Ian Holloway v Wayne Rooney, BBC budget cuts and Breast cancer

It's been a while since a did a post that covered a multitude of vaguely related things. Just today my in box has  given me grist for the mill and yesterday I made a discovery that shocked even me. Then of course there's a multitude of tiny bits and bobs worth passing on that don't frankly fit in to any of the usual Strictly, Masterchef or History posts.

I may as well reveal the shocking news first. I who have sworn to never watch The One Show as I thought it to be just a step away from bizzaro telly for the truly odd, have become a convert. There's something appealing about the new hosts Jason Manford and Alex Jones that makes the segment where Salman Rushdie plays table tennis seem less surreal. The informative pieces that I'll admit were also on the old One Show, seem to fit better now that the hosts don't seem to be sharing a brain cell. There are in fact three people who are a near guarantee to make me switch channels if they are on a chat show.... James Corden, Adrian Chiles and Katie Price, together these three make almost a whole personality. Perhaps it is the insensitivity and near total lack of knowledge emanating from Mr Chiles that so repelled me from the One Show, but with him gone , the segments worthy of BBC4 are truly informative and entertaining. All my favourite BBC4 presenters seem to be doing a short film a week for them, and  it doesn't seem as pointless now that we don't have interviews in which Yo Yo Ma will be asked for his favourite Lady Gaga track or if he thinks she's a tranny. 

Another chat show that has taken us by storm is the Rob Brydon Show. Normally a comedian with two chairs and a musical guest falls flat on his face as he or she will just end up interviewing the same dreary list of celebs Wossy used to get. But not our Welsh dynamo. He's got a small room, fewer than 200 people in. This intimate setting insures that no person sitting in a chair is immune from interrogation by the host and must be on his or her toes. Guests are mostly drawn from a combination of iconic British personalities to rising stars of comedy and drama. What I consider the icing on the cake, is that Rob Brydon is in fact not a bad singer, and will sit in with musical guests for a bit of a jam session. Guests of late have included Seasick Steve and Paloma Faith. If you like indie pop and music outside of the x factor production line, you will enjoy the segments. Brydon  has filled the void that once was the near exclusive domain of Graham Norton .

So why don't I watch Graham Norton anymore? Besides being off the air at the minute, his guest list had got so polluted with visiting Americans who needed everything explained to them  and the strange allowance of Jedward, TWICE, as well as apparently regular visits by James Corden, that I could not bear to turn on the telly. This sort of booking has replaced his previously entertaining range of comedians, actors, authors, freaks and funny misfits who knitted, made strange toys or channelled dead pets. Since He moved to BBC1 and Jonathan Ross lost his show, the BBC have tried to get Norton to take up the Ross mantle along with his guest list, in the process stripping him of any remaining charm.

In the it sucks to be you department, universally loved NUFC hero Andy Carroll, who is now living with Kevin Nolan under terms of his bail from assault charges, has had his brand new chrome-plated Range Rover burned to a crisp while parked in the drive. Graffiti expressing above mentioned love was found nearby . Joining Caroll this week in the race to see who is more "loved", is Wayne Rooney. He made Alex Ferguson look deeply disappointed and hurt beyond words on Sky sports. While no one will want to burn Wayne's car, I think he wins the twat of the week and the month award. Football has gone wrong when a single player and his agent can hold the the club hostage like that. If he's going to sit and sulk till January and bugger off on a free, then shame on him and the people who think this is ok. Ian Holloway got it right today when he raged at the players and agents who are now bigger than even the biggest clubs. What arrogance, what hubris, what a shame. What is the point of a contract when it means nothing, what is the point of training up a player only to have him throw his toys out the pram and leave when HE's done with YOU!?This rant was so good it made the Russell Howard show

Speaking of tits, some dim bulb with a computer has sent me an e-mail letting me know I've won £500,000. To collect I only had to send an e-mail to "Dear Graham Poll at graham.poll6@gmail.com". If that didn't work I got a second one telling me to use graham.poll9. If you get one of these, don't respond, you're only telling them you have an active e-mail address. Best comedy line of last week goes to visiting American comedienne on Qi XL Animals , when she stopped Ross Noble to ask him "Are you speaking English?". I also learned that if ever meet a honey badger, I should be wearing a steel jock strap.  Want a super power? Get bit by a radioactive hag fish and acquire the skill to ooze mucus at will, very cool and useful as well in a tight spot. Get it, tight?

Now if you are good soul and want to give to breast cancer awareness, may I suggest you avoid buying pink branded foods, products and other such crass commercial grasping and give directly to the charity. If you like cheese and the pink wrapped cheese is the one you would have bought normally, go right ahead, but for pity's sake, don't encourage this fake marketing  by buying a product from a company that will give a fraction of what you spent to the cause in question. Take note that you care about the cause, keep going , then when you get home, give something through paypal or write a cheque. And on that subject, we are a month away from Children in Need.  Start checking your finances now to make sure you have something to give on the 19th of November.

Spooks has been chugging along nicely. In last week's ep we learn the new commodity will be fresh water  and that there is a new world that resembles the old one of the pre-ideological days, when nations did war unto each other by stealing industrial secrets and attempting to shore their own economies at the expense of others. We also wondered just how bent Lucas was going to be; very it turns out, having set up some drone passing him in hall way. Loved his line where says  " We can be together, I've fixed things". When the fall comes, it will be spectacular. This weeks ep had the President of the United States, oddly referred to as the leader of the free World, chairing yet another doomed to failure, peace conference about the Arab-Israeli conflict. In a fresh twist, it takes a turn at stating the obvious, mainly that ultra religious elements in Israel are far from interested in peace before they get their nationalist agenda firmly in place. One of the most annoying things about the story was that I had so wanted to dislike the Home Secretary, but he turns out have a soul after all.

Speaking of the current government, the spending cuts at the BBC are on the one hand, not as bad as they could have been, and on the other hand still terrible. Or as my mate Keith Topping said, "It's better to loose only one leg instead of the two". The fact is that 16% of operating budget is being taken out of original programming. BBC News and the Welsh service that used to be paid by government departments are now paid for out of the main BBC budget. That budget by the way  frozen now for several years. So it you're nostalgic for the cheap special effects of 70's Doctor who, then wait a few months and you'll be right at home. Merlin has already seriously downgraded it's FX budget from last year with obvious results. I may not say it all the time, but I LOVE THE BBC. If I take away the few programmes I watch on ITV  ( Corrie, the occasional special crime drama and football), I'm left with a huge amount of telly I still watch. In fact if you took away my BBC, I'd be left with nothing.  One hopes that a few Lib Dem  or Tory MPs are caught in a scandal or are too ill to work, It won't take but a handful of seats to bring the whole rotten house of cards coalition down.

I'll close this with a massive praise of Mark Gatiss and his History of Horror of a less detestable kind. It has been a joy to watch, taking us step by step by step through the fascinating , sometimes forgotten sometimes unknown parts of the the story of Horror cinema. I was a boy all over again, watching Frankenstein, Dracula, then moving on to my teens, the Hammer films which I was finally old enough to see. Because of this series I've had to make a list of must watch again  and must watch for the first time classic horror films. I need to see the wax museum films, never seen Freaks, and I've forgotten  more Hammer films than I've watched new films in the last 10 years. I love how Gatiss explores the Luton buses or shows us how Bray studios reinvented the genre with it's more urbane, sexy  and bloody monsters. BTW, I'm with Luton, I'd much rather make up my own monsters, seeing them sometimes  just makes you laugh, robbing the whole build up of any tension and fear. There is one more instalment left covering the Texas chain saw massacre era to now, an era frankly I found far too bloody and macabre without ever telling a story. Zombie films will also get a shout, so if you fear the walking dead, get your trusty shovel, make sure nobody around you is dead and lock the door.

Happy telly people, and don't forget, if there's nowt on telly, go for a walk, read a book or talk to your significant other. Me, I'm off to see if her indoors would like to do something other than stay in for the night.

Has Wayne Rooney betrayed Alex Ferguson?

Before I say another word I need to reiterate the bleedin obvious... My first team is Newcastle United and my second is England. Who I choose to support for the top prize every year varies from year to year, but is never ever Chelsea.

In the last 48 hours, we have heard the rumours then the confirmation that Wayne Rooney would not be staying with Manchester United. Tonight I saw a sad confused and betrayed man on Sky sports talking about Rooney, trying not to show just how hurt he was. I remember back in the mists of time when young Wayne was still a Toffee, and he was considering a move for the good of his career. Back then, even though I thought Everton were getting a raw deal, I agreed Man U was the best place for him to go. He would learn his craft under the watchful eyes of a master of football. He would be surrounded by the best equipment and the best footballing minds that weren't already working for Arsenal or Chelsea.  After what seemed an eternity to Everton fans, but only a few weeks for the rest of us, Wayne Rooney was a Red Devil.

Since that time he has kissed the badge, professed his love for the Gaffer and the team. He's even become a fixture in the City of Manchester. All that work and attention took a quick to anger young man and turned him , for a while, into a man who could play football spectacularly well. He regularly punished my beloved Newcastle United with blistering evil goals scored from as far away as 40 feet. He became one of the few footballers I truly enjoyed watching. And when he played for England, it was the the high points of a game, even when he was red carded.  Surely you cannot become that player without the development and trust you get from an organisation like Manchester United.

If there had been trouble off pitch that involved some battle of wills between him and the club, I would understand, but if anything , the club has done all it could to give him games, and protection from the sorts of risks, football related and press related that most players never seem to get. His odd behaviour with prostitutes at least twice now and before getting married, as well as the attitude after the England exit from the World Cup, certainly pointed to trouble in paradise. I'd say it about money but it's not is it? Even his agent was taken aback. I honestly believe Wayne Rooney has talked himself into some kind of catastrophic corner.

If I'm honest, I don't think I've missed him at Man U or England of late. Plenty of players have filled the gaps and he's been revealed to be expendable. Who in their right mind will take on this powder keg of anger and inconsistency?  I'll glass you if you say Newcastle! Despite our record of taking on troubled players, there's no way Mike Ashley would shell out the money for a rotten asset like him. Real Madrid seems a likely place, as most ex Man United players who've crossed the boss seem to go to. But besides them, I don't see any team willing to give him a chance after his last antics.

Regardless of what does happen to him in the next few months, I have lost a great deal of respect for somebody who used to be a pillar of the community and an example of  sporting good form and loyalty of the old school. As it turns out, he's no better than Tevez and Ronaldo and all the other mercenaries who've passed through the EPL in recent years. He/they have forgotten who pays their wages and without whom they would still be lorry drivers and fisherman in isolated villages. I have been watching and playing football most of my life, but this year has been harder than most to get up the desire to watch these over paid,  over privileged  pansies play football for the fans. Perhaps Newcastle was better off in fizzy pop. At least there, the pressure of getting in players worth more than some countries GDP wasn't ruining a century old tradition.

Getting back to Mr. Rooney  though, he's displayed the gratitude and loyalty of a Katie Price. What Alex Ferguson wanted was reasons and some kind of rationale that made sense. He's got  none of either. Wayne Rooney looks to be in a headlong rush into chaos, and one senses it is mostly of his own doing. Yet again football has taken a fine talent and muddled his head with fame and wealth, blinding him to the very people who took him in hand for his own good.

In the end, Manchester United have no choice but to sell him to the highest bidder in the January transfer window. Only problem is, will he be worth anything by then? The self destructive behaviour is making Michael Owen look a prize by comparison.

It was nice knowing you Wayne, but if you keep this up, the best you can do for all concerned is to piss off home and never play again. The two I feel sorry for  most are Coleen and the bairn, a child needs father and a wife needs a trustworthy partner. Instead they have a mixed up un happy and confused ball of angry 12 year old.

Yes, Wayne Rooney has betrayed Sir Alex Ferguson, Manchester United, England Football, as well as all of us

You're forgiven for now Wayne & the Pandorica opens

So yesterday I asked if it could get any worse. Shock of shocks, the Earth didn't open up and swallow us, the rains did not come down like righteous anger from the Gods and nobody had a supernaturally bad day at the World Cup. Wayne Rooney even apologized for being a twat on camera. It's Ok Wayne, we know you're not famous for having the wisdom and patience of the Mahatma Ghandi. Hell even he had the occasional off day. So if you and the rest of the England squad don't stink up the park next Wednesday, we might even return to normal service.

So what did happen today? we had three matches , two were brilliant end to end stuff and one was reminiscent but not quite as interesting as watching the bit at the awards ceremony when the accountants come out to explain how the voting works.  Holland Japan was technically perfect, Holland enjoyed over 70% possession and Japan frankly didn't show up. So how you ask me  was it possible for the scoreline to be 1-0? Very easy. Unlike Our own lads the day before, the Dutch super stars who populate some of the best clubs in Europe and England, decided to take the path of least resistance. They played pass the ball for a bit , then they did it some more. At some point the manager noticed they hadn't scored a goal yet so signalled the need for them to perhaps try.  For a few minutes the match came to life and Sneijder put one in at the 83 minute where upon they they promptly went back to sleep. Now I'm not for a minute suggesting there is some kind of contractual obligation for teams to provide entertaining footie. I even understand that you get to the next stage as best you can, but honestly,  football of the living dead was a bit much. If they hope to put Argentina or Germany ( should they make it out) to sleep with this , it may more likely turn around and bite them in the ass. Holland can play some strikingly delicious football before they habitually fold like a house of cards to the Germans, it's what we expect of them, so why the sleep walking act? I suspect it was more a desire to protect players from injury ahead of the next stage.

Ghana Australia was another matter entirely . Comedy gold that was. Australia was awash in controversy over if Harry Kewell was going to play or not. Well he did . We even had a pool as to how long he would stay on before he was gone. I had 34 minutes, as it is he was sent off on 23 minutes. Handball if you're curious, a few more inches it would have been his chest and he'd have been a hero. He even argued the card and had to be escorted off the pitch. Kewell aside, both  teams played to win and a 10 man Australia barely showed signs they were even bothered by what would have crippled a lesser side. Lots of chances going both ways, great goal keeping. Some of us even wondered if we could just dispense with a search for a new keeper and offer Schwarzer a British passport. In the end it was a 1-1 draw with both teams deserving the single point. An entertaining match  that went by so fast you never really did  notice the passage of time.

The last match of the day was the equally entertaining but ultimately sad Cameroon v Denmark . The 2-1 result belies the effort both teams put in. A galaxy of current, past and future Premiership stars fought it out in the best flowing match perhaps of the entire tournament. Both keepers were outstanding and the pace was electric. The strategy was to win and not be too worried about leaking goals. The end result was an end to end contest filled with spectacular shots hits and tackles. Samuel Eto Nicholas Bendtner and Rohmedahl each scored. To be honest, Cameroon deserved to win on the strength of frankly unlucky shots on the Danish goal and brilliant goal keeping. A gutted group of Lions are gannin yem while Denmark soldier on into the knock out round. Cameroon should be proud of  the level of play and quality they showed neutrals. While they will have preferred to win, at least they go out in style fighting to the last. Would all the matches be this good , I wouldn't have nodded off as often as I have.

The lowlight of the day had to be the following exchange...which sent me to the kitchen to make my tea rather than have to hear the rest of what would  surely be  the worst commentary since I sat next to a bunch of charvs discussing the merits of popular culture. BBC 's best said the following..."Anyone seen Space Jam? You know, that movie where all the superstar basketball players lose their abilities and a bunch of nobodies end up becoming the best basketball players in the world. Basically, I'm expecting a Bill Murray cameo around the quarter finals." . I couldn't make this stuff up. In a further sign of things to come, we had a BBC screen sans the scoreline or the time for the first few minutes. And In further surrealist developments, the Big Sulk Anelka apparently told Domenech to make love to himself, though probably not as politely as I just put it, as a result he's on the next flight home to water the plants and sort out his recycling. No worries Nic , nobody thinks you did the wrong thing.

Here a few gems from today's idle banter. My thanks to somebody's father and his text messages.The England Squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "it's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Jamai Umboto, aged 6'  And:  "Oxo are introducing a white Oxo cube with a red cross on it, as a tribute to the England football team. It's called The Laughing Stock.".

Mock the week is back, and I finally go to see it two days later. I swear I think 6.5 hours of telly a day is about the limit a human can take. Even ringers have to take a break when doing the extended dvd LOTR marathon ( not including appendices) at about the 6 hour point. I could feel my eyes trying to glower at me unsuccessfully. Best they could do was water up and sting in a slightly stroppy manner. Where was I? Mock the week, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons joined by guests Diane Morgan, Milton Jones and Chris Addison kicked off the new series in grand style. You could tell they had weeks of material just bursting to be used. I can't wait for the out-takes reel to see the stuff they left behind. The Green howler was dealt with in typical sensitive MTW fashion and the new Condem government was raked over the coals in a tip to Mr. Cameron that he won't be getting any votes from these comedians. I have missed this programme so much, so pleased it's back just in time to take our minds off the troubles on the pitch.

Last treat today was the first part of an all star cast of monsters, friends and companions in The Pandorica Opens. Vincent, Winston and other assorted characters from the latest series of Doctor Who conspired to get a message to Matt Smith that he's in mortal danger of some kind. I won't tell you what happens, you need to watch it yourself, but I can tell you this. "Pandorica opens" is a throwback to the great adventure serials you used to hear on radio or watch on telly. Stonehenge sits atop a secret chamber complete with cobwebs and decaying monsters trying to kill you while you decode the secret message before it's too late. Nothing is at seems while the writers keep tickling the funny bone with scenes you would have found in the funny bits of Indiana Jones. But it's not all laughs my friends, keep a box of tissue handy for a poignant reunion. The ep ends on a shocking note that will have older viewers remembering the way Flash Gordon or Batman used to get into trouble. Will the Doctor get out of this one? Will it all end badly for Amy? Will River Song destroy time and space? Tune in next Saturday --- Same Bat Time, same Bat-channel!

As always, this post brought to you by BBC Radio Newcastle's Nick Roberts and Beat Surrender, you can hear the latest programme HERE.