Just one more cup of tea, then I'll start

Sometimes it's just really hard to get going, so far I've made several cups of  tea, had a bath, watched the news, eaten two bowls of corn flakes and googled online eps of The Nanny.   In fairness I am recovering from the month of August during which both my wife and I hardly had a break from making home made noodles for local Muslims during Ramadan. It takes a lot  of time and energy to make 4 or 5 kilos overnight, leaving you knackered and craving your bed till at least noon or 2 in the afternoon. Multiply this 15 to 20 times over 30 days and you begin to realize just how drained the batteries are.

The last time I felt sufficiently moved to rise out of the noodle induced stupor, I wrote a scathing indictment of all that is wrong with Miracle Day, the latest and possibly worst, longest and most pointless Torchwood offering. Since then I've come close to commenting on Libyan affairs twice, reviewing Doctor Who, wondering aloud if Sci Fi as we knew it even 10 years ago has changed beyond all recognition.  I even had considered writing about the current series of The Great British Bake off.

But I never got any closer than several pots of tea, cleaning my desk twice, preparing several epic meals, going for walks and throwing dirty laundry into baskets. At one point I had even tidied the rubbish bins and reorganized the pantry.  So why the block I wondered, what was keeping me from writing again. Well I could discount the tired to some extent, as in fact I had at least since the last week of August, gone back to watching quality and sometimes less edifying telly. We had a Shameless marathon that took us from the first time Frank Gallagher graced our screens to the rise of the Maguires as the defenders of Chatsworth. Estate. As I said before, I even watched Miracle Day for a bit till it made me want to poke my eyes out of boredom and frustration. In between all of that, were great films on BBC and C4, Outnumbered came back and of course The Rob Brydon Show till just this week brought a gleam of hope to the usually dreary world of chat shows. And if that wasn't enough, we haven't missed a Doctor Who, Top Gear or the footie, such as it was.

"8-2 Brute?" Julius Caesar

I say such as it was, but Man U spanking Arsenal comprehensively 8-2 is the sort of  match you don't soon forget, regardless who you support. To quote a mate of mine ( Keith Telly Topping ok). He'd rather see Northern scum beat Southern scum if it comes down to choosing. but I still had to feel just a bit sorry for the Gunners. The worst result in 116 years, having the rot so plainly show, I suspect even Alex Ferguson thought that there had to be a point where honour was satisfied and the ref could have blown the whistle. I reckon somewhere 10 minutes after the restart would have been the point when the coup de grace would have been appreciated by the North London daycare side that Wenger fielded. Even now I'm looking forward to the England Wales qualifier later today, having missed the disgusting behaviour during the Bulgaria match. In case you're wondering  how I could have passed up such an interesting fixture? I could tell you it sounded boring and that I had better things to do, but the truth is I fell asleep on the setee and missed the entire day.

So I hear some of you wondering out loud how it is I wasn't able to rise even once since my Torchie review despite being thrown a bone when forced to watch 5 minutes of the latest candidate for worst UK game show ever ( Thanks again  Mr Topping) ... EPIC WIN. This exercise in annoying made Don't scare the hare, ....ermmm look less shit than it actually is. I watched a butcher identify meat with his feet. Seems all games and game shows at the BBC now need to rhyme. Surely this would of been just the thing that the doctor ordered to break the writing duck, but no, I wasn't moved, not even after seeing the host call on the pop up co-compare in a white suit make insipid jokes and be so embarrassing that small children would think they were at a particularly bad panto.

I can only assume that my biggest stumbling block was the fear that once started, I'd have to dive back in to another season of Srictly reviews and pretend to care what happens to talentless charvs and hapless chef wana be's who's big talent is stacking chips in the shape of a log cabin. Is that really all there is??? I sincerely hope not. While I can always turn to Dave, Yesterday  or even ( GASP) ITV 4 for old Sweeneys, I despair of the state of British telly when the best on offer is Top Gear, Doctor Who, Sherlock and a few decent crime dramas and maybe the occasional comedy. This Summer was supposed to be full of great filler  to while away the long hot  mystery months when there is no football. Instead we got a few half hearted efforts from BBC4 that placated the more intellectual among us, but below the medulla oblongatta, where Ideal, The IT crowd or Big Brother for Posh people ( Apprentice), live, there was a gaping hole of repeats and uninspired "hilarious" programmes from the same minds that gave us the truly awful Big Top.

I will freely admit to being addicted to the Libyan revolution and the news stations that one has to watch to be up to date with it. Big winner here is Al Jazeera English. A  brilliant station that has kept me abreast of important things like cricket, football and  English looters while also and importantly, providing me with obsessively detailed reports on battles, diplomatic moves and now the reconstruction of the new Libya. I'm sure the BBC has had much the same thing, but Al Jazeera was all too often too hard to turn off long enough to find out. Kudos to Sky News for having the first live pictures out of the newly liberated Tripoli and Martyr Square. It takes a special kind of crazy to get that kind of job done.

Sign the petition NOW if you haven't yet

Or it could have been the sudden appearance on Face Book of the petition to stop the powers that be from dumbing down BBC 4 in a move explained as an "economy" motivated policy. Why would anybody want to dumb down BBC4? Since when is it a criticism to say a programme or a station is TOO smart? What prize idiot at the BBC or the Government considered for even a second the possibility of  cutting funding to the flagship station in the BBC crown? As bread winner, BBC 4 does more work on a quarter of the budget that the brain dead BBC 3 gets. BBC4 provides 80 % of all English language programming to educational stations across the globe. Then even more translate the shows and spend even more at the BBC. And if that wasn't enough , these servants of Jeremy *unt want to stop broadcasting quality  foreign language material like The Killing, Wallander and Spirale. .

What ever happened to Leon Trotsky?

Is it any wonder I hadn't had the spirit, the energy or the desire to dive back in? A few extra quid in the account from writing would help, but this too will come one day, till then, one must endeavour to continue to endeavour. OK, this it it, I'll write those reviews right after I've read the news paper, had another cup of tea and fed the cat.

As per usual, this and all other entries written under the influence of the most excellent Beat Surrender, still channelling The Stranglers, The Pistols The Pogues and Ian Drury on BBC Radio Newcastle. Catch Nick Roberts online by clicking on BBC Radio Newcastle  Saturday listen again section, look for Beat Surrender.

Pudsy bear laughs, let downs and comedy

Good morning dear readers and slaves to the rhythm, Wasn't Pudsy's day out yet another cracker.....If you liked bands like McFly . Not withstanding the dreck for the ears, Take that were ok and our Kylie was fabulous, I mean how old is she and she looks like that and sings like that, made Pixie Lot look like a an old hag. Same old tired West End shows trotted out the trannies and the stylised dance numbers, John Barrowman wore a suit only he could carry off without deep embarrassment and most importantly, lorry loads of money was collected for the most deserving and vulnerable in society. The Doctor Who picnic was cute and the preview a bit clinical, a fellow blogger told me the brats were annoying and he didn't like the little kids either. I suppose even for Pudsy it was a bit saccharine.  At least now we know we'll be seeing Doctor Who does A Christmas Carol, because everybody else has done it. Last decent takes were Bill Murray in Scrooged and the Black Adder version. I suspect I will be disappointed as most of the Christmas Who specials were never much to write home about. It will however do me for my Who fix no matter how underwhelming it be.I won't lie, if you should so much as try to disturb at broadcast time I will defriend you in a nano second. It's been so long I would even watch Paradise Towers again. Here's a treat from past CIN shows... The 1985 CIN Who clip

Sir Terry of Wogan was well cool with his wit intact and he seemed to not fall asleep at all or be put off by the horde of screaming girls who thought they could shout out rude things or wolf whistle and get JLS to take notice of them. I of course muted them,  even the cat was shocked by them, and that Burque woman, great outfit, horrible song. Yes I'm not a fan of the music. Give me The Pogues any day , Christy Mccall or Maximo Park or the undertones , I can go on , But I'm not even sure I can tolerate wee Joe Mc Eldery some days.So what he's from South Shields, I'd rather get a root canal than listen to the entire cd. Oh for the days when bands I recognized sang music I liked. Which begs the question, why don't the Kaiser Chiefs or The Killers ever do these shows? Oh yeah 14 year old girls don't want to have sex with them. High point of the amateur variety had to be the annual News Presenters song, not nearly as shambolic as last year... look for it in the highlight reels.

Not sure how much was raised , but our fiver is defo going to a good cause. Was it my imagination or was there a segment for disadvantaged yoofs and handicapped kids joining the circus to get out of trouble?Last year it was about carers of whom I am one, this year it was all bit more tragic.

Did anybody notice the near complete lack of ITV input this year , barring the most excellent East Street and the murdering by the Loose women of a Girls Aloud song.  Which is not to say the BBC input was all that mind blowing. Your telling us that Sherlock couldn't do something or Miranda? or Qi or Mock the week?Ok so there's not a lot of family friendly light stuff on the Beeb at the minute but having called on the Hairy Bikers who did a most excellent air frying pan and Strictly gave us some decent dance , it should have been up to ITV to step up with more. Though I can see how they might have trouble. Nobody watches the Breakfast show starring former One Show rats and were it not for Katie Price and X factor, ITV would have to broadcast test patterns. Still better than watching I'm a has been, make me shove reptiles down my pants. Watch all or parts of Children in Need 2010

I was hoping the football would give me a bit of a lift from the mild disappointment of Friday night, but to no avail. Arsenal urinated away the chance to go top of the table and my own beloved Newcastle United were torn to pieces 5-1, well at least Andy Caroll scored a goal, The rest of the match is something I will work hard to forget in short order.  Still in search of a well deserved smile, I then looked forward to a glittering night of dance in Blackpool.  Despite the shite shower of unpleasantness via Doris Karloff, and the incredibly rude in studio crowd, the evening was a delight to behold with some stellar efforts by the top 5 dancers ( full review here). Despite the controversy surrounding a certain ex MP and delusional OAP, Strictly is still worth watching if you park your higher brain functions at the door. I look at it as an exercise in attrition in which the credibility of the programme slowly drains away while the best dancers shvitz their way to survival to avoid the Grim Reaper of  the great unwashed voting. Some brilliant dancing is yet to come and you should not miss it.

Which brings me to Sunday night. After the bitter but predictable disappointment of seeing Bendy Felicity hoyyed off at 8pm we waited for the most excellent Garrow's Law ( review to come) which of course was exactly what we expected, a perfect combination of costume soap and modern courtroom drama. Really , if you haven't watched it yet, I have to wonder what you're waiting for. Following Garrow's Law, mostly because I couldn't be bothered to turn off the telly, the lovely Mishal Husain kept us company while the tea mashed and I sorted out just which cheese we'd have for a late snack.

So armed with tea and cheese, The Impressions Show  kicked off and wellllll, in 30 minutes I laughed only once, never once tittered or had an ironic smile. Just becuase you do sort of accurate impressions does not mean you are funny. On the old Vogon Poetry scale of bad, this show still stays at the somnabulistic  horridness of  5, where it's not so bad you want to turn it off lest you injure your brain, but you can't imagine ever watching it again.  Pity such talent is wasted on below average writing. The problem with the Impressions show is simple, I don't want to see occasional near perfect copies of people on telly do stuff I can see by watching the real thing. The Heston Blumenthal sketch suffered from over writing, rather than end it just before Heston explains the joke we had just seen , they then carry on and drive the now ruined sketch into the ground. The Fabio Capello bit, at least I think it was Fabio, was painful to watch, and their one attempt at proper satire where Ronnie Corbet and Katie Price get married, felt forced and struggled to find an exit. Jon Culshaw, the real criminal of the piece, insists on doing impressions of people he can't even get the voice pitch of. One wonders how many starving comedians would have careers if the funds wasted on this were diverted to somebody new.  There's a reason it's on so late and the performers know it. I had honestly thought the programme had been pulled ages ago.

In an effort to cleanse the palette, we turned to the magic of the iPlayer and  caught up on things we'd missed on account of being both down with the lurgie. First up was Russell Howard's Good news which was funnier in the first minute than all of the previous 30 minutes and just kept on rolling, even poor Gaza and his fried chicken and lager get mentioned. Then suddenly, the rotten stand up routine that closed off the programme intruded. Maybe it's a Southern thing I don't get, but the alleged comic must have said the word posh about 50 times before I muted him. Had I known he was it till the end, I could have saved myself the trouble of watching a podgy man in a sport shirt not being funny for what felt like an eternity. No worries Qi XL  was next up with the extended version of Horrible. After several weeks of being bumped in favour of popular music programmes I managed to live without, it was a refreshing breathe of fresh air. Truly makes you wonder why they don't just dispense with the shorter 30 minute version. Qi XL is a comedy treasure.

The Thick of It

Keep in mind the meds had not yet kicked in and we could spare another hour or so before the eyelids shut. Pumped up by Qi, I loaded up the See saw archive if Series 2 of The thick of it. Being the political animal that I am, I was able to see the humour to the very core of it's being. The Thick of it takes every situation ever to have happened in a party office or Ministry building, regardless of politics, and laid it out bare for all to see. Honestly , it's really like that, maybe not in such a constant stream of misfortune, but pretty much accurate. I even felt a few old nervous ticks and bad memories creeping back in like they had happened yesterday. For every person who thinks that politics is easy and some sort of perfect road of redemption for the idealistic public servant who needs to maintain some sort of Aristotelian perfection, watch the programme. These people have to practice the art of the possible in a fish bowl where unrealistic expectations and conflicting agendas clash regularly. After this, please have a care for the people running our government. It takes a special kind of crazy to be able to survive longer than 5 years, and yes they work hard with little or no recognition unless they fuck up. Even if they manage to stay under the radar, they still sacrifice, family and reputation for what at the end of the day is not remunerated nearly well enough to compensate for the hell most of them will endure. Looking forward to the new series we're told is now being scripted.

Newcastle United fans, in case you missed it, Goal! a film in which the mighty Toon feature in a big way and win a famous victory at the end in suitably dramatic fashion, is on the iPlayer till Sunday the 28th. You may recognize familiar behaviour if you've not seen this before. You'd be forgiven if you see Joey Barton and others thinly disguised as other players, but with the bad there is the good as well. Must see footie film even if you aren't a Mag, but if you are, make the time.

Well that's it for me till I write the other things set aside Friday night when the flu set in. It's still not too late to donate to Children in need, just click on the Pudsy link to the right of this post and follow the instructions. Every bit helps and even if the show wasn't always the best, the children can use all the help you can give.

As per usual, this blog post written to the tones of The specials, Jilted John and the Undertones on Beat Surrender at BBC Radio Newcastle. Make Nick Roberts part of your Saturday Night, if you can't there's always Listen again. 

It's cookery time again

Another night of iPlayer cookery fun. The great British bake off  and Gordon Ramsay's new best restaurants last night. Now I know not all of you consider 3 hours of food on the gogle box a thrill a minute telly, but I enjoy it immensely. My family certainly don't mind. Within a day of these things I'm the kitchen cooking my personal version of something I saw the night before.

Tonight I made mushroom and saffron risotto, because I can! tomorrow it's a chicken mushroom and leek pie. If we're lucky, there'll be enough pie to last us a few days.  Oh and a beef and barley soup from scratch.  Why do I mention these things? Am I boasting? Perhaps I want to torture some of you with food you can only buy from the frozen section. Honest truth?  Only a little bit. Mostly it's down to the knowledge that between myself and my wife, we can make the so called difficult dishes that pass for tests on the telly. Oh I haven't ever used suet in my life, but that doesn't mean I can't learn fast enough. We've come to the conclusion, while sharpening knives that were less cutting than an Oscar Wilde witicism, that just maybe we're beyond most of these cookery programmes and  it's time we took some classes. You know the feeling when you watch something and you're miles ahead of the presenter or reacting in the exact  same way as the expert? That's us these days. While I apprciate the fact that not all of us are on the same level at the same time, surely it's time the likes of Raymond Blanc and the cursing Scot were unleashed in some truly advanced cookery programmes. Blanc teased us with some secrets last Spring, but since then it's the same old same old.

Speaking of which, watched episodes 4 and 5 of the Great British Bake Off. That would be puddings and pastry. the remaining contestants without exception, get on my tit. Even the nice boy from Yorkshire is annoying. These contestants seem to revel in making as many base errors as possible. Posh southern lady thinks rules are for wimps, bald Ljunberg look alike flies by the seat of his pants, polite Asian lady is pretending to be 6th gen Norman and mostly ignores her Asian roots, Salford lady, one of two truly gifted bakers, is too afraid of her own talent, and accountant glasses boy ... it was baking or becoming a Lion tamer that kept him from going barking mad. So why do I watch? Simples as the Meercat would say, it's a personal competition to see if the challenges would make me break a sweat or not. The level of expertise required to complete the tasks is nothing to take lightly, but we're both up to it. If anything, simple basic mistakes we haven't made in years were routinely cropping up. Like what I hear you ask..... Well I'll tell you. Pie for example, you pre bake your pie bottoms for a few minutes ( 10 to 15 minutes depending) before you fill them. This avoids the old bogey man of the soggy bottom. But did these people do that? Of course not. They were all sweating till the last second never sure if the pie turned out well or not. Some were lucky  some were not. Had they taken the obvious step earlier on, there would have been no worry. Oh and minor complaint , but still worth noting, why did somebody present a history of puddings if she wasn't prepared to try the food from beginning to end? Hardly a ringing endorsement for her pallet. I'm supposed to trust her opinion on interesting and innovative combinations? Another thing, if those were Cornish pasties, I'm a Sunderland supporter. I watched the Hairy Bikers in Cornwall earlier in the year and they did it much better.

I will stick it out till the end as the presenters on the whole seems to know what they're doing. And despite my criticism, it's a friendly reminder that I may have neglected certain recipes. In fact I promise here and now to make a proper New York Deli cheese cake next week as my sponge is that tasty and light. In addition, it's been donkeys since I made a quiche Lorraine. Winter is coming and it's time to fill the freezer with tasty things we can eat later on.  Perhaps even a meringue that I'll whip by hand. I do consider myself lucky in one regard, my lovely wife affords me the opportunity to prepare feasts for her Holydays and she looks forward to mine. Between us we cover the gamut from Passover to Christmas with resulting occasions for mounds of Polish food to strain the molecular stability of our dinning table. Most recently Rosh Hashana ( a belated L'shana Tova to our Jewish friends) saw home made gefilte fish that was declared the best some had had in years. Particularly proud of that as it tasted the same as the deli stuff we used to get from the kosher counter years ago. Barscz or beet soup was another triumph that had us eschewing the jarred stuff from now on. As good as my Babcia's it was, and that's saying a lot. Next time the uszka ( mushroom filled dumpling you have with the soup) get made as well, but that will wait for Wigilia ( Christmas Eve) the most important meal in the Polish calendar outside of Easter Sunday. Those of you wondering if the food for Catholic and Jewish feast days is somehow different if you're Polish? Nope, as near as identical as to make no difference. The dates for the major occasions differ, but the food and the meanings are the same. These fine Polish dishes only find small echoes in UK cookery, but being a hearty northern cuisine, you find a lot of close relatives in Northern English cooking and baking. More on that in future blogs, 

Before I get carried away, Gordon Ramsay is back on C4 with what I fully expect to be an exciting new series of Ramsay's Best Restaurant. Last night was Italian night. Traditional cooking v Heston foam and dry ice . While the traditional restaurant had continued troubles with front of house, the Italian Hestons with a Michelin Star wowed a panel of cognoscenti and took the Italian title. While it may be a nice nod to an innovative take on Italian, as a relatively normal dinner, I would not choose to regularly drop large sums of money to see steam come out my wife's nostrils. If I'm tired of cooking, I want a nice lasagna, chicken alfredo or veal parmigiana.  I appreciate that Gordon Ramsay is trying to represent the  sometimes uncultured tastes of the average white Norman person raised on " not too much spice please". But I hope he allows for genuine ethnic cooking to rise and shine above the toned down "acceptable" chicken tiki places. Last night's ep was outstanding for one particular reason, the restaurants were both on a level of professionalism that led to greater expectations than anything you would get in a bog standard spag bol place. The first chef frankly was head an shoulders above the wet behind the ears lads flash freezing peas. He commanded his kitchen while holding the  respect of his sous chefs. A pity his waiters were more interested in big tips and less interested selling the full range of items on offer any given night.And how sweet is that gig if you're a GR coach party special dinner or even a secret tester. You get to be a bit of  prat and get paid to eat some truly outstanding food. I'll let you know when I find out just how you sign up for this kind of jury duty.

As good as Gordon gets up to at home, his latest US venture.... Master Chef USA, was a disappointment in sooo many ways. Most importantly, his final 2 hour special that crowned a frankly amateurish and pedestrian Southern girl as winner. The final featured recipes that Jaunty Road and Greg Wallace would have rejected in the quarter final stages as too simple or too flawed. Basic errors like potential raw chicken ( unchecked but still served) by the eventual winner and overcooking of simple dishes in the grand final were enough to make you feel bad for Gordon, who was sat there looking like he might not be able to find the strength to pretend that these 4 people were anywhere near as good as any of the top 10 finalist of the last UK Master Chef. Even Celebrity Master Chef  had more challenging dishes and better cooking than these four so called finalists were able to produce. Simply put, I would rather eat anything cooked by people who had to serve royalty and the WI to win, than this bunch who had only to impress two judges with no taste buds and Gordon Ramsay. If this is the future of Master Chef UK, then I'm not sure I'll be watching.

BTW, a massive thank you to Ivica Slavikova fans, you keep coming back every time that advert runs. Is it the peas or the way she says "Purr-verse"?  

Next blog will have the long promised top 10 baking tools we can't live without, and if I ask my wife real nice, one of her best cakes you to can try yourself at home. As always, this blog written to the tune of BBC Radio Newcastle's Beat Surrender. Great show Nick, nice to hear some new songs in the line up. Thanks for getting me through blog post number 42. Indeed food should be the answer to Life the Universe and Everything.

What I did for my Summer vacations or How I migrated to Windows 7

Yes yes I know, it's only been since the third ep of Sherlock aired that I went missing, but I think you need to know why an opinionated person such as myself has been silent for what seems an eternity to me.

A while ago I heard a report that Windows XP would no longer be supported by security updates or online driver services. This news came to me as a hammer blow being a loyal XP user for as long as it's been around. I studiously avoided Vista and only grudgingly bought a previously  loved lappy with Vista. So it was with regret and great sadness I made the trek to my computer gadgee Lamine. Asked him to upgrade both comps to Windows 7 and could he do it with as little fuss as possible?! That was a month ago like. So I here I sit with two machines that are finally up to almost acceptable standard, only now pouring out words gasping to be written for so long. So what happened you ask, well even if you aren't asking, I'll tell you.

The first machine , the one with XP on, kept crashing when the new OS software was installed. Two weeks later and many tweaks later, I got the Acer back and began the long job of resetting the look content and utility of the laptop to pre upgrade perfection. If you haven't spent a week installing software, inputting saved bookmarks and passwords on top of restoring files saved over a lifetime ( in my case since the tinternet was made easy to get), then you haven't been tortured properly. The one silver lining in all of this was that the Acer could now connect to the internet from a cable ( more on this in a minute). I could of used the other machine I hear you say...And you'd be right. But we are not alone using a computer, I had to let my wife do her things as well. So that was any real productive time shot to hell. Now the newer Vista infested laptop went in. Piece of piss you're thinking...won't be a problem. Well it was. took an age to get the machine back when it turned out he couldn't just upgrade from the hated, reviled, unloved Vista. I had to back up all my data and bring the computer back. At least it went faster this time. No crashes, no nothing. Well almost nothing. Got the machine home and  spent the prerequisite week restoring my vision of perfection. However, during this week I discovered that the hitherto Shangrila like Windows 7 had a hick. Seems some wireless LANs don't seem to work on W7. So now I still have a comp that only connects one way, but now it's the Sony that won't go wireless. I'm told there's a patch on the way, but I still haven't found it.

So how are the old new computers doing? It could be worse and it could be better. The machine that was XP'd can now properly mirror on the telly. This is huge, as for donkeys years we've wanted to watch films and other things on the telly in the kitchen. One of the benefits of W7 is also the canny magnification feature that easily allows recently deprived 20/20 types and older people to read things without resort to specs.  Now while these featured and many more are in Vista, unlike Vista, W7 does not go stupid and keep asking you 30k times for permission to turn off applications. I'm no engineer, but it feels like the damn thing is learning how we use our computers and adapting. I still hate voice activated functions. My English is such a dog's breakfast of accents and words that I think it will take longer to teach the comp than the machine will be of any use. Imagine me dictating in Word some text that include the words gan, dalek, pierog, kielbasa or kvetch. I tried that for fun and the poor thing didn't even get Newcastle United right. Giving it orders in my voice and vocabulary is definitely out of the question. I'm imagining with great amusement great armies of Geordies, Scousers, Brummies and my wife's relations in Brooklyn trying to instruct a machine.  

One of the best reasons to  move toW7 is the simple fact that Firefox, the world's best browser, is developing version 4 on the back of W7. Even now the Beta 4.4 runs better and almost never crashes. It would be nice to see the Adobe/Java script errors sorted sooner than later. It seems the platforms are not taking into account these programmes or Adobe is just not keeping up. Java script is the only real problem that persists in ruining what is otherwise the pop up free, user friendliest browsing experience around.  Speaking of open source freeware, Open Office has replaced Office Suite. Just as good, often updated and compatible to most of our correspondents. I'll be replacing Windows Media player as soon as I can as well. As a long time proponent of being able to "open up" and tinker with my OS, I love the less than complicated path you take to personalise the regional and basic settings. Mirroring or as I call it, watching the computer on telly, is dead easy. The personalization toys available are a treat, I have unashamedly played with them for at least a day.  Still not clear on how to make a home network , as I'm not a Wizard robe wearing IT type. My mate has been duly bribed with a large meal to set up our network and shared printer.We expect him any day soon.

On the whole it was worth the effort and the money. But I'm glad I did it when I had a month to devote it. Only last night I spent the better part of 2 hours restoring a stack of mp3 discs to the hard drive. It's not the 6,000 plus tunes I had a few years ago, but at least we now have the music library that any ageing activist/anarchist/footie/socialist would be comfortable with if not proud of. Still need to restore my celtic rock, punk, ska and indie rock files lost to mates not returning things. What I find amazing was the amount of Goth wrist slitting rubbish I used to listen to. Not binning Muse, but most of the HIM will have to go. How depressed do you have to be listen to that? Equally embarrassing was the file filled with bad 80's pop music. I swear I have no idea how it got there. On high note, Mr Spock singing the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins, Weird Al, including the Bohemian Rhapsody polka, along with AC/DC and the Beatles are back in pride of place.

If you've been putting off upgrading to W7, don't wait any more. Microsoft have gone out of the way to make us happy this time. Make the move now before you to have to loose a month of computer time.

As always, this blog brought to you by Nick Robert's "Beat Surrender"" heard every Saturday evening on BBC Radio Newcastle.

We shall fight them on the editorial pages

We shall fight them on the blogosphere and we shall fight them in public opinion. The Con-Dem government nobody voted for is now clearing the way for an attack on the very institution that makes Britain the jewel in the English speaking broadcast crown. They are greasing the track for a mass raid on talent, money and Corporation facilities to be handed over to the private sector. This same private sector that has stopped short of showing us extensive coverage of Katie Price's vagina, the same private sector that has reduced the intellect required to watch most programmes in the last 5 years to charvs who cannot spell and aren't even sure how to boil water.

Clearly the content on offer at BBC1, BBC2, BBC3 and BBC4 , all fulfil the needs of different parts of the watching public. They each in their own way cater to or pander to specific demographics. But the vast majority of the content is at least based on the desire to inform, entertain and expand the mind of viewers.  If the private sector was able to do this , then there would be no need to have the BBC. But clearly the most cursory scan of the television schedule on any day of the week reveals a sad picture of American programmes, copies of American programmes and charv culture in such abundance you could be forgiven if you thought no one had graduated school in ten years.

My own viewing habits are a case in point. The following is a list of programmes I have deemed worthy of my time. Programmes I have in some cases gone out of my way to see they are so good. See how many of them aren't on the BBC.

Doctor Who, Spooks, Torchwood, Victorian Farm, Eggheads, Mongrels, Rev, Graham Norton, Coronation Street, Midsommer Murders, Top Gear, Mock The Week, You've been watching, 8 out of 10 cats, Secret Diaries of a call girl, Luther, Jonathan Creek, Qi, The Bubble, Private life of Chickens, Proms, Big Bang Theory,  Look North, Question time,The Mentalist, Time Team, The entire BBC4 nature and science output for the last year, Raymond Blanc secrets, Master Chef, Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsay, Outnumbered, Joanna Lumley cats/Nile, The week long programme about a car crash investigation, The IT crowd, Doc Martin, Coast, The entire BBC history of the sea season, Dunkirk, The World Cup on BBC. I can go on, but the point would be that outside of a handful of programmes  outside the BBC, I can safely say that I would not be sad to see C5 go the way of the dodo or see C4 be absorbed into the BBC.  ITV has become a parody if itself, foregoing quality for cheap programmes aimed at the same demographic Big Brother was made for. BBC Television does for people what any decent national television network should do. Is it perfect?  Big Top and the Pursuasionists are proof even they make the occasional mistake. But at the end of the day, our telly would be that much poorer without the BBC we know.

The iPlayer, is perhaps the best thing since the invention of the wheel, without being accused of hyperbole. Being able to catch up on programmes  conveniently sorted by name, genre and station is the best way to get some shows a greater audience. The iPlayer is a perfect tool to get maximum bang for the money spent on BBC product. Any move to limit the use or support of the iPlayer should be viewed with  deep suspicion.

The BBC website and news division are integral to the way most people gather news and has a reputation of honesty and accuracy most other news organizations would love to have. To target the news and sports division for selling off and dismantling is destroying a journalistic tradition that goes back so far that most people at the Sun, friends of the government and certain other papers would have to work their way up for a decade to merely come close to that level of quality. Does anybody seriously take Sky news as a credible source for news? Since when is cynical thinly veiled right wing propaganda news?  There is little wonder we are seeing the rise of the BNP/EDL hate mongers among the young and impoverished school leavers too stupid to read for themselves or check facts. Sky has been spoon feeding this lot with enough paranoia and fear to fuel a decade or lunacy. The service provided by the BBC website as a whole is greater than any measure of economy that could be brought to bear on a few highly paid executives and talent. We get our news, we get our base information on everyday things, we get a relatively quick update of information so finely tuned that if somebody farts in an interesting way in Durham, it will be posted and findable with little difficulty. I could say I'm not pleased with the facelift of the BBC news section, but I'll give it a week to prove me wrong. At it's core it's still the same BBC I count on every day of the week.

National and local radio is another place the Beeb has a definitive place in the broadcast landscape. We are surrounded by stations trying to sell us the same top 40 pap with the occasional new x factor bint or himbo breaking the monotony of safe inoffensive drivel that appeases secretaries , housewives and 12 year girls. Where else will you hear new cutting edge music, radio drama and comedy, short audio documentaries and intellectual content Magic and Galaxy will never go near. How else will regional acts not lucky enough to get on Virgin radio get a shot at stardom or at least being heard by  a group bigger than 30 people. When was the last time you heard Elgar on the drive time show. As for the new music, some of which I despise btw, it's like what I want to hear now but can't due to the top 40 storm, it was once cutting edge and new. Local and national outlets of the BBC owe it to the artists that struggle to get heard and should give them as much freedom of access as can be granted. For every Alaxardra Burque who warbles her way to fame on the back of Darth Cowell, there are thousands of artists of every kind who are more deserving of exposure, but are lucky to be heard at all. Whole genres of music depend on the continued help of the BBC to be heard and remain vital living art forms. From Celtic to Bhamra If it weren't for the BBC, it wouldn't be played on mainstream radio or telly.


One last and at least as important thing the BBC does. Without the BBC, regional content and culture and the culture of those who chose to settle in Great Britain would not be reflected. Left to it's own devices, ITV and other private channels would have created a white London centric identity that would have eventually washed away any trace of the regional and replaced it with Westminster English. I know I know , the BBC had it's own role in this as well, but wisely was smart enough to recognize when it was wrong. Today the mandate of the BBC should be recognized and affirmed as the torch bearer of British culture and history, it should be the voice of superlative journalism and the place to see Cricket, Rugby and football without having to subscribe to the special Sky sports pack.

What precisely is bothering the BBC haters like Jeremy Hunt? Competition, alleged unfair competition, Is it so wrong to pay talent a proper wage? How much money is wasted on Piers Morgan or Peter Andre. How much is Jeremy Kyle taking home?  Clearly enough to continue putting out the dreck they do. So why shouldn't talented people like Wossy or Norton or David Mitchell be paid a wage that will keep them at the BBC?  You want quality, you need to pay for it. Can there be some economies? Of course, every place can do it, but  taking a machete to The Beeb, is just criminal. During the war my father listened to broadcasts of music, comedy and drama that kept his and the minds of millions of people off the day to day misery that was life under the threat of bombs. Today the Beeb educates, entertains and gives hope to all kinds from University of the air to how to grow your own drugs.

So who exactly is benefiting from this attack on the BBC?  The private sector, the sector that would have you believe there is only one culture, one view, one demographic and one Britain worth broadcasting to and informing.   It's going to be a long summer, and when the  savages are at the gates, we'll need to be ready to keep the damage to a minimum. Is the BBC worth the money spent on it?  A  BIG FAT YES.

I love the sound of deadlines whizzing by

A propos of nothing, I got up this morning like a fag addicted creature stabbing in the dark for my fix, only to remember there is no football today or tomorrow, so now stuck with an entire day to fill interacting with other humans, I need to come up with a game plan that still has room for the two articles I promised but haven't touched since the World Cup has started. I'd like to say that I'm feeling guilty about having had to make an excuse to my editor, but to be honest he knows I been spending my time watching the world cup. What I'm sure concerns him more is that I had time to write an article on the state of Humour, saved English football, reviewed a BBC4 Bio pic , the last episode of Doctor Who till Christmas, and still not even a draft for him to look at. Honestly Mark, I haven't forgotten you, I promise, hand on heart, I'll have something for you in a couple of days tops.   

Well it's many hours later and the visitors I least expected have left, I've made enough spaghetti sauce to feed a small army, the cat has been washed, made some sandwiches re-organized the pantry and took a bath. My wife who is my researcher, baked two loaves of bread and a massive tray of cookies,  but it's not procrastination. I can hear you asking, did you do any writing today?  Well yes in fact, I did some stuff on facelick, banged on in Galli Base about why Germany will take Argentina to go on to the final, and wrote a polite note to my council about getting us a new recycling bin, as the one we have is knackered. All in all a productive day, if not big on  literary output.

I also did one thing I hadn't had a lot of time to do.  I looked at how my list of regular readers has grown. I'd like to thank mysterious person in Moscow for coming back everytime there's a new post, then there's Gavin in Estonia who doesn't read my Who reviews till he's seen the episodes as he thinks I might have too many spoilers, maybe yes and maybe no Gavin. Jeffrey wants to know where the food bits are, they're coming  is the short answer. Have a cracking honey bread recipe that would be at home in any Polish home and if you can lay hands on some matza, you can make your own skor bars...  In the last few days I have established a steady supply of information from Unsigned Sunderland and few other sources ( more on that another time), so a few days hence, you can expect a once weekly list of must try acts you won't ever hear on Darth Cowell's iPOD. Then there's the nice people at BBC Radio Newcastle who have knowingly and not so knowingly contributed to this blog. Nick Roberts and Paddy McDee are legends and if you've not caught their contributions to radio I can only ask , what are you waiting for?

I know some of you are wondering why I didn't write a word about the last few days of World Cup Matches, but if you watched, you'll know that like most, I was too busy trying not to slit my wrists to  dull the pain of having to watch Japan v Paraguay play the kind of football that makes watching paint dry feel exciting. By the time we got to the penalties I was relieved it was over, I didn't care who won. I do know that if I ever see either of those teams on a fixtures list, I will hope they get hammered into oblivion until they learn to at least try and score some goals. Crossing your legs like a frightened virgin seems interesting for the first 5 minutes, but three matches in a row is enough to make you swear off the game. At least Chile  Brazil was interesting even when it was nil nil for the longest time. In the end Chile succumbed 3-0 and it was entertaining.  I must also confess a slight perverse joy in the discomfiture on Christiano Ronaldo's face as he was having a pretty bad day at the office. Seeing him unhappy more than made up for all the unpleasantness a few years ago and since. There are few players currently active that I dislike more, in fact only three and two of them had a vile World Cup, seeing Gatusso not play and then get sent home a loser was personal joy surpassed only by the knowledge that Lippi, master of dull anti-football and cheating will likely be sacked joining the disgraced Raymond Domenech on the manager black list. I won't belabour the point made by a few others in various other blogs and columns, suffice to say that the self important superficial condescending Adrian Chiles, is not worthy of licking Gary Lineker's shoes. Bet you thought I was going to have Chiles lick some other part of Lineker?  Well it's not that kind of blog, but for £2.99 a minute there is a site where you see strange creatures humiliate themselves live on telly. Is anybody still watching Big Brother? ITV have proved that even the World Cup can be trivialized to a point where you wait for the last possible second before tuning in to the match to miss the awfulness that is the ITV warm up show. Thankfully, you can choose who's coverage of the final you want to watch, with luck, next World Cup/Euro ITV will be stripped of any right to International football.

You may wonder who the revelation of the world cup has been, the most remarkable person or thing  to come along and make a permanent mark on our imaginations. Is it Diego Maradona, maybe the Dung Beetle, or perhaps the seriously annoying vuvuzela? Putting on my best Jeremy Clarkson voice, You're all wrong , it's ...  Ivica Slavikova  , yes the bird off the Sky broadband advert featuring the perverse (purrverse) pea in her mattress. Every time she say "Stop leaving vegetables in my bedding. Its perverse",  males watching are hypnotized or at least trying not to let it show if the  girl friend or wife is in the room. And on the subject of these self same women. Such brave, long suffering people they are, even my football loving wife wonders how I've managed to watch all but one live match without going blind, crazy and soft in the head. I'd like to put this in perspective. If you follow a team like say Newcastle United, and somehow you watched every match they played in the season, you'd have 38 regular season matches, a few FA Cup ties say 4, if you make Europe, another 10 if you go all the way, so 52 in total over a period of 10 months. I have watched 52 of 56 matches since the World Cup kicked off . I will watch another 7 between Friday and the final for a total of 64 matches in under a month with only a two day break. I've grown used to the idea I could see two allegedly high quality matches a day and even secretly missing the inane droning of Mick McCarthy in my ear. My wife knows enough to let me have my fun, it's only every two years and the rest of the time "I'm the best". Football zombie Mietek will be around for another couple of days and it's back to normal programming, my editor will have a steady stream of brilliant stuff, my wife will be able to talk to me normally as opposed to only for 10 minutes in between matches, life will go on and I will catch the occasional crap friendly, or Europa league qualifying match until the real football comes back in August.   Those of us lucky enough to have women loyal enough to understand we won't always be like this, need to appreciate how lucky we are. Some men have been forced to miss the football to go to in laws, do shopping or eat out cos it's nice.  These women don't seem to know we'd rather have our teeth pulled than miss the World Cup. So men, after all the fuss is over, and you need to go on footie withdrawal, show some appreciation to your lady, take her to see that new vampire porn flick that just came out, ( you can sleep in the dark it's ok) , you could have a few friends over and talk for hours she'll like that, or you could just revert to default setting and that will seem like a huge improvement on the grunting football obsessed eating sleeping lump she's been living with for the past month.

 If you do manage some telly time and you've missed these gems earlier in the week, go to your iPlayer and fire up Mock the Week, Graham Norton from this Monday and the first new Top Gear. More on those tomorrow as well as some recipes and music you won't find anywhere else.

In othe telly news Phil Collison Corrie boss and ex Doctor Who producer was recently asked about plans for the 50th anniversary.. “It’s still quite early and we’re still planning what we’re going to do. We’ll be announcing more details soon but what I can say is that it’ll be massive. It’ll be Corrie like you’ve never seen it before.” Collinson was also asked whether Corrie would be repeating the idea of a live episode like they did for the 40th anniversary in 2000. He acknowledged that the idea had been raised but added that he wasn’t terribly enthusiastic about the idea himself, citing the enormous amount of coordination necessary to make it work. I'll take that as a no Phil. Regardless, since his eps have started to run, Corrie has been a treat to watch. Good work Mr.Collison. Long may you reign.

One more day of rest and maybe I'll get closer to finishing at least the one article this week. In the mean time, if you feel like wasting a few bob at the bookies, put a fiver on Germany to get past Argentina. If they loose, it's just a fiver, but if they win the odds are tasty. If' I'm right send me my ten percent in the post. Laters all.

You're forgiven for now Wayne & the Pandorica opens

So yesterday I asked if it could get any worse. Shock of shocks, the Earth didn't open up and swallow us, the rains did not come down like righteous anger from the Gods and nobody had a supernaturally bad day at the World Cup. Wayne Rooney even apologized for being a twat on camera. It's Ok Wayne, we know you're not famous for having the wisdom and patience of the Mahatma Ghandi. Hell even he had the occasional off day. So if you and the rest of the England squad don't stink up the park next Wednesday, we might even return to normal service.

So what did happen today? we had three matches , two were brilliant end to end stuff and one was reminiscent but not quite as interesting as watching the bit at the awards ceremony when the accountants come out to explain how the voting works.  Holland Japan was technically perfect, Holland enjoyed over 70% possession and Japan frankly didn't show up. So how you ask me  was it possible for the scoreline to be 1-0? Very easy. Unlike Our own lads the day before, the Dutch super stars who populate some of the best clubs in Europe and England, decided to take the path of least resistance. They played pass the ball for a bit , then they did it some more. At some point the manager noticed they hadn't scored a goal yet so signalled the need for them to perhaps try.  For a few minutes the match came to life and Sneijder put one in at the 83 minute where upon they they promptly went back to sleep. Now I'm not for a minute suggesting there is some kind of contractual obligation for teams to provide entertaining footie. I even understand that you get to the next stage as best you can, but honestly,  football of the living dead was a bit much. If they hope to put Argentina or Germany ( should they make it out) to sleep with this , it may more likely turn around and bite them in the ass. Holland can play some strikingly delicious football before they habitually fold like a house of cards to the Germans, it's what we expect of them, so why the sleep walking act? I suspect it was more a desire to protect players from injury ahead of the next stage.

Ghana Australia was another matter entirely . Comedy gold that was. Australia was awash in controversy over if Harry Kewell was going to play or not. Well he did . We even had a pool as to how long he would stay on before he was gone. I had 34 minutes, as it is he was sent off on 23 minutes. Handball if you're curious, a few more inches it would have been his chest and he'd have been a hero. He even argued the card and had to be escorted off the pitch. Kewell aside, both  teams played to win and a 10 man Australia barely showed signs they were even bothered by what would have crippled a lesser side. Lots of chances going both ways, great goal keeping. Some of us even wondered if we could just dispense with a search for a new keeper and offer Schwarzer a British passport. In the end it was a 1-1 draw with both teams deserving the single point. An entertaining match  that went by so fast you never really did  notice the passage of time.

The last match of the day was the equally entertaining but ultimately sad Cameroon v Denmark . The 2-1 result belies the effort both teams put in. A galaxy of current, past and future Premiership stars fought it out in the best flowing match perhaps of the entire tournament. Both keepers were outstanding and the pace was electric. The strategy was to win and not be too worried about leaking goals. The end result was an end to end contest filled with spectacular shots hits and tackles. Samuel Eto Nicholas Bendtner and Rohmedahl each scored. To be honest, Cameroon deserved to win on the strength of frankly unlucky shots on the Danish goal and brilliant goal keeping. A gutted group of Lions are gannin yem while Denmark soldier on into the knock out round. Cameroon should be proud of  the level of play and quality they showed neutrals. While they will have preferred to win, at least they go out in style fighting to the last. Would all the matches be this good , I wouldn't have nodded off as often as I have.

The lowlight of the day had to be the following exchange...which sent me to the kitchen to make my tea rather than have to hear the rest of what would  surely be  the worst commentary since I sat next to a bunch of charvs discussing the merits of popular culture. BBC 's best said the following..."Anyone seen Space Jam? You know, that movie where all the superstar basketball players lose their abilities and a bunch of nobodies end up becoming the best basketball players in the world. Basically, I'm expecting a Bill Murray cameo around the quarter finals." . I couldn't make this stuff up. In a further sign of things to come, we had a BBC screen sans the scoreline or the time for the first few minutes. And In further surrealist developments, the Big Sulk Anelka apparently told Domenech to make love to himself, though probably not as politely as I just put it, as a result he's on the next flight home to water the plants and sort out his recycling. No worries Nic , nobody thinks you did the wrong thing.

Here a few gems from today's idle banter. My thanks to somebody's father and his text messages.The England Squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "it's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Jamai Umboto, aged 6'  And:  "Oxo are introducing a white Oxo cube with a red cross on it, as a tribute to the England football team. It's called The Laughing Stock.".

Mock the week is back, and I finally go to see it two days later. I swear I think 6.5 hours of telly a day is about the limit a human can take. Even ringers have to take a break when doing the extended dvd LOTR marathon ( not including appendices) at about the 6 hour point. I could feel my eyes trying to glower at me unsuccessfully. Best they could do was water up and sting in a slightly stroppy manner. Where was I? Mock the week, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons joined by guests Diane Morgan, Milton Jones and Chris Addison kicked off the new series in grand style. You could tell they had weeks of material just bursting to be used. I can't wait for the out-takes reel to see the stuff they left behind. The Green howler was dealt with in typical sensitive MTW fashion and the new Condem government was raked over the coals in a tip to Mr. Cameron that he won't be getting any votes from these comedians. I have missed this programme so much, so pleased it's back just in time to take our minds off the troubles on the pitch.

Last treat today was the first part of an all star cast of monsters, friends and companions in The Pandorica Opens. Vincent, Winston and other assorted characters from the latest series of Doctor Who conspired to get a message to Matt Smith that he's in mortal danger of some kind. I won't tell you what happens, you need to watch it yourself, but I can tell you this. "Pandorica opens" is a throwback to the great adventure serials you used to hear on radio or watch on telly. Stonehenge sits atop a secret chamber complete with cobwebs and decaying monsters trying to kill you while you decode the secret message before it's too late. Nothing is at seems while the writers keep tickling the funny bone with scenes you would have found in the funny bits of Indiana Jones. But it's not all laughs my friends, keep a box of tissue handy for a poignant reunion. The ep ends on a shocking note that will have older viewers remembering the way Flash Gordon or Batman used to get into trouble. Will the Doctor get out of this one? Will it all end badly for Amy? Will River Song destroy time and space? Tune in next Saturday --- Same Bat Time, same Bat-channel!

As always, this post brought to you by BBC Radio Newcastle's Nick Roberts and Beat Surrender, you can hear the latest programme HERE.

They Killed the Quatro!!!! or Here Comes Eurovision

Last week I was in the grip of finale fever, tonight I'm quietly thinking of how to fill the massive gaping hole now created in my viewing schedule. I will dear reader, reveal the secret cave of wonders I'm off to later , and no it's not DAVE.

First things first...

They killed the Quatro! What I had been thinking was confirmed when Gene Hunt saw the report on himself. Of course , it made perfect sense and was all the more touching when Alex et al are tempted one last time by the Devil. DCI Jim Keats is played with such understated rage and frustration, he is the consummate controlled face of evil. Alex aka US, is hoyed from pillar to post, never quite sure what the truth is. But when we find out the truth , it hits us hard like a Rooney Pen. Yes they are all dead, it's purgatory, Gene Hunt is helping the souls of the dead move on. This would be plenty, but the writers were not done pealing the onion away, Gene is the burnt ( offering) officer, an earnest plod Telly Savalas wanabe, who was cut down before he ever got going. I have of course lit a candle for both Gene Hunt AND the Quatro. I wish him well with his new graduating class of dead officers. Will we see Gene Hunt pass over? Who knows? Part of me would love to see that limited run 4 part epic cherry on top of the cake. I doubt however the writers are interested in messing with a perfect ending. My hat is off to those who took the hard decision to end the programme on a high note.



Speaking of ending on high notes, the other much awaited finale, LOST, aired in the last 24 hours. How I wish JJ Abrahms had had the courage of his convictions , and told the network, NO it's a three year arc, I'm not stretching this to suit you. How does it end? See above, They're all dead Jim! What a let down, I knew this by the end of series 2. What's even worse is they went out of their way to deny this, going as far as calling people like me, crazy and delusional. The previous hard core of Trekies, Whovians and Ringers dropped Lost like a hot potato shortly after Charlie was drowned in a vicious waste of the only character I cared if he lived or died. Then the nail on the coffin was the frankly confusing couple of eps where it's clear only a few survived and are haunted by this, only to flash back to the Island. Joseph Conrad is easier to read. I never recovered enough from the extreme disappointment of the stretch to watch again. Good thing too, Ashes to Ashes did it better faster and with some respect for it's viewers.



Sadly the other finale had a paltry 700,000 viewers getting the answer to the great question. Just what is the village? Short answer is it's a higher plain of the mind where mental patients are sent to recover from serious disorders. The fact Number two and his wife number one are doing this entirely against their will is the point of number six's rebellion. No prison, no matter how well intentioned is anything but a prison. Idealists cannot and should not force a single vision of perfection on humanity, because they believe they hold the only official truth. As it turns out, it's not perfect is it? Number six must choose, liberate the people or find a better way and a new truth. Poor 313, the girl is a complete basket case, two is not a bastard after all and 313 is the lynch pin of the finale. How will six choose? I'm not telling you . The science is a bit dodgy,but I'll let it pass, it is science FICTION, not science fact. On the whole a good wrap up to a great limited series. Try and catch it from the beginning before ITV sends it to Belgium.

Luther chugs along like the creepy engine that could. Ruth Wilson who plays Alice Morgan has owned this role. Any other show would have taken such a role and made her tiring by now, but not Luther. I fully expect to see her helping solve crimes more often, ... for a price. Idris Elba's character is clearly addicted to Alice who is drawing him into her wonderland of strangeness. In the most unsettling , will they or won't they pairing, some of us are waiting for the morning they wake up naked , he is very afraid, she smiles.

Outnumbered has come and gone for another series. I assume the entire barking mad clan of suburbanites will be back for another go in a few months. Getting that much gold out two small person cannot be easy and I'd rather wait till they have more rather than squeeze the funniest children on television like a once too often used tea bag.

BGT, my not so secret addiction, continued it's stream of less then stellar acts wanting to entertain the Queen. Please somebody explain to me the fascination with street dance? Even Charlie Brooker agrees with me on this one. It was refreshing to see the cute children in costume , doing something that didn't resemble a mass epileptic fit. The Asian dance troupe was brilliant, sadly ITV chose to show only truncated clips.This despite the clearly good reception they had. The father & son Jackson Impressionists were spectacular and seem destined to join the long list of acts that will make a decent living in Benidorm or some other resort town for the next ten years. The lad signing Danny Boy was good, but I hate Danny Boy, ( had to sing it in choir as a child) Maybe he can do a nice version of Athenry. That boy belongs in an Anglican Church Choir where his voice will be cared for and trained. His parents should have had him in music school ages ago , not going on BGT months before his voice breaks. My new favourite act is now the doorman who channels Sinatra and Tony Bennet. As a registered not wrinkly above the age of JLS, I am relieved to see more than one style of music to get a shot. Amanda Holden, Piers morgan and the substitute twat Louis Walsh managed to get through this week without being too silly, perhaps it was Simon Cowell being away due to the flu.

Doctor Who was a part one of two at the week end. Typical formulaic ending when the doctor predicts a few huts and 30 villagers only to see the entire Silurian civilization in front of him. I will not criticize the ep as being thin on story or even ripping off Inferno. Though I could. I will instead state what I consider the obvious, It's a part one, take the time to develop the personas dramatis that will make you shout at the telly in despair and fear whilst hid behind a pile of pillows. Or so I'm told some of us may have done. Remember, don't Blink...Go for a pee before the show starts and take the phone off the hook. These things usually get going big style in the second half. Matt Smith for NUFC manager, he couldn't do worse than the last two.

I'm pleased to report that Graham Norton is back on track, He had on last Monday the leader of the Dorothy cult Andrew Lloyd Webber, Minnie Driver, and mad Welsh person Ruth Jones. Camp funny and websites....



You want more Camp? Eurovision is here. Three nights over a week of the annual Euro fest of bad taste and block voting. I know Our song is bad beyond redemption, nauseatingly embarrassing and bland all at the same time. I know It'll be mostly nul points to Britain and that the winner will almost assuredly be from the Eastern Block. Will this stop me from watching? Of course not. I'm rooting for France with the not Coup de Boule song and Greece's OPA! They embody all that is great and truly awful about Eurovision. Get your drag face on and load up on niblies, you will not be able to pull yourself away from this year's crop of songs.

Now at the top I promised you something. This in fact is for my mate Paul in South Shields who moaned to my wife..." There's nowt on telly!" . How wrong you are!!!!
The iPlayer is a veritable treasure trove of gold and addictive stuff you will almost assuredly have missed if you were watching telly during prime time. The problem starts when you go to the BBC or any of the other players out there and look for something you missed and needed to watch. I WAS looking for Rock Band and found the 90 minute gem Synth Britannia . No Devo, but the bands that were on were mint. Proof that the 80's were not a complete wasteland. Over at 4OD We watched all 13 eps of Chelmsford 123, did a Time team marathon, and I'm wallowing shamelessly in Shameless. ITV is not without it's own treasure chest Classic ITV. So next time you think the telly is devoid of choice, have a neb around the Players. I'll have a few suggestions from the iPlayer cave of wonders every week for you. In the mean time, dig out those Doctor Who Throughton tapes and DVDs.



This blog written to the sounds of Beat Surrender and Paddy MacDee on BBC radio Newcastle. Coming soon, proper links to Nick Roberts Radio Newcastle introduces ( 9 pm most nights)new local NE bands. Follow the links here to find Nick, Paddy, Alfie and our Keith Telly Topping. For more great blog experiences read The Lord Toppings top tips before they air here

See you next week , or sooner if Eurovision is sufficiently inspiring....Happy viewing, Good luck with those auditions Paul Carney, Check out Rock The Barn
for local live gigs.