Britain's got X-Factor or how Darth Cowell ruined music

There is something wrong on board the good ship UK music and entertainment scene. You can feel a feint miasmic sense of fear and rebellion in the air all about the Empire. Darth Cowel might well be as weak as he will ever be, and the time is now to destroy the Death Star X-Factor . Somewhere out there in countless Ice caves and isolated trading posts, real singers, dancers, comedians, and bands toil away in anonymity, honing their craft for the day their hard worked for experience counts for something.  Circus freaks , animal acts and acrobats have been exiled to Berlin St-Petersburg and Cirque du Soliel in hopes of getting any respect at all. Rock, country, Jazz, traditional folk and Celtic have been effectively banned from the airwaves for the better part of a decade. The last time the Christmas number one wasn't an X factor clone is so long ago we can barely remember it ( except of course for Rage against the Machine last year).  If it weren't for a vibrant gay music scene, there might not be anything to listen to at all. Oh aye, there are a few glimmers here and there. Imelda May, Paulo Nutini, Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse, have all swum against the tide, but in some cases only after having had to work in the shadows for years or having daddy shout at the record company till they gave in. In the case of the the Arctic Monkeys, they went outside the box and used youtube and My space to sell themselves from nowhere. Bands like Sunderland's Futureheads or Newcastle's Maximo Park depend on regional radio to get them airtime or on speciality stations, if they waited around for mainstream radio and television to pick them up, they would still be waiting.

There is a reason why ACDC and the Rolling Stones are still dropping albums top of the charts 40 years after they first burst on the scene. Current acceptable commercial music as churned out by the likes of Cowell and his partner in crime Louis Walsh , is tepid, inoffensive one trick pony shite designed to please grannies and 14 year old girls. NO ONE else seems to matter here. Under Darth Cowell's regime there has been an almost fanatical eradication of anything not five minutes old or outside the moral dictates of mumsnet. Every time you hear the code words "more contemporary" or the truly deadly words, "too old fashioned", the hand of Simon has spoken and another performer has been put in his or her place. How dare you be true to your roots or do anything the audience would recognize or be challenged by? And then there are the judges, Amanda  Yet to be funny Holden, Piers "oily twat" Morgan, the other Minogue, and Louis Walsh, the four Horsemen of the musical apocalypse help their master Sauron dumb down the great British public by declaring things like " I've never seen anything like that before". Well you would luvs if you got out more, and it would be 100 times better than the delusional amateurs you have allowed to audition. There's also the classic, you're brilliant, a sign of the future! I love you. Usually reserved for some skinny girl doing a bad impersonation of Beyonce Knowles or some lads  pretending to be the next Take That. It would not be fair of me to say that 14 year old girls don't have any taste, they may well do, but they'll never know if they are only served up a steady stream of Jades, Diversitys and West Lifes.The judges and Simon have to let the gates open to other styles and cultures that live in the UK and have been there in some cases for hundreds of years. UK music once used to be the fountain-head that all other music copied, now it slavishly copies a steadily narrowing type of song and dance styles from the USA.

If acts like U2 , Eurhytmics or Bowie had to try to bubble up for the first time today, they would be eating pot noodle and living at Mum's for another decade. In a napster age where it is harder and harder to make a decent living as an artist, real talent is being pushed down in favour of instant pliable good looking lip synch puppets. These so called performers are taken raw with little or no training, flashed up and tossed to the wolves for a few minutes of fame and all the real money goes into the hands of the promoters.... you guessed it Simon Cowell and friends.

Cowell and co are not solely to blame, ITV and networks like it are liable as well, in as much as they tolerate the plethora of programmes with essentially the same format and the same judges where they treat the contestants/auditionees like so much jello to toss around as they play, let's annoy Simon by putting through Jedward or the Jackson miming pig. I understand that ratings need a few car wrecks, but frankly it has gone way to far. Prospects with so little talent they are more likely to be mistaken for audience members  come up and are stroked into thinking that the ear bleeding rendition of "You lift me up" was almost as good as the original. The socially disabled strange person who thinks they are brilliant  because mates have told them so and they took lessons all week before coming, get upset , when Cowell finally has a moment of clarity and tells them they're terrible. It wouldn't happen if the pre screening  weeded out the frankly horrifying alleged talents that, burp, break pencils with their butt cheeks, play flute badly, sing off key, or are just plain awful. I know ratings... BTW, do you think the people at BGT thought that the Queen wanted to see a man burp?

But surely we'd all still watch if the acts were so much better? There in lies the rub, even if they did only allow the good  acts through AND expanded the scope and styles of music and dance, there would only ever be enough decent acts to do a series or two before putting the programme away for 5 or 6 years. You have to hit a wall where the well runs dry. Then what? you get the embarrassing Search for the next Dorothy or the poor sap who will represent Britain in Eurovision. One girl had never sung before and was qualified only because she was fit and  was discovered walking by the studio by one of Andrew Lloyd Wizard's minions. The fact she nearly made it is even scarier.

Id like to also tackle the whole issue of so called street dance. Before you all send me angry e-mails, I respect anybody who excels at their dance style , even if I don't like it. But the phenomenon of three years running having a street dance act win is beginning to grate on me. Here in essence is the problem. There is a limited audience for street dance. The adult population of Britain and the world has a wider taste pallet than essentially the same dozen quickly repeated steps to music that is pre-recorded and not credited to the artists who performed them. With respect, you should look at music hall, Jazz, Ballet, Broadway, Polish mountain dancers, Russians , Bulgarians Asians and all sorts of Africans to see truly complicated and entertaining dance moves that will make street dance look like amateur hour. The fact that Cowell and co have never seen this or consider it too old fashioned, keeps street dance going. Besides that, street dance unlike  ballet, Jazz, Broadway,  folk and other dance styles is vigorous and more likely to injure a performer. The life span of such a performer is very short and  given the current conditions in entertainment, not a profitable career choice.  Even if we accept that one or two street dance troops , who are street in name only, can survive as viable acts,. I point you to Riverdance, a single show that dominated an entire genre. Again , given the choice, if the proverbial 14 year old girls with mobiles had the wider variety in front of them, they would choose the more spectacular and talent heavy dance forms currently being kept from them.

Speaking of dance , classic, Jazz and West end, competitions just for dancers are no better. If you have any experience, been to school too long, have a real choreographer, or are currently in an off off off off broadway production of any kind, you won't get on the show. The winners go on to steal your spots in the big productions where a barely talented, inexperienced dancer singer is fronting a show with  100 angry back up dancers and singers who are better but forced to be in the chorus , because the girl up front won a competition. Would you rather see Catherine Zeta Jones or the new Dorothy, whoever she is?  Which one is worth £100 a seat and which is a bit of a rip off?

It's at a point where performers are nothing more than game show victims who get a gift bag and their parking validated. If you manage to stick it out for most of the full 12 week run of such a programme , you should be paid like any other legitimate performer. These mostly delusional amateurs are used and discarded as quickly, usually seeing little of the money their appearances generated for the production company or the network. This voluntary slavery for the stupid is the worst kind of abuse and it's keeping legitimate artists who should be being showcased, miles away from any stage.

In short, if you are any good at anything , in the UK there is a system to channel you from young person to seasoned performer . This system has produced exemplary singers, dancers, musicians, actors, writers and all round performers. If you have a child who is talented, be honest with them, take the time and use the system that has been there in some cases since before Shakespeare. There is no replacement for hard work or training, nor is there any excuse in a country as old and as varied to limit the choice of musical and dance style to just the one. Doing that nearly killed tweed and it's killing music now.


Let me point out one last thing. These acts that we are supposed to be giving a huge break to, must be good enough to be part of a decent variety circuit that is supported by television and local music hall type places. Variety television has been struggling of late due to poor choices in booking and perhaps the presenters. So that leaves us an act that can sell singles, fill auditoriums across the country at £30 or £40 a ticket minimum for an entire 90 minute show.  The acts that benefit will be ones that have some genuine variety , a story to tell and personality.

So what about BGT super week? we have the final 10 , who by the way under normal circumstances would be 20, and go on for weeks yet, being dropped one a week. But this year it's the World Cup and I think Simon Cowell doesn't want to do it any more.Lets look at the finalists.

Kieran Gaffney Musician Little drummer boy: Boy in search of a band to play for in a few years, won't win .

Liam McNally Singer The little lad with the big voice: Sadly should have been sent to voice classes and a choir years ago. As it is, his voice will break and his career beyond BGT will be short and inglorious.Boys and girls like him can be spotted in time and trained if the parents just know where to look.


Janey Cutler Singer The great grandmother with the giant voice. She could get a small following but will be dropped like a hot potato by Syco the moment she is yesterday's news.

Twist and Pulse Dance act The pioneers of Streetomedy. Pioneers of nothing, and yet another of a long string of street dancers who will only flourish in multi act venues and cannot sustain a 90 minute show of their own.

Christopher Stone Singer The singing accountant: He's al right but he won't sell tickets, cd's or singles.


Paul Burling Impressionist The man of a hundred voices.: My pick to win, but judging by my track record, he'll be lucky to get mid table. But I hope I'm wrong. 20 years honing his craft, he deserves respect and he is a genuinely entertaining person.


Connected Singers The boy band of tomorrow: I hate boy bands, but I suppose they may give JLS a run for their money. Even if they don't win they have already won. Would have loved to see them over 12 weeks... Look at all the money you're throwing away Simon.



Tina and Chandi Animal act Best friends, dance partners, soulmates: My personal favourite to charm the crowd and they may get a lot more work in telly now. Good luck Chandi, Another one we would have loved to see for much longer.


Spelbound Gymnasts Gravity defying feats: First to admit I can't do any of that stuff, but there are acts worldwide, some as close as France who are far better and more established that will blow these guys out of the water. They won't get any work in the proper variety circuit until they get much better.


Tobias Mead Dance act The street dancer with the liquid limbs: Lord spare me.... another one who could not sustain an entire show by himself. His career will be limited by the BGT travelling circus this summer then goodbye .

The truly sad thing is that a number of acts that would have benefited from a full normal run over the summer would have been ....

Kevin Cruise, camp cruise singer and all round entertainer, So bad he was good. un like Jedward, he knew was a bit of a joke and consequently brilliant.

Stevie Starr , swallower and Shane Mcgowan of circus freaks, was impossible to take your eyes off him...

Neil Fullard Sinatra channeller and bouncer. Would have been great for the the run and on the back of it go onto Benidorm to entertain the masses there.

Kev Orkian would have done some great stuff given the chance, but we'll never know now.

The Arrangement... Posh Britain's next big thing. I honestly think they will be around far longer than Herr Cowell thinks.

Enjoy the show, Hope for the best but don't be too disappointed if a performer with no need to sing, compose, play an instrument, engage the audience or otherwise be as well rounded as Bruce Forsythe , Ant and Dec or the Pythons wins. At this rate, it looks like the whole genre is dying a deserved death. We can only hope what comes after this will be a lot better.

If BGT has a theme song . it's To dream the impossible dream. Far too many poor fools cue up completely devoid of talent , filled with sob stories and whose sole purpose is to be humiliated by the judges. I know the right thing to do is send out scouts and find genuinely ready talent to promote. Talent that has paid it's dues, talent that will make for some seriously hard choices and prove that Britain does indeed have talent. However, I don't see that happening any time soon.

Back on Monday with the regular post.... Thanks for reading.

We came DEAD last in EUROVISION and other news from the glowing box

We came in dead last, 10 points, I nearly died laughing with the final indignation of being pushed into absolute bottom of the table by of all countries, Belarus. My mate Stu and my wife were incoherent with laughter. Apart from the shame of finishing behind the worse song in the final, we deserved what we got. My wife used to do stand up comedy, I mention this only as she has had to come on after a stonking  great act that killed. Short of self immolation, there is nothing you can do to look good after some guy has stripped off and shot fire from his arse. Poor Josh had to perform right after the highest octane party piece of the night. Greece OPAe'd the crowd into a dance frenzy only to be equalled later by the French song, he didn't stand a chance.  I feel bad for Josh, he'll have to give back the economy pack of M&S underwear the BBC bought him. Maybe now a guest spot on the washed out Eurovision acts edition of Come Dine with me? He's so old news, even Jordan , real name Katie Price, won't pretend to have an affair with him. 

The reason we did come in last was a vestige of block voting. Belarus, the country who sported butterfly wings and bad phonetically sung English  ( I told you I would remember) had a neighbour give them their douze points, bless em. Arguably the worst act of the night, they ranked below Britain and Ukraine in poor song choice poor singer choice poor costume choice and the resulting mess of previously mentioned choices. And yet they still managed to get more points than Britain. That said, block voting seems to be well and truly dead. Some countries did not get the memo and triggered sporadic booing by giving  the Russian entry that had suicide help lines on red alert, 90 points.  Ireland however preferred voting for good songs and only gave Britain 4 points, seems Eurovision has turned the corner on at least this one big issue. The winner even came from one of the four sponsoring nations, things are looking up.

How did my countries to follow fare?

Greece 8th 140 points
France 12th 82 points
Serbia 13th 72 points
Germany 1st 246 points
Turkey 2nd 170 points
Albania 16th 62 points

Full final results here  Britain voted 8 points for Romania, 10 points for Turkey, and 12 points for Greece.


Some final thoughts on Eurovision before I file it away for another  year. Apologies to Albania, I completely forgot to praise a song that was genuinely good, catchy and worthy of any mainstream radio. Saved the big kvetching for the lowlight reel, the few incidents along the way  that caused us pain or giggles. While not a bumber crop, there were a few moments.  Russia made us want to leave the room and floss our teeth or worse, when he dropped the photo , my only thought was , were they trying to lose? Spain had a mildly amusing pitch invasion. If I'm honest, Daniel Diges managed to carry on as if it was part of the act never missing a beat. Ukraine had a tone deaf girl dressed in Yoda's cowl, who were she not dead fit, was only saved by the ubiquitous wind machine. I couldn't say much about her signing as I had the telly on mute during most of her performance.  Bjork  sang without her trade mark swan dress. Having packed on that much weight and changed her singing style..It does explain why she hasn't been invited to a Brit Awards in a while. Barefoot Georgia was a bit awkward to watch. I still don't understand why she needed help walking from her back up dancers? Maybe if they had worn orthopaedic shoes she could have at least moved around a bit. Graham Norton during the entire proceedings was his usual sarcastic self. At times you almost believed him when he ever so faintly praised Josh Dubovie or was effusive about the butterfly dresses. His best wit  was reserved for some of the jackets "even he wouldn't wear" or the times he took the mickey out of himself for being vapid during an interview with some Eurovision hostess. I missed a lot once the scores came in as myself and Stu were making inappropriate remarks about the ladies  reporting votes from various capitals. Aim for the gutter and you about got it right. You know I'm almost looking forward to next year now.

Graham Norton back at his day job, was up to his old tricks. Last Monday was yet another mostly decent ep, save for the presence of the stunned , dull  disoriented and confused Janet Jackson and her puppet master Tyler Perry. Comedian Marcus Brigstocke and Norton kept the show moving till Python Legend Eric Idle was released from the green room to thunderous applause. He of course should have been there from the beginning as he is in the grand scheme of things, bigger than Janet Jackson. You felt the programme come  to life the moment he stepped onto the altar of chat and took over. Poor Janet looked like she had just been run over by a fast moving train. I know you need the odd American guest, but they should be first made to watch an ep or two before coming on. As for Janet Jackson, the only person more out of it when they were on was Katie Price.

Speaking of mistakes, Last Monday I might have been a tad harsh on J.J. Abrahms. I basically said he needed to have some balls and tell  ABC where to go when they demanded MORE eps than three years worth. I stand corrected. Source of all that is knowable in such things, Kieth "Telly" Topping ( Telly  not his real middle name) informs me of the following.."Basically, the creators sold the show to ABC as a recurring series which had an end to it. Now, writers in that position are onto something of a hiding because, if nobody watches the early episodes, you might have to wrap the whole thing up with very little notice around episode eight! But, on the contrary, if it takes off then the network is likely to want five, six, seven, eight, ten, however many years of miling it. Simple economics of TV, that. Don't kill the oglden goose. What happened with Lost was that sometime around about the middle of season three, Casee and Lindelof realised that every time they wanted to take a step forward in terms of the overall plot, they then had to take a couple sideways (that entire episodes which existed purely to explain where Jack got his exotic tattoo from, is the example they usually cite). So, they approached ABC and said, to the effect, 'we need about fifty episodes from here to finish this so, how about we do two seasons of twenty four episodes and then end it.' ABC reluctantly agreed (since the show still had a pretty big audience) but suggested instead a compromise, three series of sixteen instead of two of twenty four. (In the end, due to a number of exterior factors we got three seasons of fifteen-seventeen-and-eighteen!)".  As I explained somewhere else, I was writing on the basis of media reports at the time of the initial announcement . This bit of news of course makes absolute sense and I thank Keith for the clarification. I stand by my opinion though that it was stretched out too long and would have made more sense without so much filler.

On to more pressing things ..... If you haven't seen Doctor Who this week, please avert your eyes for the following segment.  Part 2 of the Silurian resurrection  was everything I said it would be. Laughter, pain , grief anguish and sarcasm, and that was just the pre Eurovision debate we had before DW came on. Ok I've warned you , from here in  I'm in spoiler land...

The best and the worst of humanity is on display, warriors posture, maternal instincts lead to poor choices, love blossoms, and some memories fade for ever. DW bosses have set up a tasty sequel to take place 1000 years from now. Will humanity be any more inviting to the Silurians than they were this time? will the Silurian's military be just as trigger happy and more interested in "Living space" than sharing the planet with apes? Only the writers know for sure , but I know one thing, it will be classic stuff. I particularly liked the way the way so much sacrifice seems to be for the good, deeply flawed mother becomes teacher of peace and cooperation , lover becomes a bridge between the races. Lastly....... Amy looses Rory for good, not only is he killed, but he is lost to the rift in time. Amy strugles to remember him , but it's pretty clear for now that he's gone. Last time a companion death made me feel that bad, Adric was taken from us. Unlike Mickey, remember Mickey? Rose's ex? ... the gormless one ? No nothing?  Mickey gets shipped off to Torchwood where he marries Martha and fights aliens. Not the glorious death that will be stuff of legend and song is it? Rory will be missed by many , but not by the writers who had to figure a way to dodge the bullet of the wedding the next day before Amy signed on board the Tardis. I have saved the best for last though. The famous rift in time, the one that keeps swallowing up whole people and otherwise indestructible monsters, just got more complicated and tragic. As a fan I cannot help but think that there will be an end time for something. Perhaps the Doctor himself or the Tardis, which of course is far worse. We are used to the idea of new faces, new costumes, but the notion of our beloved knackered old type 40 Tardis one day being junked in a tragic act of supreme sacrifice to save the universe, is too much to bear. I predict a Facebook save the Tardis campaign, many letters to Ofcom and a silly editorial in the Guardian wondering what the fuss is all about.

In the perhaps it's too early to laugh department, I heard this gem from a fellow poster at Gallifrey Base.

Quote Arn....I can't see what anyone could get upset about with tonight's Who. After all a stiff Rory's been up Amy's crack plenty of times before.

Where do you go from that bit of crassness?  Why Britain's got talent of course. This programme makes Eurovision look like Royal Shakespeare. Best bits from Saturday  had to be the strange Ali Baba who did some spectacular Slavic and Turkish dancing. Pity Big Top Amanda only seems to know street dance and Michael Jackson impersonation. One hopes she doesn't get asked to judge on Strictly. Ali Baba stormed off in a huff of Mediterranean passion leaving his "friend" he met on hols in the lurch. Strange man , strange relationship. The other strange bit of casting was putting through the Michael Jackson miming pig as well as the truly awful Madonna drag queen. Truth be told, the pig was better.  Mercifully, the top 40 selection has trimmed away the vast majority of street dance troupes and left a decent amount of drag acts , freaks, singers acrobats and  assorted "other ones" .  Now it's BGT and Corrie giving us a full week of drama , pathos and utter shite, still not sure who will deliver what .

My father being a veteran who travelled with the British 8th corps ( in the polish Karpacka Brygada) has told me many stories about the miracle of Dunkirk. You need to watch Dunkirk :The story behind the legend BBC. An eye opening investigation in perhaps the most important action in World War 2 in the spring of 1940.  If you will allow me this one moment of sentimentality. Take the time to get to know your parents and grandparents. Learn the story of their sacrifices while they can still tell you. Our way of life for better or ill , is what it is because of them. If you've lost yours, make friends with somebody else's grandparents.

Now if you like Time Team or the Story of Science, you might think History Cold Case on BBC2 was worth catching. Don't bother. Where Time Team would have come to some  fairly accurate conclusion in about 6 minutes , Cold Case is still hemming and hawing 45 minutes in. It's Science for dummies dressed in a lot of pretty gimmicks. Don't wast your time. Another waste of time had to be Question Time. Alistair Campbell was told to piss off or the new ConDemn coalition was going to boycott. How very democratic, on second thought here is the link . BTW Paul saw you in Tower blocks and Togas, have you still got that leather jacket?

A few quick links Child of our time personality test  is compelling and is far from over, take the test.  Jonathan Dimbleby started an absorbing voyage across Africa . Looking through the various Players, I've found this to pass the time if there aren't any compelling programmes this week. Blackadder rides again, and Trafalgar: Battle surgeon  It's the only programme on the subject that ever mentioned that there were women on board the Victory. If all else fails, rent Life on Mars or dig out your Sweeney tapes.

On a different note, I'd like to suggest you have fun with a hand whisk this week, unplug the magimix , and make a pavlova or meringue. Takes me the same amount of time and I have more control than any magimix ever gave me.   Or get yourself a pastry cutter, canny for blending butter and other things in a pie dough ,again ditch the magimix, the moment the dough happens is special. Jamie does the Pyrennes had  a great recipe for a warm summer salad. We had it today and will keep it as a regular on the menu now.

Blog brought to you by Nick Robert's Beat Surrender on listen again,  this week's a great alternative to Eurovision. Get ready for the World Cup by taking Keith Topping's World Cup Trivia . Till next Monday then!

 

They Killed the Quatro!!!! or Here Comes Eurovision

Last week I was in the grip of finale fever, tonight I'm quietly thinking of how to fill the massive gaping hole now created in my viewing schedule. I will dear reader, reveal the secret cave of wonders I'm off to later , and no it's not DAVE.

First things first...

They killed the Quatro! What I had been thinking was confirmed when Gene Hunt saw the report on himself. Of course , it made perfect sense and was all the more touching when Alex et al are tempted one last time by the Devil. DCI Jim Keats is played with such understated rage and frustration, he is the consummate controlled face of evil. Alex aka US, is hoyed from pillar to post, never quite sure what the truth is. But when we find out the truth , it hits us hard like a Rooney Pen. Yes they are all dead, it's purgatory, Gene Hunt is helping the souls of the dead move on. This would be plenty, but the writers were not done pealing the onion away, Gene is the burnt ( offering) officer, an earnest plod Telly Savalas wanabe, who was cut down before he ever got going. I have of course lit a candle for both Gene Hunt AND the Quatro. I wish him well with his new graduating class of dead officers. Will we see Gene Hunt pass over? Who knows? Part of me would love to see that limited run 4 part epic cherry on top of the cake. I doubt however the writers are interested in messing with a perfect ending. My hat is off to those who took the hard decision to end the programme on a high note.



Speaking of ending on high notes, the other much awaited finale, LOST, aired in the last 24 hours. How I wish JJ Abrahms had had the courage of his convictions , and told the network, NO it's a three year arc, I'm not stretching this to suit you. How does it end? See above, They're all dead Jim! What a let down, I knew this by the end of series 2. What's even worse is they went out of their way to deny this, going as far as calling people like me, crazy and delusional. The previous hard core of Trekies, Whovians and Ringers dropped Lost like a hot potato shortly after Charlie was drowned in a vicious waste of the only character I cared if he lived or died. Then the nail on the coffin was the frankly confusing couple of eps where it's clear only a few survived and are haunted by this, only to flash back to the Island. Joseph Conrad is easier to read. I never recovered enough from the extreme disappointment of the stretch to watch again. Good thing too, Ashes to Ashes did it better faster and with some respect for it's viewers.



Sadly the other finale had a paltry 700,000 viewers getting the answer to the great question. Just what is the village? Short answer is it's a higher plain of the mind where mental patients are sent to recover from serious disorders. The fact Number two and his wife number one are doing this entirely against their will is the point of number six's rebellion. No prison, no matter how well intentioned is anything but a prison. Idealists cannot and should not force a single vision of perfection on humanity, because they believe they hold the only official truth. As it turns out, it's not perfect is it? Number six must choose, liberate the people or find a better way and a new truth. Poor 313, the girl is a complete basket case, two is not a bastard after all and 313 is the lynch pin of the finale. How will six choose? I'm not telling you . The science is a bit dodgy,but I'll let it pass, it is science FICTION, not science fact. On the whole a good wrap up to a great limited series. Try and catch it from the beginning before ITV sends it to Belgium.

Luther chugs along like the creepy engine that could. Ruth Wilson who plays Alice Morgan has owned this role. Any other show would have taken such a role and made her tiring by now, but not Luther. I fully expect to see her helping solve crimes more often, ... for a price. Idris Elba's character is clearly addicted to Alice who is drawing him into her wonderland of strangeness. In the most unsettling , will they or won't they pairing, some of us are waiting for the morning they wake up naked , he is very afraid, she smiles.

Outnumbered has come and gone for another series. I assume the entire barking mad clan of suburbanites will be back for another go in a few months. Getting that much gold out two small person cannot be easy and I'd rather wait till they have more rather than squeeze the funniest children on television like a once too often used tea bag.

BGT, my not so secret addiction, continued it's stream of less then stellar acts wanting to entertain the Queen. Please somebody explain to me the fascination with street dance? Even Charlie Brooker agrees with me on this one. It was refreshing to see the cute children in costume , doing something that didn't resemble a mass epileptic fit. The Asian dance troupe was brilliant, sadly ITV chose to show only truncated clips.This despite the clearly good reception they had. The father & son Jackson Impressionists were spectacular and seem destined to join the long list of acts that will make a decent living in Benidorm or some other resort town for the next ten years. The lad signing Danny Boy was good, but I hate Danny Boy, ( had to sing it in choir as a child) Maybe he can do a nice version of Athenry. That boy belongs in an Anglican Church Choir where his voice will be cared for and trained. His parents should have had him in music school ages ago , not going on BGT months before his voice breaks. My new favourite act is now the doorman who channels Sinatra and Tony Bennet. As a registered not wrinkly above the age of JLS, I am relieved to see more than one style of music to get a shot. Amanda Holden, Piers morgan and the substitute twat Louis Walsh managed to get through this week without being too silly, perhaps it was Simon Cowell being away due to the flu.

Doctor Who was a part one of two at the week end. Typical formulaic ending when the doctor predicts a few huts and 30 villagers only to see the entire Silurian civilization in front of him. I will not criticize the ep as being thin on story or even ripping off Inferno. Though I could. I will instead state what I consider the obvious, It's a part one, take the time to develop the personas dramatis that will make you shout at the telly in despair and fear whilst hid behind a pile of pillows. Or so I'm told some of us may have done. Remember, don't Blink...Go for a pee before the show starts and take the phone off the hook. These things usually get going big style in the second half. Matt Smith for NUFC manager, he couldn't do worse than the last two.

I'm pleased to report that Graham Norton is back on track, He had on last Monday the leader of the Dorothy cult Andrew Lloyd Webber, Minnie Driver, and mad Welsh person Ruth Jones. Camp funny and websites....



You want more Camp? Eurovision is here. Three nights over a week of the annual Euro fest of bad taste and block voting. I know Our song is bad beyond redemption, nauseatingly embarrassing and bland all at the same time. I know It'll be mostly nul points to Britain and that the winner will almost assuredly be from the Eastern Block. Will this stop me from watching? Of course not. I'm rooting for France with the not Coup de Boule song and Greece's OPA! They embody all that is great and truly awful about Eurovision. Get your drag face on and load up on niblies, you will not be able to pull yourself away from this year's crop of songs.

Now at the top I promised you something. This in fact is for my mate Paul in South Shields who moaned to my wife..." There's nowt on telly!" . How wrong you are!!!!
The iPlayer is a veritable treasure trove of gold and addictive stuff you will almost assuredly have missed if you were watching telly during prime time. The problem starts when you go to the BBC or any of the other players out there and look for something you missed and needed to watch. I WAS looking for Rock Band and found the 90 minute gem Synth Britannia . No Devo, but the bands that were on were mint. Proof that the 80's were not a complete wasteland. Over at 4OD We watched all 13 eps of Chelmsford 123, did a Time team marathon, and I'm wallowing shamelessly in Shameless. ITV is not without it's own treasure chest Classic ITV. So next time you think the telly is devoid of choice, have a neb around the Players. I'll have a few suggestions from the iPlayer cave of wonders every week for you. In the mean time, dig out those Doctor Who Throughton tapes and DVDs.



This blog written to the sounds of Beat Surrender and Paddy MacDee on BBC radio Newcastle. Coming soon, proper links to Nick Roberts Radio Newcastle introduces ( 9 pm most nights)new local NE bands. Follow the links here to find Nick, Paddy, Alfie and our Keith Telly Topping. For more great blog experiences read The Lord Toppings top tips before they air here

See you next week , or sooner if Eurovision is sufficiently inspiring....Happy viewing, Good luck with those auditions Paul Carney, Check out Rock The Barn
for local live gigs.