Just one more cup of tea, then I'll start

Sometimes it's just really hard to get going, so far I've made several cups of  tea, had a bath, watched the news, eaten two bowls of corn flakes and googled online eps of The Nanny.   In fairness I am recovering from the month of August during which both my wife and I hardly had a break from making home made noodles for local Muslims during Ramadan. It takes a lot  of time and energy to make 4 or 5 kilos overnight, leaving you knackered and craving your bed till at least noon or 2 in the afternoon. Multiply this 15 to 20 times over 30 days and you begin to realize just how drained the batteries are.

The last time I felt sufficiently moved to rise out of the noodle induced stupor, I wrote a scathing indictment of all that is wrong with Miracle Day, the latest and possibly worst, longest and most pointless Torchwood offering. Since then I've come close to commenting on Libyan affairs twice, reviewing Doctor Who, wondering aloud if Sci Fi as we knew it even 10 years ago has changed beyond all recognition.  I even had considered writing about the current series of The Great British Bake off.

But I never got any closer than several pots of tea, cleaning my desk twice, preparing several epic meals, going for walks and throwing dirty laundry into baskets. At one point I had even tidied the rubbish bins and reorganized the pantry.  So why the block I wondered, what was keeping me from writing again. Well I could discount the tired to some extent, as in fact I had at least since the last week of August, gone back to watching quality and sometimes less edifying telly. We had a Shameless marathon that took us from the first time Frank Gallagher graced our screens to the rise of the Maguires as the defenders of Chatsworth. Estate. As I said before, I even watched Miracle Day for a bit till it made me want to poke my eyes out of boredom and frustration. In between all of that, were great films on BBC and C4, Outnumbered came back and of course The Rob Brydon Show till just this week brought a gleam of hope to the usually dreary world of chat shows. And if that wasn't enough, we haven't missed a Doctor Who, Top Gear or the footie, such as it was.

"8-2 Brute?" Julius Caesar

I say such as it was, but Man U spanking Arsenal comprehensively 8-2 is the sort of  match you don't soon forget, regardless who you support. To quote a mate of mine ( Keith Telly Topping ok). He'd rather see Northern scum beat Southern scum if it comes down to choosing. but I still had to feel just a bit sorry for the Gunners. The worst result in 116 years, having the rot so plainly show, I suspect even Alex Ferguson thought that there had to be a point where honour was satisfied and the ref could have blown the whistle. I reckon somewhere 10 minutes after the restart would have been the point when the coup de grace would have been appreciated by the North London daycare side that Wenger fielded. Even now I'm looking forward to the England Wales qualifier later today, having missed the disgusting behaviour during the Bulgaria match. In case you're wondering  how I could have passed up such an interesting fixture? I could tell you it sounded boring and that I had better things to do, but the truth is I fell asleep on the setee and missed the entire day.

So I hear some of you wondering out loud how it is I wasn't able to rise even once since my Torchie review despite being thrown a bone when forced to watch 5 minutes of the latest candidate for worst UK game show ever ( Thanks again  Mr Topping) ... EPIC WIN. This exercise in annoying made Don't scare the hare, ....ermmm look less shit than it actually is. I watched a butcher identify meat with his feet. Seems all games and game shows at the BBC now need to rhyme. Surely this would of been just the thing that the doctor ordered to break the writing duck, but no, I wasn't moved, not even after seeing the host call on the pop up co-compare in a white suit make insipid jokes and be so embarrassing that small children would think they were at a particularly bad panto.

I can only assume that my biggest stumbling block was the fear that once started, I'd have to dive back in to another season of Srictly reviews and pretend to care what happens to talentless charvs and hapless chef wana be's who's big talent is stacking chips in the shape of a log cabin. Is that really all there is??? I sincerely hope not. While I can always turn to Dave, Yesterday  or even ( GASP) ITV 4 for old Sweeneys, I despair of the state of British telly when the best on offer is Top Gear, Doctor Who, Sherlock and a few decent crime dramas and maybe the occasional comedy. This Summer was supposed to be full of great filler  to while away the long hot  mystery months when there is no football. Instead we got a few half hearted efforts from BBC4 that placated the more intellectual among us, but below the medulla oblongatta, where Ideal, The IT crowd or Big Brother for Posh people ( Apprentice), live, there was a gaping hole of repeats and uninspired "hilarious" programmes from the same minds that gave us the truly awful Big Top.

I will freely admit to being addicted to the Libyan revolution and the news stations that one has to watch to be up to date with it. Big winner here is Al Jazeera English. A  brilliant station that has kept me abreast of important things like cricket, football and  English looters while also and importantly, providing me with obsessively detailed reports on battles, diplomatic moves and now the reconstruction of the new Libya. I'm sure the BBC has had much the same thing, but Al Jazeera was all too often too hard to turn off long enough to find out. Kudos to Sky News for having the first live pictures out of the newly liberated Tripoli and Martyr Square. It takes a special kind of crazy to get that kind of job done.

Sign the petition NOW if you haven't yet

Or it could have been the sudden appearance on Face Book of the petition to stop the powers that be from dumbing down BBC 4 in a move explained as an "economy" motivated policy. Why would anybody want to dumb down BBC4? Since when is it a criticism to say a programme or a station is TOO smart? What prize idiot at the BBC or the Government considered for even a second the possibility of  cutting funding to the flagship station in the BBC crown? As bread winner, BBC 4 does more work on a quarter of the budget that the brain dead BBC 3 gets. BBC4 provides 80 % of all English language programming to educational stations across the globe. Then even more translate the shows and spend even more at the BBC. And if that wasn't enough , these servants of Jeremy *unt want to stop broadcasting quality  foreign language material like The Killing, Wallander and Spirale. .

What ever happened to Leon Trotsky?

Is it any wonder I hadn't had the spirit, the energy or the desire to dive back in? A few extra quid in the account from writing would help, but this too will come one day, till then, one must endeavour to continue to endeavour. OK, this it it, I'll write those reviews right after I've read the news paper, had another cup of tea and fed the cat.

As per usual, this and all other entries written under the influence of the most excellent Beat Surrender, still channelling The Stranglers, The Pistols The Pogues and Ian Drury on BBC Radio Newcastle. Catch Nick Roberts online by clicking on BBC Radio Newcastle  Saturday listen again section, look for Beat Surrender.

Pudsy bear laughs, let downs and comedy

Good morning dear readers and slaves to the rhythm, Wasn't Pudsy's day out yet another cracker.....If you liked bands like McFly . Not withstanding the dreck for the ears, Take that were ok and our Kylie was fabulous, I mean how old is she and she looks like that and sings like that, made Pixie Lot look like a an old hag. Same old tired West End shows trotted out the trannies and the stylised dance numbers, John Barrowman wore a suit only he could carry off without deep embarrassment and most importantly, lorry loads of money was collected for the most deserving and vulnerable in society. The Doctor Who picnic was cute and the preview a bit clinical, a fellow blogger told me the brats were annoying and he didn't like the little kids either. I suppose even for Pudsy it was a bit saccharine.  At least now we know we'll be seeing Doctor Who does A Christmas Carol, because everybody else has done it. Last decent takes were Bill Murray in Scrooged and the Black Adder version. I suspect I will be disappointed as most of the Christmas Who specials were never much to write home about. It will however do me for my Who fix no matter how underwhelming it be.I won't lie, if you should so much as try to disturb at broadcast time I will defriend you in a nano second. It's been so long I would even watch Paradise Towers again. Here's a treat from past CIN shows... The 1985 CIN Who clip

Sir Terry of Wogan was well cool with his wit intact and he seemed to not fall asleep at all or be put off by the horde of screaming girls who thought they could shout out rude things or wolf whistle and get JLS to take notice of them. I of course muted them,  even the cat was shocked by them, and that Burque woman, great outfit, horrible song. Yes I'm not a fan of the music. Give me The Pogues any day , Christy Mccall or Maximo Park or the undertones , I can go on , But I'm not even sure I can tolerate wee Joe Mc Eldery some days.So what he's from South Shields, I'd rather get a root canal than listen to the entire cd. Oh for the days when bands I recognized sang music I liked. Which begs the question, why don't the Kaiser Chiefs or The Killers ever do these shows? Oh yeah 14 year old girls don't want to have sex with them. High point of the amateur variety had to be the annual News Presenters song, not nearly as shambolic as last year... look for it in the highlight reels.

Not sure how much was raised , but our fiver is defo going to a good cause. Was it my imagination or was there a segment for disadvantaged yoofs and handicapped kids joining the circus to get out of trouble?Last year it was about carers of whom I am one, this year it was all bit more tragic.

Did anybody notice the near complete lack of ITV input this year , barring the most excellent East Street and the murdering by the Loose women of a Girls Aloud song.  Which is not to say the BBC input was all that mind blowing. Your telling us that Sherlock couldn't do something or Miranda? or Qi or Mock the week?Ok so there's not a lot of family friendly light stuff on the Beeb at the minute but having called on the Hairy Bikers who did a most excellent air frying pan and Strictly gave us some decent dance , it should have been up to ITV to step up with more. Though I can see how they might have trouble. Nobody watches the Breakfast show starring former One Show rats and were it not for Katie Price and X factor, ITV would have to broadcast test patterns. Still better than watching I'm a has been, make me shove reptiles down my pants. Watch all or parts of Children in Need 2010

I was hoping the football would give me a bit of a lift from the mild disappointment of Friday night, but to no avail. Arsenal urinated away the chance to go top of the table and my own beloved Newcastle United were torn to pieces 5-1, well at least Andy Caroll scored a goal, The rest of the match is something I will work hard to forget in short order.  Still in search of a well deserved smile, I then looked forward to a glittering night of dance in Blackpool.  Despite the shite shower of unpleasantness via Doris Karloff, and the incredibly rude in studio crowd, the evening was a delight to behold with some stellar efforts by the top 5 dancers ( full review here). Despite the controversy surrounding a certain ex MP and delusional OAP, Strictly is still worth watching if you park your higher brain functions at the door. I look at it as an exercise in attrition in which the credibility of the programme slowly drains away while the best dancers shvitz their way to survival to avoid the Grim Reaper of  the great unwashed voting. Some brilliant dancing is yet to come and you should not miss it.

Which brings me to Sunday night. After the bitter but predictable disappointment of seeing Bendy Felicity hoyyed off at 8pm we waited for the most excellent Garrow's Law ( review to come) which of course was exactly what we expected, a perfect combination of costume soap and modern courtroom drama. Really , if you haven't watched it yet, I have to wonder what you're waiting for. Following Garrow's Law, mostly because I couldn't be bothered to turn off the telly, the lovely Mishal Husain kept us company while the tea mashed and I sorted out just which cheese we'd have for a late snack.

So armed with tea and cheese, The Impressions Show  kicked off and wellllll, in 30 minutes I laughed only once, never once tittered or had an ironic smile. Just becuase you do sort of accurate impressions does not mean you are funny. On the old Vogon Poetry scale of bad, this show still stays at the somnabulistic  horridness of  5, where it's not so bad you want to turn it off lest you injure your brain, but you can't imagine ever watching it again.  Pity such talent is wasted on below average writing. The problem with the Impressions show is simple, I don't want to see occasional near perfect copies of people on telly do stuff I can see by watching the real thing. The Heston Blumenthal sketch suffered from over writing, rather than end it just before Heston explains the joke we had just seen , they then carry on and drive the now ruined sketch into the ground. The Fabio Capello bit, at least I think it was Fabio, was painful to watch, and their one attempt at proper satire where Ronnie Corbet and Katie Price get married, felt forced and struggled to find an exit. Jon Culshaw, the real criminal of the piece, insists on doing impressions of people he can't even get the voice pitch of. One wonders how many starving comedians would have careers if the funds wasted on this were diverted to somebody new.  There's a reason it's on so late and the performers know it. I had honestly thought the programme had been pulled ages ago.

In an effort to cleanse the palette, we turned to the magic of the iPlayer and  caught up on things we'd missed on account of being both down with the lurgie. First up was Russell Howard's Good news which was funnier in the first minute than all of the previous 30 minutes and just kept on rolling, even poor Gaza and his fried chicken and lager get mentioned. Then suddenly, the rotten stand up routine that closed off the programme intruded. Maybe it's a Southern thing I don't get, but the alleged comic must have said the word posh about 50 times before I muted him. Had I known he was it till the end, I could have saved myself the trouble of watching a podgy man in a sport shirt not being funny for what felt like an eternity. No worries Qi XL  was next up with the extended version of Horrible. After several weeks of being bumped in favour of popular music programmes I managed to live without, it was a refreshing breathe of fresh air. Truly makes you wonder why they don't just dispense with the shorter 30 minute version. Qi XL is a comedy treasure.

The Thick of It

Keep in mind the meds had not yet kicked in and we could spare another hour or so before the eyelids shut. Pumped up by Qi, I loaded up the See saw archive if Series 2 of The thick of it. Being the political animal that I am, I was able to see the humour to the very core of it's being. The Thick of it takes every situation ever to have happened in a party office or Ministry building, regardless of politics, and laid it out bare for all to see. Honestly , it's really like that, maybe not in such a constant stream of misfortune, but pretty much accurate. I even felt a few old nervous ticks and bad memories creeping back in like they had happened yesterday. For every person who thinks that politics is easy and some sort of perfect road of redemption for the idealistic public servant who needs to maintain some sort of Aristotelian perfection, watch the programme. These people have to practice the art of the possible in a fish bowl where unrealistic expectations and conflicting agendas clash regularly. After this, please have a care for the people running our government. It takes a special kind of crazy to be able to survive longer than 5 years, and yes they work hard with little or no recognition unless they fuck up. Even if they manage to stay under the radar, they still sacrifice, family and reputation for what at the end of the day is not remunerated nearly well enough to compensate for the hell most of them will endure. Looking forward to the new series we're told is now being scripted.

Newcastle United fans, in case you missed it, Goal! a film in which the mighty Toon feature in a big way and win a famous victory at the end in suitably dramatic fashion, is on the iPlayer till Sunday the 28th. You may recognize familiar behaviour if you've not seen this before. You'd be forgiven if you see Joey Barton and others thinly disguised as other players, but with the bad there is the good as well. Must see footie film even if you aren't a Mag, but if you are, make the time.

Well that's it for me till I write the other things set aside Friday night when the flu set in. It's still not too late to donate to Children in need, just click on the Pudsy link to the right of this post and follow the instructions. Every bit helps and even if the show wasn't always the best, the children can use all the help you can give.

As per usual, this blog post written to the tones of The specials, Jilted John and the Undertones on Beat Surrender at BBC Radio Newcastle. Make Nick Roberts part of your Saturday Night, if you can't there's always Listen again. 

You're forgiven for now Wayne & the Pandorica opens

So yesterday I asked if it could get any worse. Shock of shocks, the Earth didn't open up and swallow us, the rains did not come down like righteous anger from the Gods and nobody had a supernaturally bad day at the World Cup. Wayne Rooney even apologized for being a twat on camera. It's Ok Wayne, we know you're not famous for having the wisdom and patience of the Mahatma Ghandi. Hell even he had the occasional off day. So if you and the rest of the England squad don't stink up the park next Wednesday, we might even return to normal service.

So what did happen today? we had three matches , two were brilliant end to end stuff and one was reminiscent but not quite as interesting as watching the bit at the awards ceremony when the accountants come out to explain how the voting works.  Holland Japan was technically perfect, Holland enjoyed over 70% possession and Japan frankly didn't show up. So how you ask me  was it possible for the scoreline to be 1-0? Very easy. Unlike Our own lads the day before, the Dutch super stars who populate some of the best clubs in Europe and England, decided to take the path of least resistance. They played pass the ball for a bit , then they did it some more. At some point the manager noticed they hadn't scored a goal yet so signalled the need for them to perhaps try.  For a few minutes the match came to life and Sneijder put one in at the 83 minute where upon they they promptly went back to sleep. Now I'm not for a minute suggesting there is some kind of contractual obligation for teams to provide entertaining footie. I even understand that you get to the next stage as best you can, but honestly,  football of the living dead was a bit much. If they hope to put Argentina or Germany ( should they make it out) to sleep with this , it may more likely turn around and bite them in the ass. Holland can play some strikingly delicious football before they habitually fold like a house of cards to the Germans, it's what we expect of them, so why the sleep walking act? I suspect it was more a desire to protect players from injury ahead of the next stage.

Ghana Australia was another matter entirely . Comedy gold that was. Australia was awash in controversy over if Harry Kewell was going to play or not. Well he did . We even had a pool as to how long he would stay on before he was gone. I had 34 minutes, as it is he was sent off on 23 minutes. Handball if you're curious, a few more inches it would have been his chest and he'd have been a hero. He even argued the card and had to be escorted off the pitch. Kewell aside, both  teams played to win and a 10 man Australia barely showed signs they were even bothered by what would have crippled a lesser side. Lots of chances going both ways, great goal keeping. Some of us even wondered if we could just dispense with a search for a new keeper and offer Schwarzer a British passport. In the end it was a 1-1 draw with both teams deserving the single point. An entertaining match  that went by so fast you never really did  notice the passage of time.

The last match of the day was the equally entertaining but ultimately sad Cameroon v Denmark . The 2-1 result belies the effort both teams put in. A galaxy of current, past and future Premiership stars fought it out in the best flowing match perhaps of the entire tournament. Both keepers were outstanding and the pace was electric. The strategy was to win and not be too worried about leaking goals. The end result was an end to end contest filled with spectacular shots hits and tackles. Samuel Eto Nicholas Bendtner and Rohmedahl each scored. To be honest, Cameroon deserved to win on the strength of frankly unlucky shots on the Danish goal and brilliant goal keeping. A gutted group of Lions are gannin yem while Denmark soldier on into the knock out round. Cameroon should be proud of  the level of play and quality they showed neutrals. While they will have preferred to win, at least they go out in style fighting to the last. Would all the matches be this good , I wouldn't have nodded off as often as I have.

The lowlight of the day had to be the following exchange...which sent me to the kitchen to make my tea rather than have to hear the rest of what would  surely be  the worst commentary since I sat next to a bunch of charvs discussing the merits of popular culture. BBC 's best said the following..."Anyone seen Space Jam? You know, that movie where all the superstar basketball players lose their abilities and a bunch of nobodies end up becoming the best basketball players in the world. Basically, I'm expecting a Bill Murray cameo around the quarter finals." . I couldn't make this stuff up. In a further sign of things to come, we had a BBC screen sans the scoreline or the time for the first few minutes. And In further surrealist developments, the Big Sulk Anelka apparently told Domenech to make love to himself, though probably not as politely as I just put it, as a result he's on the next flight home to water the plants and sort out his recycling. No worries Nic , nobody thinks you did the wrong thing.

Here a few gems from today's idle banter. My thanks to somebody's father and his text messages.The England Squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "it's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling & facing the impossible" said Jamai Umboto, aged 6'  And:  "Oxo are introducing a white Oxo cube with a red cross on it, as a tribute to the England football team. It's called The Laughing Stock.".

Mock the week is back, and I finally go to see it two days later. I swear I think 6.5 hours of telly a day is about the limit a human can take. Even ringers have to take a break when doing the extended dvd LOTR marathon ( not including appendices) at about the 6 hour point. I could feel my eyes trying to glower at me unsuccessfully. Best they could do was water up and sting in a slightly stroppy manner. Where was I? Mock the week, Hugh Dennis, Russell Howard and Andy Parsons joined by guests Diane Morgan, Milton Jones and Chris Addison kicked off the new series in grand style. You could tell they had weeks of material just bursting to be used. I can't wait for the out-takes reel to see the stuff they left behind. The Green howler was dealt with in typical sensitive MTW fashion and the new Condem government was raked over the coals in a tip to Mr. Cameron that he won't be getting any votes from these comedians. I have missed this programme so much, so pleased it's back just in time to take our minds off the troubles on the pitch.

Last treat today was the first part of an all star cast of monsters, friends and companions in The Pandorica Opens. Vincent, Winston and other assorted characters from the latest series of Doctor Who conspired to get a message to Matt Smith that he's in mortal danger of some kind. I won't tell you what happens, you need to watch it yourself, but I can tell you this. "Pandorica opens" is a throwback to the great adventure serials you used to hear on radio or watch on telly. Stonehenge sits atop a secret chamber complete with cobwebs and decaying monsters trying to kill you while you decode the secret message before it's too late. Nothing is at seems while the writers keep tickling the funny bone with scenes you would have found in the funny bits of Indiana Jones. But it's not all laughs my friends, keep a box of tissue handy for a poignant reunion. The ep ends on a shocking note that will have older viewers remembering the way Flash Gordon or Batman used to get into trouble. Will the Doctor get out of this one? Will it all end badly for Amy? Will River Song destroy time and space? Tune in next Saturday --- Same Bat Time, same Bat-channel!

As always, this post brought to you by BBC Radio Newcastle's Nick Roberts and Beat Surrender, you can hear the latest programme HERE.