Another day another obvious conclusion thrown out the window. The news from French base camp and English base camp continues to be strange and it's harder and harder to take the actual football seriously. But it's not all something you would only expect in an over the top footie film trying to keep you interested past the scene where Pele, Beckham and Dizzy Rascal face Germany in a tense battle of pens. Some of it is even stranger. One of the best bits today was a subtle error which showed the strain some of the commentary types are under. During the ITV portion of the day while Spain and Honduras were playing , an auto pilot set of instructions kicked in when you heard the following "It's been an itsy bitsy start here with Liverpool". They could be forgiven for the confusion as the place was awash in current and past Scouse players. What it does demonstrate is that despite the professionalism of some, you do eventually reach a point where you need to be taken off the mike and rested. In a less pleasant episode from the same broadcast, Adrian Chiles , noted football commentator and humanitarian, went out of his way to take the piss out of Honduran players and their not so on key or well sung rendition of the Honduran national anthem. Perhaps they weren't the Welsh boys choir, but they sang with passion and true patriotism. Pity Adrain ,our own players aren't capable of the same. Maybe if they cared a bit more we'd not be in such trouble. If like me you think Mr. Chiles needs a bit of a reminder to grow up and show a little respect, you can send a polite but strongly worded note to OFCOM. While I'm at it, it needs to be said, ITV has ignored, underestimated and treated poorly in commentary, countries not in the traditional seeding of so called "Big Clubs". ITV World Cup football is only ever on because we must. I avoid the run up tuning in only for the match itself. On a lighter note, I'd also like to complain that FIFA, the responsible ones for the camera work, are just not showing the lovely lasses like they used to. I'm aware that perhaps not as many of them came, but surely they can do better than the miserly collection of munters we've been treated to this far. BTW I must be imagine things. I'm nowhere near South Africa and yet I hear a vuvuzela moaning like an injured water buffalo somewhere near here. Note to self, must go on a search and destroy mission later. Wait it just cut off suddenly like, there is a God after all.
In a tournament where the big boys from Europe are showing cracks and frankly playing like they would rather already be in training camp at their respective clubs, the South Americans are head and shoulders ahead of the rest of the pack. Even IF they have massive contracts to get to after the WC, they are in fact doing all they can to insure their team does well and the fans at home are proud of them. Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay, and Paraguay have all come to play and win. I can only assume that the next World cup in Brazil will be the absolute best ever one regardless of anything else. A genuinely football mad continent in which the host nation is one of the top practitioners of the sport. That tournament, unlike the PR ones in the USA and the Far East will be a celebration of the world's game, hosted by the most passionate supporters on Earth. A fair final this time around would in fact be an all South American affair as they are the most deserving of being in it aside from Germany .
Ah the football... If you missed the ambulances collecting the body bags, Portugal destroyed North Korea 7-0 , 6 of those in the 2nd half . I don't know if that's a record for most goals in a single half , but it has to be close to one. Poor North Koreans, they did keep the wolves at bay for a time , but Tiago and friends were indulging in target practice and nobody was going to stop them. The most important thing about this result is that the others in Group G have to do a lot more than just win or draw to advance. As usual, goal difference plays a big a part in the fate of the other teams. Too bad they forgot that in the early stages. All those missed shots and cautious draws will come back to haunt more than a few teams between tomorrow and the final reckoning for the 16 teams going into the knock out rounds. The North Koreans, we can only hope, will not be badly treated on returning home, should be proud of their performance. If they had been an English club side, they could have kicked around fizzy pop for several years. Before I forget, the other thing I took personally from this match and judging from the reactions of mates, is that we still with a passion, want to do terrible things to that grinning oily twat Christiano Ronaldo. It was fun for a while seeing him increasingly frustrated at his inability to score, sadly he broke his duck in the end. Seems memories are long and we all still feel the sting of going out on pens to a bunch of diving cheats who were the principle perpetrators of crimes against football in that infamous Portugal Holland match of 2006.
Chile Switzerland was an entirely other kettle of fish. The 1-0 result flatters the winners and is one of the most poorly officiated matches of this tournaments. 9 yellows and 1 red. Mad ref K Al Ghamdi did all he could to destroy any tempo to the game with a continuous stream of mostly ridiculous yellow cards whose only effect was to stop the match in its tracks. At one point it was clear players were worried about even moving a bit for fear of attracting the attention of the card happy official. The biggest problem was the clear intention of the ref to curtail any kind of body contact that would be taken for granted anywhere else and for the first half of the match kept Chile from getting anywhere near goal. To the bankers credit, the Swiss defence did do an admirable job of stripping Chile of the ball several times and stymieing any penetration...in other words they parked the bus. In case you didn't know, Switzerland now hold the record for not conceding a goal in 551 minutes, surpassing Italy as the stingiest defence in the World Cup . Chile will in fact rue the missed chances and the missed penalty. Near the end they almost conceded a goal that would have left the result 1-1, a disaster if you consider what it takes to get out of the group stage. In the end you should ignore the fan boys at ITV going on about the famous victory, Chile did not do enough with it's chances and may well end up paying with an early trip home.
Liverpool v Honduras was a better show, despite the minnows never getting near the Spanish keeper, it was at least pretty football. for most of the match. 2-0 does in fact reflect the honest result, Honduras defended well and were a worthy opponent. There was bit of rough stuff and we saw the use of a bog roll as on pitch treatment to a nasty split lip. TBH if the Saudi ref had been at this one the card haul would have been twice as high. But football isn't a rough sport for nothing, we got a good physical match with some pretty passing. Only problem again is the scoreline, 2-0 may not be enough to get out of the group. Spain never really turned on the heat like Portugal or Germany. It's all still to play for and Spain know they could have nailed down the spot if they had tried earlier and harder .
Coronation Street has nothing on the continuing goings on in the France Camp and England, both having hotted up even more. The French practised today. several players were seen perfecting hostage demands in between passes and penalty takes while Raymond Domenech received the Minister of Sport sent in to get the children in line. While I will never advocate open rebellion for no good reason, these players have cause and plenty of it. Larent Blanc, Manchester United legend is to take up the managerial post after the team returns, and if the trend continues that's tomorrow night . The only people who seem to think there is nothing wrong with the status quo are Domenech, the FFF and the Government. The tradition of knowing better goes back a long way and shows no sign of waning. In stead of keeping Anelka around and sending in Blanc early, they will persist in destroying the souls of those players. I cannot bring myself to guess how the France South Africa match will pan out, but the South Africans have an excellent chance to go out winners.
Across the channel so to speak, in the England camp, John Terry inexplicably was allowed to have a press conference, followed on by a bit with Capello on ITV. You can read the summary here , but it's clear from Capello and the FA that it's the last chance saloon time for Capello. Win on Wednesday and he's saved his job for two years, loose or draw and he's gone. I'm torn, I'd love to see the lads win, but I want Capello gone. As far as he's concerned he's done nothing wrong and the players are being dramatic for nothing. As you know, I have argued that our players are spoilt, uncommitted and rudderless, this only explains the normal mediocrity we suffer from. What is happening now goes way beyond that, England are not quite the basket case France is but when Capello says there is no revolution.....I say BOLLOKS. The thick black smoke coming from behind him is telling another story. I would be happy of a win, but I won't for a second think it has anything to do with the manager nor will I delude myself into thinking we are world beaters.
Because the English football fan needs to find solace somewhere, he nuzzles at the teet of someone else's misfortune, it's Perverse!. So I'll be watching France v South Africa as for the second set of matches, here's hoping the footie is worth splitting ourselves in two for.
Finally! The real World Cup has started, no more tender moments where teams get to play nice and careful. No more let's be nice to the host nation and also rans. Today we started separating the men from the boys. In what had to be the upset result so far, Switzerland held and then defeated perennial World Cup darlings 1-0. In a clash of flash versus efficiency, the Swiss kept their heads while Spain tried again and again to break down a stubborn defence and midfield. Some of us thought, ok and for your next trick? Nil Nil is hardly going to get you out of the group stages is it? That's when they did that most Un-Swiss thing, having found a moment to break out and catch the other guys napping, Fernandes ( I know how Swiss is that?) finished a scoring opportunity. In a match where getting a goal was going to be tough , the team that scored first was most likely to win. Now I'm sure Spain will somehow bounce back, but the fact that perhaps the greatest collection of egos south of Paris could not break down a team from a country better known for banks and watches than it's football, means it is a fool who assumes you can get by on good looks and good will alone. Switzerland stuck to a plan and waited for the moment to strike. Add one more check in the Teutonic column of teams you need to worry about now.
One of the most important element in the day's events was the very real decision on the part of most refs to apply the rules of the game and not tolerate any mind games. Very clearly the officials are not reading the FIFA script that says we need to keep Sepp Blatter and the sponsors happy by protecting the Cinderella teams. If you play good football and convert you chances, no official will stand in your way. A case in point was today's South Africa Uruguay match. If the Hollywood types had had their way Uruguay would have rolled over and died. Problem is that Uruguay had a good qualifying run in, they were not about to step aside and forget 2 years of preparation so the host nation could look good and stay in for a bit longer. From the first , the Uruguayans made it plain they meant to win. Diego Forlan , recognized club footballer, imposed himself on the match and by the 24th minute we were at 1-0. Despite the best efforts of the ref to not see the incident, several fouls were given and except for one very obviously political decision to not hand out a yellow and give a free kick, South Africa was shaken out of it's fantasy land reverie. Even the local supporters had to finally put down the ear destroying vuvuzelas and start paying attention to the game. Somewhere along the way between the first Forlan goal and the spot on sending off of the South African keeper, reality set in for the crowd. By the time the new keeper finally sauntered over to the net and awaited his fate, most of the SA supporters were beginning to realize the ride was about to come to an end. Diego Forlan kicks, GOAL. And in that instant even the tourist casual footie fans knew it was time to give up the ghost. An injury time goal by Pereira sealed South Africa's doom. What really sickened me was the spectacle of fickle newbie SA supporters heading for the door with 15 minutes to go. As a Newcastle supporter, I have to tell you I'm not impressed. I've sat through some real gut wrenching defeats and never once gave up before the final whistle. It begs the question of why FIFA sees fit to grant the World Cup to countries that are for all intents and purposes, never going to qualify for the tournament without special exemptions. Not withstanding ability to build and maintain infrastructure, there are at least three other African countries that were more deserving of the Cup and vastly superior. Don't get me wrong .SA deserves every chance it can get, but it would have been better off hosting Cricket or Rugby, both sports it excels at. It's this kind of short sighted policy that creates wafer thin delusional supporters who walk out on their team with enough time remaining to at least equalize. You have to feel for the players who had to witness a steady stream of cowardly so called fans sneaking out. Little wonder they had the look of walking dead by the end of the match.
Loyalty is something following Newcastle United ,West Ham or insert name of your team, teaches you.We have become used the misery of constant defeat and disappointment. A small thing like being behind 1-0 or even 2-0 has never dampened our spirits. Some would even say, initial optimism then ending in disappointment sounds very Newcastle. Pretty much sums up England every World Cup and the Wales qualifying campaigns. The world Cup should be reserved for countries and fans who have the intestinal fortitude to support their team without folding up in the first minute after the Disney portion of the match is over. Every team that had to qualify knows just how much it means to the other guys and their supporters. We want to sing our support, we want to chant our feelings and we want to stick out like sore thumbs. We want our lads to know we're there.
This is something that FIFA in an attempt to sell a game that has conquered most of the globe, to the last few hold outs, is sacrificing, for corporate greed, good PR and a trip to somewhere new. I despair that England will ever again host a World Cup. We only invented the bloody game. But if we are to never see another tournament, I'd much rather Australia or some other emerging footie mad place with nice hotels gets it. At least their team won't need the help of referees, at the expense of deserving teams, to stay in. While I'm having a go at FIFA, 30 Dutch women were arrested for wearing identical orange outfits. It's Holland for Christ's sake, they do that sort of thing. Come to think of it, they seem to get nicked every World Cup, any road, WC organizers have gone out of their way to clear the road for mega multi national corps over the interests of local merchants and ordinary supporters. Much like at the Winter games, Local merchants are being frozen out of the big money, If South Africa was being given the WC to help, I don't see many poor South Africans benefiting from "official" souvenir sales or the fascinating local craft movement getting much exposure. There are enough fixtures left for FIFA to get a sense of humour and let US have a bit of fun. It' not too late, They can start by putting on the orange dresses themselves. I bet Sepp Blatter looks geet canny in a skimpy frock. Only his closest circle of friends will ever know though, sigh,..
Speaking of funny things... Mick McCarthy was voted more annoying than a vuvuzela for his droning on and on. His reaction could not be made out over the noise of the horns. Bet you haven't heard this one yet?
What's the difference between Katie Price and a vuvuzela horn?
One is a cheap plastic piece of trash that is there making it's annoying whining noise, every time you turn on the T.V.
The other is a musical instrument.
Tomorrow another three matches, and I'm pumped for all three. The race is well and truly on.
Well no one saw that one coming. Not even the most cautions pundit or reckless crystal ball gazer. Closest we came was a bit of sarcasm . Sarcasm by the way is the only way to get through most of the arid excitement free matches we've been subjected to. Between the vuvuzelas and the ubber cautious teams afraid to commit to anything beyond a draw, football fans have had to wait and wait and wait for the first signs of healthy competitive aggression. My first WC memories are from the 70's , and from that time to this , I don't think I've ever had to endure quite as many uninspired performances as this World Cup. I expected fire works from Portugal, I also expected shin kicking, bad tackles an loads of diving. While the later was in abundance, goals were not. Cote D'Ivoire, not a team to be taken lightly, played hard and defended well, but considering the talent and fire power on the Portuguese bench, it's obvious they were not willing to try force the game. It was like watching Arsenal play Chelsea minus the killer instinct of Didier Drogba who was inexplicably made a sub. My one highlight of Svenn v Ronaldo as ITV put it, was seeing Christiano Ronaldo getting booked early and hard. I cannot tell with what passion I loathe the greasy stain that used to play at Man U, his smugness and lack of gratitude towards Alex Ferguson is shocking beyond belief. Clearly since he's left Old Trafford, his old and very bad habits have returned with a vengeance. As for Svenn Goren Useless, I could not believe we needed a primer on the career of this most recent in a string of rubbish England managers, perhaps a few in depth reports on Ivorian players not in already in the top flight might have been in order. I suspect however that the real problem is that most of the build up is geared to tourists, people who join the football addicted in the family for a few matches every 2 years. Just yesterday, the BBC spent most of it's time apologising for the lack of goals. Like a fellow obsessive pointed out in the nerd cave, real supporters are used to nil nil or 1-0 results. Real football is more than a scoreline. I've seen more exciting draws on derby days than you can shake a stick at. Something I haven't done much lately as I was told I could put somebody's eye out. The skill in a well made save or the spectacle of a defence that strips opponents effortlessly of the ball is a pleasure to behold. Goals aren't everything, we do need them but they aren't everything.
The match where all those skills were on display, was North Korea v Brazil. It was a master class in premiership quality football. If I'm honest, I was expecting a bloodbath, a humiliating exercise reminiscent of the 8-0 punishment Saudi Arabia suffered a few World Cups ago. Instead we had a nil nil first half where we realised the plucky ( I hate that word) but it applies here, team from Glorious Leader land weren't just a bunch of political prisoners living on gruel and fear. The fact they held off a frankly scary good Brazilian side is testament to the skill and determination of these players to show they are for real. I never thought in a million years that I'd find myself cheering for a bloodthirsty dictatorship, but there you are. The other thing to take from today's result is simple, even if Brazil managed a 2-1 result, it hides the fact that they were not as good as Germany in a similarly one sided fixture were far more successful in crushing their minnow opponents. Kaka and his samba boys are not to be taken lightly, but hardly the immovable force that will trip up Germany. At one pont, Bazilians were seen to be openly appealing to God. Surely this means they will be easily rattled by more efficient less emotional sides.Both Chile and Spain play today. Perhaps one of those two will show the form required to challenge for the final or they will join the other also rans who are fighting for the privilege to be taken out last by the eventual finalists. One other element needs pointing out is the rain. Been terribly English and will benefit teams with players who practice their club football in the Premiership and fizzy pop.
So how am I bearing up to the schedule? I've made a concious decision to not miss a single match if I can. This means that I have become used to eating and taking care of non footie related life stuff between the 2nd and final match of the day. I take a long nap, ok I sleep for 5 hours shortly after the evening final whistle and have started passing on a so called "normal" timetable. You need to know something, my wife and I are writers, consequently getting up earlier than 10 am or even noon on a Saturday is against our religion, so you would think the World Cup would be a dawdle. Problem is, this world cup has proven a bit more of a challenge. You need life affirming food and drink, or the dull matches will destroy any chance you have of staying awake. If I'm not careful, next time I nod off, I might stay asleep for 8 hours straight. Before sitting down to write this, I spent the last three hours doing dishes, sorting laundry and cleaning the cat toilet. If we had waited any longer , the house would be worthy of a teenagers pit or a dorm room after a particularly good party. Non footie associates know better than to ring me for the next month about anything remotely time consuming, our telly has been reduced to football with breaks to keep our eyes from dropping out of their sockets. It' all about discipline and not forgetting to eat and pee. So far so good, looks like we'll make Marathon without dropping dead right after delivering the message.
Apologies to those of you waiting for purple prose praising Father and Son or prime picks of premium musical promotion ( say that 10 times fast). Until the opening group stages settle down, I'm afraid there will be little else. I'm not completely addled, Doctor Who has my full attention and I'm gagging to make a giant vat of beef and barley soup. Beat Surrender still fuels the brain cells when writing these blog posts and I hope you are taking the opportunity to listen. Also NE Pride, I know for a fact has had some listens as well. so , keep it up dear readers and give the programmes and stations listed on the side, they deserve you support and will not disappoint, regardless of your personal taste in music.
Kick off in a few hours, so best get some food prepared and gird our loins for the coming day of sitting on our arse. Match of the day if you only watch one , is Spain v Switzerland. Have fun and support a good side. These teams are not the entire nation they are collections of talented humans, May the best ones make the final.
Finally a mystery worthy of the great Sherlock Homes himself. What has happened to the goal keepers of the world. It's like a virus has struck anybody standing between to sticks. Suddenly these highly paid professionals cannot seem to stop a ball often struck so poorly that you wonder if a settee surfing lay about (Yes I'm talking about you) couldn't have got his mitts around the thing. . You have to wonder hadn't you, just why the footie Gods have chosen to afflict this World Cup first with vuvuzelas and now an apparent epidemic of the dropsies.
I can't speak for the vuvuzelas, except to say that if you find them annoying there are measures you can take, starting with your television . Go to your advanced settings and reduce the treble to NIL, this won't make the bees go away, but they won't drill into your head so badly. You can also have a moan to FIFA .This blight on the ears has one positive effect, well several, firstly it has united fans from the planet over, including Africa, to call for a ban. Don't let anybody tell you it's just Europeans and we are being insensitive to the local culture. That is the PC position adopted by some bleeding hearts who would rather discuss the role of empire rather than watch some decent football. The other benefit is that I have at long last found a way to drown out Mick McCarthy's bizarre mutterings about "two columns of four" and other strange incantations. I'm certain if you listen long enough , you can hear a special message from God letting you know that you're a click away from great insurance rates if you use wesellanymeercats.com.
Mick wasn't alone in having a hard day though, Mark Lawrenson, Scouse legend in his own mind, was on the verge of self immolation during the Japan Cameroon match. Several pleas for clemency were made, but the referee refused to call time at the 60th minute. I'm sure there have been more boring matches in this tournament, but Japan Cameroon was by far the least memorable and most reminiscent of a classic defensive battle of wits in a Fizzy pop (Cola Championship) relegation dogfight. You don't want to loose but you don't want to attack in case the other side proves less rubbish than you and sends you packing to league 1.
The gloom lifted finally when Italy v Paraguay kicked off. Italy perennial whingers left the blocks in a leisurely bolt in search of the goal to hunker down behind and defend. Sadly for Italy, Paraguay scored a pretty goal that was well organized and executed. After this, Italy had to play to survive. For his trouble, the best goal keeper of the tournament thus far, was sent off by his own manager. I suppose Buffon hadn't got the memo about the new international standard . Not to worry, the Paraguayan keeper did, and in keeping with the bar set by Rob Green, he promptly surpassed it. Would you like to know why he couldn't stop the ball? Sun in his eyes, bit of dust, maybe his defenders distracted him? Could have been the cute little bird on the pitch, and he was incredibly cute. You give up? He was waving to a mate in the crowd and wasn't paying attention. Just when did this World Cup become the Ringling Brothers Comedy convention of crap Keepers?
Before we get too wrapped in the colourful characters currently inflicting pain on their own supporters, ask yourself a question. Have you noticed that highly skilled professionals who play club football , are stars in their own right, cannot seem to complete passes properly. I'm not saying all the time, just enough to make you wonder if there isn't something else happening. How is that two players who regularly pass to each other almost instinctively, cannot seem to be able to control the ball.? I'm no expert, but I can make an educated guess. That ball we been using in the Champions League , that ball we been hearing about for months, that ball players have been slating since it was introduced, seems unstable. It bounces like a tennis ball, but gets trapped by the slightest breeze and rolls funny. Imagine if a new golf ball was introduced and near every pro suddenly started killing innocent spectators with rogue golf balls. Unlike FIFA, the governing bodies of golf would quickly move to change the ball back. While I'd love to blame the vuvuzela or Mick McCarthy and his incantations, I can't. Adidas has to shoulder some of the blame. They have made a ball that is one improvement too far. At some point there will be the penultimate ball. The Aristotelian football we are not worthy of building but one day will, or has that football come and gone? As players and spectators, we need a ball that will be a long term standard that will insure a uniformity of play experience if you have a decent pitch.
Three more matches and the arrival finally, of the other team that will be expected to put on a show. Brazil play hapless North Korea at 7:30 pm UK time ( sorry its on ITV) so best to avoid the build-up and just tune in the match. With luck two things will happen, ITV won't cut away to an advert as Kaka scores the goal of the tournament, and the comedy keeper curse won't strike again. Portugal v Ivory Coast promises to be equally entertaining, though if I'm honest, I hope the oily twat Christiano Ronaldo has a terrible World Cup.
Nearly forgot, today also saw the official appearance of the World Cup babes. The women who have been missing since Friday, have made it to their seats and are being beamed around the world to appreciative men who hither to have had to look at trannies and oddly dressed mascot fans in giant sperm costumes. Brazil and Portugal will be a treat !
I would tell you about some brilliant programmes on telly, but after 6 hours of football and little sleep I was only able to fit in today's Corrie and Jonathan Dimbleby before I passed out for a well deserved rest.
Next kick off in a few hours, best get some laundry in before we're trapped for another 6 hours. Laters all, enjoy the football and remember, support the best team, not the team Adrian Chiles brow beats you about .
Last few days have a been a steady diet of home-made chicken pies, muffins, spicy ramen noodles and gallons and gallons of tea. interspersed with grudging bits of sleep in between football matches and blog posts. Since the World Cup kicked off on Friday,we have had 8 matches. Some deeply disappointing , some mildly exciting and one that was personally embarrassing and stressful and another that was the entire reason the World Cup is held in the first place. You can guess which one caused me no end of shame, the reason I do mention it is because my computer gadgee is an Algerian gentleman of cheery but competitive disposition. I was going to go in and act a bit smug and vastly superior , but Rob Green robbed me of that and kept me from picking up my speakers by a few days. That is until today. Algeria also had a goal keeper malfunction very nearly as bad as we did. While not as over the top as our slow motion horror show, it was sufficient to allow me the dignity and the face, to go to his shop tomorrow and not look a complete twat. Well have a bit of friendly sparing about just who was more rubbish and we move on to more important things.
And that folks is Germany. The young ,supposedly underrated side, claimed it would show no mercy and the world took little notice. Poor delusional fools, how were a bunch of kids and a few veterans going to steam roller all before them? I never doubted their resolve or ability for a minute. What was fun , was for the first time since the dung beetle helped declare the games open, we saw a proper football match. A master class in how to pass, defend, scatter your opponents and most importantly to score. it ended 4-0. But you already knew that, what you need to realize is this, Germany are the first team to say we are here to win. None of this playing for as long as we can but being happy to last till some big club takes us out. They ARE the big club that will take out a great number of sides before they are done. They let every striker loose and each one scored a goal at the first time of asking. The only question is will they meet another immovable force or will they cruise all the way to the final? As for my Australian friends, and they are numerous, you didn't play badly, you were just unlucky enough to be the first team to be mauled by the latest panzer division of New German shock footballers. A word about them later , but back to Australia for now.
The Socceroos have climbed higher and higher in the estimation of the footballing world every year, the quality and number of pro football teams increases with every new franchise that takes root across the country. You even call it football. If past experience is anything to go by, Australia will in 5 to 10 years be as good as England is today, and on present form , that's not saying much . Yes you too will limp from international embarrassment to international embarrassed while your individual players carve an ever larger place in the twice yearly meat market known as the transfer window. Sure Germany spanked you 4-0, you were crushed like bugs, but at least you know there was little you could do about it. We on the other hand , had lots of warning and time to fix what we needed to fix. The fact we still managed to yet again make a shambles of our opening match is entirely down to our FA and our top flight that prefers flashy ready made players and refuses to figure out just why it is we don't seem to be able to grow players content to be great goal keepers. Next world cup we'll both be there , but I won't be so sure about Australia being the patsy it was today, while we stay fatally attracted to what my mate Colin Ayton calls
The four horsemen of England's World Cup Apocalypse,
Calamity - Which ever goalkeepers is.
Petulance - When Rooney inevitably flips and gets send off.
Frustration - Watching Heskey miss 2 sitters a game which Bent would have flicked in.
Penalty - As we inevitably go out on. ...
And on that note, Back to our German mates. For the first time I wasn't bored when half time came and I wasn't aware of the passage of time. It was like going to see The Stones or ACDC, I could have watched all day. Good thing it's only 90 minute though , wouldn't have been fair on the Aussies would it? The Germans represent the new Europe. Increasingly,more and more European sides boast a naturalized Brazilian, an Ivorian or some Turk. Germany has three brilliant Polish players, without them they would be that much weaker. In fact if we take a closer look at the Soceroos, there is a good number of Italians, Poles, Turks and assorted other immigrants. If we just keep the fascists at bay, this is the future world, a good world . The difference is that the German top flight develops the best that much better and they also make room for citizens over greater amounts of expensive imports. A lesson we can all learn from.
About those horns....The top organisation boffin person thingy said he would consider banning the killer bees if enough people complained. Here's your chance, for the sake of all the people going deaf and getting migraines, to send an e-mail and tell them to ban those things NOW . Send your firm but polite email HERE .
I don't think I can take three more weeks of that. Let's have our singing sections back please.We can't hear ourselves, we can't hear the chants or the bands . One last chance to send that e-mail to... savemyears@enoughalready or direct to FIFA .
So what's more sad than a bunch of pasty faced Doctor Who nerds in a private thread? Why it's the same nerds talking football for 6 hours a day till the final. We wouldn't be doing it if we weren't having fun and the nasty bullies hadn't stolen our bicycles. I wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.. Tomorrow we get to do bad puns based on Italy Holland and the other nations playing. You try finding ways to fit Ghana into a sentence without resorting to broad Geordie or Scots?
Now hard to believe , but there was more gannin on this week than football. Doctor Who aired the next to penultimate episode of the current series. The Lodger was writen and performed in the fashion of a buddy sitcom adventure. Slightly dull fat guy fancies the hell out of a pretty girl who won't make the first move but wishes the shlemiel did. Doctor arrives and in the grand tradition of Cyrano De Bergerac brings the lovers together, but not before Corden gets jealous and crazy and the girl played by Daisy Haggard, wonders if the Doctor wouldn't be a better catch if Craig wimps out. I forgot a bit.... yeah , there's this room upstairs that keeps swallowing strangers. This same room is keeping the Tardis from landing.... I personally think it's the Master, we never do find out but we do get to see some of the best footie moves not on the pitch in South Africa. Read ,the last blog to find out about number 11 aka Matt Smith. James Corden professional annoying man is actually good in this peice, but then he would be yeah , as he has a script. James Corden is not a comedian, he is not a writer. He is an actor, and his best material was left behind at Gavin and Stacey. If you can watch the post match Corden special every night on ITV, don't . Here's a sample of the dialogue as collected by a brave volunteer
Woo hoo! Wooooooo !
CORDEN : (to Gordon Banks) Gordon, is it true that England drew their first match in 1966?
GORDON : Yes, it's true, we DID draw 1-1 against Uruguay. But we went on to win in 1966 - Geoff Hurst scored a hat-trick.
CROWD & CORDEN : Woo! Hoo! Wooooooooo! Come on, England! Woooo!
SIMON COWELL : Gordon, hi, it's Simon...Gordon, I hope I'm not being rude, but...is it true that we, England, drew our first match in 1966? But we went on to win the tournament that year...? Didn't we? That is, England?
GORDON : Simon, we drew our first match in 1966, and there was a lot of criticism in the press, but we went on to win the World Cup that year - in 1966 - with Geoff Hurst scoring a hat-trick in the final against Germany.
ABI CLANCY : Woooooo! Woo hoo! Isn't that GREAT? I hope Pete is watchin' this...come on, England - we can do it!! Woooop!
CORDEN : (to Katy Perry) Katy, you look GORGEOUS - who were you supporting tonight?
KATY PERRY : (giggles) If I say I didn't support Eng-- er, I mean Yoo Ess Ay, they'll KILL me in the American press! Russell's got a clause in his filming contract - if England get to the finals (sic) like they did in 1966, when Geoff Hurst scored a hit-truck - Woo! Wooooo! Yeah!! - Eat my t1tz! - then we're getting married and Russell will referee the final!
CORDEN : FANTASTIC! Come on England. I wanna see that! You guys are great! Woooo hoooo!!
Pretty much summed up the 2 mins I saw...
Thanks Mate, we owe you a debt of gratitude.
Not forgetting Corden's new wing man Dizzy Rascal who shouted at us in an earlier post, he has promised to quit the music business if England win the World Cup. Now I know what I said just now, but if Dizzy Rascal will go away and take Corden with him, I would be forced to reconsider my support for Germany. Come on England, do it for the music industry if not your pride.
Those of you familiar with this blog will know we are avid Coronation Street fans that have just returned to watching. As predicted, the strange blending of dialogue from one scene to the next has stopped and the fingerprints of the new producer , ex Who alumnus Phil Collison are becoming more and more apparent. Much of the legacy of Kim Crowther is being swept aside. Her unnecessarily confrontational story lines and constant shouting are slipping away like the drunk uncle who knows he's overstayed his welcome. On the first full day of control , we counted 10 jokes in three minutes , where there had been only grim faces and imminent violence for months . You could feel the street returning to normal like after a particularly nasty curry had finally been shat out from the night before. I won't keep you in suspense any longer than you need to be. Nobody important died in the fire at Underworld, Gail Platt was found innocent, Tracy Barlow got the stuffing beat out of her and sent back to Hell, Carla is off with her bin man to South Africa for the World Cup, Maria has gone to Ireland with bairn and no clear return date as far as we know, and no cast member has been sacked.. We can assume from this , as a worst case scenario, sexy but dull Maria is gone forever , Carla may or may not return, as for the bin man, I won't miss him if he decides to stay in Johannesburg.
Life goes on, I have a football match in about 8 hours and I still need to sleep. Catch you tomorrow and may the footie Gods shine their mighty countenance on your team and not make monkeys out of them.
It's 55 years since Newcastle United won the FA Cup last, 44 years since England won the World Cup, it was also the only time England won the World Cup. In 1966 I was a tiny little boy , my biggest concern was being vaguely aware of the 1000th anniversary of the founding of the Polish State. There were Church basement parties, I'm told I went to parades and special concerts . If I'm honest, I don't remember all that much. Just loads of strangers in our house. It wasn't till years later that I began having memories of any kind worth getting worked up over. And yet those victories in 1955 and 1966 resonate in my soul to such an extent that I can tell you about those great teams. I've seen the clips and read the books, and yet there are days I can't remember where I left my keys,but ask me about a Champions League Final or Derby, I can paint a picture in words. As a football supporter I reckon time in fixtures lists and summer breaks. I can tell when something happened if I can attach a canny goal, famous victory or more often than not, yet another disastrous outing for Newcastle or England. As in answer to the question, "When did you meet your wife?" Well I know it was before we went out on pens to Portugal but after we beat Sunderland 4-1 away. It was Shearer's last ever match and he scored that penalty late in the 2nd half..... .
Now if you are one of the few non football types reading this, let me explain something to you. When we are in fits of rage, finger nails reduced to bloody stumps and unable to sleep or eat from worry, we are in fact having fun. I know it doesn't look like that, but we are. It's our biennial ( World Cup and Euro) rush of blood to the head, when we get to dream yet again of faded glory and hope springs eternal that the latest manager won't screw it up or a certain Chelsea player won't go green at the gills and miss a pen that he would otherwise nail any other day.....I Still feel sick thinking about that one. It's our outlet for feeling that testosterone filled tribal unity of purpose without having to declare war or sacrifice virgins on an altar. We get to wear some seriously silly clothes and bond with total strangers we might otherwise never talk to. We as a planet ( except for maybe two countries) indulge in some pretty serious male bonding followed by even more male bonding. Football, is one of the last refuges of talent, skill, fitness and luck that exists today. You can within reason predict an outcome, but as they say , it's a funny old game, between the ref and the weather and the mood of the players and the crowd, there is no way of knowing for sure how it will end. Unlike X factor, you can't see the winner till end of play.
Thanks to Bend it like Beckham, it has also become acceptable for girls to join in as well. Pretty good if you're a male of the species seeking a mate who will also declare that the calendar only has 10 months in it except in Euro and World Cup years , when it has 11 months broken up by the wait for the next fixtures list. There is however a risk in mixed marriages, derby days can be a bit of a struggle. Do you let it all hang out or pretend you're just a bit gutted for your wife when your mortal enemies have just been spanked 4-0, meaning she will be mardy for the rest of the day? I won't advise you on this as any advice I give you will be wrong and you'll only blame me for the ruination of your life. In my case, my wife still loves Man United but has become such a Toon supporter she bleeds black and white more than I do. Whatever you, don't say Mike Ashley if she's got a sharp object.
Now what am I feeling and thinking right now, a few days before the big kick off? I'm wondering if all my tops are clean, do we have enough food and drink in for the week end and will I be able to get my writing deadlines in before I do sod all because I can't be moved from in front of the telly? Somehow I doubt it . That's it, nothing else matters for the next month, I will eat breathe and sleep football. I love Doctor Who, but I'm hoping it's not going to interfere with the matches. At least this year the Cup is being played only an hour away instead of Korean central time. I'm not willing to get up at strange hours for most things, but the World Cup is different. If I don't see the match live, I'll be forced to avoid friends, steer clear of newspapers, radio and entire web sites. It can't be done and it's unfair to ask me. Pretty shallow I hear you saying, and maybe you're right, there are bigger issues, earth shatteringly important things like, will the officiating be as good or better than in 2006, or will we see a repeat of the scandals of 2002 with the shameful displays of diving, corrupt officials and doubtful calls that seemed to favour a certain host nation until the world threatened to stop watching. Then there's the whole question of the electronic official. I'd love to have a clean World Cup, a WC that has refs that are without flaw and get every call right. Thing is they are human, and that means they make mistakes. We don't have to tolerate the worst of them any more, there is goal line technology that will determine in seconds flat if the ball went in, or if Maradona handled the ball. I am also concerned that if they mess with the ball yet again, it will affect the way the way the game is played. I'm worried refs will expect respect but still take the piss out of players.As you can see I'm a sensitive and complex man.
My biggest conflict is my desire to see the players I follow the rest of the year every year, perform well, and not get hurt. If I'm honest, as much as I'd love to see a 2nd star on England shirts, I'd almost rather have Newcastle United as far from bottom of the table and go 6th or even 4th in the Prem. While for some of you, that Croatian with a funny name is a revelation, my wife however will have been watching Vidic play for Manchester United for the last few years. The last thing we want is to see is our best players banged up on pitches thousands of miles from home playing for a team that will likely not win the tournament or place in the final 8. Michael Owen spent more time in therapy than on the pitch for Newcastle as it is, but. our hearts sank when he was injured in 2006. The club has yet to recover all the financial damages claimed from his World Cup exit. Considering the amount of time he was on the books for the Toon, we'll never know what impact he could have had if he'd played regularly.
Speaking of agony and what might have been, right here, right now, I have a terrible ache in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of dread that we will be afflicted by every calamity, bad call and mismanaged substitution that has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory time and again. I'm sure the feeling will be replaced soon enough by misplaced optimism and pure hope in the belief that this year is the year we do it. This year is the year we can finally stop counting the bloody years of pain in those maudlin songs they keep writing. Despite the injuries ( Rio Ferdinand) and slightly combative spirits ( Rooney) It is possible we could win this year. Every year we won ( see above) , England did not have a song. This year , we don't either, see my last post about the terminally unfunny Mr Corden and the abysmally bad SHOUT. Spirits are high, last Saturday fewer people watched the telly BAFTAs than watched England play the rest of the world in a charity kick about taken by far to many of us far too seriously, where we went out on pens (again) . On the back of that performance, we've been promised the real England team have practised this time. I for one believe our Italian. Robert Green, West Ham's goal keeper helped his club place 17th this year, surely the clear superior of Buffon and co.
I suppose I may as well admit now that in a few weeks I'll be writing about how we were robbed, bemoaning the quality of officiating and wondering how we went out on pens yet again to ( insert team name... Portugal Italy Germany Brazil) . I might even be inconsolable for at least a week and only calm down when the first rays of Top Gear emanate from my telly. On the other hand , we could have won the Cup and I will be floating on air for weeks . One is allowed to dream, isn't one?
Regardless of what happens, a few quick rules during the World Cup.
1-Do not leave the room for food, bathroom breaks, or anything less than a fire or angry ferrets, and even then you should wait for half time or else somebody will score, usually the other guys.
2- Do not ring your mate during a match or during the last five minutes " for a joke". It's never ever funny, and he'll hate you for life.
3- Never ever say " It's just a game". There lies danger and you will be held responsible for any injuries you have justly asked for.
4- If you are new to this, when entering a pub, bar, sitting room full of devotees, pick a player, occasionally shake your head, say his name in a concerned or excited way and you might even look like you know what you're talking about.
5- Depending where you are on planet Earth, go to sleep early and set you alarm clock. I assure you, your boss will understand why you look half dead and your productivity has dropped by 50 %.
5- Join a pool of some kind, you might even put a fiver on the tournament, it will heighten that ecstasy or agony all the more when you have pride and few bob riding on the result.
6 Pick a team to support when your side tumbles out ignominiously. No fun just watching for three weeks .
7- Find a Brazilian party, win or loose, they will be the highlight of your World Cup, and the women are hot.
8- Lastly, Remember to wash, even girls into football, don't like sleeping with trolls.
If you follow these simple rules , you will have joined the rest of humanity and had a good time in the bargain.
See you Monday for the usual Telly and music stuff.... COM'N ENGLAND!
