I love the sound of deadlines whizzing by

A propos of nothing, I got up this morning like a fag addicted creature stabbing in the dark for my fix, only to remember there is no football today or tomorrow, so now stuck with an entire day to fill interacting with other humans, I need to come up with a game plan that still has room for the two articles I promised but haven't touched since the World Cup has started. I'd like to say that I'm feeling guilty about having had to make an excuse to my editor, but to be honest he knows I been spending my time watching the world cup. What I'm sure concerns him more is that I had time to write an article on the state of Humour, saved English football, reviewed a BBC4 Bio pic , the last episode of Doctor Who till Christmas, and still not even a draft for him to look at. Honestly Mark, I haven't forgotten you, I promise, hand on heart, I'll have something for you in a couple of days tops.   

Well it's many hours later and the visitors I least expected have left, I've made enough spaghetti sauce to feed a small army, the cat has been washed, made some sandwiches re-organized the pantry and took a bath. My wife who is my researcher, baked two loaves of bread and a massive tray of cookies,  but it's not procrastination. I can hear you asking, did you do any writing today?  Well yes in fact, I did some stuff on facelick, banged on in Galli Base about why Germany will take Argentina to go on to the final, and wrote a polite note to my council about getting us a new recycling bin, as the one we have is knackered. All in all a productive day, if not big on  literary output.

I also did one thing I hadn't had a lot of time to do.  I looked at how my list of regular readers has grown. I'd like to thank mysterious person in Moscow for coming back everytime there's a new post, then there's Gavin in Estonia who doesn't read my Who reviews till he's seen the episodes as he thinks I might have too many spoilers, maybe yes and maybe no Gavin. Jeffrey wants to know where the food bits are, they're coming  is the short answer. Have a cracking honey bread recipe that would be at home in any Polish home and if you can lay hands on some matza, you can make your own skor bars...  In the last few days I have established a steady supply of information from Unsigned Sunderland and few other sources ( more on that another time), so a few days hence, you can expect a once weekly list of must try acts you won't ever hear on Darth Cowell's iPOD. Then there's the nice people at BBC Radio Newcastle who have knowingly and not so knowingly contributed to this blog. Nick Roberts and Paddy McDee are legends and if you've not caught their contributions to radio I can only ask , what are you waiting for?

I know some of you are wondering why I didn't write a word about the last few days of World Cup Matches, but if you watched, you'll know that like most, I was too busy trying not to slit my wrists to  dull the pain of having to watch Japan v Paraguay play the kind of football that makes watching paint dry feel exciting. By the time we got to the penalties I was relieved it was over, I didn't care who won. I do know that if I ever see either of those teams on a fixtures list, I will hope they get hammered into oblivion until they learn to at least try and score some goals. Crossing your legs like a frightened virgin seems interesting for the first 5 minutes, but three matches in a row is enough to make you swear off the game. At least Chile  Brazil was interesting even when it was nil nil for the longest time. In the end Chile succumbed 3-0 and it was entertaining.  I must also confess a slight perverse joy in the discomfiture on Christiano Ronaldo's face as he was having a pretty bad day at the office. Seeing him unhappy more than made up for all the unpleasantness a few years ago and since. There are few players currently active that I dislike more, in fact only three and two of them had a vile World Cup, seeing Gatusso not play and then get sent home a loser was personal joy surpassed only by the knowledge that Lippi, master of dull anti-football and cheating will likely be sacked joining the disgraced Raymond Domenech on the manager black list. I won't belabour the point made by a few others in various other blogs and columns, suffice to say that the self important superficial condescending Adrian Chiles, is not worthy of licking Gary Lineker's shoes. Bet you thought I was going to have Chiles lick some other part of Lineker?  Well it's not that kind of blog, but for £2.99 a minute there is a site where you see strange creatures humiliate themselves live on telly. Is anybody still watching Big Brother? ITV have proved that even the World Cup can be trivialized to a point where you wait for the last possible second before tuning in to the match to miss the awfulness that is the ITV warm up show. Thankfully, you can choose who's coverage of the final you want to watch, with luck, next World Cup/Euro ITV will be stripped of any right to International football.

You may wonder who the revelation of the world cup has been, the most remarkable person or thing  to come along and make a permanent mark on our imaginations. Is it Diego Maradona, maybe the Dung Beetle, or perhaps the seriously annoying vuvuzela? Putting on my best Jeremy Clarkson voice, You're all wrong , it's ...  Ivica Slavikova  , yes the bird off the Sky broadband advert featuring the perverse (purrverse) pea in her mattress. Every time she say "Stop leaving vegetables in my bedding. Its perverse",  males watching are hypnotized or at least trying not to let it show if the  girl friend or wife is in the room. And on the subject of these self same women. Such brave, long suffering people they are, even my football loving wife wonders how I've managed to watch all but one live match without going blind, crazy and soft in the head. I'd like to put this in perspective. If you follow a team like say Newcastle United, and somehow you watched every match they played in the season, you'd have 38 regular season matches, a few FA Cup ties say 4, if you make Europe, another 10 if you go all the way, so 52 in total over a period of 10 months. I have watched 52 of 56 matches since the World Cup kicked off . I will watch another 7 between Friday and the final for a total of 64 matches in under a month with only a two day break. I've grown used to the idea I could see two allegedly high quality matches a day and even secretly missing the inane droning of Mick McCarthy in my ear. My wife knows enough to let me have my fun, it's only every two years and the rest of the time "I'm the best". Football zombie Mietek will be around for another couple of days and it's back to normal programming, my editor will have a steady stream of brilliant stuff, my wife will be able to talk to me normally as opposed to only for 10 minutes in between matches, life will go on and I will catch the occasional crap friendly, or Europa league qualifying match until the real football comes back in August.   Those of us lucky enough to have women loyal enough to understand we won't always be like this, need to appreciate how lucky we are. Some men have been forced to miss the football to go to in laws, do shopping or eat out cos it's nice.  These women don't seem to know we'd rather have our teeth pulled than miss the World Cup. So men, after all the fuss is over, and you need to go on footie withdrawal, show some appreciation to your lady, take her to see that new vampire porn flick that just came out, ( you can sleep in the dark it's ok) , you could have a few friends over and talk for hours she'll like that, or you could just revert to default setting and that will seem like a huge improvement on the grunting football obsessed eating sleeping lump she's been living with for the past month.

 If you do manage some telly time and you've missed these gems earlier in the week, go to your iPlayer and fire up Mock the Week, Graham Norton from this Monday and the first new Top Gear. More on those tomorrow as well as some recipes and music you won't find anywhere else.

In othe telly news Phil Collison Corrie boss and ex Doctor Who producer was recently asked about plans for the 50th anniversary.. “It’s still quite early and we’re still planning what we’re going to do. We’ll be announcing more details soon but what I can say is that it’ll be massive. It’ll be Corrie like you’ve never seen it before.” Collinson was also asked whether Corrie would be repeating the idea of a live episode like they did for the 40th anniversary in 2000. He acknowledged that the idea had been raised but added that he wasn’t terribly enthusiastic about the idea himself, citing the enormous amount of coordination necessary to make it work. I'll take that as a no Phil. Regardless, since his eps have started to run, Corrie has been a treat to watch. Good work Mr.Collison. Long may you reign.

One more day of rest and maybe I'll get closer to finishing at least the one article this week. In the mean time, if you feel like wasting a few bob at the bookies, put a fiver on Germany to get past Argentina. If they loose, it's just a fiver, but if they win the odds are tasty. If' I'm right send me my ten percent in the post. Laters all.

Oh God, not more football? World Cup day 12

You know I'm supposed to be writing about television, Doctor Who, Mock the week and great documentaries on BBC 4 and Channel 4 , but I can't seem to make the time to watch much after all that football every day. I promise in the next few days to throw in some Coronation Street and of course review the John Lennon film on this Wednesday. Even my cooking has suffered to where I just throw stuff in a pan or a casserole and hope it tastes good and lasts a few days. My Father and my wife will have to wait till the day after the final before I'm back in with the pies, sauces and roasts they come to expect from me. Till then its mundane risottos and Thai chicken and  noodles for them

But as long as I was ever able to get away with it, every two years I take a month off from the rest of life to enjoy either the World Cup or Euro. And this year I get to do this in grand style. Got the match on telly and the laptop handy to obsess over it all with my whovian mates. Now you have to wonder what that's like. Are Who anoraks any different from the regular supporter in a pub or a park? Well on the surface no, they bang on about players , positions, reputations and have the same preconceived notions that drive their passions and team selections. Where they differ is the humour. Your regular supporter will make the usual puns, unflattering remarks and occasional play on words. Our little group have scaled the heights of wit and culture to include references to Vladimir Illych Lenin, beards, The Fabian society, Lord of the Rings,  the labour leadership race, philosophers, latin, various Doctor Who episodes , monsters, doctors, writers , Rassilon, Archimedes, Greek mythology, and of course Brian Blessed. Some of the humour is a bit low brow I will admit, but occasionally it is quote worthy and you will see it in more than a few blogs. In other cases we keep the fun to ourselves, as frankly it would be like telling advanced accounting jokes to a Vogon constructor fleet captain. And if Mick McCarthy or Adrian Chiles knew what we were saying about them!...Our worst(or best) material is the "spirit of the moment stuff" where we use place names, countries and players to construct complex attempts at double entendre sentences. You may have seen a fairly easy one today from the Argentina match. it said "Don't messi with the Greeks". Now if the football wasn't  of such a low quality that we were driven to such distraction , we wouldn't need our precious football thread, as it is, there have been days one could have gone  barking mad with boredom or simply fallen asleep and missed entire matches. Thank God for Gallifrey Base.

Now as you should know, today was the first day of double booked matches, so I won't be going into as much detail as I might usually. Except for the occasional highlight , I missed the Mexico Uruguay match having eschewed it for France South Africa. I got the drama I expected, I got the pathos the sense of history and the ultimate humiliation of a great team by it's own manager. Domenech left on the bench Evra, Malouda and Henri. The lacklustre performance that had France down 2-0 by the 40th minute was both expected and sad. You saw a demoralized  side that was barely there struggling to stay interested in the manager's instructions. Then in the second half , with Malouda  subbed in a bit earlier, Thiery Henri came on and that was it for South Africa. The Ribery Malouda Henri combination galvanized the French and they scored in the 70th minute. Given more time I'm sure they would even have drawn.  I feel terrible for the French players who could only hope to snatch a bit of dignity from a situation I would not wish on my worst enemy. In the end, it finished 2-1 and the South African players and French players exchanged shirts and genuinely warm greetings. Too bad Raymond Domenech  could not help himself with one last bit of disgusting behaviour, having shook hands with most everybody else, he refused to do the same with the South African manager.  Now in case you're from another planet, it's the football equivalent of spitting at somebody. You don't do it and you if you do, they better be worthy of the insult. One hopes the nasty little troll retires to his cave never to be seen again. You have to wonder what we would have seen this World Cup from France if he'd been sacked in '06 like he was supposed to be. As for the South Africans, they were a great team that really did give it their all. The fact is that they could not and should not have advanced any further than the group stage. When they have a better developed domestic league and can produce footballers like Ghana or Algeria, they will be ready to play with the big boys. Classy till the end, I can honestly say it was fun seeing them play.

For the second match I did not choose wisely, I thought not unreasonably, Argentina Greece would be a ripping time. A match for the ages, a match about which epic songs would be sung. How wrong I was, Greece parked the bus and shut down a timid Argentine offence for the entire 1st half and the better part of the 2nd half. Considering that a draw still had Greece exiting, you would think they would have tried to bring the game to Messi and co, but no they just passed the time doing as little as was needed to not be beaten but no more than that. Makes you wonder what they could have done if they had applied themselves. Like all such sides, Greece was soon opened up and except for Messi who could not score to save his life , the game came alive in the last 20 minutes  ending with a 2-0 score line. Maradona did a funny little dance you have to see to believe and that was it. Argentina will go far and their next victims will surely not be so lucky as to last 70 minutes on the defensive I didn't watch Nigeria South Korea but  you have to see this lowlight . Yakubu makes the biggest miss in World Cup history , sending a sitter wide from in front of the net.  watch it HERE , Ok so he redeemed himself with the pen  but the goal would have sent Nigeria into the group of 16 .

For England tomorrow is the big day, we play Slovenia in a do or die game that's going to either unleash the furry of every England supporter or make them squirm quietly as they tolerate the situation for the sake of the lads in hopes that somehow we do the impossible and win the the big prize. I don't think for a minute we'll do well , the pitch is not perfect , we're under pressure and we could get a card happy ref like we saw earlier this week. So much can go wrong that I will just sit quietly at first and hope they don't screw up. Anything after, that sees us not going out will be accepted with humility and  caution . Any of you who start the we're number one bolloks should be sedated and sent to rehab, just be happy we are still in it. one game at a time and we can maybe get through this without going completely mad.

see you all tomorrow with more World Cup news .

And the Mountains crumbled into the sea...Siesmic World cup day

Who knew when we woke up to day  that the world as we know it would be hit by a tsunami of bad luck and incredible stupidity. I know what you're thinking, and yes it's tragic that the alarm clock didn't go off and I missed the first half of Honduras Chile. It gets worse, Gallifrey Base, home of the Whovian football secret cave, crashed and burned. We reckon it's the Lord thy God Moffat having his revenge on some people for leaking a  massive spoiler the other day. You cannot imagine the chaos of over 40 nerds attempting to access a site that refuses to be accessed. We spent the better part of the day polluting two mates Face book stati like lost lambs wondering where the field had gone.  I shudder to think what will happen to us if Gallifrey Base is still offline when England Kick off. The tragic collapse of our home on the internet did not stop the World Cup, and  believe me, if you missed any of it , you missed possibly the best day so far. Clangers, spectacular saves goals and shambollic displays of bad judgement and tragic heroes.

Why don't we start with the tragic hero. Today was very possibly Thiery Henry's last  shot at International footballing glory. Pity Domenech didn't use him, Henry surely couldn't have been any worse than the collection of talent that simply didn't show up on the day. To be honest I think their bodies showed up but the spirit of France was left behind in a locker room somewhere in Paris. The French squad never threatened to score or scare Mexico, it was like the will to live had been sapped out of them. At one point you saw players like Evra Anelka and Malouda , standing around like grazing sheep. What we witnessed was not a poor side but a side that is adrift. Now some of you say Karma, I say, yeah sure it should have been Ireland . That said, Domenech has been well past his sell by date for years. He has never known how to use his players. Going as far back as Euro 2004, this tactical genius played people out of position and wondered why they weren't producing results.How he has held on to his job is beyond belief. Even before the crash and burn of today, this man was the most hated man in all of France. I can only wonder what the mob will be thinking when he sneaks home by the back door. Not only did Mexico a not bad side, dismantle the World Cup Champions of 1998, it humiliated them 2-0, decisively beating the stuffing out of the frankly at sea French . Thiery Henry was the picture of  misery for the entire team. Domenech went to extraordinary lengths to publicly make the former footballer of the year feel like a broken unwanted cripple. Now he may not have got a lot matches at his club Barcelona this year, but you surely could have used him to try and stem the tide when it was obvious you needed all hands at the pump. If that is the way we are to remember the hero of Highbury, then I am deeply saddened. A mate of mine pointed out the following.... in the 2002 world cup France drew 0-0 with Uruguay, in 2010 drew 0-0 with Uruguay, lost 2-0 to Denmark in 2002 tonight they lost 2-0 to Mexico in 2002 they lost 1-0 to Senegal what are the odds they'll lose to south Africa 1-0 on Tuesday. I'm sure Ladbrooke's has odds on that. If that does happen it's good all around, South Africa get to win a match but they don't advance past the group stage. Seeing how convenient it would be for all concerned, watch France draw or even win.

The other train wreck of a match was Greece v  Nigeria, If I said the French were moving slowly , what the Greeks did looked like a slow motion video where only the ball seemed to be at normal speed. Nigeria was in control from the opening kick off and would have gone on to take the match convincingly until midfielder Sani Kaita decided to scupper it all by giving an unprovoked studs up kick to a Greek player. The till then placid Greeks took a few minutes to wake up and dispatch a 10 man Nigeria 2-1. In a self inflicted wound, Nigeria has surely tumbled out the World Cup prematurely to a team that until then, had never ever won a world cup match.  If this was a premiership side, the front office would even now be releasing a statement declaring it's full confidence in  Kaita and that they have no intention of terminating his contract. Pack your bags lad, will be a good long time before anybody wants you . The fact that probably one of the best hopes of an African team getting out of the group stages was also burned, is doubly tragic. My Algerian mate speaks for most Africans when he tells me they are tired of never seeing an African club in the final. For Nigeria to remove themselves like this will not endear them to their fans. A minor detaill but absolutely true, today the vuvuzelas were quiet for such long stretches  the visiting Mexican supporters got to sing and chant. Told a mate about this and he accuse me and another guy of lying just to trick him into turning up the volume. Are you listening FIFA?

Now what can I say about Argentina South Korea? 3-1 romp by Maradona and boys over a  strong but outclassed South Korean team. Argentina have to be considered strong contenders for the final 8. Mad Diego Maradona who had to explain today he did not fancy men, has a special relationship with his players. Did you see Diego handle the ball? Bonkers.You can see how they will do anything for him, even if he's not the smartest tactician or the brightest bulb in the room. Argentina will play as a single organism wanting to win the whole thing I'm sure.. Then again Masherano might loose his head and do a Kiata. As i've said before, it's a funny old game.

Speaking of funny, the weather at the venues has got so inclement that locals and visitors are sporting winter gear. Apparently the cold temps are the reason most locals have avoided the matches leaving vast sections of stands empty.

The footie Gods not content to deliver the most bizarre day to date, also allowed us to sort out the rest of the year. Yes the fixtures list came out today. With it, we can plan birthdays , anniversaries  doctor's visits.and synchronize flying visits to Mum with away matches.  So what goodies are in store for us ? I'm glad you asked.  We get to play Manchester United AWAY in our season opener.  Sounds daunting I know, but the optimist in me reckons  that last year in the same fixture, Wigan drew Manchester United 0-0. So why not us. Speaking of hopeless causes, our World Cup campaign resumes with a match against Algeria. I would think we should be able to take them, but it will be up to the keepers. Rumour has it that Green will be replaced by David Calamity James. Surely he can't be any worse, can he?  Fingers crossed and tomorrow I won't be writing this through clenched fists and gnashing teeth.