James May's Man Lab continuing mission to rescue us men from pacification inflicted on us, over 40 years of health and safety, sensitivity training and general loss of curiosity or urgency about life. Captain Slow opens the ep with a bold statement that insinuates most men under a certain age wouldn't know the inside of a tool box if it hit them on the head. In fact 8000 men a year are reported using a flat bladed screw driver as a chisel. I assume the reporting comes from the various casualty wards these men are taken to after having abused said tool or being hit on the head by random tool boxes. I could lie to you and say that by the time I was 13, I knew how to build a house, fettle a car for a road rally, engineer an ice box using only 6 feet of plastic tubing and some chewing gum, or brew my own beer. But I could use and name most of the things in my father's tool box , as well as wire a room to pick up Radio Moscow on several loops of industrial copper wire. Pity all they ever played was farm reports and the Watergate hearings. I also picked up the skill to mend anything I put my mind to, for a while at least, with duct tape.
Dreaming when Dawn's Left Hand was in the Sky,
I heard a voice within the Tavern cry,
"Awake, my Little ones, and fill the Cup
Before Life's Liquor in its Cup be dry."Omar Khayyam
Before we enter the world of the barking mad, let's have the celebrity man task. Today , John Sergeant changes a tire, and hopes to better his previous time of 42 minutes 46 seconds , set some time in 1964. Charged with 6 school boy errors, he still managed to shave a few seconds of his old time. The most entertaining part of this was hearing John Sergeant have a moan about being penalised for raising the car form a spot other than the one proscribed by the manufacturer of the car. As segments go, had it not been for the celebrity guest, I could have cared less. Almost as exciting as tightening the door knob.
So you need a few things ..... A dog , a knife and some sympathy powder. It all makes sense once it's explained.
1- You take the knife and injure the dog with it, thus bounding the knife with it's victim
2- Then you have somebody dip the knife in the sympathy powder at noon in London. What this does, is brilliant.... the memory of the injury crosses the distance and causes the dog to bark , letting you know it was noon in London, assuming you had been on course all along, you would know where you were and could for example aim for la belle France. .
Well, to achieve the same results without harming Dodger the dog, James May makes him listen to Subo warble "I dreamed the dream". Horrible nasty man..... He then has the CD dipped in the sympathy powder at the proper time.... turn signal sorted!
Only problem was, when Dodger started barking, they were in the middle of gale force winds and even the Captain of the boat was agitated. Clearly it was a load of .... Next week we try once more, let's hope Oz hasn't drunk all the wine yes? By the way, isn't Dodger the Top Gear dog?
, loo, jacks and for my Australian readers....dunny, of a neighbour. Or you could use the patented Man Lab bog roll alarm. This canny device essentially waits for the roll to be near empty and detects the pre-set level needed to set off the Awoogha sounding alarm. The actual noise is triggered when you lower the seat into position to sit down, thus saving you the bother of getting stuck in only to realize you'll be trapped there without so much as a square to wipe yourself with. Now that you know you need a fresh bog roll, you can simply call for the train, send a post it note ......
And lastly before you return through the layer of coats to normality, we learn how to engage in a duel. Before you say it's of no use at all, my own grandfather was a duel judge in the Polish army of the 20's. They first had to agree to a method, one wanted swords the other pistols, so my grandfather suggested swords at 20 paces.... So where were we? Seems James May and his producer have got into an e-mail test of wills about May stealing his producer's parking spot. In order to shorten the entire exercise and resolve it before it gets tiresome, May has suggested a duel.
Duels, the rules and etiquette of duelling were established in 15th century Italy, a time people were duelling wily nilly, as opposed to simply brawling, then the more familiar Irish code duello of 1777 came along for the English speaking world, followed by the French Duel a volonté in which you retreat to about 35 paces, walk at the signal and whoever gets to the 20 paces spot shoots first, but woe betide the man who misses first.
Before you get to the business of shooting, you need to establish impertinence to justify the satisfaction of honour by deadly weapon. To lure his producer and extract the required impertinence, May rings up the man and suggests he is familiar with the practice of onanism. In other words, he is a banker. "What you on about you idiot", and we're off to the duelling!
First they tried the the single smooth shot from a standing position, missing each other and apparently taking out an expendable sound man. Having thus nearly hurt themselves, health and safety demanded they use modified pistols for the duel a volonté. So armed with paint ball pistols, they drew up, walked to 20 paces and shot....
You'll have to watch to find out if May ever steals a parking spot again.
Next week Oz maybe gets rescued from France, and we go back into the the magic wardrobe for more insanity.
If you've an unresolved question of honour, drop him a line at email@example.com Mark your subject line "Damn you sir, I will run you through"
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