Well no one saw that one coming. Not even the most cautions pundit or reckless crystal ball gazer. Closest we came was a bit of sarcasm . Sarcasm by the way is the only way to get through most of the arid excitement free matches we've been subjected to. Between the vuvuzelas and the ubber cautious teams afraid to commit to anything beyond a draw, football fans have had to wait and wait and wait for the first signs of healthy competitive aggression. My first WC memories are from the 70's , and from that time to this , I don't think I've ever had to endure quite as many uninspired performances as this World Cup. I expected fire works from Portugal, I also expected shin kicking, bad tackles an loads of diving. While the later was in abundance, goals were not. Cote D'Ivoire, not a team to be taken lightly, played hard and defended well, but considering the talent and fire power on the Portuguese bench, it's obvious they were not willing to try force the game. It was like watching Arsenal play Chelsea minus the killer instinct of Didier Drogba who was inexplicably made a sub. My one highlight of Svenn v Ronaldo as ITV put it, was seeing Christiano Ronaldo getting booked early and hard. I cannot tell with what passion I loathe the greasy stain that used to play at Man U, his smugness and lack of gratitude towards Alex Ferguson is shocking beyond belief. Clearly since he's left Old Trafford, his old and very bad habits have returned with a vengeance. As for Svenn Goren Useless, I could not believe we needed a primer on the career of this most recent in a string of rubbish England managers, perhaps a few in depth reports on Ivorian players not in already in the top flight might have been in order. I suspect however that the real problem is that most of the build up is geared to tourists, people who join the football addicted in the family for a few matches every 2 years. Just yesterday, the BBC spent most of it's time apologising for the lack of goals. Like a fellow obsessive pointed out in the nerd cave, real supporters are used to nil nil or 1-0 results. Real football is more than a scoreline. I've seen more exciting draws on derby days than you can shake a stick at. Something I haven't done much lately as I was told I could put somebody's eye out. The skill in a well made save or the spectacle of a defence that strips opponents effortlessly of the ball is a pleasure to behold. Goals aren't everything, we do need them but they aren't everything.
The match where all those skills were on display, was North Korea v Brazil. It was a master class in premiership quality football. If I'm honest, I was expecting a bloodbath, a humiliating exercise reminiscent of the 8-0 punishment Saudi Arabia suffered a few World Cups ago. Instead we had a nil nil first half where we realised the plucky ( I hate that word) but it applies here, team from Glorious Leader land weren't just a bunch of political prisoners living on gruel and fear. The fact they held off a frankly scary good Brazilian side is testament to the skill and determination of these players to show they are for real. I never thought in a million years that I'd find myself cheering for a bloodthirsty dictatorship, but there you are. The other thing to take from today's result is simple, even if Brazil managed a 2-1 result, it hides the fact that they were not as good as Germany in a similarly one sided fixture were far more successful in crushing their minnow opponents. Kaka and his samba boys are not to be taken lightly, but hardly the immovable force that will trip up Germany. At one pont, Bazilians were seen to be openly appealing to God. Surely this means they will be easily rattled by more efficient less emotional sides.Both Chile and Spain play today. Perhaps one of those two will show the form required to challenge for the final or they will join the other also rans who are fighting for the privilege to be taken out last by the eventual finalists. One other element needs pointing out is the rain. Been terribly English and will benefit teams with players who practice their club football in the Premiership and fizzy pop.
So how am I bearing up to the schedule? I've made a concious decision to not miss a single match if I can. This means that I have become used to eating and taking care of non footie related life stuff between the 2nd and final match of the day. I take a long nap, ok I sleep for 5 hours shortly after the evening final whistle and have started passing on a so called "normal" timetable. You need to know something, my wife and I are writers, consequently getting up earlier than 10 am or even noon on a Saturday is against our religion, so you would think the World Cup would be a dawdle. Problem is, this world cup has proven a bit more of a challenge. You need life affirming food and drink, or the dull matches will destroy any chance you have of staying awake. If I'm not careful, next time I nod off, I might stay asleep for 8 hours straight. Before sitting down to write this, I spent the last three hours doing dishes, sorting laundry and cleaning the cat toilet. If we had waited any longer , the house would be worthy of a teenagers pit or a dorm room after a particularly good party. Non footie associates know better than to ring me for the next month about anything remotely time consuming, our telly has been reduced to football with breaks to keep our eyes from dropping out of their sockets. It' all about discipline and not forgetting to eat and pee. So far so good, looks like we'll make Marathon without dropping dead right after delivering the message.
Apologies to those of you waiting for purple prose praising Father and Son or prime picks of premium musical promotion ( say that 10 times fast). Until the opening group stages settle down, I'm afraid there will be little else. I'm not completely addled, Doctor Who has my full attention and I'm gagging to make a giant vat of beef and barley soup. Beat Surrender still fuels the brain cells when writing these blog posts and I hope you are taking the opportunity to listen. Also NE Pride, I know for a fact has had some listens as well. so , keep it up dear readers and give the programmes and stations listed on the side, they deserve you support and will not disappoint, regardless of your personal taste in music.
Kick off in a few hours, so best get some food prepared and gird our loins for the coming day of sitting on our arse. Match of the day if you only watch one , is Spain v Switzerland. Have fun and support a good side. These teams are not the entire nation they are collections of talented humans, May the best ones make the final.
Finally a mystery worthy of the great Sherlock Homes himself. What has happened to the goal keepers of the world. It's like a virus has struck anybody standing between to sticks. Suddenly these highly paid professionals cannot seem to stop a ball often struck so poorly that you wonder if a settee surfing lay about (Yes I'm talking about you) couldn't have got his mitts around the thing. . You have to wonder hadn't you, just why the footie Gods have chosen to afflict this World Cup first with vuvuzelas and now an apparent epidemic of the dropsies.
I can't speak for the vuvuzelas, except to say that if you find them annoying there are measures you can take, starting with your television . Go to your advanced settings and reduce the treble to NIL, this won't make the bees go away, but they won't drill into your head so badly. You can also have a moan to FIFA .This blight on the ears has one positive effect, well several, firstly it has united fans from the planet over, including Africa, to call for a ban. Don't let anybody tell you it's just Europeans and we are being insensitive to the local culture. That is the PC position adopted by some bleeding hearts who would rather discuss the role of empire rather than watch some decent football. The other benefit is that I have at long last found a way to drown out Mick McCarthy's bizarre mutterings about "two columns of four" and other strange incantations. I'm certain if you listen long enough , you can hear a special message from God letting you know that you're a click away from great insurance rates if you use wesellanymeercats.com.
Mick wasn't alone in having a hard day though, Mark Lawrenson, Scouse legend in his own mind, was on the verge of self immolation during the Japan Cameroon match. Several pleas for clemency were made, but the referee refused to call time at the 60th minute. I'm sure there have been more boring matches in this tournament, but Japan Cameroon was by far the least memorable and most reminiscent of a classic defensive battle of wits in a Fizzy pop (Cola Championship) relegation dogfight. You don't want to loose but you don't want to attack in case the other side proves less rubbish than you and sends you packing to league 1.
The gloom lifted finally when Italy v Paraguay kicked off. Italy perennial whingers left the blocks in a leisurely bolt in search of the goal to hunker down behind and defend. Sadly for Italy, Paraguay scored a pretty goal that was well organized and executed. After this, Italy had to play to survive. For his trouble, the best goal keeper of the tournament thus far, was sent off by his own manager. I suppose Buffon hadn't got the memo about the new international standard . Not to worry, the Paraguayan keeper did, and in keeping with the bar set by Rob Green, he promptly surpassed it. Would you like to know why he couldn't stop the ball? Sun in his eyes, bit of dust, maybe his defenders distracted him? Could have been the cute little bird on the pitch, and he was incredibly cute. You give up? He was waving to a mate in the crowd and wasn't paying attention. Just when did this World Cup become the Ringling Brothers Comedy convention of crap Keepers?
Before we get too wrapped in the colourful characters currently inflicting pain on their own supporters, ask yourself a question. Have you noticed that highly skilled professionals who play club football , are stars in their own right, cannot seem to complete passes properly. I'm not saying all the time, just enough to make you wonder if there isn't something else happening. How is that two players who regularly pass to each other almost instinctively, cannot seem to be able to control the ball.? I'm no expert, but I can make an educated guess. That ball we been using in the Champions League , that ball we been hearing about for months, that ball players have been slating since it was introduced, seems unstable. It bounces like a tennis ball, but gets trapped by the slightest breeze and rolls funny. Imagine if a new golf ball was introduced and near every pro suddenly started killing innocent spectators with rogue golf balls. Unlike FIFA, the governing bodies of golf would quickly move to change the ball back. While I'd love to blame the vuvuzela or Mick McCarthy and his incantations, I can't. Adidas has to shoulder some of the blame. They have made a ball that is one improvement too far. At some point there will be the penultimate ball. The Aristotelian football we are not worthy of building but one day will, or has that football come and gone? As players and spectators, we need a ball that will be a long term standard that will insure a uniformity of play experience if you have a decent pitch.
Three more matches and the arrival finally, of the other team that will be expected to put on a show. Brazil play hapless North Korea at 7:30 pm UK time ( sorry its on ITV) so best to avoid the build-up and just tune in the match. With luck two things will happen, ITV won't cut away to an advert as Kaka scores the goal of the tournament, and the comedy keeper curse won't strike again. Portugal v Ivory Coast promises to be equally entertaining, though if I'm honest, I hope the oily twat Christiano Ronaldo has a terrible World Cup.
Nearly forgot, today also saw the official appearance of the World Cup babes. The women who have been missing since Friday, have made it to their seats and are being beamed around the world to appreciative men who hither to have had to look at trannies and oddly dressed mascot fans in giant sperm costumes. Brazil and Portugal will be a treat !
I would tell you about some brilliant programmes on telly, but after 6 hours of football and little sleep I was only able to fit in today's Corrie and Jonathan Dimbleby before I passed out for a well deserved rest.
Next kick off in a few hours, best get some laundry in before we're trapped for another 6 hours. Laters all, enjoy the football and remember, support the best team, not the team Adrian Chiles brow beats you about .
It's 55 years since Newcastle United won the FA Cup last, 44 years since England won the World Cup, it was also the only time England won the World Cup. In 1966 I was a tiny little boy , my biggest concern was being vaguely aware of the 1000th anniversary of the founding of the Polish State. There were Church basement parties, I'm told I went to parades and special concerts . If I'm honest, I don't remember all that much. Just loads of strangers in our house. It wasn't till years later that I began having memories of any kind worth getting worked up over. And yet those victories in 1955 and 1966 resonate in my soul to such an extent that I can tell you about those great teams. I've seen the clips and read the books, and yet there are days I can't remember where I left my keys,but ask me about a Champions League Final or Derby, I can paint a picture in words. As a football supporter I reckon time in fixtures lists and summer breaks. I can tell when something happened if I can attach a canny goal, famous victory or more often than not, yet another disastrous outing for Newcastle or England. As in answer to the question, "When did you meet your wife?" Well I know it was before we went out on pens to Portugal but after we beat Sunderland 4-1 away. It was Shearer's last ever match and he scored that penalty late in the 2nd half..... .
Now if you are one of the few non football types reading this, let me explain something to you. When we are in fits of rage, finger nails reduced to bloody stumps and unable to sleep or eat from worry, we are in fact having fun. I know it doesn't look like that, but we are. It's our biennial ( World Cup and Euro) rush of blood to the head, when we get to dream yet again of faded glory and hope springs eternal that the latest manager won't screw it up or a certain Chelsea player won't go green at the gills and miss a pen that he would otherwise nail any other day.....I Still feel sick thinking about that one. It's our outlet for feeling that testosterone filled tribal unity of purpose without having to declare war or sacrifice virgins on an altar. We get to wear some seriously silly clothes and bond with total strangers we might otherwise never talk to. We as a planet ( except for maybe two countries) indulge in some pretty serious male bonding followed by even more male bonding. Football, is one of the last refuges of talent, skill, fitness and luck that exists today. You can within reason predict an outcome, but as they say , it's a funny old game, between the ref and the weather and the mood of the players and the crowd, there is no way of knowing for sure how it will end. Unlike X factor, you can't see the winner till end of play.
Thanks to Bend it like Beckham, it has also become acceptable for girls to join in as well. Pretty good if you're a male of the species seeking a mate who will also declare that the calendar only has 10 months in it except in Euro and World Cup years , when it has 11 months broken up by the wait for the next fixtures list. There is however a risk in mixed marriages, derby days can be a bit of a struggle. Do you let it all hang out or pretend you're just a bit gutted for your wife when your mortal enemies have just been spanked 4-0, meaning she will be mardy for the rest of the day? I won't advise you on this as any advice I give you will be wrong and you'll only blame me for the ruination of your life. In my case, my wife still loves Man United but has become such a Toon supporter she bleeds black and white more than I do. Whatever you, don't say Mike Ashley if she's got a sharp object.
Now what am I feeling and thinking right now, a few days before the big kick off? I'm wondering if all my tops are clean, do we have enough food and drink in for the week end and will I be able to get my writing deadlines in before I do sod all because I can't be moved from in front of the telly? Somehow I doubt it . That's it, nothing else matters for the next month, I will eat breathe and sleep football. I love Doctor Who, but I'm hoping it's not going to interfere with the matches. At least this year the Cup is being played only an hour away instead of Korean central time. I'm not willing to get up at strange hours for most things, but the World Cup is different. If I don't see the match live, I'll be forced to avoid friends, steer clear of newspapers, radio and entire web sites. It can't be done and it's unfair to ask me. Pretty shallow I hear you saying, and maybe you're right, there are bigger issues, earth shatteringly important things like, will the officiating be as good or better than in 2006, or will we see a repeat of the scandals of 2002 with the shameful displays of diving, corrupt officials and doubtful calls that seemed to favour a certain host nation until the world threatened to stop watching. Then there's the whole question of the electronic official. I'd love to have a clean World Cup, a WC that has refs that are without flaw and get every call right. Thing is they are human, and that means they make mistakes. We don't have to tolerate the worst of them any more, there is goal line technology that will determine in seconds flat if the ball went in, or if Maradona handled the ball. I am also concerned that if they mess with the ball yet again, it will affect the way the way the game is played. I'm worried refs will expect respect but still take the piss out of players.As you can see I'm a sensitive and complex man.
My biggest conflict is my desire to see the players I follow the rest of the year every year, perform well, and not get hurt. If I'm honest, as much as I'd love to see a 2nd star on England shirts, I'd almost rather have Newcastle United as far from bottom of the table and go 6th or even 4th in the Prem. While for some of you, that Croatian with a funny name is a revelation, my wife however will have been watching Vidic play for Manchester United for the last few years. The last thing we want is to see is our best players banged up on pitches thousands of miles from home playing for a team that will likely not win the tournament or place in the final 8. Michael Owen spent more time in therapy than on the pitch for Newcastle as it is, but. our hearts sank when he was injured in 2006. The club has yet to recover all the financial damages claimed from his World Cup exit. Considering the amount of time he was on the books for the Toon, we'll never know what impact he could have had if he'd played regularly.
Speaking of agony and what might have been, right here, right now, I have a terrible ache in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of dread that we will be afflicted by every calamity, bad call and mismanaged substitution that has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory time and again. I'm sure the feeling will be replaced soon enough by misplaced optimism and pure hope in the belief that this year is the year we do it. This year is the year we can finally stop counting the bloody years of pain in those maudlin songs they keep writing. Despite the injuries ( Rio Ferdinand) and slightly combative spirits ( Rooney) It is possible we could win this year. Every year we won ( see above) , England did not have a song. This year , we don't either, see my last post about the terminally unfunny Mr Corden and the abysmally bad SHOUT. Spirits are high, last Saturday fewer people watched the telly BAFTAs than watched England play the rest of the world in a charity kick about taken by far to many of us far too seriously, where we went out on pens (again) . On the back of that performance, we've been promised the real England team have practised this time. I for one believe our Italian. Robert Green, West Ham's goal keeper helped his club place 17th this year, surely the clear superior of Buffon and co.
I suppose I may as well admit now that in a few weeks I'll be writing about how we were robbed, bemoaning the quality of officiating and wondering how we went out on pens yet again to ( insert team name... Portugal Italy Germany Brazil) . I might even be inconsolable for at least a week and only calm down when the first rays of Top Gear emanate from my telly. On the other hand , we could have won the Cup and I will be floating on air for weeks . One is allowed to dream, isn't one?
Regardless of what happens, a few quick rules during the World Cup.
1-Do not leave the room for food, bathroom breaks, or anything less than a fire or angry ferrets, and even then you should wait for half time or else somebody will score, usually the other guys.
2- Do not ring your mate during a match or during the last five minutes " for a joke". It's never ever funny, and he'll hate you for life.
3- Never ever say " It's just a game". There lies danger and you will be held responsible for any injuries you have justly asked for.
4- If you are new to this, when entering a pub, bar, sitting room full of devotees, pick a player, occasionally shake your head, say his name in a concerned or excited way and you might even look like you know what you're talking about.
5- Depending where you are on planet Earth, go to sleep early and set you alarm clock. I assure you, your boss will understand why you look half dead and your productivity has dropped by 50 %.
5- Join a pool of some kind, you might even put a fiver on the tournament, it will heighten that ecstasy or agony all the more when you have pride and few bob riding on the result.
6 Pick a team to support when your side tumbles out ignominiously. No fun just watching for three weeks .
7- Find a Brazilian party, win or loose, they will be the highlight of your World Cup, and the women are hot.
8- Lastly, Remember to wash, even girls into football, don't like sleeping with trolls.
If you follow these simple rules , you will have joined the rest of humanity and had a good time in the bargain.
See you Monday for the usual Telly and music stuff.... COM'N ENGLAND!
