Comedy round up and random bits that crossed my mind this week.

Some days you wonder if it's worth getting out of bed at all. This last week has been one of those days. Between the flu, the cat costing us the entire budget for Hanukkah in meds, and the filthy disgusting cheating things that run football robbing England blind, makes me wonder if it wasn't all a nightmare I just need to wake up from. Let me pinch myself.... nope still here.

I'm told it snowed 3 feet in Newcastle and a catastrophic two inches in that London, considering what happened next, I was pissing myself laughing. You'd think the only snow that ever fell on Borisland was in a film. If I may point out something rather important,  this is the third year  at about this time, it's snowed, maybe it's time to get some snow tires and send out a quango to Canada or Finland to find out how it's done. Not that any of this matters as we've been housebound for the last three weeks, missed a funeral, the 100th anniversary of Polish Scouting and was made to suffer through some intensely bad music on the current play list at Radio Newcastle.  There's an alleged song by "The Script" that is more lament for the terminally tone deaf so bad it feels the need to start rapping/talking dramatically, then sandwiched in between the regulars like Julio Iglesias who has always made me want to slit my wrists, they threw in the Yech factor cover of a Bowie song, then poor Amy Wino and Elton John also have songs murdered by different cover artists. I may just decide to stick to the all news format till I get better. You have to feel for Simon Logan, some of the stuff he's forced to play.  Thanks Simon for the Queen and Pogues tracks this morning. Life for Simon has been hard this week, a normal 10 minute trip up the Salter road now takes several hours till the gritters come and "SALT " Salter road.  You're right Keef, there is a joke in there.

The other joke of the week is the alleged scandal fact from the House of Commons. Apparently MPs from the North of England are the most prolific users of  expenses this year since they last told us what our elected representatives are up to. Just tossed out with not so much as a crumb of explanation, these poor MPs are left to dangle out there with untold innuendo and the mild smell of wrong doing about them. Could it be , oh I don't know, that it's far from London, maybe it cost money to drive, take the train, run two residences, keep  surgery hours without using the moped issued by David Cameron for MP's who live farther north than Kent. How are we expected to keep quality politicians of any party if they are made to feel deep shame for travelling in any logical way with a modicum of comfort or care for their family lives? If ever made public, the private sector expense accounts for mid level management and travelling salesmen would make these expense claims seem like the trivial fluff they are, but that's not how the news spins it. I sympathize with some public interest policy bodies intent on claiming news and the right the know; they need something, anything to create monsters where none exist, but are they prepared for the same level of scrutiny and  intrusion in their lives? I doubt it. My hat is off to the men and women of any party  who have given up normalcy for life in the fish-bowl to serve their constituents. One day some sense of perspective and rationality will come over these people, but I suspect not before they themselves stand for Parliament. Must be fun taking shots at people who are damned if they defend themselves and damned if they don't  Very brave indeed.

Thankfully not all the comedy however tragic was in the news. I had the pleasure of watching several excellent  sketches by Armstrong and Miller. They are, as some of you know, on a new series 4 eps in. Best new characters are the vampires based on the Gary Oldman version and the classic Bela Lugosi Count. These two continental gentlemen must try to understand the charvification of the world and still feed. They get help from teen vampire porn denizens more at home on Being Human than a Hammer set, and the results are hilarious. Not content to get one set of new characters, they created a brave amount of personas to replace stale bits that stopped working some time ago, Hairy Bikers piss take Flint and Rory  had me on the floor . The reworked antiques wrecking crew should have been left to die and the new Man from Reading is only funny if you don't speak French. Best running gag is the "Damn, I've forgotten to take the bins out" routine. I'm never sure when it comes but now I'm looking for it.

Two other efforts by the BBC are not so lucky as Armstrong and Miller. The outrageous lie entitled LOL from Northern Ireland  was billed as fresh new writing from brilliant new talent. I should have listened to that little voice telling me it was unadulterated compost worthy only of the big garden in Countryfile.  Despite being only 12 minutes long, it managed the near impossible, ...... being without a single  funny moment from the start to the instant I turned it off 7 minutes in. It was like watching a youtube video by two uni mates who film the completely unfunny thing they came up with the night before when on too much lager. Surely somebody must check these things before they go out?

The other disaster I risked my fragile health on was the Stephen K Amos show.  This washed up stand up comedian recycling jokes that weren't funny 20 years ago, has the comic timing of diarrhoea and a sneeze. I take that back, a sneeze during  diarrhoea is a 100 times funnier than Mr Amos.  He then brings in his mam  and alleged brother, who both stink up the room, doing ill performed jokes and routines done much better by Omid Djalili and that Nigerian comedienne Andi Osho. I love ethnic humour, but this was old and smelled like it had been in the attic to long. The less said  about these two so called breathes of fresh air the better. I will be sticking to Russell Howard, Mock the week, Qi and the rest of the safe side of the street. My life is too short to spend more than a few minutes to have a whiff of the new droppings from the increasingly desperate BBC comedy boffins who haven't found the new Python in such a long time one wonders just where the comic genius is, or is it that they're just not looking in the right place.

It's not hard you know, Getting on fits a niche and is good, Whites deserves a new series, Mongrels, despite not being able to rise above working/middle  class humour, was brilliant, Rev did for God what Father Ted and Vicar of Dibley did in their day. The fact is that a massive streak of humour infuses more than a few programmes, Top Gear, Man lab and Toy Stories, and yet the people who approved those projects have somehow lost the plot and have laid eggs like the desperately unfunny Impressions show, The Pursuasionists, Big Top and few other horrors I've since successfully put out of my mind. I would like to think that in the coming inspired times where ironic and dark humour, humans thrive on in difficult times, becomes abundant and  less difficult to spot. While I'm at it, the upper classes, the educated, the highly imaginative have a right to a laugh as well. Bring us the next league of gentlemen, Python and Of the manor born, charvs are not the only ones who watch telly. Rare tip of the hat to ITV, thanks a bunch for the latest series of Ladies of Letters. Please play it again  and make some more.

C4 has had it's new entries as well and I'm going to have a marathon of Peep Show next. I'll let you know how that went in due time. Good news if you haven't heard, Johnny Vegas surrealistic oddball comedy IDEAL has been approved for a new series, Thick of it is now writing scripts for the next series which will now of course include a third party. and Live at the Apollo has a whole new batch of stand ups just in time for Christmas. Remember if it's not funny, change the channel, and something else might be. Happy goggle boxing all.

Comedy football votes and Sepp Blatter: FIFA sells it's soul yet again

Well there you have it, football isn't coming home. I will not see in my lifetime a World Cup in the UK. The country that created the very first ever Football Association in the world, the country that is home to the EPL, greatest commercial success of a league now and for the last few decades.  More to the point, our bid was the first dropped, the least acceptable , the least vote getting, only two . Who won? Russia and that great footballing power Qatar who will host in 2022.

Gwan..I dare you , tell me the greatest ever footballer Qatar ever produced, tell me of the great stadia of the past that hosted the best and the most famous. Surely there must be an answers? How else does Qatar win? Here's a bold prediction, Qatar losses every match by at least 4 goals. As for Russia, it's one of the countries considered as most corrupt, not just in politics, but business and sport. How are we to believe the games will be any better protected than the rotten football in Bulgaria , Romania and Russia or Italy. Even IF Russian was the bastion of freedom and fair play, the stadia are no more up to standard today than they were when the Champions League was promised improved conditions. Legs will be broken, tourism will be lower than it was in South Africa and sadly, most of all, the only people to profit will be oligarchs and the private club of corrupt slime trail leavers who run International Football.

I would have been less angry if Spain or Holland had won, but these results indicate clearly that Panorama was wrong only in as much as they didn't uncover enough of the corruption in Fifa. Bribery and politics are the lifeblood of FIFA and until such time as the world governing body of football is cleansed by righteous fire and jail time will the whole sorry mess be fixed. Little wonder we can get sanity in the entire question of technology  in football. Little wonder that archaic old dinosaurs are holding back any real attempt at reform and rectification in the more just administration of rules on pitch and the  rampant rise in salaries that cannot be capped. Any attempt by national governments to fix things only seem to get the local FA closed down, rather than helped. Football, will not be covered in glory from this episode, and I fear that if we see any real change in the attitude of our own footballers in regards International play, it will be for the worse. What is the point? Why bother going, why bother trying if you cannot be guaranteed a fair match to your club the insurance of compensation should you be injured?  I frankly wasn't all that interested in the the current squad's ability to overcome all competition in the Euro's to be held in Poland. I will stick with club football and all that implies, At least I know how that works and what I can resonantly expect.

Let FIFA and it's bribe filled pockets talk about growing the game in the rest of the world, I won't be helping. The last few years have seen decisions so mad that we can only assume the criteria was... any country that needed help develop democracy, get a better tourist trade, and of course could never qualify for the World Cup by playing actual football, G-d forbid.  Countries so poor in football terms, economic terms or basic democratic qualifications have the best chance of winning. 22 people voting on something this big or important, invites abuse. Frankly any country not willing to play by the rules of FIFA should not try anymore, The expense and the raised expectations are not worth it.

But let us for just a minute bask in what could have been... Newcastle and Sunderland among other stadia from the Premier league, would have hosted matches allowing every venue to hold genuine, experienced football fans and supporters used to the game, who truly practice the religion of football. Alas it's not to be, Football United the, world wide charity that would have helped develop the game world wide, free of the sticky fingers of FIFA won't go ahead, and of course, We'll stay at home and watch on telly. Could have been the most profitable World Cup ever, but FIFA doesn't like clean , taxable profits where workers and concession holders are fairly paid and treated. Just once before Sepp and his pals introduce bigger nets, or force players to wear silly hats with sponsor's names on, I'd have loved to have seen the World Cup played in a football mad nation. I know Brazil is coming, but that is cold consolation to any country without perfect weather and sufficiently loose rules for FIFA's liking.

Not the article I had hoped to write, but then again, why am I surprised that Sepp Blatter, FIFA and shock decision are yet again in the same sentence?  Our game hasn't been ours for a long time, but as fans we have to marvel at just how much it is no longer our needs and feelings as core supporters that matter. There is enough serious talk about, that when enough EPL teams are owned by Americans, we'll be forced to give up fixtures to the "mass marketing" of the EPL in America, thus robbing home supporters of even more control over the tickets they get and the fixtures they can reasonably expect to attend on the day allegedly printed on the ticket.

Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn called it "Dark Politics at work". So it's a big congratulations to the forces of greed, cynicism and corruption over the good of football and honest maths. Enjoy your little joke Mr Blatter, we're not laughing, and one day, if there is any justice in the world, you won't be either. I would like, however, to thank the entire 2018 England Bid committee for the work they did and the genuine good will they inspired, may it be harnessed for some other equal worthy goal. Football, and particular English football cannot help but profit from it.

Wood's story of England ends,Life without Work is Getting on and Mad Cat Ladies

What a week it's been so far. Loads of  telly to watch and most of it really good. But before I get onto that, a few  quick notes about the Tyne Wear Derby coming up and the e-mail I got from my editor. As some of you might know if you've been good readers and read ALL my stuff, you'll know I'm working on a few articles for a Sherlockian journal. Today I got a pdf of the mock up of the first draft of article one without images. My reviews of BBC's Sherlock have been reduced to a smooth veloute sauce of silky verbiage in praise of the New Sherlock risen from the minds of Moffat and Gatiss. I'm assured there will be one last version presented as and when the editor can sort the copyright issues for a few images from the BBC.  Just as big is of course the build up towards the long missed Tyne Wear Derby taking place at the weekend. BBC Radio Newcastle's Total Sport team had on tonight a special edition where the usual cast of talking heeds and  fan forum members took themselves to a 5 aside pitch in North Shields to decide once and for all just who's supporters could play Sunday side best. As it happens the Mackem lads edged our boys 4-3, but to hear our manager tell it, the ref ignored a clear penalty shout and the net wasn't big enough for some of our shooters. Not to be outdone by the main sport site, Total Sport then went to several cages at the zoo to ask The monkeys, the dolphins and octopi for a score line.  Monkeys 2-0 for the SMB's, Dolphins 2-2 draw and the octopus called for 0-0 draw. Seems even the animal world's opinion is divided on this. Hear the entire bit of madness on Listen again Radio Newcastle for 28th of October.  Good Luck Lads, we're playing at home, don't embarrass us.

On to business dear readers. As the title implies, this one is mostly history and a dash of NHS comedy.

This week Michael Wood's Story of England wrapped up the series with part 6 dealing with modern Kibworth/England. In Victoria to the present day, we trace the progress of Kibworth from 1830 when all right thinking people feared society changing revolution from below. Turns out they were right , but it wasn't the violent ideological revolution of Cromwell or Marx, but that of the reformers and the dissenters. Commercial interests, along with the growing British Empire served to drag England into the next century whatever the old world thought of it. Several things happen to insure that the lot of the poor and illiterate is improved.  In 1832 90% do not have the right to vote, a number that changes in fits and starts. By 1870 school for the 5 to 12 year olds is accessible , by 1880, it's mandatory. Children who enter service at 12, were expected to be smart and know how to read, a skill that served them well when it came time to challenge the Poor law courts. By1900 there is 90 % literacy rate. The railroad also came to town in  1857 . Kibworth's own Loveday, in a single stroke, creates more voters and homes for workers of modest means, by building houses. These people achieve the status of franchise holders, thus causing the Tories of the day to respond to workers or risk losing power.  ( insert own coalition joke or barb here). Despite things like the march for the unemployed in 1905, truly revolutionary tendencies are sublimated by the firm hand of the clergy on the moral pulse of the village through Penny Concerts filled with upright songs about tea and the tragedy of  a girl imploring people to ask her father to come home form the pub. This is not to say that the working men's clubs did not have the saucier sort of songs, dances and broad comedy we have come to call "Music Hall". WW1 and II do their worst and the full vote comes to all in 1928. Baby boomers come, Land Girls become mums and Kibworth becomes part of one the most multi ethnic parts of Britain.

So what in all of this was strictly Kibworthian? Well rather a lot as it turns out. This time Professor Wood utilises the resources of the best local volunteers to search through hitherto untouched parish records from the 19th century, later used to illustrate the Poor Law section. Whole groups of children walk through Kibworth on a Victoria walk, learning  that Thomas Cook was of Kibworth. The fact the dissenters movement was deeply imbeded in the village, with the result that much of what we take for granted of the writing and traditions of the movement was from Kibworth and can still be studied in libraries long since merged with more mainstream institutions, brings home the importance of the place, even if the descendants of those reformers are not spoken to directly. One of the truly nice bits was when the town was pressed ganged into recreating a Penny Concert as well as a less moralistic or upright Music hall show. A particularly poignant moment was when a class of children read of the experience and deaths of family members in the Great war then went on an annual trip to visit a battle field in France where a group of Leicester soldiers posed for a photo. Sat in the same spot, it wasn't hard to imagine most of those young people about to waste their lives on a trench charge. They then went over to the large cenotaph  to pick out the names of great grand parents. Another great use, In this last segment of the Kibworth series, Michael Wood, through photos, film and re enactment, connects the streets and homes to the events of the recent past and makes the current village seem more than a semi rural destination you might normally avoid unless you knew somebody there.Not a bad way to wrap up a series. Catch up the entire series on the iPlayer

Continuing with the theme of the working man's history of the recent past, BBC A life without work, does a brilliant job of bringing the poverty and working conditions of 1910 Yorkshire to life. Richard Bilton explores the report that is the very underpinning of the modern welfare state the Government is so busy taking apart bit by tiny bit.  While there are some abuses and ill effects of the policy on modern society, it is no reason to destroy it. In watching this programme, you realise just how close we are to the family in the 1910 diary but for the very safety net keeping large portions of the population out of abject poverty and subsistence labour.  Seebhom Rowntree, a dissenter, a Quaker ( see Kibworth) and deeply religious man, continues the grand tradition of the social reformers of the earlier Victorian era. In 1910, York is a city just recovering from a recession, a city that was among the wealthiest in the land, in which there were no poor people or social problems. All was good with the land and no person worthy of note was doing badly.  In fact the opposite was true. A full quarter of the population in poverty or constituted the working poor. Seebhom , who was later to run Rowntree's, set up a methodical survey of all persons on some form of relief or out of work. The results were assembled, collated and boiled it down into a shocking picture where even in one of the wealthiest cities of Britain, people were living on tea, bread and margarine with the occasional bit of fish on Sunday. Mrs Nevinson of the survey, has 22 children, of whom 5 survive to adulthood.  The Nevinsons are but one family among many who help with raw data, but the words of the father ring out from the pages 100 years on urging us to see his agony, the futility of his efforts at times, and the fact he is working very hard for little return.

So who were the Nevinsons? Bilton tries to answer the question with the help of genealogists and archaeologists, tracking down this working class family. After a few false starts, the blind daughter is identified as Ivy Addy, who's father is John Thomas Addy who with his family, lived for a time on Phoenix street, and whose descendants still live a mere 2 mile  away to this day. Through the search portion of the ep, we visit the Hungate dig already mentioned in my time team piece on the real Vikings, and see the tiny cramped two story hovels these people were forced to live in, sometimes 15 at a time. It's one thing to read about it, but to see the site and the conditions they were expected to maintain a brave face in , is so much harder to ignore. If you follow the dots from Ivy Addy through several generations . you end with the fat bloke from the film The Full Monty, Mark Addy. Ironic isn't it that he should find fame playing an out of work labourer during a depression. Mark and many of his relatives  were brought together on the site of the Phoenix street house for a reunion and to see where they came from. From the humble beginnings of a  labourer, the Addy's achieved greatness in the military, glazing, and now acting. 

Not to ignore Mr Rowntree, his conclusions laid the groundwork for much of the legislation that insured safe working conditions, paid holidays, decent housing, and recreation. As an employer and company president, Rowntree created a village that included pools parks and libraries. He was to create the model for the ideal employer.  During the worst of the depression , he kept the plants going, churning out chocolate and keeping people employed, this despite massive losses of 33% in 1931.  Surely an example of the old notion of noblesse oblige where the lord of the area has an obligation to the people on his land to keep them safe, whole and healthy. Next time, we see the modern face of post Thatcher and current York. It will be interesting to see just how little or how much has changed. Nicely done that, Mr Bilton, telling the story of reform through the very real experiences of one family from 1910 to 2010.

We wouldn't have Getting On  to write about without Mr. Rowntree and people of his ilk. So a big thank you to all those responsible for bringing us the kind of health care we take for granted, and other parts of the world only dream of.  Getting On for those of you who hadn't seen series one, is about a hospital women's unit that deals with all sorts of miseries and illness brought on by poverty, bad diets and the middle class obsessions of personal fitness. Jo Brand and the fat lass from the Thick of it, play out the day to day existence of hospital staff in a modern well equipped, but stressful and rushed environment of a ward trying to juggle beds, doctor time and teaching. One of the great throw away lines was when Jo brand's character was told she could not call Hillary a twat, so she said "Hillary is such a vagina", later she's taking the piss out of a patient... away for disposal. In this Thick of it filming style, the realistic situations of hospital life comes through sharply and still manage to be humorous. The visit of a patient's daughter all the way from Scotland exposes the sort of cold rule based life that has taken hold in all institutions and the admission of a  geet smelly homeless woman, presses the ward to find a place willing to un-ming her while yet others look for her identity so they can at least have a name to call her. In the US and many parts of the world, that poor woman wouldn't even get a second look. But the NHS, imperfect as it is sometimes, HAS to take her. Take the time to watch this comedy gem, you'll be adding it to your must see programmes list. If you like Richard Hawley, he sings the brilliant theme song.

I'd like to write something about the last Wonderland, Mad Cats and Englishwomen, precisely because it was  so troubling to see the way that fully half the cats in London are treated and the shocking conditions in which the people who care for them live in. The heroines of the cat world are overworked, lonely people who have turned to cats after a life of drugs and alcohol. Pat, who we meet starts the programme  thinking she is doing a sacred mission and that men don't understand, but by the end realizes that she has pushed  men and most people for that matter, from her life by taking in so many cats.  This poor soul has had a rough life in Dagenham and it hasn't got any better over time. The Ex vogue model who runs the cat and dog sanctuary is not much better. Poorly funded and overcrowded, the staff and animals live in quarters as sad and cramped as the well intentioned Pat.  I don't know what appals me more, the treatment of cats by careless and horrible people, or the conditions that those who would save them have condemned themselves to live in. This is no sentimental, humour tinged, crazy cat lady special, it is gritty and disturbing, AND well worth the watch if you've the stomach for it. Celia Hammond and her band of volunteers deserve all the help they can get, but the sad part is that they themselves are as lost and sick as some of the cats they save. I felt sick after watching this, I'm not sure why even now, except to say that no one should live like that, man or beast.

Has Wayne Rooney betrayed Alex Ferguson?

Before I say another word I need to reiterate the bleedin obvious... My first team is Newcastle United and my second is England. Who I choose to support for the top prize every year varies from year to year, but is never ever Chelsea.

In the last 48 hours, we have heard the rumours then the confirmation that Wayne Rooney would not be staying with Manchester United. Tonight I saw a sad confused and betrayed man on Sky sports talking about Rooney, trying not to show just how hurt he was. I remember back in the mists of time when young Wayne was still a Toffee, and he was considering a move for the good of his career. Back then, even though I thought Everton were getting a raw deal, I agreed Man U was the best place for him to go. He would learn his craft under the watchful eyes of a master of football. He would be surrounded by the best equipment and the best footballing minds that weren't already working for Arsenal or Chelsea.  After what seemed an eternity to Everton fans, but only a few weeks for the rest of us, Wayne Rooney was a Red Devil.

Since that time he has kissed the badge, professed his love for the Gaffer and the team. He's even become a fixture in the City of Manchester. All that work and attention took a quick to anger young man and turned him , for a while, into a man who could play football spectacularly well. He regularly punished my beloved Newcastle United with blistering evil goals scored from as far away as 40 feet. He became one of the few footballers I truly enjoyed watching. And when he played for England, it was the the high points of a game, even when he was red carded.  Surely you cannot become that player without the development and trust you get from an organisation like Manchester United.

If there had been trouble off pitch that involved some battle of wills between him and the club, I would understand, but if anything , the club has done all it could to give him games, and protection from the sorts of risks, football related and press related that most players never seem to get. His odd behaviour with prostitutes at least twice now and before getting married, as well as the attitude after the England exit from the World Cup, certainly pointed to trouble in paradise. I'd say it about money but it's not is it? Even his agent was taken aback. I honestly believe Wayne Rooney has talked himself into some kind of catastrophic corner.

If I'm honest, I don't think I've missed him at Man U or England of late. Plenty of players have filled the gaps and he's been revealed to be expendable. Who in their right mind will take on this powder keg of anger and inconsistency?  I'll glass you if you say Newcastle! Despite our record of taking on troubled players, there's no way Mike Ashley would shell out the money for a rotten asset like him. Real Madrid seems a likely place, as most ex Man United players who've crossed the boss seem to go to. But besides them, I don't see any team willing to give him a chance after his last antics.

Regardless of what does happen to him in the next few months, I have lost a great deal of respect for somebody who used to be a pillar of the community and an example of  sporting good form and loyalty of the old school. As it turns out, he's no better than Tevez and Ronaldo and all the other mercenaries who've passed through the EPL in recent years. He/they have forgotten who pays their wages and without whom they would still be lorry drivers and fisherman in isolated villages. I have been watching and playing football most of my life, but this year has been harder than most to get up the desire to watch these over paid,  over privileged  pansies play football for the fans. Perhaps Newcastle was better off in fizzy pop. At least there, the pressure of getting in players worth more than some countries GDP wasn't ruining a century old tradition.

Getting back to Mr. Rooney  though, he's displayed the gratitude and loyalty of a Katie Price. What Alex Ferguson wanted was reasons and some kind of rationale that made sense. He's got  none of either. Wayne Rooney looks to be in a headlong rush into chaos, and one senses it is mostly of his own doing. Yet again football has taken a fine talent and muddled his head with fame and wealth, blinding him to the very people who took him in hand for his own good.

In the end, Manchester United have no choice but to sell him to the highest bidder in the January transfer window. Only problem is, will he be worth anything by then? The self destructive behaviour is making Michael Owen look a prize by comparison.

It was nice knowing you Wayne, but if you keep this up, the best you can do for all concerned is to piss off home and never play again. The two I feel sorry for  most are Coleen and the bairn, a child needs father and a wife needs a trustworthy partner. Instead they have a mixed up un happy and confused ball of angry 12 year old.

Yes, Wayne Rooney has betrayed Sir Alex Ferguson, Manchester United, England Football, as well as all of us