Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Curse of the rubbish Goal keeper or the Clown Keeper Convention

Finally a mystery worthy of the great Sherlock Homes himself. What has happened to the goal keepers of the world. It's like a virus has struck anybody standing between to sticks. Suddenly these highly paid professionals cannot seem to stop a ball often struck so poorly that you wonder if a settee surfing lay about (Yes I'm talking about you) couldn't have got his mitts around the thing. . You have to wonder hadn't you, just why the footie Gods have chosen to afflict this World Cup first with vuvuzelas and now an apparent epidemic of the dropsies.

I can't speak for the vuvuzelas, except to say that if you find them annoying there are measures you can take, starting with your television . Go to your advanced settings and reduce the treble to NIL, this won't make the bees go away, but they won't drill into your head so badly. You can also have a moan to FIFA .This blight on the ears has one positive effect, well several, firstly it has united fans from the planet over, including Africa, to call for a ban. Don't let anybody tell you it's just Europeans and we are being insensitive to the local culture. That is the PC position adopted by some bleeding hearts who would rather discuss the role of empire rather than watch some decent football. The other  benefit is that I have at long last found a way to drown out Mick McCarthy's bizarre mutterings about "two columns of four" and other strange incantations.  I'm certain if you listen long enough , you can hear a special message from God letting you know that you're a click away from great insurance rates if you use wesellanymeercats.com.

Mick wasn't alone in having a hard day though, Mark Lawrenson, Scouse legend in his own mind, was on the verge of self immolation during the Japan Cameroon match. Several pleas for clemency were made, but the referee refused to call time at the 60th minute. I'm sure there have been more boring matches  in this tournament, but Japan Cameroon was by far the least memorable and most reminiscent of a classic defensive battle of wits in a Fizzy pop (Cola Championship) relegation dogfight. You don't want to loose but you don't want to attack in case the other side proves less rubbish than you and sends you packing to league 1.

The gloom lifted finally when Italy v Paraguay kicked off. Italy perennial whingers left the blocks in a leisurely bolt in search of the goal to hunker down behind and defend. Sadly for Italy, Paraguay  scored a pretty goal that was well organized and executed. After this, Italy had to play to survive. For his trouble, the best goal keeper of the tournament thus far, was sent off by his own manager. I suppose Buffon hadn't got the memo about the new international standard . Not to worry, the Paraguayan keeper did, and in keeping with the bar set by Rob Green, he promptly surpassed it. Would you like to know why he couldn't stop the ball? Sun in his eyes, bit of dust, maybe his defenders distracted him? Could have been the cute little bird on the pitch, and he was incredibly cute. You give up? He was waving to a mate in the crowd and wasn't paying attention. Just when did this World Cup become the Ringling Brothers Comedy convention of crap Keepers?

Before we get too wrapped in  the colourful characters currently inflicting pain on their own supporters, ask yourself a question. Have you noticed that highly skilled professionals who play club football , are stars in their own right, cannot seem to complete passes properly. I'm not saying all the time, just enough to make you wonder if there isn't something else happening. How is that two players who regularly pass to each other almost instinctively, cannot seem to be able to control the ball.? I'm no expert, but I can make an educated guess. That ball we been using in the Champions League , that ball we been hearing about for months, that ball players have been slating since it was introduced, seems unstable. It bounces like a tennis ball, but gets trapped by the slightest breeze and rolls funny. Imagine if a new golf ball was introduced and near every pro  suddenly started killing innocent spectators with rogue golf balls. Unlike FIFA, the governing bodies of golf would quickly move to change the ball back.  While I'd love to blame the vuvuzela or Mick McCarthy and his incantations, I can't. Adidas has to shoulder some of the blame. They have made a ball that is one improvement too far. At some point there will be the penultimate ball. The Aristotelian football we are not worthy of building but one day will, or has that football come and gone? As players and spectators, we need a ball that will be a long term standard that will insure a uniformity of play experience if you have a decent pitch.

Three more matches and the arrival finally, of the other team that will be expected to put on a show. Brazil play hapless North Korea at 7:30 pm UK time ( sorry its on ITV)  so best to avoid the build-up and just tune in the match. With luck two things will happen, ITV won't cut away to an advert as  Kaka scores the goal of the tournament, and the comedy keeper curse won't strike again. Portugal v Ivory Coast promises to be equally entertaining, though if I'm honest, I hope the oily twat Christiano Ronaldo has a terrible World Cup.

Nearly forgot, today also saw the official appearance of the World Cup babes. The women who have been missing since Friday, have made it to their seats and are being beamed around the world to appreciative men who hither to have had to look at trannies and oddly dressed mascot fans in giant sperm costumes. Brazil and Portugal will be a treat ! 

I would tell you about some brilliant programmes on telly, but after 6 hours of football and little sleep I was only able to fit in today's Corrie and Jonathan Dimbleby before I passed out for a well deserved rest.

Next kick off in a few hours, best get some laundry in before we're trapped for another 6 hours. Laters all, enjoy the football and remember, support the best team, not the team Adrian Chiles brow beats you about .

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