Masterchef The Professionals 2010: And the winner is.....Plus Whites wraps up

You could look at the bottom or you already know, but if you didn't watch, you won't know just how bloody brilliant the 2nd half of the Final was. It started with the usual half time show where we learn the full names and the back stories of our chefs, You'd already know most of that if you read earlier today's blog. Did you know Claire is pregnant according to the local Liverpool paper? Well she is. So there, now the warm and fuzzy bit is over, all you need to take from that is that these three are devoted to the idea of cooking as a life's work.

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So the commentary booth disappears and the teams form up in the tunnel.....and our cookery gladiators walk out on the pitch. Surrounded by millions of watching on telly, David, Claire and John are told they are cooking for the annual gathering of the Michelin starred ones. 30 of the best chefs in Europe are all in one room, three of them are three star chefs. Put another way, if a bomb went off, the fine dining world of the UK and Europe would be devastated for at least 10 years. This now traditional gathering of the clan chiefs, is now ready to chew up and spit out our three amigos for the smallest misstep. How will they fare? The whistle blows and Michel reveals the three dishes on the menu for tonight.

David has the starter of salmon sashimi with crispy skin. A complex dish to prepare that tests a number of his problem areas and pushes his comfort levels with new ingredients and cooking styles.


Claire gets the main of Pan fried mullet with potato scales and asparagus created by Chef Paul Bocuse. This tricky dish has so many places where a ny number things can go wrong, only a truly talented and brave chef will take this one on for a crowd of 30 hungry Michelin starred chefs.



John, lastly closes the evening off with a dessert of assiette de framboise.... or plate of raspberries...You know none of this sounds the remotest bit posh to me as I speak, and read French like a native. But it does simply matters for me when I have to figure out the mangled form of a French word that has come down to us over decades or in some cases centuries. Like tweels for example... spelt tuiles or tiles. So John has to master his time issues and make sure the various creams set, biscuits don't burn and the like. I've done some of these , but not all of them at the same time... it takes a brave soul to tackle this and it's been chosen to see if John has learned anything or taken on board the advice given him.


And the ball is in play..... David forgets to scale his fish causing him to fall back and loose control early. He then forgets to remove the bloodline from the fish after recovering from his first mistake, not that it cost him much as he was picking up pace and calming down, he even had the wherewithal to do a test prawn  before he committed to an entire batch of potentially badly wrapped spaghetti pastry.

Claire was effortlessly handling the the bone pinning and other preparations, being the one who may well have shown David the example by doing a test mullet with too thick potato scales. 180 asparagi? asparguses? in the end were not a problem, but one or two may have not been completely cooked the satisfaction of a few of the gliterati. On the whole , she moved like George Best and dodged trouble like Thiery Henri at his best when he was at Arsenal.

South Shields John got a case of the Brambles and made a complete hash of the tuiles  needing to make a whole 2nd batch as the first was too thick and did not set then avoided na own goal by reducing by half the required amount of shortbreads from 60 to 30.  And as if the football analogy wasn't already playing in my head Michel Roux comes in and yells "One hour to kick off!" It was particularly nice to note the cooperation typical of Masterchef finalists during  service.

And so Masterchef FC leave their half and go on the attack. David principally but with the cooperation of fellow contestants  plates up his starter  and the servers stream out to see how well 30 Michelin starred chefs and a former Michelin guide director take to the food.......It's a blistering goal from midfield Wayne Rooney like. Good flavours, nicely seasoned, one chef said it was not as neat as it could have been. OOOOO so the food was good and it wasn't scruffy. Derek Brown formerly if the Michelin guide  says well done!

Next in was Claire and her main, well plated and well sauced,  her fish hits the Michelin crowd with a hard smack and despite the odd bit of Asparagus not being cooked to satisfaction, the plates come back empty. Resident Edinburgh special person, Tom Kitchin  speaks for the chefs when he tells Claire it's not an easy dish and "Well done , it's perfect"

Last few minutes and the dessert has to get out and John sends food from the basement to the main kitchen for assembly and he's not later. Despite a school boy error of not setting the biscuits with a bit of jam to the plate initially, John recovers. The finished product hat enters the dining room was worthy of the crowd in appearance and the only real complaint was that a few of the tuiles were  not as crisp as they could have been. The soufflé was  perfect  and again we had empty plates. The Michelin spokesman tells John "Most of the room were pleased they didn't have to make that dish as they themselves find it difficult.  Congratulations".

So with the the big game played and no obvious howlers, there's still little separating the three. Though as I said last night, this morning, Claire looked least faulty and most naturally talented of the three. Put this way, if  Top Gear were testing three great cars, a German one, an Italian one and an English one, they'd all be pretty good, but most of us would gladly go off in the most efficient one of the lot. In cooking terms, Claire had the efficiency and the pretty in one package. Only thing was, that the distance between her and David was so slim that all he needed was one brilliant  performance to zoom past her. What Claire needed to happen was that the other two would maintain form, which of course they did most predictably in the Michelin banquet.

It was down  to penalties with loads of chances for any or all of them to miss a shot. Greg and Michelle set them the task to create one final meal consisting of three spectacular dishes. Could David make that absolute stunner of a triple perfection, would John finally get all his ducks in a row and on time? Or would reliable cuddly and creative Claire nose them both out in the end?

John took the field first and presented his starter of lobster, mango and basil. He managed to make a bland avocado salad. His turbot celeriac with truffles was ever so slightly over it was still perfect followed by the chocolaty rich light and tasty pud that had his second miss of grainy ice cream. That's two misses if you're counting.

Claire produced an elegant  appealing  well cooked trout wit apple, even her mistake of allowing the apple to take away some of the flavour of the fish was delicious. Her main of wood pigeon, peas and spuds was "salivatory". Both Michel and Greg were reduced to guttural noises that spoke volumes about just how good her main was.Only dessert remained and Claire was ruthless here as well. White chocolate mouse with raspberries and thyme jelly. Greg's reaction summed it up.... "That's the sort of thing I would dip my head in mate". Not only did Claire convert every shot, she had humiliated the goal keeper. BTW, who else agrees with me that Greg Wallace is a closet splosher?

What could David do to counter this spectacular display? Mackerel tartar that looked clever  and tasted good, it left Michel wanting more. I need to point out that there is nothing original or clever about combining a pickle with raw fish, it's standard in Polish cuisine and you can buy jars of the stuff in any delicatessen, His main of Chicken morel pie was no ordinary chicken pie, it was de constructed. A real attempt to raise the game. Chef Michel was so impressed he said "I love when I see new things" Greg followed with more yummy noises as he ate his bit of the plate.  Nearly there David.  Just the dessert of hot chocolate mouse with rice crispy layer. Rich intense and outstanding craftsmanship, nearly there David... "Pity it has such a poor visual aspect"..... damn!  Oh well David you tried and nearly got there.

If we are to finish the football analogy, Claire was Germany, efficient and technically perfect and she was also Brazil, pretty and boastful and hard not to admire. John was England circa 2010 and David ? That brilliant African side that very nearly made it. In the end there could only be one winner. and that was Claire Lara.

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Recipes for all dishes prepared in theMasterchef Professionals series can be found using the link in Masterchef Tab

Alan Davies Whites, wrapped up series on right after Masterchef. In the 2nd of two parts in which Bib has decided to leave for a better life in Australia, Roland is listlessly trying too hire a new sous chef, his interview skills are comically bad and  he knows he's out of his depth.  On the night of the hotel talent show for staff, most everybody seems to be depressed or on the verge of succumbing to lust or maybe love. Problem is that the men are too clueless to notice.  In  two scenes that are telling of what it means to work that closely together with somebody, Roland confesses that his life is empty, the business has sucked him dry. And after much tentative tooing and froing, the two men declare their love for each other ( in a brotherly way) the way men admit they are best mates and they have a bond deeper than any mere beer induced camaraderie. These two business partners and friends come to realize on the one hand Roland sees Bib is a real friend and an asset, and on the other other hand, Bib realizes he really doesn't want his friendship to end that way. Even Skoose has his moment where he knows he's a twat and should be nicer. The subsequent moment of honesty when he's told he's not ready to be sous chef is all the more painful. There are some great sight gags, the elephant in the room and Caroline carrying the weight of the world much like Atlas. There is particular vulnerability about Caroline in fact this time. Even when she is playing with helium, it interferes with her moment to say goodbye to Bib. In the end Bib stays and all is ok, a happy ending of sorts. Just enough tension left for writers to pick up on in a 2nd series should it be commissioned, and if not? It answered just enough questions to make you feel less bad if they never make another episode of Whites. I hope of course for more, but only the adult sitcom boffins deep within the bowels of the BBC know what happens next.

Catch up the series while you can
Thank you BBC for a brilliant evenings telly, now if only every night could be this good.

Masterchef The Professionals: 8 become 3 and Alan Davies Whites hots up

Ohhhh it gets exciting now doesn't it cookery fans! Top quality chefs and top quality food, and the winner is .....US. I'll be doing a some research at the week end to add the best recipes over the current series to my Masterchef tab.

EDIT: Reviews for Finals week Part 1 and part 2 

And now without further delay, Masterchef professionals semi final week.

Monday, first we have to reduce 8 to 6, and that's done by doing a final invention test allowing 80 minutes for the remaining chefs to come up with something brilliant. Something that will raise the bar proove with certainty they are worthy of moving on . For this stage, Greg Wallace took a day off set, probably to have a conjugal visit with some long neglected dessert plate at home. In his place stepped in Monica Galetti with sufficient gravitas and striking terror into the faces of the contestants who had though they were through with her.


Geordie David presented next with his Roast chicken and Yorkshire pudding. The plate was arty in presentation and the chicken was butchered to allow three kinds of roasting. As the different styles were succesfull , the only thing that let down our boy was his Yorkshire pudding that was flat and listless. In the end, a lot of skill was on display and it tasted good.

Weepy Stacey did a duo of lamb with parsnip puree and beetroot. It was judged to be well seasoned and prety. However her beetroot was underdone and crunchy. As Polish man,I can tell it's not that hard to make properly sturdy but smooth beetroot.

French Ben prepared a char grilled rack of lamb, using a pressure cooker for some of the lamb. A risky move if it doesn't work, but as it happens ...some parts let him down with rare rack of lamb  but well done braised lamb.

Liverpool Claire cooked pan fried mackarel that was 99 out of a 100 for Michel Roux. A flawless dish of food that was both pretty and tasty.

John took the Provençal route of roast lamb with a ratatouille twist. Dull and without finesse, what it lacked in appearance, it made up for in taste with it's olive tapanada and finely cooked lamb. Monica  loved it.

 Matthew with his ballantine of chicken leg duck with hearts and other assorted goodies.He had so much going on that he ruined his food with too much sugar.

Lee's roast monk fish was perfect, tasty and good looking, I want some even now, but his ginger was a step too far.

Alice was last to go doing a lovely cod, frogs legs, and chirizo foam. A fun plate of food, I do hope she stops banging on about girl chefs, like she's still 12.

Even I knew who the two people with a one ticket home were.... Stacey with her crunchy beets and Matthew of the heavy sugar hand. At this level of the competition, there was no room for simple school boy errors like that. Stacey culd have saved herslf simply bu not plating the beets. But here are the ratings for the record.

1- Claire most complete
2- David showed most skill
3- Alice showed off her palette
4- John who made a flavour party

The rest were bottom feeding and they knew it. So much for Monday, let us move on to Tuesday and the first of two head to head battles between mostly top contenders.  Gregg btw is back from whatever food tryst he had on the day before.

Claire and Ben  had to go to Edinburgh and cook for Tom Kitchin, arguably one of the city's most demanding chefs, his restaurant The Kitchin exudes modern but serves the best traditional food. Ben had the seared scallops and asparagus three ways while Claire was charged with rump of lamb crisp potato and peas. The best way to sum up the experience is that Ben cried, Tom Kitchin stepped in and dressed his plate but not before he warned that any ruined scallops were coming out of Ben's pocket. On the whole Claire held her own and showed she belonged in that kitchen, while Ben was fraying at the edges and loosing his French cool.  After that, both had to reproduce Chef's bone marrow made three ways. A difficult job, especially if you've never worked with bone marrow. Ben produced  Michelin star seasoning on the first  then was ok followed by bland by the time he got to toast.   Claire followed the same route running out of bone marrow by the third dish.   

Step two was back at Master chef HQ, they had 90 minutes to showcase everything they had learned from the experience in Edinburgh. Ben John Dory with spinach with a dessert of fried banana and ice cream to Claire's goat cheese ravioli and Calf liver main  Each excelled at one thing but were let down by another, so the choice was hard in the end. Which to choose, gorgeous ice cream or  perfect goat cheese ravioli? Based on previous form, Claire going through was the right result.  But in the end , both were brilliant and are an asset to anybody who hires them.

Round two of the elimination rounds was Alice v John who travelled to the Whatley Manor's The Dinning room, with it's classic look and refined atmosphere. Here in contrast to the Victorian décor, the food is out there on the edges of strange. Little wonder the presiding lunatic in charge is Chef Martin Birch, a self confessed sufferer of OCD.  This madman is obseesed with perfection and pushing the envelope.

Young chef of the year Alice was charged with the roasted beef fillet and even got a food critic while poor John was saddled with pigeon loin that had to be laid on perfectly laid down lines of sauce. John who at the best of times has accuracy issues, was flustered beyond belief. TBH, I didn't see anything wrong with half the plates of lines Martin Birch rejected.  This escaped mental patient was a punishment no one deserved. But it gets better people, and by that I mean it gets worse, much worse. The recreation test shown  on Wednesday, called for a praline and chocolate soufflé. I very nearly wanted to murder this man  at this point....John's effort was qualified as Spot on, well cooked, tasty, excellent quinelling skills, presentation nice.....It was almost good enough to serve. I tell you there was no difference from what the chef expected and what he got, but somehow it wasn't good enough to serve! Just how much better did this maniac want things????? Poor Alice who had until then been enjoying her stay in the mad house, was told her soufflé was not high enough, undercooked and her quinnells were scruffy, truth be told , he was right.

Back at HQ, the battle continues with Alice conjuring fillet of beef and langoustine with a chocolate praline cake.While her main was well platerd  and tasted good the surf portion just didn't seem to impress Michel or Greg. Her pudding was considered too heavy and not poncy enough , Short of a disaster, John was going through on his Sea bass with fennel and warm ginger cake for pudding. The main had exquisite colours, great tasting with a wonderful dressing, well worth the wait of a few extra minutes. Again his dessert was colourful but heavy and the cake was dismissed as not being worthy of haute cuisine. Is it possible Chef Roux is not a cake fan? Most likely, my uncle lived in Paris for 25 years and was more into delicately stuffed tubes , and small multi-layered gateaux filled with creams and thin crispy dough. Milles feuilles, petits four, cornets, custard tartelettes  I need to stop now.... Where was I? Ah yes the winner... Alice was sent home leaving John to rejoin us in the finals coming up next week.

Heat three pitted Geordie David (wor lad he is) v Lee. I have to admit my bias here and now, sweaty nervous David is my favourite after Big lass Claire. Our chefs first needed to get to The Ledbury in Notting Hill, yes that Notting Hill... where seasonal cuisine chef Brett Graham rules the roost. I like the idea of Chef Graham but I'm not so sure about the actual plating of the food,which resembles something from an art museum and less food to be eaten and enjoyed with tongue. Don't get me wrong, presentation is terribly important, but I still want to feel that my main "was enough food". David was assigned the flamed grilled mackerel and Lee the new lamb and artichokes.  David shoke some but managed to get through the day without too much incident, as opposed to Lee who frankly cocked it up first serving raw meat then overdone meat. Clearly he let his nerves get him and he could not tell when when meat was medium. Now they had to recreate the house speciality green sad with parmesan custard, truffles and pheasant egg. This warm salad looked lush and if I could afford the ingredients I'd make it. David made what was called a natural looking salad which was perfectly cooked.... simple and too the point.  Lee presented nicely as well , and his salad was cooked perfectly. but failed to shell the egg. Not much separated these two on the test but the clear winner on the day was David with fewer mistakes during service, while cooking an admittedly incredibly complex dish that could have gone wrong at a number of points.

HQ time and David created scallops on potato pancakes, then pork loin wrapped in Parma ham, braised pig cheeks on mash with a tofee apple that Greg was afraid would not work, and Lee did pan fried mullet in saffron and garlic puree and lime posset for desert. Reaction to Lee, was that it was well cooked but overpowered by wild garlic ( I love garlic, so I would not have complained) His lime posset was fine dining exemplified with Greg in hog heaven grunting in a corner. David's starter of pork loin was fine dining and made Greg giddy happy, it was so good he compared it to a plate of presents.  On the back of the full evidence, our boy was chosen over Lee who had the good  sense to say he was chuffed to have got that far. Now if only we can do the same to the Mackems in the derby, I'll be over the moon!

So we have Claire, John and David in the finals next week. If I had to choose on the strength of only what we know now, I'd be giving the prize to Claire right now, but as we know, championships are won and lost on the oddest of things. Like football, cookery is a funny old game.

Is fine dining still relevant? Now I don't want to sound like I'm biting the hand that feeds me so to speak,  but  fine dining does seem to take the piss sometimes. Does food always have to be so plated that you cannot imagine that the chef  was ever thinking of your stomach or without thinking he had an eye on your wallet and just how much he was going to lighten it by. The loony in Edinburgh and even The Ledbury lead me to question if  they are worth the high price tags. Clearly they are places to be seen in and not so much about the food itself. I'm not impressed by foams  or perfect lines of miniature scallops shaped like eyes on a bed of cat sick. I love food, to eat it, to taste it , to have my fill. If eyes were the only sense needing satisfaction, a picture of a steaming cup of tea  would suffice. If I'm going to give up that much money for food, It had better be more than just bizzaro art on a plate.

And now for the digestif. Alan Davies and Whites, is now one ep away from closing it's current run on the BBC. If we are to judge based solely on the quality of the programme, it will be renewed, but if we just trust the ratings, it could be in trouble. I suppose playing it earlier than half eleven could help, so perhaps the ratings won't be such an drag on the recommissioning. Regardless, barring the sperm episode which was weak, Whites had gone from strength to strength. In this fifth ep, we are in part one of two in which the conflict between Bib (Darren Boyd) and Skoose (Steven Wight) is but a provocation that leads to all out war with Rolland. Without giving it all away, Rolland, who has never been the sensitive kind and rarely shown any generosity towards rivals real or imagined, truly gets up Bib's nose this time. Rolland is invited on Sunday Chef, the thinly disguised Saturday Kitchen, when somebody gets hurt in an toy helicopter incident. Should he take Bib or mental midget Scoose? Who will make him look better? Scoose of course, this leaves Bib free to run the kitchen as the head chef for the day... Should he be flattered by the offer to move to Oz that results??? Should he show loyalty to his alleged friend Rolland?  His determination and judgement are strongly tested and he decides to set up a finale worthy of Doctor who.  Speaking of Doctor Who, Kiki does a brilliant imitation of the Who theme, I will get the youtube clip if it exists. Now even if you knew how it turns out, the point of a good comedy is to also have a strong supporting cast with lovely little gems scattered throughout the script. Besides the Kiki Who hum, we get some great lines like "Why don't you just get naked and wrestle" or the vanity of the "it's not purple it's foxglove" when Rolland dresses like a clown to be on Sunday Chef. Here's a scary thought, if Kiki and Scoose had children, how stupid would they be?

Enjoy the week end and don't eat any undercooked liver !

Masterchef Professionals Week 4 and Alan Davies Whites bounce back

Another week, another group of hopefuls wanting to be the best of the best SIR! But unlike last week , this lot seemed to know what they were doing. Just when I though they had run out of candidates worthy of the competition, BBC Masterchef Professionals recruiters redeemed themselves.  Week 5 review now up

Week 4 started like all others, and that means yet another useful summary for those of us who are beyond the naked chef. Monica Galetti prepared an Italian meringue with hot sugar syrup.  At it's core not the most complex thing, but you can go wrong if you don't watch your temps, 120 degrees btw, or add your syrup too quickly. So how did the the next intake do?  Ambitious Alice tried hard  but  her meringue collapsed despite producing some good flavours. Confident Andrew made a perfect tasty, technically good plate. Amar, for whom food is life, was confused and made a French meringue instead and forgot to put enough on the plate call it a meringue.  Lastly Chippy Spencer surprised with a good presentation  but did not measure the temps and ruined his end product. This error cost him and he exited without much debate.

Chef Roux then asked the remaining chefs to make Bar au fenouil en papillote, or Stuffed Sea Bass. As it happens, this technically demanding dish is just the sort of thing non pros like ourselves should try at home. There is a series of skills, that if mastered even a bit, will make us far better cooks than most things we see this week. Incidentally, my cash and carry is having a special on Sea Bass, so guess what's for supper at ours in the next few days. First up was Amar who plated a poor untidy mess that had bones still in. He tried to blame his tools, but was caught up by Chef Roux. Andrew next made a near perfect plate of food but sliced his stuffing instead of chopping it. Despite this error, it was still tasty and looked professional. Poor Alice  had to save her fish as she had opened the fish from the belly instead of the top nearest the spine. While her fish was cooked to perfection and well wrapped in paper, she did leave in some scales and bones. Choosing inventiveness in error fixing and recognizing that Amar was perhaps the less skilled cook, Alice and Andrew survived the Sea Bass test.

Another day another four and today we had Fillet of John Dory. I've had fun with this fish myself, and I can tell you it's not the easiest fish to fillet. you have to watch for the bump ,work slowly and unpin the fillet. Monica removed the skin and  seasoned her fillets with a bit of salt and pepper.  Yet again on the surface not difficult, but you'd be wrong in thinking that these chefs coming on Masterchef are all highly skilled like her.  Henry did a good job of filleting and mad a skin on fillet. Very tasty but could had got the skin crispy. Neil of the Scot fishing village acquitted himself well by do a pristine job of filleting and cooking a crispy skin John Dory. Kate, the latest in a string of women to have a hard time on the programme, butchered the fish, made it  too salty and too ,lemony, ruining a beautiful fish and upsetting Monica. Lastly Christopher the head chef and captain's private chef on the Arc Royal, left bones in undercooked it the fish and was rushed. On the strength of his later work, he should of been spared the embarrassment and sent home with catastrophic Kate.

On to Chef Roux who showed us Cabri roti a la Provençale. or Roast Goat and Garlic flan. The flan itself had to be the coolest thing here. This is a recipe that will find it's way into our Sunday dinners as often as I can justify it. Remember to remove the the green stem in the garlic bulb to have only the lovely sweet taste of garlic in your flan. As for the goat, the secret is to take the membrane or parchment off the goat before you roast it. I wasn't expecting miracles and the meat was as challenging as were told. Henri made a scruffy looking  well flavoured goat, Sadly it was to fatty, badly butchered and he left the parchment on. Royal Navy Christopher did an elegant but not ON THE BONE dish that was chewy, lacking sauce  but had subtle flavours that were indeed good. Lastly Neil was nice but  piled the plate with too much food, left the parchment on  and forgot the garlic flan. For crimes against butchery, Henri was sent packing.

For those of you too delicate to eat raw meat, turn away now. Monica prepares Steak Tartar with poached egg. What you need to understand about raw meat, is that it won't kill you! Not unless your purveyor of meat has been selling you bad meat all along. If you trust your butcher, as I do, then you can make this without any fear. If you are reading this in the United States, doubly insure you are getting good quality fresh meat that hasn't been reared on chemicals. Having said that, Steak Tartar is a dawdle as you'll see from Monica's demonstration. The poached egg is easy as well , but remember the white wine vinegar in your hot water and  to trim the edges of the finished egg if you are looking for elegant presentation.  Nearly forgot, much to my amusement, Monica's secret ingredient for her steak tartar is ketchup! Right so how did the plebs do?  Devon James looked good for a first ever attempt, tasty but lacking seasoning. Fraser was odd in as much as he assembled all the elements but didn't mix them??? Welsh John another Tartar virgin, did a good presentation with a nice egg but didn't finely chop his meat and missed the tobasco.  Lastly Matthew who has Michelin star experience, made a near perfect tartar but had a srcufy egg. You guessed right if you said Fraser was gone.

Not to be outdone in audacity, Chef Roux asked the chefs to make a Panier Nougatine with Chantilly Cream encased in spun sugar. This task was about showing off, pushing the envelope  of the visual while keeping to the required elements. A thin nougatine, tasty light cream and a flavourful fruit coolie. My wife again has made this in parts all except for the spun sugar.  Our survivors did not disappoint. Matthew created a playground of treasure, that was stunning, just short of brilliant. Greg was having a meltdown on screen and looked like he wanted to be left alone with the plate. Nervous John made an elegant spun sugar cage, was a bit too un generous with the coolie but if Greg was happy with the first  plate , this one was going home with him. Sadly James made his basket in a cone and it was too thick, too simple too ordinary. He had no chance compared to the previous efforts and was going home.

It's Wednesday night and time for the quarter final! I know last week I said it was the last one, but what do I know? In the invention test Lamb and Quail featured in most of the dishes. Alice showed no real skills but produced a tasty plate of food. John's lamb rump was overcooked, chewy and he put in useless foam when he promised the lamb would "speak for itself" . Matthew made confit quail that looked like cat sick on a plate but tasted much better . Christopher who had been scrapping through so far  put 5 peas on a plate of dull quail with celeriac mash....yawn  Andrew made more quail but this was special, if not well cooked it looked like it belonged in the Baltic. It was interesting to say the least, looked like a vagina topped with a flower to me, Greg said it it could compete for the Turner prize. Neil's Rabbit looked nice but was ruined by the grit from the langoustine that hadn't been de veined.

Having dropped John and Christopher, the remaining chefs now faced the critics. Neil's Sheppard pie and lamb were awful. The Lamb in particular achieved the rare distinction of having  a raw, overcooked and perfect piece of meat on the plate?! Alice made Salmon with clams, which frankly looked like too much food and far to much faffing about on the plate, there was so little  broth, a critic said "It's a sneeze". Her pudding was an audition displaying at least four different difficult skills, she was proving a point and succeeded. Matthew and his golden raisin fish in beurre blanc was a triumph in simplicity and flavour along with his lamb peas and new tatties.  Lastly Andrew rounded out the field with good looking lamb so raw inside it inspired the funniest comment of the night. "If you had a defibrillator you could get this animal going again". His chocolate fondant was overcooked stodge and his cherries in caramel  were rock hard. Andrew deserved to get cut and was joined by Neil out the door.
Catch up the entire series here.

Alan Davies Whites on the BBC, bounced back nicely from a limp outing last week. This week's ep features Rolland getting through a health inspection when he finds out his old mate the old inspector has been replaced by a prickly officious Ms of a lady who is determined to stay unblemished by any ounce of sympathy or even slight bending of the rules. This incorruptible walking rule book spots 16 violations, 5 of which are serious. That the resolution to the whole thing revolves around Rolland unscrupulously pretending to have a relative suffering from Parkinsons like Caroline's father, is doubly funny when you realize  it's also Katherine Parkinson's last name. When the health inspector delivers the line "You stay brave", it's done so well you hardly expect it. I spent most of that 5 minute stretch watching sideways it was so awkward. The solid performances given by Scoose and Bib all the while, plus the gormless Kiki as fire marshal were the icing sugar on the cake. When the pig carcass was delivered in front of the the health inspector was particularly funny, even owner Celia gets a shot in early.  A great outing by the cast and writers both. I know many of you have been wondering what the theme song to Whites is?

 Most asked question about Whites on the tinternet..."What is the music at the end of whites with alan davies?. Well I've been doing some digging and found the name of the song, the name of the singer AND a you tube clip! So enjoy the live version of "Song for the Dead" by Alexander Wolfe right here on youtube. Next week Bib is tempted by a job offer in Oz while Rolland and Scoose play telly chef. I'll  be watching that.

Masterchef Professionals Week 3: Last of the Quarter finals

Apologies right off the top for not getting this out sooner, but all things being equal, I just didn't have the time to sit down and do the writing and photo captures. If I'm honest, I have a few more reviews tucked away in my notebooks gagging to get out before the new week gets under way in earnest.

Monday last, we started off the week with the first of three Monica skill tests. French trim rack of lamb  this time and I'm shocked to report that Gregg Wallace felt obliged to tell us what de-glaze meant. Honestly Gregg, If we don't know de-glaze by now, we shouldn't be watching. That said you'd think the same applied to the working chefs applying to Masterchef. Fat Simon did us a scrummy rack of lamb while Piotr (I was writing in Polish I swear, during his bit) served up surowe/raw slightly sealed meat. Lee was the best with a tasty looking well presented plate of food, while Amie plopped some scruffy inedible rubbish on her plate, then wept. Suffice to say that besides the much appreciated lesson in rack of lamb, the choice of who to send through was dead easy, though why Amie was passed is a mystery as we shall see in the Michel Roux test. Perhaps it was a sign of weakness to come throughout the week?

Michel Roux took our three hopefuls and  asked them to make a muscle soup.Invented by Maxime's in the 1930's, this is a soup even I could make with a bit of effort, I would hope trained chefs would breeze through this task. Lee presented a highly attractive plate but failed to put any wine in the preparation, sadly it was an essential element. Simon then used too much wine and made well presented thin but tasty soup. Weepy Amie didn't even use her broth and made a complete hash of things. The looks on both Greg and Michel's faces were enough for her to know she wasn't going any further. I sincerely wonder why Monica and Greg felt compelled to let her continue. Was it the producers? More on this later.

If it's Tuesday then it means Monica Galetti is teaching us another tasty dish of food and testing four new sacrificial lambs. Scallops in beurre blanc, I was already getting hungry thinking about it, and yes , Greg will have all the sauce you can spare. My now dearly departed ex Father in law used to do incredible things with scallops, so I expected great things from this lot. Unlike Monica, Jason made a messy dish showing equally bad technique, even though he knew how to make the very thing asked of him, hardly inspired cooking.  Nervous James was confused and totally out of his depth. His plate of food was so  bad it wasn't tasted.  Garry who showed promise, presented well and produced the best tasting dish of the lot, closely followed by two rosettes Dan . For the crime of wasting scallops and trying to poison the judges, James was sent home. I have made a gallery of the top googly eyes Monica made in this segment, as they are legend.

This had to be my favourite part of the evening, Michel Roux showed us sesame crisps with tipsy cream and grapes soaked in grapa. I remember a wedding I went to where I only drank grapa, I love my brain cells so I won't do it again in that great a quantity, but ohhh what a drink.  We already know how to make the crisps and the cream so I just need to peel some grapes and soak them.  I'm sorry, I'm getting carried way now. So how did the survivors of the scallop test do? Keep in mind that this pudding is an adult feast of the senses, a mature over 18 full on orgy for the taste buds. Dan  started well enough with a scruffy but unctuous plate of sin gladly eaten up by pudding boy and appreciated by Michel Roux. Garry went the opposite, great presentation but the sesame was too limp and the boozy cream was too weak and child like. Jason even had time to play with spun sugar but also disappointed with thick sesame, bad cream, hacked grapes and not enough booze. Sometimes the family friendly cooking has to be attacked for what it is, a dumbing down of even chef's levels of skill and bravery in cooking for adults, or is it he adults who've forgotten how to be adults? Either way, Garry was cut and the world continued to spin without incident.

Back to Monica and possibly the bravest, unique, different, request I've ever seen on a cookery programme, 10 minute soufflé with caramel sauce ! Yes you heard me, and Monica was up to the task. Having seen it done I can honestly say, well of course. But we all knew this was a disaster in the making. First up was Stacey who made a heavy undercooked soufflé that wasn't safe to eat, but the caramel sauce was ace. Sam the hobbit, seems to have gone to the same school. But Daniel who also attended, didn't graduate as he burned his caramel sauce and had the nerve to serve it despite the billows of black smoke emanating from his pot, and his soufflé was inedible of course. Gregor from Scotland, ( I know you expected a Hungarian accent didn't you?) was the worst of the lot not getting a sauce and ruining his soufflé. So here is where I get a bit angry. for the first time in the series the producers are faced with not two, not three, but four rancid awful inept poisoners unworthy of putting on an apron. And yet, AND YET! They put through Stacey, Sam and even sugar burning Daniel. I could see the thinly disguised, "this was not my choice to let you through" look, when Monica gave them a bollocking and suggested they raise their game. Alex Ferguson would have given them the hair dryer treatment and sent them packing. This was the one group of contestants too far, as we then saw in the next test.

Poor Chef Roux, what was he thinking when he thought these losers could do anything with Blanquette de Volaille? In all  honesty, it should have been 15 minutes of dead air or a maybe a summary of the chefs that had made it this far and would compete in the semi final round. I would even have accepted that they do a behind the scenes thingy to fill the space that was instead occupied by the farce that followed. They were all bad, none of them knew how to cook pillaf rice, with only two managing a semi decent sauce. The less said the better, except to inform that Daniel and Stacey were for reasons not known to us, allowed to progress. regardless of how they fared later on, they should never have gotten as far as they did.

And so with great trepidation and squeamishness we move on to Wednesday and the last quarter final.

The invention test pitted 6 chefs who tried to out weird us with increasingly bizarre combinations. Simon's venison was badly sliced and underdone, his beets gritty, in short, BAD.  Stacey shocked the judges with some decent food and made celeriac mash with vanilla  somehow work. Dan's quail  was well cooked, tasted fine but needed to be off the bone for high priced clients who also would not tolerate unpeeled tatties. I don't see the problem myself, but hey if you're paying 35£ a plate, I suppose you would expect no peels. Lee made an elegant skilful rabbit with TWO sauces, but was accused of putting too many flavours on the plate. Dan (the 2nd) dumped a lot of rare lamb onto a plate and lastly Jason made a ghastly tasting combination of Quail  on chocolate cake. Greg told him " You may be a genius, but you are ahead of MY time ".   In the end Simon and Jason were cut loose, even though one of the Dan's was surely also considered for the chop. Yet again I smell the hand of the producers.


The critics hurdle was the usual combination of bravery, originality and "hey look at me" menus. First up was Daniel with his Lamb curry and cabbage. His puree was cold and th sauce not curried. For pudding he made a stodgy looking school dinners Cinamon sponge on a bed of pear purée. On the whole not good and cost him dearly. Stacey was back with more meat. This time beef mushy peas and vanilla mash. It was daring once , but twice it's silly. Her dessert was fine I suppose, but she had to redo her tuiles and cried. I know she's 21 and punching far higher than her ( pardon the pun ) weight, but it's no reason to cry. She should consider herself lucky to not have been sent home during the soufflé disaster. Lee cooked inspired venison with spinach and pancetta, followed buy a tarte tatin that had an innovative filo crust and star anis ice cream. I'm no fan of licorice , but I would have tried that.  Lastly Daniel the 2nd made confit of salmon that looked pretty but was not seasoned and turned out too raw. His main of spring lamb on mash was embarrassing.  You have to see it to believe it. Imagine three piles of slightly green turd on your plate with some meat next to it. Besides being tasteless like all his cooking, it was comedy plating not worthy of cooking at this level. Having had to choose somebody, both Daniels were dropped with Stacey and Lee now the last entries intp the semifinals.

I have to say, that aside from some cracking recipes, week three was weak and a bit forced. It wasn't the only thing weak and forced, Whites also aired in the week of the Chilean miners. I'd like to tell you it was brilliant, but the two anchor stories in the ep were so un-engaging that despite decent writing I cannot in all honesty recommend you devote a half hour to this wank and fast car inspired ep. Even Scoose being a complete twonk was wasted. Though if you must watch it, look out for the Aslan fusion jokes, they are nerdtastic.  Next ep promises to be a cracker, the health inspector visits and threatens to close the place down. Plenty of drama and comedic potential I think.

Happy cooking people, and here's hoping the semi finals will be as exciting as the chock full of promise participants list seems to be. As always, you can catch up any and all episodes Masterchef: The professionals you might have missed on the iPlayer right here.

BBC's Whites skewers Heston and Ideal ends series 6

This weeks episode of  BBC2 programme Whites saw Alan Davies dive deeper into the tortured soul of Marco Pierre, I mean Roland White. The program opens with Caroline (Kathrine Parkinson) taking the mick out of chef for a dull predictable menu, but only after she draws Rolland out by pretending to change her bra. It doesn't help that Bib has already suggested spiny crab amongst other more adventurous fare. "Oh look, here comes Rolandosuarus with his boring food" .  Bib is entranced by thinly disguised celeb chef du jour Shay Marshal. As the story advances we find out Shay has to make chocolate bullets that really fire but don't harm anybody. So it's Heston Blumenthal and the frankenfood jokes keep coming from Jellied Eels the Shay way to something with gold leaf on it. Bib's desire to punch up the menu would go unfulfilled except Shay Marshall decides to drop in for a bite and sleep the night. Armed with sudden fear of being upstaged, Rolland allows Bib a shot at that night's service.  All goes well until Rolland takes charge of the celebrity chef's personal crab salad. You can see the disaster train coming from a mile away, but when it comes, it's still worth the wait. They say revenge is a plate best served cold, unless of course your victim was going to apologize all along. 

Some of the highlights include a brilliant exercise in futility between Bib and the thick as a brick waitress Kiki. They discuss at length the importance of Michelin stars, in what could only be described as G-d speaking to an ant about existential art. How this woman keeps her job is a mystery, perhaps one day we'll find she's Rolland's cousin and he was guilted into giving her a job by his Mam. Great  line of the night belongs to Rolland when he reacts to Bib's menu suggestion when he says "It's a menu? I thought it was a wizard's shopping list". Scoose gets a few shots in , but remains only a slightly annoying buzzing thing to be squashed.

If until now we had only seen Roland as a tired chef who might have got a bit lazy, tonight we saw the uglier side of him.  He is in fact deeply angry and resentful at Shay for something despicable he'd done years earlier. A normal person would not allow this to so completely warp one, but Roland forgets decorum, common sense, his own well being and the need to respect his own staff. The episodes finale is both well done and dark. Nice to see Matt King explore the darker aspects of the chef personality. Night Court and Fawlty Towers both did that with great effect. WARNING: There is vomiting, or maybe I'm lying.

Next week Scoose gets his chance at running the kitchen. Keep in mind sods law, the bigger the bell end the harder the fall, as we witnessed on Masterchef with super ego Kevin. BTW can anybody tell me who plays the excellent music at the start of Whites?

I must congratulate the scheduling boffins at the BBC for placing Whites right after Masterchef The Professionals. It makes sense, but that hasn't stopped loads of TV people from doing the exact opposite,  has it? Having Masterchef as the lead in is inspired genius, I only hope once Masterchef finishes, the BBC find a suitable replacement cookery programme to place before it. I strongly recommend you watch Behind the scenes with Matt King and of course there's more like this on the behind the scenes page at the BBC.

Sadly, Ideal on BBC3 had it's last episode for Series 6.  In it we see the rescue of Mos's father from the Low Clan. Filled with the usual insanity and surrealism, the cast deliver a finale worthy of Ashes to Ashes or Doctor Who. Hyperbole you say?   Hardly; after the successful rescue and arrests that followed, we are told that Mos will be alone after all next series. Yes I said next series. You don't think after that ending they'll leave us hanging? Johnny Vegas and company have to come back! We want to see what happens to Plastic Face, Cartoon Head's son, we want to know if Tilly the asexual lesbian will one day become bi-curious, we want to know if Mrs. low ever paid for her hedge trimmer.

Best line of the evening was Mos's reaction to the ransom drop instructions... "Chuck 30 grand in the bin? I'm not the Arts Council.", but only by a nose. The exchange between Mrs Low and her son about how and where to do the drop is something straight out of Python. The fancy dress party v the posh party at Tillies was every dull pretentious soiree I ever attended, contrasted by the most expensive collection of stand out costumes in one room not attended by Elton John. The maddest fancy dress  bit was the attempt to win back Psycho Paul at gun point, I can't remember the line but it left me stunned and amused. Catch up the series before it goes in the vault and you have to wait to buy the box set in a year like.

Tiny little nugget of news that floored me and left us wondering if any of my heroes or heroines are for real. The actress who plays Betty Driver off Coronation Street, Betty of Betty's Hot Pot.....doesn't even cook, and worse........She's a vegetarian. When will it end? Next they'll tell me Elton John is straight and lip synchs....

BBC 2 Whites, Alan Davies cooks up the laughs and Masterchef Pro

It was bound to happen, eventually they would commission a comedy about a restaurant that has more than just a passing resemblance to every kitchen we've seen in the last 5 years in cookery programmes from Masterchef to Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. As a bona fide cookery porn addict I was dead chuffed at the prospect of a show that recognizes that I am an important demographic.

Whites premier episode did not disappoint. It had in it two of my favourite people in the world, Alan Davies and the delectable as well as indispensable actress, Katherine Parkinson. The rest of the cast is rounded out by some well cast character actors who make the kitchen come to life. There is the inept Asian who cannot move without dropping things, the near pleading sous chef who spends most of the ep begging Chef Roland White for help during a gruelling service. He of course eventually gets it in the form of an overly ambitious little shit who will do anything he can to undermine his authority in the kitchen. Katherine Parkinson ( front of house) and the old dear who owns the haute cuisine eatery also compete with the sous chef for Alan Davies time.

Is Rolland White, Marco Pierre White? You tell me. Next week we are promised a new visiting celeb chef named Shay who is more than likely a combination of mostly Jamie Oliver and a few other people for extra seasoning. The cooking jokes are fine and the action moves in a natural rhythm that I recognize as a proper restaurant. It's not the IT Crowd or BBC3's Ideal, but then it's not supposed to be. It's a sitcom about a professional kitchen. I'm not sure what the ratings will be like long term, but I will be watching as long as they keep making them. Whites is made for the cookery crowd and thank you BBC for that. I get the jokes, I like the characters and I find the situations realistic as well as engaging. Alan Davies can speak and pretend to run the pass as well as any actual chef. According to my wife, who waited tables for a time, the ditzy waitress and some of the characters in the kitchen are so spot on it's spooky. Assuming he wants to, Davies can ride this one as long as he wants to. I suspect the audience for this is bigger than the legion of cookery nerds like me. I can see this being sold overseas to mainstream networks as well as cookery stations.Would I eat there? Yes of course, the food looks tasty, well presented and the kitchen is cleaner than the horror stories we've encountered on another network


Does Whites work as comedy if you ignore the fact it's about a restaurant? I like to think so, the chemistry between Parkinson and Davies as well as Davies and his sous chef  sparkles. The tension between the sous chef and his new mortal enemy is equally engaging. The comedy resides mostly in the sometimes exaggerated pomposity of celebrity chefs and real kitchen politics as a force that are well exploited by the writers. Even when you know a gag is coming, it still works, that is the sign of a well crafted bit of television.Whites seems destined to be part of our viewing menu for several series to come.In case you're wondering who plays the music in the Whites credits....look here as I've found the answer, even have the youtube link to listen.

On the same night we enjoyed Whites, Masterchef: The  Professionals was back for an hour this time. I was like a child in a sweet shop. If you add the previous night's 30 minute premier episode, we got to see 5 different recipes considered hard enough to test a pro. Except for the fried livers, I would have eaten every single dish from beginning to end. My personal favourite was the all sea food Sole and shrimp plate followed by the simple but tasty wild mushrooms with the chocolate tart for pudding. I promise to track down the recipes and post as many of them as I can here in later edits, but for now there is nothing online at the BBC food section connected to the programme.

Of the contestants so far, I think a few are capable of going all the way to the final, but we have the rest of the week to get through so I won't be choosing my picks to win just yet. The French born Thiery Henry look alike is promising though. I was a bit disappointed in the calibre of some of the hopefuls. Some  of them couldn't even truss a chicken or clean mushrooms properly. As always the two things that will get us to the final are presentation and palette. The judging panel of Michel Roux Jr and Gregg Wallace are joined by Michel's trusted sous chef Monica Galetti to grill and steam ( pardon the pun) alleged seasoned professionals. One of the best of the bunch was so unnerved his hands shook and the private cook to a "famous family" was just plain awful, having tried to poison Chef Galetti with her badly prepared gritty partly raw mushrooms.  I don't suppose she cooks for any noble house what with her bland seasoning and crust as underdone as what she attempted to serve Mr Pudding. I hate to imagine an army of  poisoners of Dibley lurking in posh kitchens all over the land, just waiting to kill us. I prefer to think that most of the chefs out there, genuinely do know what they are doing, but judging from the examples so far, there is nothing like years of practice to get it right. The contestants having cooked the least amount of time, even with the best raw talent, were not ready for this ordeal. Follow up ep blogged about here with appropriate hunger inducing language...

In the coming weeks, both Whites and Masterchef: The Professionals will  entertain and get the saliva going. It is my fervent hope to try most of the recipes AND not balloon into an immense fat freak. So I best get those nightly runs in. Remember, laughter is food for the soul and great food is one of the things that  make life worth living. If you can combine both, you have truly arrived in Heaven.