and would have loved to see them settle down in a quiet corner of Gallifrey and have lots of little Time Lords and Ladies, but such is the world of Doctor Who that even the Daleks were soon rolling their eyes over all of it. Idris as a one off is a brilliant character I loved from the first words she uttered and loved even more as It dawned on me ( about 2 minutes in) , that she was the heart of the Tardis. Her uncanny ability to be as confused and new to emotion as any newly liberated bit of software worked really well, she even took the opportunity few others have the right to, to bollocks him over never reading the instructions. BUT again I keep wondering what that would have been like if Idris was a bloke, a regular guy , a mechanic nerd, techy  type who would have also argued furiously with the Doctor about building the Franken Tardis.

As a story the ep stands out as one of the best stand alone stories you can watch out of order any time in any era and appreciate. It's the kind of territory the nutter crowd ( myself included)  love to delve into. How does the Tardis work? Why does it shudder along so and where ARE the rest of the Time Lords? The planet made of half digested Tardi along with Aunty , Uncle Nephew and Idris was a master stroke of setting. Somewhere in E space there is a malevolent entity that feeds on Time Lords and their machines. I  half expected the junkbots to sing Dare to be Stupid  for a second , but the feeling passed and the place felt like a proper fearsome place where things go to die. For the first time this series, a monster is in fact well scary, it even looks like House ( Michael Sheen)  could have got away with it and gone on to create havoc in N space. I would have loved to see it go off and threaten the Time Lords in the Slo Time envelope around Krikkit. In fact I won't be in the least bit surprised if eventually Gallifrey makes a massive come back  when just that sort of malevolent entity causes the Tardis and co to save the High Council from the shinies. In fact I'll be deeply disappointed if it doesn't happen in this series. But as I pointed out to Keith Telly Topping this last week, TLTG Moffat rarely disappoints.

Ah and yes about the interiors, more hints as to where things are, The Ponds get a new  bedroom and the old control room gets jettisoned. But what a spectacular tease. White corridors with the usual circle panels. Next time  doors too please, but still worth the film to see Rory , yet again , be killed. This time even though  you knew it was probably a massive mind game, you let yourself be drawn in. It's classic Doctor Who where a monster or evil thing mentally abuse the audience for a bit. The Master was an erm... master of this sort of thing. The safest place in the universe suddenly and not for the first time becomes the last place you want to be. Kept us on the seat of our pants till the end. Neil Gaiman really delivered in terms of dialogue and concepts. Some say there are no new ideas just the way you combine the old ones, and it's true, but what Gaiman did was a loving carefully crafted old fashion psycho thriller when the sets were made of foam and  the words had to carry much farther than most writers allow for now.

Special mention has to go to the well fit actress that plays Idris. Suranne Jones, Karen MacDonald for a few years on Corrie who annoyed me no end, but here she was brilliant, sexy and classy. A performance that oozed with the reflection of crazy the Doctor had  patted, caressed and beaten into her/it  for years. If you're going to play a one off and that one off is the human personification of the Tardis, you better do it well. Steve MacDonald's ex wife did that, I just hope they don't make the mistake of bringing Idris back, that would be wrong for so many reasons, not least of which  would be that it would cheapen the character.

The follow up bit of fun of the best ever Doctor Who Confidential on BBC 3 was a proper treat. A trip into the history of the Tardis complete with old clips and set pieces designed to bring you to the point of tears it was so moving. Seeing all those clips with several incarnations of the Doctor cursing . loving and otherwise talking to the Tardis over the years made me feel like we'd lost something along the way recently, and that made me very sad, but I suspect it's also a message from the powers that be that the Doctor we wanted is back and no one is apologising for it.Having Neil Gaiman narrate bits of script walking through the set had it's moments as well, less so for me as performance but proof I wasn't wrong for my own script writing style and methods, shows what a load of isolated old farts know.  Any road... I liked it and so will you if you missed it.

Moldova, my pick to win

All in all, not a bad day that started with football and ended with Eurovision and a not so last place nul points performance by Blue. Was tarnished slightly by the fact that super eedjits Jedward pipped Blue for a slightly higher placing, but then again Eurovision, the song contest good taste forgot, is not known for appealing to people who listen to the Undertones. I suppose it's an improvement that a song that is a direct rip off  of Snow Patrol won. Could have been worse, could have been Belgium and the acapella  tone deafs. Thank you Doug Morris for this factoid, The Damned offered and were refused as representatives for this great nation. Would have made Lordi look silly. If there was any justice, Moldova would have won. And if you love great music, I urge you not for the last time, to listen to Beat Surrender every Saturday night on BBC Radio Newcastle, hosted by the most excellent Nick Roberts and Doug Morris when when Nick is off filming a wedding for the big Radio One big weekend foofera, don't ask , I don't know why either. Jamie Wilkinson pops in to sub as well but not as often as he used to. And of course listen again, just look for Beat Surrender.

Need to get a few things off my chest too.  First up is the BBC history literature thing, The Viking Sagas, was supposed to be the telling of how the sagas were written and even offered up the hope of significant segments being read in some logical manner that would lead one to want more. Instead Janina Ramirez, wet behind the ears romance novelist and bad interviewer  reacted in  patently prepared sequences to information she already knew, then repeated  with great surprise as if the previous speaker had been talking in old Norse.I had to turn it off after 20 minute it was that painful. I thought you needed more than just being a former Goth Chic to get commissioned for a real BBC 4 programme? Shame on the BBC, such a great chance to tell an exciting story wasted on this not ready for telly grad student Dan Snow wanna be.

Next is the returned Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of crisps. BBC 3's flagship youth comedy from 10 years ago, still has the feel of the original , but seems a bit tired and is running out of ideas. Stripped  of it's most manic residents, Runcorn feels more like the party after the party. You keep expecting something good to happen and it almost does, and then falls short of the template set in the first few series. Tim Claypole is cheaply outed as " a gay" for no apparent reason but cloying drama worthy of Corrie. It would have been much funnier if we'd have met Helena first and found out she was a post op ex trany, but no they just let him blurt it out. His nymphomaniac sister is a poor replacement for Crazy Louise and while not without some merit, just barely earns her spot in the cast.  Having watched the other series I feel the need to watch this and even enjoyed it enough to sit through the full 30 minutes, but it's not nearly as good as it used to be. If you are a fan,  watch; if not, pass on it. I'd hate for you to think this was the best it ever got.

Next week promises a lot of new beginnings and the start of football free land in those mystery months they stuck in between May and the end of August. I'm told by the currently builder infested Keith Telly Topping to not despair as there are all kinds of things on the way and we still have lots of Doctor Who to come. So relax and enjoy the break by taking in the sun should  it deem to come out.

How do you solve a problem like Team England?

Before wa talk about solutions lets have a nice sober look at the problems we face with English football. We gave the world the sport that has now surpassed all others as the King of sports, more popular than any other, if you made four piles of jumpers and threw a ball at 22 people , there would be a game even if they didn't speak the same language. So why is it that the land whence sprung the funny old game cannot field a decent side in the World Championship of the sport it invented?

I'll start at the peripheries and make my way to the core of the matter slowly as it's worth looking at it from a few angles. My first target is a press machine that fuel our vanity and expectations like delusional parents telling their 5 year old they're brilliant on the piano even if we're rubbish. Of course we'll go all the way, that loss to Malta or Northern Ireland was an aberration, we played the C side , it was cold, it was wet, it was too dry, the pitch was to blame. We will triumph over all comers and bring to an end 44 years of pain. Then the lads get on the plane for South Africa, the already frenzied war drums and shrieks reach a terrifying level of insanity that make Joseph Geobles seem reasonable and measured in his expectations of the players. Once there, the media machine crank it up to ludicrous levels with adverts exhorting us to "Do it for Bobby", Brian Blessed shouts at us to excel and take no prisoners. After a while of this you begin to think they surely they wouldn't go to these lengths if were utter shite? They must be as good as they say they are, Com'n lads, make us proud! For Bobby , for the Busby Babes, for the Hillsborough victims, for the soldiers in Afghnistan, for little baby Baz and his Mam and his dog.....YOU CAN DO IT. Imagine being one of the players so assaulted by all this pressure, all those hopes and dreams on your well paid pampered shoulders, can YOU resist maybe getting a bit nervous? Then the inevitable crash as manager and players board the bus emblazoned with ironic words like Glory and Pride. The inquisition in the various media begins even now with huge banner front pages crowing the news of the returning prodigal sons who are not worthy of forgiveness, their clueless manager talking of meetings and deadlines. These hapless inadequate ambassadors, once heroes, were never as good as advertised and the press knew it, The FA knew it, Murdoch knew it, WE knew it. But the red tabs, television networks and various promoters were not going to let that wee detail stand in the way of a massive marketing exercise designed to make millions for certain parties involved. A World Cup without England? Sepp Blatter would rather kiss a cucumber in public than miss out on all those supporters, I mean travelling parties. The Sun wouldn't sell as many papers, and ITV would have an even harder time getting us to watch James Corden. And now the Jackals fall on the players like some kind of tsunami of hate and shame. Indignation and anger following every word photo and page. Hardly the kind of behaviour conducive to a realistic branch and root review of football.

Next goat in this tragicomedy of errors is the combined ego and power of the Premiership. These clowns pay ever increasing wage packets to players who rightly believe they are above most people and clearly superior to any mere mortals within a golden age of them. Not content to inflate wages and egos the Premiership goes out of it's way to staff teams with only the caviar of footballers. Real Madrid may have its Galacticos, but the Premiership is the richest and most expensive league on planet Earth. Filled with the great and nearly great from all over the globe, If you're Jimmy Grimble trying out for Man City, you won't get a game until all the overpriced talent have a go first. Little wonder England can't find a decent back four, midfield or goalkeeper. If every foreign player left the Prem today, the top 6 teams would be so strapped for players it would allow in form mid table sides to grab top spots. One of the worst talent deficits is in the goal keeper gap. Peter Check, Edwin Van der Sarr, Shay Given, Brad Freidel, all are better than the two keepers who to played for England in the last 6 years. West ham and Portsmouth, powerhouse teams that finished so close to bottom you could smell the fear months ahead of the last day.

This next target is the one I know you'll find most amusing. The oddball collection of managers the FA has hired and fired since Svenn Goren Useless. First offence, they to a man ignored the wealth of under 21's and assuming the collection of passionless mercenaries could be made to play as a team, they still needed somebody they could respect. Maradona, Dunga, Lippi, Hiddink, all command the respect of their teams. They say jump the players ask, how high sir? But our wastes of space would take any order from Keegan, McManaman or Shearer as a suggestion and an invitation to question the manager's wisdom. The only man who manages in England that could do the job is Alex Ferguson. None of these soft babies would dare talk back to him. More importantly, apart from some very strange formations and subs a few year back, Fergie has clearly got it right with his lads. I suspect Wenger would do as well. They both understand the English game and the players and they have the weight of experience and authority of award winning seasons to impose their thinking. Something Sven to Capello were not able to do. You can take 22 of the best anythings, but if you don't turn them into a team they are worse than bad, they are an accident waiting to happen. One of the huge mistakes Capello made was to choose players not fit for purpose, did not require the players to seriously try out with real risk of being dropped. Treated the players like monks or children, not mega stars with a routine that for better or worse produces results. He then locked them up away from family and friends doing more practices than ever did at their club sides. Hermetically sealing these players was only ever going to lead to one thing, they would get tired sloppy and loose focus. Lastly he never varied 4-4-2. Arsenal got rumbled that way by the end of the run of 49. There is a school of thought that states if Odin himself came down to boss England, he couldn't get these Toffs to put in a single half of decent football.

Lastly the Players. Any group of lads who know they need to be healthy for MAN United, Chelsea, Arsenal, or Liverpool, cannot be expected to give it their all for England. Is it any wonder we saw the spectacle of a manager and selected players get trotted out to give post match interviews all singing the same drug induced cheerful message that the team played well, they were unlucky to get the goal not given, and had it counted, who knows how great they would have been. Honestly, they were lucky it wasn't 8-2 Germany. Capello is realistically looking at loosing his job, even it is the insane asylum better known as the English FA. He should be made to give the money back and go home now.

So how do we fix this? "Simples" as a certain meercat would say. First we accept that we won't qualify for Euro, that we won't qualify for the next World Cup and that the current crop of England caps will be told to finish their days at club sides while England do the following drastic treatment.

1- Look at the under 21's and under 19's. Form a team that will compete from here in against the rest of the World in European and WC qualifiers.

2- Conduct a two year program during which the length and breadth of Great Britain is scoured to find and train up the next great goal keepers needed to dramatically improve the chances of England Wales Scotland and NI.

3- Finally implement the dream of Trevor Sir Brooking whereby we install a full training system throughout Great Britain that will produce enough quality players to fill every Football team in every division twice over with Keepers, defenders, mid-fielders, sweepers and strikers. These player will then replenish the Leagues and develop into powerful talented players that will be diverse enough that even an amateur trained on FIFA 2010 could at least cruise through the qualifying without any embarrassments.

4- Un-tarmac the pitches turned over to car parcs for the London games or other such sacrifices perpetrated to local parcs over the last few years. Convert a large number of 11 a side pitches currently being used by 10 year olds into 7 or 8 aside pitches with smaller nets. If you keep it proportional, the young players will learn and develop better.

5- Bring in total football, teach players enough skill to respect and understand how other positions play. Look how the Brazilians broke down Mexico. It was the kind of multitasking you just don't get with English players. We all want to be the hero and score the goals, but somebody has to be stopper, somebody has to defend, somebody has to feed the ball up to the front.

6- Reduce the wage packet to only 30 times that of a teacher per year. Limit the number of non local players a club can bring in and lower ticket prices by the amount saved.

7- Force players who want to play for England to compete in open trials for spots. No player should ever be allowed to think he can just walk into a spot because he's at Chelsea or Real Madrid. Besides, if we implement the above, they will have to worry that some younger better player won't pip them.

Do I think this green and pleasant land will come to pass? A man can dream.

You're forgiven for now Wayne & the Pandorica opens

So yesterday I asked if it could get any worse. Shock of shocks, the Earth didn't open up and swallow us, the rains did not come down like righteous anger from the Gods and nobody had a supernaturally bad day at the World Cup. Wayne Rooney even apologized for being a twat on camera. It's Ok Wayne, we know you're not famous for having the wisdom and patience of the Mahatma Ghandi. Hell even he had the occasional off day. So if you and the rest of the England squad don't stink up the park next Wednesday, we might even return to normal service.

So what did happen today? we had three matches , two were brilliant end to end stuff and one was reminiscent but not quite as interesting as watching the bit at the awards ceremony when the accountants come out to explain how the voting works.  Holland Japan was technically perfect, Holland enjoyed over 70% possession and Japan frankly didn't show up. So how you ask me  was it possible for the scoreline to be 1-0? Very easy. Unlike Our own lads the day before, the Dutch super stars who populate some of the best clubs in Europe and England, decided to take the path of least resistance. They played pass the ball for a bit , then they did it some more. At some point the manager noticed they hadn't scored a goal yet so signalled the need for them to perhaps try.  For a few minutes the match came to life and Sneijder put one in at the 83 minute where upon they they promptly went back to sleep. Now I'm not for a minute suggesting there is some kind of contractual obligation for teams to provide entertaining footie. I even understand that you get to the next stage as best you can, but honestly,  football of the living dead was a bit much. If they hope to put Argentina or Germany ( should they make it out) to sleep with this , it may more likely turn around and bite them in the ass. Holland can play some strikingly delicious football before they habitually fold like a house of cards to the Germans, it's what we expect of them, so why the sleep walking act? I suspect it was more a desire to protect players from injury ahead of the next stage.

Ghana Australia was another matter entirely . Comedy gold that was. Australia was awash in controversy over if Harry Kewell was going to play or not. Well he did . We even had a pool as to how long he would stay on before he was gone. I had 34 minutes, as it is he was sent off on 23 minutes. Handball if you're curious, a few more inches it would have been his chest and he'd have been a hero. He even argued the card and had to be escorted off the pitch. Kewell aside, both  teams played to win and a 10 man Australia barely showed signs they were even bothered by what would have crippled a lesser side. Lots of chances going both ways, great goal keeping. Some of us even wondered if we could just dispense with a search for a new keeper and offer Schwarzer a British passport. In the end it was a 1-1 draw with both teams deserving the single point. An entertaining match  that went by so fast you never really did  notice the passage of time.

The last match of the day was the equally entertaining but ultimately sad Cameroon v Denmark . The 2-1 result belies the effort both teams put in. A galaxy of current, past and future Premiership stars fought it out in the best flowing match perhaps of the entire tournament. Both keepers were outstanding and the pace was electric. The strategy was to win and not be too worried about leaking goals. The end result was an end to end contest filled with spectacular shots hits and tackles. Samuel Eto Nicholas Bendtner and Rohmedahl each scored. To be honest, Cameroon deserved to win on the strength of frankly unlucky shots on the Danish goal and brilliant goal keeping. A gutted group of Lions are gannin yem while Denmark soldier on into the knock out round. Cameroon should be proud of  the level of play and quality they showed neutrals. While they will have preferred to win, at least they go out in style fighting to the last. Would all the matches be this good , I wouldn't have nodded off as often as I have.

The lowlight of the day had to be the following exchange...which sent me to the kitchen to make my tea rather than have to hear the rest of what would  surely be  the worst commentary since I sat next to a bunch of charvs discussing the merits of popular culture. BBC 's best said the following..."Anyone seen Space Jam? You know, that movie where all the superstar basketball players lose their abilities and a bunch of nobodies end up becoming the best basketball players in the world. Basically, I'm expecting a Bill Murray cameo around the quarter finals." . I couldn't make this stuff up. In a further sign of things to come, we had a BBC screen sans the scoreline or the time for the first few minutes. And In further surrealist developments, the Big Sulk Anelka apparently told Domenech to make love to himself, though probably not as politely as I just put it, as a result he's on the next flight home to water the plants and sort out his recycling. No worries Nic , nobody thinks you did the wrong thing.

Here a few gems from today's idle banter. My thanks to somebody's father and his text messages.The England Squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "it's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Jamai Umboto, aged 6'  And:  "Oxo are introducing a white Oxo cube with a red cross on it, as a tribute to the England football team. It's called The Laughing Stock.".

Mock the week is back, and I finally go to see it two days later. I swear I think 6.5 hours of telly a day is about the limit a human can take. Even ringers have to take a break when doing the extended dvd LOTR marathon ( not including appendices) at about the 6 hour point. I could feel my eyes trying to glower at me unsuccessfully. Best they could do was water up and sting in a slightly stroppy manner. Where was I? Mock the week, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons joined by guests Diane Morgan, Milton Jones and Chris Addison kicked off the new series in grand style. You could tell they had weeks of material just bursting to be used. I can't wait for the out-takes reel to see the stuff they left behind. The Green howler was dealt with in typical sensitive MTW fashion and the new Condem government was raked over the coals in a tip to Mr. Cameron that he won't be getting any votes from these comedians. I have missed this programme so much, so pleased it's back just in time to take our minds off the troubles on the pitch.

Last treat today was the first part of an all star cast of monsters, friends and companions in The Pandorica Opens. Vincent, Winston and other assorted characters from the latest series of Doctor Who conspired to get a message to Matt Smith that he's in mortal danger of some kind. I won't tell you what happens, you need to watch it yourself, but I can tell you this. "Pandorica opens" is a throwback to the great adventure serials you used to hear on radio or watch on telly. Stonehenge sits atop a secret chamber complete with cobwebs and decaying monsters trying to kill you while you decode the secret message before it's too late. Nothing is at seems while the writers keep tickling the funny bone with scenes you would have found in the funny bits of Indiana Jones. But it's not all laughs my friends, keep a box of tissue handy for a poignant reunion. The ep ends on a shocking note that will have older viewers remembering the way Flash Gordon or Batman used to get into trouble. Will the Doctor get out of this one? Will it all end badly for Amy? Will River Song destroy time and space? Tune in next Saturday --- Same Bat Time, same Bat-channel!

As always, this post brought to you by BBC Radio Newcastle's Nick Roberts and Beat Surrender, you can hear the latest programme HERE.

Britain's got X-Factor or how Darth Cowell ruined music

There is something wrong on board the good ship UK music and entertainment scene. You can feel a feint miasmic sense of fear and rebellion in the air all about the Empire. Darth Cowel might well be as weak as he will ever be, and the time is now to destroy the Death Star X-Factor . Somewhere out there in countless Ice caves and isolated trading posts, real singers, dancers, comedians, and bands toil away in anonymity, honing their craft for the day their hard worked for experience counts for something.  Circus freaks , animal acts and acrobats have been exiled to Berlin St-Petersburg and Cirque du Soliel in hopes of getting any respect at all. Rock, country, Jazz, traditional folk and Celtic have been effectively banned from the airwaves for the better part of a decade. The last time the Christmas number one wasn't an X factor clone is so long ago we can barely remember it ( except of course for Rage against the Machine last year).  If it weren't for a vibrant gay music scene, there might not be anything to listen to at all. Oh aye, there are a few glimmers here and there. Imelda May, Paulo Nutini, Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse, have all swum against the tide, but in some cases only after having had to work in the shadows for years or having daddy shout at the record company till they gave in. In the case of the the Arctic Monkeys, they went outside the box and used youtube and My space to sell themselves from nowhere. Bands like Sunderland's Futureheads or Newcastle's Maximo Park depend on regional radio to get them airtime or on speciality stations, if they waited around for mainstream radio and television to pick them up, they would still be waiting.

There is a reason why ACDC and the Rolling Stones are still dropping albums top of the charts 40 years after they first burst on the scene. Current acceptable commercial music as churned out by the likes of Cowell and his partner in crime Louis Walsh , is tepid, inoffensive one trick pony shite designed to please grannies and 14 year old girls. NO ONE else seems to matter here. Under Darth Cowell's regime there has been an almost fanatical eradication of anything not five minutes old or outside the moral dictates of mumsnet. Every time you hear the code words "more contemporary" or the truly deadly words, "too old fashioned", the hand of Simon has spoken and another performer has been put in his or her place. How dare you be true to your roots or do anything the audience would recognize or be challenged by? And then there are the judges, Amanda  Yet to be funny Holden, Piers "oily twat" Morgan, the other Minogue, and Louis Walsh, the four Horsemen of the musical apocalypse help their master Sauron dumb down the great British public by declaring things like " I've never seen anything like that before". Well you would luvs if you got out more, and it would be 100 times better than the delusional amateurs you have allowed to audition. There's also the classic, you're brilliant, a sign of the future! I love you. Usually reserved for some skinny girl doing a bad impersonation of Beyonce Knowles or some lads  pretending to be the next Take That. It would not be fair of me to say that 14 year old girls don't have any taste, they may well do, but they'll never know if they are only served up a steady stream of Jades, Diversitys and West Lifes.The judges and Simon have to let the gates open to other styles and cultures that live in the UK and have been there in some cases for hundreds of years. UK music once used to be the fountain-head that all other music copied, now it slavishly copies a steadily narrowing type of song and dance styles from the USA.

If acts like U2 , Eurhytmics or Bowie had to try to bubble up for the first time today, they would be eating pot noodle and living at Mum's for another decade. In a napster age where it is harder and harder to make a decent living as an artist, real talent is being pushed down in favour of instant pliable good looking lip synch puppets. These so called performers are taken raw with little or no training, flashed up and tossed to the wolves for a few minutes of fame and all the real money goes into the hands of the promoters.... you guessed it Simon Cowell and friends.

Cowell and co are not solely to blame, ITV and networks like it are liable as well, in as much as they tolerate the plethora of programmes with essentially the same format and the same judges where they treat the contestants/auditionees like so much jello to toss around as they play, let's annoy Simon by putting through Jedward or the Jackson miming pig. I understand that ratings need a few car wrecks, but frankly it has gone way to far. Prospects with so little talent they are more likely to be mistaken for audience members  come up and are stroked into thinking that the ear bleeding rendition of "You lift me up" was almost as good as the original. The socially disabled strange person who thinks they are brilliant  because mates have told them so and they took lessons all week before coming, get upset , when Cowell finally has a moment of clarity and tells them they're terrible. It wouldn't happen if the pre screening  weeded out the frankly horrifying alleged talents that, burp, break pencils with their butt cheeks, play flute badly, sing off key, or are just plain awful. I know ratings... BTW, do you think the people at BGT thought that the Queen wanted to see a man burp?

But surely we'd all still watch if the acts were so much better? There in lies the rub, even if they did only allow the good  acts through AND expanded the scope and styles of music and dance, there would only ever be enough decent acts to do a series or two before putting the programme away for 5 or 6 years. You have to hit a wall where the well runs dry. Then what? you get the embarrassing Search for the next Dorothy or the poor sap who will represent Britain in Eurovision. One girl had never sung before and was qualified only because she was fit and  was discovered walking by the studio by one of Andrew Lloyd Wizard's minions. The fact she nearly made it is even scarier.

Id like to also tackle the whole issue of so called street dance. Before you all send me angry e-mails, I respect anybody who excels at their dance style , even if I don't like it. But the phenomenon of three years running having a street dance act win is beginning to grate on me. Here in essence is the problem. There is a limited audience for street dance. The adult population of Britain and the world has a wider taste pallet than essentially the same dozen quickly repeated steps to music that is pre-recorded and not credited to the artists who performed them. With respect, you should look at music hall, Jazz, Ballet, Broadway, Polish mountain dancers, Russians , Bulgarians Asians and all sorts of Africans to see truly complicated and entertaining dance moves that will make street dance look like amateur hour. The fact that Cowell and co have never seen this or consider it too old fashioned, keeps street dance going. Besides that, street dance unlike  ballet, Jazz, Broadway,  folk and other dance styles is vigorous and more likely to injure a performer. The life span of such a performer is very short and  given the current conditions in entertainment, not a profitable career choice.  Even if we accept that one or two street dance troops , who are street in name only, can survive as viable acts,. I point you to Riverdance, a single show that dominated an entire genre. Again , given the choice, if the proverbial 14 year old girls with mobiles had the wider variety in front of them, they would choose the more spectacular and talent heavy dance forms currently being kept from them.

Speaking of dance , classic, Jazz and West end, competitions just for dancers are no better. If you have any experience, been to school too long, have a real choreographer, or are currently in an off off off off broadway production of any kind, you won't get on the show. The winners go on to steal your spots in the big productions where a barely talented, inexperienced dancer singer is fronting a show with  100 angry back up dancers and singers who are better but forced to be in the chorus , because the girl up front won a competition. Would you rather see Catherine Zeta Jones or the new Dorothy, whoever she is?  Which one is worth £100 a seat and which is a bit of a rip off?

It's at a point where performers are nothing more than game show victims who get a gift bag and their parking validated. If you manage to stick it out for most of the full 12 week run of such a programme , you should be paid like any other legitimate performer. These mostly delusional amateurs are used and discarded as quickly, usually seeing little of the money their appearances generated for the production company or the network. This voluntary slavery for the stupid is the worst kind of abuse and it's keeping legitimate artists who should be being showcased, miles away from any stage.

In short, if you are any good at anything , in the UK there is a system to channel you from young person to seasoned performer . This system has produced exemplary singers, dancers, musicians, actors, writers and all round performers. If you have a child who is talented, be honest with them, take the time and use the system that has been there in some cases since before Shakespeare. There is no replacement for hard work or training, nor is there any excuse in a country as old and as varied to limit the choice of musical and dance style to just the one. Doing that nearly killed tweed and it's killing music now.


Let me point out one last thing. These acts that we are supposed to be giving a huge break to, must be good enough to be part of a decent variety circuit that is supported by television and local music hall type places. Variety television has been struggling of late due to poor choices in booking and perhaps the presenters. So that leaves us an act that can sell singles, fill auditoriums across the country at £30 or £40 a ticket minimum for an entire 90 minute show.  The acts that benefit will be ones that have some genuine variety , a story to tell and personality.

So what about BGT super week? we have the final 10 , who by the way under normal circumstances would be 20, and go on for weeks yet, being dropped one a week. But this year it's the World Cup and I think Simon Cowell doesn't want to do it any more.Lets look at the finalists.

Kieran Gaffney Musician Little drummer boy: Boy in search of a band to play for in a few years, won't win .

Liam McNally Singer The little lad with the big voice: Sadly should have been sent to voice classes and a choir years ago. As it is, his voice will break and his career beyond BGT will be short and inglorious.Boys and girls like him can be spotted in time and trained if the parents just know where to look.


Janey Cutler Singer The great grandmother with the giant voice. She could get a small following but will be dropped like a hot potato by Syco the moment she is yesterday's news.

Twist and Pulse Dance act The pioneers of Streetomedy. Pioneers of nothing, and yet another of a long string of street dancers who will only flourish in multi act venues and cannot sustain a 90 minute show of their own.

Christopher Stone Singer The singing accountant: He's al right but he won't sell tickets, cd's or singles.


Paul Burling Impressionist The man of a hundred voices.: My pick to win, but judging by my track record, he'll be lucky to get mid table. But I hope I'm wrong. 20 years honing his craft, he deserves respect and he is a genuinely entertaining person.


Connected Singers The boy band of tomorrow: I hate boy bands, but I suppose they may give JLS a run for their money. Even if they don't win they have already won. Would have loved to see them over 12 weeks... Look at all the money you're throwing away Simon.



Tina and Chandi Animal act Best friends, dance partners, soulmates: My personal favourite to charm the crowd and they may get a lot more work in telly now. Good luck Chandi, Another one we would have loved to see for much longer.


Spelbound Gymnasts Gravity defying feats: First to admit I can't do any of that stuff, but there are acts worldwide, some as close as France who are far better and more established that will blow these guys out of the water. They won't get any work in the proper variety circuit until they get much better.


Tobias Mead Dance act The street dancer with the liquid limbs: Lord spare me.... another one who could not sustain an entire show by himself. His career will be limited by the BGT travelling circus this summer then goodbye .

The truly sad thing is that a number of acts that would have benefited from a full normal run over the summer would have been ....

Kevin Cruise, camp cruise singer and all round entertainer, So bad he was good. un like Jedward, he knew was a bit of a joke and consequently brilliant.

Stevie Starr , swallower and Shane Mcgowan of circus freaks, was impossible to take your eyes off him...

Neil Fullard Sinatra channeller and bouncer. Would have been great for the the run and on the back of it go onto Benidorm to entertain the masses there.

Kev Orkian would have done some great stuff given the chance, but we'll never know now.

The Arrangement... Posh Britain's next big thing. I honestly think they will be around far longer than Herr Cowell thinks.

Enjoy the show, Hope for the best but don't be too disappointed if a performer with no need to sing, compose, play an instrument, engage the audience or otherwise be as well rounded as Bruce Forsythe , Ant and Dec or the Pythons wins. At this rate, it looks like the whole genre is dying a deserved death. We can only hope what comes after this will be a lot better.

If BGT has a theme song . it's To dream the impossible dream. Far too many poor fools cue up completely devoid of talent , filled with sob stories and whose sole purpose is to be humiliated by the judges. I know the right thing to do is send out scouts and find genuinely ready talent to promote. Talent that has paid it's dues, talent that will make for some seriously hard choices and prove that Britain does indeed have talent. However, I don't see that happening any time soon.

Back on Monday with the regular post.... Thanks for reading.

We came DEAD last in EUROVISION and other news from the glowing box

We came in dead last, 10 points, I nearly died laughing with the final indignation of being pushed into absolute bottom of the table by of all countries, Belarus. My mate Stu and my wife were incoherent with laughter. Apart from the shame of finishing behind the worse song in the final, we deserved what we got. My wife used to do stand up comedy, I mention this only as she has had to come on after a stonking  great act that killed. Short of self immolation, there is nothing you can do to look good after some guy has stripped off and shot fire from his arse. Poor Josh had to perform right after the highest octane party piece of the night. Greece OPAe'd the crowd into a dance frenzy only to be equalled later by the French song, he didn't stand a chance.  I feel bad for Josh, he'll have to give back the economy pack of M&S underwear the BBC bought him. Maybe now a guest spot on the washed out Eurovision acts edition of Come Dine with me? He's so old news, even Jordan , real name Katie Price, won't pretend to have an affair with him. 

The reason we did come in last was a vestige of block voting. Belarus, the country who sported butterfly wings and bad phonetically sung English  ( I told you I would remember) had a neighbour give them their douze points, bless em. Arguably the worst act of the night, they ranked below Britain and Ukraine in poor song choice poor singer choice poor costume choice and the resulting mess of previously mentioned choices. And yet they still managed to get more points than Britain. That said, block voting seems to be well and truly dead. Some countries did not get the memo and triggered sporadic booing by giving  the Russian entry that had suicide help lines on red alert, 90 points.  Ireland however preferred voting for good songs and only gave Britain 4 points, seems Eurovision has turned the corner on at least this one big issue. The winner even came from one of the four sponsoring nations, things are looking up.

How did my countries to follow fare?

Greece 8th 140 points
France 12th 82 points
Serbia 13th 72 points
Germany 1st 246 points
Turkey 2nd 170 points
Albania 16th 62 points

Full final results here  Britain voted 8 points for Romania, 10 points for Turkey, and 12 points for Greece.


Some final thoughts on Eurovision before I file it away for another  year. Apologies to Albania, I completely forgot to praise a song that was genuinely good, catchy and worthy of any mainstream radio. Saved the big kvetching for the lowlight reel, the few incidents along the way  that caused us pain or giggles. While not a bumber crop, there were a few moments.  Russia made us want to leave the room and floss our teeth or worse, when he dropped the photo , my only thought was , were they trying to lose? Spain had a mildly amusing pitch invasion. If I'm honest, Daniel Diges managed to carry on as if it was part of the act never missing a beat. Ukraine had a tone deaf girl dressed in Yoda's cowl, who were she not dead fit, was only saved by the ubiquitous wind machine. I couldn't say much about her signing as I had the telly on mute during most of her performance.  Bjork  sang without her trade mark swan dress. Having packed on that much weight and changed her singing style..It does explain why she hasn't been invited to a Brit Awards in a while. Barefoot Georgia was a bit awkward to watch. I still don't understand why she needed help walking from her back up dancers? Maybe if they had worn orthopaedic shoes she could have at least moved around a bit. Graham Norton during the entire proceedings was his usual sarcastic self. At times you almost believed him when he ever so faintly praised Josh Dubovie or was effusive about the butterfly dresses. His best wit  was reserved for some of the jackets "even he wouldn't wear" or the times he took the mickey out of himself for being vapid during an interview with some Eurovision hostess. I missed a lot once the scores came in as myself and Stu were making inappropriate remarks about the ladies  reporting votes from various capitals. Aim for the gutter and you about got it right. You know I'm almost looking forward to next year now.

Graham Norton back at his day job, was up to his old tricks. Last Monday was yet another mostly decent ep, save for the presence of the stunned , dull  disoriented and confused Janet Jackson and her puppet master Tyler Perry. Comedian Marcus Brigstocke and Norton kept the show moving till Python Legend Eric Idle was released from the green room to thunderous applause. He of course should have been there from the beginning as he is in the grand scheme of things, bigger than Janet Jackson. You felt the programme come  to life the moment he stepped onto the altar of chat and took over. Poor Janet looked like she had just been run over by a fast moving train. I know you need the odd American guest, but they should be first made to watch an ep or two before coming on. As for Janet Jackson, the only person more out of it when they were on was Katie Price.

Speaking of mistakes, Last Monday I might have been a tad harsh on J.J. Abrahms. I basically said he needed to have some balls and tell  ABC where to go when they demanded MORE eps than three years worth. I stand corrected. Source of all that is knowable in such things, Kieth "Telly" Topping ( Telly  not his real middle name) informs me of the following.."Basically, the creators sold the show to ABC as a recurring series which had an end to it. Now, writers in that position are onto something of a hiding because, if nobody watches the early episodes, you might have to wrap the whole thing up with very little notice around episode eight! But, on the contrary, if it takes off then the network is likely to want five, six, seven, eight, ten, however many years of miling it. Simple economics of TV, that. Don't kill the oglden goose. What happened with Lost was that sometime around about the middle of season three, Casee and Lindelof realised that every time they wanted to take a step forward in terms of the overall plot, they then had to take a couple sideways (that entire episodes which existed purely to explain where Jack got his exotic tattoo from, is the example they usually cite). So, they approached ABC and said, to the effect, 'we need about fifty episodes from here to finish this so, how about we do two seasons of twenty four episodes and then end it.' ABC reluctantly agreed (since the show still had a pretty big audience) but suggested instead a compromise, three series of sixteen instead of two of twenty four. (In the end, due to a number of exterior factors we got three seasons of fifteen-seventeen-and-eighteen!)".  As I explained somewhere else, I was writing on the basis of media reports at the time of the initial announcement . This bit of news of course makes absolute sense and I thank Keith for the clarification. I stand by my opinion though that it was stretched out too long and would have made more sense without so much filler.

On to more pressing things ..... If you haven't seen Doctor Who this week, please avert your eyes for the following segment.  Part 2 of the Silurian resurrection  was everything I said it would be. Laughter, pain , grief anguish and sarcasm, and that was just the pre Eurovision debate we had before DW came on. Ok I've warned you , from here in  I'm in spoiler land...

The best and the worst of humanity is on display, warriors posture, maternal instincts lead to poor choices, love blossoms, and some memories fade for ever. DW bosses have set up a tasty sequel to take place 1000 years from now. Will humanity be any more inviting to the Silurians than they were this time? will the Silurian's military be just as trigger happy and more interested in "Living space" than sharing the planet with apes? Only the writers know for sure , but I know one thing, it will be classic stuff. I particularly liked the way the way so much sacrifice seems to be for the good, deeply flawed mother becomes teacher of peace and cooperation , lover becomes a bridge between the races. Lastly....... Amy looses Rory for good, not only is he killed, but he is lost to the rift in time. Amy strugles to remember him , but it's pretty clear for now that he's gone. Last time a companion death made me feel that bad, Adric was taken from us. Unlike Mickey, remember Mickey? Rose's ex? ... the gormless one ? No nothing?  Mickey gets shipped off to Torchwood where he marries Martha and fights aliens. Not the glorious death that will be stuff of legend and song is it? Rory will be missed by many , but not by the writers who had to figure a way to dodge the bullet of the wedding the next day before Amy signed on board the Tardis. I have saved the best for last though. The famous rift in time, the one that keeps swallowing up whole people and otherwise indestructible monsters, just got more complicated and tragic. As a fan I cannot help but think that there will be an end time for something. Perhaps the Doctor himself or the Tardis, which of course is far worse. We are used to the idea of new faces, new costumes, but the notion of our beloved knackered old type 40 Tardis one day being junked in a tragic act of supreme sacrifice to save the universe, is too much to bear. I predict a Facebook save the Tardis campaign, many letters to Ofcom and a silly editorial in the Guardian wondering what the fuss is all about.

In the perhaps it's too early to laugh department, I heard this gem from a fellow poster at Gallifrey Base.

Quote Arn....I can't see what anyone could get upset about with tonight's Who. After all a stiff Rory's been up Amy's crack plenty of times before.

Where do you go from that bit of crassness?  Why Britain's got talent of course. This programme makes Eurovision look like Royal Shakespeare. Best bits from Saturday  had to be the strange Ali Baba who did some spectacular Slavic and Turkish dancing. Pity Big Top Amanda only seems to know street dance and Michael Jackson impersonation. One hopes she doesn't get asked to judge on Strictly. Ali Baba stormed off in a huff of Mediterranean passion leaving his "friend" he met on hols in the lurch. Strange man , strange relationship. The other strange bit of casting was putting through the Michael Jackson miming pig as well as the truly awful Madonna drag queen. Truth be told, the pig was better.  Mercifully, the top 40 selection has trimmed away the vast majority of street dance troupes and left a decent amount of drag acts , freaks, singers acrobats and  assorted "other ones" .  Now it's BGT and Corrie giving us a full week of drama , pathos and utter shite, still not sure who will deliver what .

My father being a veteran who travelled with the British 8th corps ( in the polish Karpacka Brygada) has told me many stories about the miracle of Dunkirk. You need to watch Dunkirk :The story behind the legend BBC. An eye opening investigation in perhaps the most important action in World War 2 in the spring of 1940.  If you will allow me this one moment of sentimentality. Take the time to get to know your parents and grandparents. Learn the story of their sacrifices while they can still tell you. Our way of life for better or ill , is what it is because of them. If you've lost yours, make friends with somebody else's grandparents.

Now if you like Time Team or the Story of Science, you might think History Cold Case on BBC2 was worth catching. Don't bother. Where Time Team would have come to some  fairly accurate conclusion in about 6 minutes , Cold Case is still hemming and hawing 45 minutes in. It's Science for dummies dressed in a lot of pretty gimmicks. Don't wast your time. Another waste of time had to be Question Time. Alistair Campbell was told to piss off or the new ConDemn coalition was going to boycott. How very democratic, on second thought here is the link . BTW Paul saw you in Tower blocks and Togas, have you still got that leather jacket?

A few quick links Child of our time personality test  is compelling and is far from over, take the test.  Jonathan Dimbleby started an absorbing voyage across Africa . Looking through the various Players, I've found this to pass the time if there aren't any compelling programmes this week. Blackadder rides again, and Trafalgar: Battle surgeon  It's the only programme on the subject that ever mentioned that there were women on board the Victory. If all else fails, rent Life on Mars or dig out your Sweeney tapes.

On a different note, I'd like to suggest you have fun with a hand whisk this week, unplug the magimix , and make a pavlova or meringue. Takes me the same amount of time and I have more control than any magimix ever gave me.   Or get yourself a pastry cutter, canny for blending butter and other things in a pie dough ,again ditch the magimix, the moment the dough happens is special. Jamie does the Pyrennes had  a great recipe for a warm summer salad. We had it today and will keep it as a regular on the menu now.

Blog brought to you by Nick Robert's Beat Surrender on listen again,  this week's a great alternative to Eurovision. Get ready for the World Cup by taking Keith Topping's World Cup Trivia . Till next Monday then!