Paul the Octopus to join MOTD and other shocking news

Wellllllllllll who knew I could be bested by a mollusc?  I mean what do years of watching football , instinct and knowledge  mean  when you just let an escaped English octopus pick teams at random from his home in Germany and he gets it right every time????!!!!!!  Just sack them all , In fact, why even play the matches, Paul will tell us who the cup belongs to. Imagine the impact on Ladbrookes and other betting shops when  odds mean nothing  because this watery genius will just tell us. It was funny when Garry Linaker finally acknowledged the blither's existence and suggested he's be joining the MOTD panel. One mate cheekily said Garth Crooks looked worried.  I suspect one day very soon, Paul will get it wrong and we can all go back to being smug humans who think we need a few years of schooling in the arts of football before we can predict an outcome. In this situation I pity the guy who put £50 on Germany to win the cup 100/1 odds despite Octo Paul's clear warning that Germany would loose to Spain. Being wrong is one thing, but being wrong to a cephalopod who is mostly concerned with eating  must sting  just a bit. I take some blame for it as I bigged up Germany on the facts and current form, who knew they would bottle it like that? I honestly never saw it coming. But then again, Spain play a very dull defensive game that had Germany locked down for most of the match. If you can't get near the goal mouth you can't score.  I have bravely decided against all odds and logic to back Holland in the final regardless of what Paul says. Let the players decide who wins this one. And PS Paul, you are a legitimate phenomenon having now received two death threats in the mail, no word if an assassination squid has been sent . ( ta much Keith Topping for that)

EDIT:  Paul as of the latest news, has predicted that Spain will win the World Cup and Germany will win the consolation match. The significant thing is that he is now telling us these things via a Spokesman. Seems Paul is too good to talk to us directly. Furthermore, he is now getting love letters from Spanish girls. Having seen some shocking anime, I'd have thought it was Japanese girls, but what do I know.  Paul has gone Hollywood, next thing you know Katie Price will be rumoured to be seeing him as he's got more press than she does. Let me enjoy the moment ...a mollusc is getting more ink than Katie Price !!!!!

And I wasn't kidding about shock news, it just gets better all the time . I saw this from the BBC today ....
Goal-line technology in football has moved a step closer after Fifa General Secretary Jerome Valcke revealed the 2010 World Cup is set to be the last tournament under the existing refereeing system. In an interview with the BBC, Valcke admitted the moment when television replays showed Frank Lampard had scored a goal in England's second round defeat by Germany was a "bad day" for organisers.

But following the fallout from that and other controversial refereeing mistakes in South Africa, Valcke hinted that major changes would be made before the next World Cup in Brazil in 2014.
Valcke said: "We are talking about a single goal not seen by the referee which is why we are talking about new technology. But, again let's see if this system will help or whether giving the referee an additional four eyes will give him the comfort and make duty easier to perform, then why not? "I would say that it is the final World Cup with the current refereeing system."

Although Valcke's comments will be interpreted as a change of policy by Fifa following the International Football Association Board's (Ifab) decision to reject goal-line technology and other aids for referees in March, the Fifa general secretary said the speed at which the modern game was played meant the whole approach to refereeing had to be reformed. "The teams and the players are so strong and so fast. The game is different and the referees are older than all the players," said Valcke. "The game is so fast, the ball is flying so quickly, we have to help them and we have to do something and that's why I say it is the last World Cup under the current system."
Fifa president Sepp Blatter has repeatedly rejected calls for the introduction of goal-line technology or TV replays, insisting an element of human error has always been a part of the game.
Opponents have also pointed to concerns over universality - that all levels of the game should be subjected to the same rules and methods of refereeing.

But following the Lampard "goal" and Carlos Tevez's offside strike for Argentina against Mexico, also in the second round, Blatter performed a U-turn, saying that it would be a "nonsense" not to reopen the file on technology. Ifab - the game's rule making body which consists of representatives of the English, Scottish, Northern Irish and Welsh FAs as well as four representatives from Fifa - is due to hold a meeting on 21 July where the issue is expected to be discussed. But Valcke added that it was unlikely to hold serious discussions until a further meeting scheduled for October. In March, Ifab heard presentations from two companies pitching to introduce systems which they say provide definitive proof when the ball has crossed the line for a goal. But both Cairos Goal-line technology, which uses a microchip inside a football and magnetic fields around the goal line, and Hawk-Eye, which uses six television cameras positioned around the goal, were rejected. The Cairos system was tested by Fifa in the World Club Championships in Japan in 2007, but despite their claims that the test was a success, Ifab again rejected the proposal in March 2008.

It was debated again in 2009 but again turned down. Both Hawk-Eye and Cairos insist cost is not an issue as they offered to pay for the installation of the system in return for a share of sponsorship rights. The introduction of two extra referees positioned on the goal-line, a move initiated by Uefa president Michel Platini, was trialled last season in the Europa League and is set to be used in the Champions League this coming season. But again, Ifab turned down the chance to introduce it in time for the World Cup in South Africa. 
 

So there you have it, the turtle known as FIFA has finally started the less than glacial pace required to reform the game and join the rest of the 21st century. We need not harm the game by doing this, Rugby , Tennis and Hockey have all done this with no harm to the game or the professionalism of the officials involved. The number of blatant officiating errors and easily re-viewable bad red cards is too high. Cheating or playing the rules is outside the spirit of the game and should be stopped when ever possible. At least two players deserved to be named and shamed and barred from play for at least a month's worth of matches. They caused two quality players from competing. Even if FIFA were to rescind the cards in the next 24 hours it's already too late for the matches that were affected by these bad calls. Suarez boasted he saved his team by blocking a sure goal, clearly an instant where even a penalty is not needed, just award the goal, it was going in full stop, and Suarez cheated knowing he was taking a chance on missing the pen. It makes Maradonas hand of God look like an accident. Teams have been relegated or missed out on tournaments on avoidable human error. Goals that were goals were not goals because one man out of millions in some cases, did not see the ball go in or cross the line.  It's 2010, time we got with the program. I suspect the real reform will take place in time for Euro 2012, with a test drive in the 2010-11 Champions League season. We can only hope this crack in the fundamentalist wall of football ayatollahs is only going to get bigger and we can clean  up our game in short order. Somehow I don't think the later will happen as quickly, but if it sees Sepp Blatter leave, it will be a step in the right direction.

And the shocks keep coming.... News from the cobbles .... straight from MSN news. Before you read what follows, I'm not a big fan of spoilers, I will as a rule avoid them like the plague but this is hardly a spoiler, it's more of a warning to viewers and a shot across the bow to cast members who think they may be irreplaceable.

Much-loved characters are to be killed off in a massive disaster which causes carnage in Coronation Street, show bosses have revealed.  The viaduct, which has long been a Weatherfield landmark, is to collapse, sending a tram careering off the bridge and on to the cobbles. The gripping storyline marks the show's 50th anniversary in December and will leave some favourites from the show injured. Producer Phil Collinson said: "We'll be losing some well-known, well-loved characters." Show bosses said it will be the biggest stunt in the soap's half-century history. Collinson told ITV1's This Morning: "If you're listening in Weatherfield it's not good news. One fateful night at the beginning of December the viaduct's going to collapse, down by the corner shop and the Kabin, and a tram is going to crash into Coronation Street. "People are going to be injured, people are going to be killed. It's a big, big story for us and one fateful night will play out across a whole week. Picking up the pieces of that into next year is going to be huge."Show bosses will issue alternative scripts and keep security extra tight to keep the outcome a secret.Even cast and crew are in the dark about which Weatherfield residents will be killed in the disaster, which soap chiefs promise will be the biggest stunt the programme has ever staged. Collinson has drafted in special effects experts from The Mill, who have worked on Doctor Who and Gladiator, and producers have worked with GMPTE, which runs Metrolink trams in Manchester. The producer added: "We'll be using all the wonders of modern television production to bring you a disaster that will rock the lives of everyone in Weatherfield."

OOOO arrrrr This has to come as incredibly bad news to some cast members who have been hanging on by their fake nails for ages now. No amount of can tan or boob jobs will stop this new broom sweeping the street clean. Some people have asked for a spectacular way off the programme, Jack Duckworth comes to mind, and yet other newer cast members like Maria and Michelle may be given the chop as well. Long established couple and annoying wife saddled Ashley Peacock may  finally move to a new neighbourhood to pick up the pieces while  the Websters could finally be sent packing after years of infuriating us with snobbery and a daughter that could have been so much more , but has turned into a yet another Crowther tart. Then of course we have the Windass clan, hands up anybody who will miss the ginger menaces. Ex Doctor Who show runner  Phil Collison has with this one announcement  made it clear he wishes to bring some order to the mess that was Corrie in the dying months of Kim Crowther. In the last few weeks we've begun to see the return of the Corrie we loved for so long , but had been stripped away to base drama and conflict  by the previous regime. Humour , the corner stone of Corrie as well as the mundane family based dilemmas are back.  David and Graham are not quite bessie mates again, but David hasn't tried to shoot him with a sniper rifle or plotted to drop him in a pit of vipers either, if anything, the situation has been diffused in the normal amount of time for regular humans such as ourselves. Will he kill everybody off? Not likely. Will he sack dead wood and rescue characters from a slide into  irrelevance they had suffered from? Jason Grimshaw and his mam Eileen, have both behaved badly off screen and that can't be good for those characters. I don't envy the the cast right now, months of uncertainty, reading scripts wondering if that's it. Even if  they hand you a new love interest, it doesn't mean you won't be killed by a Dalek at Christmas. Phil Collison is the breathe of fresh air that Corrie needed for the longest time. ITV hasn't got too many things right of late, but this was an inspired decision. I have gone from dreading to watch to wondering what's going to happen next. Well done Phil and well done ITV.

Help an hour of my life's been stolen: ITV's Drama season kicks off

ITV are class if nothing else. The network that brought us Sherlock Holmes , Midsommer Murders and the great voyeuristic drama Diary of a call girl, kicked off it's drama season tonight. All during the bits of the World Cup  Adrian Chiles bored us with , we got to see the princess and the PURRvurse veg in her bedding, we also got to see the dramatic best bits of IDENTITY, the new ITV cop drama meant to get us all excited about identity theft. Well just to make sure we didn't forget it was on, we got several trails on Corrie and in a presumably unrelated story line, Sean and Michelle create a fake facebook account using Liz MacDonald's identity to see if Violet has posted any pics of her baby son .....Sean's kid,  keep up people ......I'm sure it will all end in tears.

Now in real life an identity thief gets your credit card and books a flight to Warsaw , buys a flat screen telly and tries to empty your bank account. Once he's done or you've reported your cards compromised, the party ends. To build a programme on such a thin premise requires a lot of suspension of disbelief and some cracking good writing.

So did that happen?

 Identity finally starts with an OTT  dramatic  situation  in which the police try to keep a man from committing suicide over a man named Smith .....  He' hasn't done nuffink  Guv  honest  it was all Smith.....He hates me, he wants me ruined..... Ok so we get it , whackjob out for revenge of some kind.  It gets better, seems our victim was in Afghanistan and saved some  soldiers life, he's well hard, that's why he tried to kill himself with a sniper rifle yeah.... And the aptly cast Keeley Hawes plays a DCI based almost entirely on Alex Drake formerly of 1983 (Identity theft). She has worked hard to create an Identity division  and by gum  it had better work warns her boss.... she even has a broken detective she's brought in from the cold who spent 10 years under cover working with the Bulgarian mafia or something. Whatever you do,  warns the gaffer, don't try and fix him , he's past his sell by date, yeah we get it , don't get close, don't sleep with him , don't be surprised when he screws up.

The look, pacing and acting of this drama are a near perfect copy of the style of Spooks ( MI5 for you Americans), oh my  Identity theft again! They even have the gadget guy and the woman who goes through bank statements and web sites, thrilling I know.  The only problem is, however you light, act, and film this, the script is some of the worst writing to hit our screens since some first year drama student wrote a Harry Potter fanfic . Over the top speeches, wholly unbelievable dialogue delivered in bad pantomime style reminiscent of mob films about London in the 80's, written by people who live in the country and eat nothing but veg. It gets worse, the so called plot , if you believe it, is that the bad guy has done this before, he steals a person's identity to torture them as they spend the rest of their natural lives in prison or commit suicide. His latest victim spends the ep looking like a deer in head lights  gibbering about how this person knows everything and he's a waste of space and deserves to be dead. Well yes , I don't disagree, but I though you're supposed to sympathize with the victim?  Half way through the hour I lost any interest I may have had in any of the characters or the denouement of the story.  I think they arrested the son of the geezer the veteran rescued in Afghanistan. Seeing as most identity thieves are anonymous, almost never caught and not psychotic vengeance mad mental patients, I don't see how this expensive, well cast , badly written badly acted  ITV detritus will survive the next few weeks. Bottom line is that I didn't give a toss about any of the characters at the beginning and cared even less when I tuned out.  With luck it will be quietly moved to a later time slot and sold off to a market where this sort of thing looks good compared to repeats of Columbo. On the Vogon Poetry scale of bad . 10 being where you gnaw your own leg off after 10 seconds, this was at least a 7 bordering on 8.5. Had I not tried to last as long as possible ( 30 minutes adverts included in my case) I would have turned it off after the opening 5 minutes.

The good news is that you now know to plan around this. You could have watched the Well good show, but we already know that's a 10 on the Vogon scale, you could have watched a repeat of Cities of the world  or just taken a walk. Being a divorced Dad I could have watched the BBC thing A Century of Fatherhood, but I think I'll pass as I was having a mostly good day till now. Tomorrow the football returns and the hope of nations hang on the whims and talent of referees and footballers.  Sadly it's ITV's turn to make a hash of the coverage yet again, so I'll   just be tuning in for the kick off and forced to  migrate to five live for commentary. Come on you Oranje, we all want a Holland Germany final.

Before I forget, Digital spy reports that

Johnny Depp has been linked to a movie version of Doctor Who.According to website Tor, an article appeared on PubArticles which allegedly quoted former showrunner Russell T. Davies.Davies reportedly said that he was in the process of developing a Doctor Who movie and promised that the Daleks would be involved. However, the article was later removed.Tor has now claimed that sources in the film industry have confirmed that Depp will star in a Doctor Who. It is unclear how genuine the reports are as Davies has previously said that he has no plans to make a Doctor Who movie. film, which would be released in 2012.
 
This from the same site that couldn't get the weather right if they stuck their heads out the window. Digital Spy make The Sun look like the Times of London some days. All I can say is, better be as accurate as all the other equally imaginative Who rumours floated in the past.

First Eurovision and now the World cup: Deutschland on a roll

Yesterday started with a gargantuan battle of the two finest teams in the competition bar none. Germany  Argentina to me was the final. Both teams had proceeded very nicely towards this meeting. Lets review quickly...Argentina won convincing games 1-0, 4-1, 2-0, 3-1 and Germany won all but one 4-0, 0-1( Serbia),1-0, 4-2 . A not unreasonable expectation would be that these two juggernauts of football would produce a defensive dual worthy of any tense exercise complete with low scoreline and caution by the bucket load. The Battle Jutland all over again.

Well before I get to the match itself, I'd like to deal with my own feelings here. As an England supporter I have had a lot of baggage to carry in regards these two teams, I have hated them for years, sometimes for football sometimes for other  reasons. but unlike most of you I found Buddha and love everybody now.....Ok maybe I'm not one with the world enirely but , I like the Germans and have for some time now, they are our friends and trade partners and culturally similar. They are leaders in green politics and eco reform, they gave us Kratfwerk, they even play great football... My big surprise is Argentina, not four years ago I still hated them with a passion, the Falklands, the hand of God .... harbouring Nazis... did I mention the Hand of God??? any road....this year even Maradona has become this cute little bundle of insanity and football wisdom all rolled into one. Between the man love and the adulation I admit it's all a bit creepy, but I like him and  his results. I cannot hold an entire football system responsible for a single coke addled mad man and some still seriously flawed methods of applying the rules of the game by refs.

So I prepared to watch this match with great interest  cheering for the Germans as they have three Polish players, are good and want it more than many a side that came to this World Cup. Deserving a fair shot and   barring some intervention from an official both Germany and Argentina would be allowed to play a mostly uninterrupted match of some of the best football we'll see in this tournament. Boy were we not disappointed, especially me who had been bigging up Germany from day one, 3 minutes in Muller punishes Argentina for sloppy defending and scores. For the remainder of the match Argentina would struggle to make a dent or get any serious shot on goal. In fairness there was a patch where they did , but Germany's back 8 shut them down. Poor Lionel Messi, he was so well marked he never got a decent shot in. Speaking of Messi, one of the most unfortunate turns of phrase came out of the commentary, can't recall who said it, but they were looking forward to a shot of Messi magic, I'm sure I'm not alone in imagining a more than pornographic scene. To quote a friend, " If I said that my girlfriend, she'd slap me."   Where was I ? The Germans.... forget two banks of four, was more like 4 waves of discipline, an octopus the BBC called it, whichever analogy you prefer, they moved as a single unit, time and again catching Argentina in the off side trap, good thing too as it saved them from a not goal by big spoilt baby blue Tevez. This piece of work has got on my wick since he was at Man U, I didn't like him then and I liked him even less when he moved across town. This vain, soulless mercenary who thinks only of himself was kept off the score sheet by the kind of teamwork he himself cannot begin to to comprehend.
 

About 15 minutes in Argentina began taking the game to the Germans, but as I said , they were expertly fended off. What was concerning me was that if they let the the Argies stay in their end too long, somebody might score  and that almost happened a few times. German Keeper Manuel Neuer stopped shot after shot. It did look like depending how you viewed things, that Germany were toying with Argentina or they had taken the pedal off the gas. But with 30 minutes left to play, Germany put the match to bed delivering what amounted to a spanking to the only team in this tournament to have a similarly strong run in. Klose 67,Friedrich74, Klose again in the 89th minute. I was giddy, Germany deserved the win, as frankly Argentina reverted to form and began the niggling little dramas and tackles they are famous for when things are not going their way. Not as overt as Portugal with the class theatrical diving , they nonetheless tried. On this alone I thought they deserved to loose. The best team won on the day and congratulations to Germany from one of the bumps in the road. Even 4-2 would not have flattered us, Germany outclassed every opponent save one and the English performance wasn't all down to German skill, most of it was self inflicted. Germany did the job they needed to do and moved on.

So who will stop these boys and their Blitzkrieg football? Spain if you believe the seriously puffed up Spanish supporters, no one else takes them seriously. Not withstanding 15 minutes of decent football to get them this far, Spain have been as lacklustre as England, France Greece and Italy. In fact today possibly the 2nd dullest match I have ever been forced to watch, By the end of the first half  of Spain v Paraguay we were hoping they would just go straight to pens when the game started up again. Clearly no one was going to score. It was shortly after the restart that a discussion arose about theology. I asked if God existed , was he watching a replay of Germany Argentina or Sheridan Smith taking a shower, cos clearly he hadn't bothered throwing a spark into this dull affair. In answer  one of my mates said  it was proof God didn't exist and another said God had died watching officially the dullest ever match Switzerland Ukraine. I was however to prevail. Clearly God exists, from a mad scramble first Paraguay was awarded a penalty , but failed, undeterred, God arranged a second pen in as many minutes on the other side,  Goal ! match over we thought, but no the comedy continued, retake and Spain also failed to score. Clearly God had tried and failed, and in  what was probably one of the wittiest remarks of the day, one of the lads said "Yeah, Satan is in the stands, blowing a vuvuzela, and laughing his arse off." . Well not for long, Villa finally broke the stalemate at 82 minutes. This however left 8 minutes plus added time for Satan to arrange an equaliser, and he almost did it too. None of us wanted to watch 30 seconds more of this torture let alone 30 minutes. And judging by the earlier display, the pens would have lasted longer than that tennis match the other day. But in the end the Villa goal was enough to stop the pain. It's not too late to fly in Ireland you know? This is the 2nd time in the tournament  that I've wanted both teams to go Home.

Should Germany be worried by these clowns? I don't think so. But to be on the safe side, they had better demolish them in the first 15 minutes next Wednesday and send them home for the well deserved inquest in to the gash the Spanish call football. Come September I'll be watching a lot more Bundesliga,

Next blog will be back to the telly and for the first time, the long awaited unsigned and lesser known bands reviews. Enjoy the rest from the footy, hug your significant other go for a walk , get some air, Tuesday is coming fast.

Ich bin ein angry England supporter

Shambolic, catastrophic, dire, apocalyptic, mingning, decrepit, rubbish, Howler , clanger, mass suicide, torrid, incoherent, shite, crap, unacceptable, cringe worthy, load of utter donkeys droppings, incompetent, lazy, useless, debacle, spanking, dismembering, utter humiliation.

abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad news, beastly, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy*, crappy*, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, godawful, grody, gross*, grungy, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, lousy*, not good, off, poor, raunchy*, rough, sad, slipshod, stinking, substandard, synthetic, the pits, unacceptable, unsatisfactory

That felt good. Before I go on about our quality side, let me say a few words about goal line technology. That was a goal, it took a second  of replay to see that. Football is the only sport to not embrace the modern world, is FIFA a bunch of Druids? Maybe they're Amish or perhaps they haven't been off their estates in so long they don't know the world has moved on since 1870. Sepp Blater is a luddite who is bringing football into disrepute, he has to go NOW.  I say this for the matches to come and the deflated unhappy fans  yet to be disappointed by yet another such debacle. I think this may be the straw that broke the camel's back as half the FiFa executive are home nation reps Now on to the main event. What was Capello thinking? He played Barry, he played Milner he played an entire side of worthless over paid lazy Premirship pansies. The only decent person out there was David James. I apologize for every bad thing I ever said about you Calamity, you kept us from being spanked 9-0.  Then Capello chooses to sub in Heskey when we're down and he can't score. Where was Crouch? I would have accepted Beckham at this point.   Then the man in a post match interview says England played well. What match was he watching? What drugs is he taking , I can use some now. This is what happens when the powers that be do not take International football seriously. I would have been happier sending the best England had, even if they were 19 years old, look at those Germans, young men  mostly, but they are good, they are well formed into a team, and the manager has them playing like a Panzer division. Our team consists of a collection of stars who are used to getting their own way and getting paid wages we can only dream of. What ever pride in wearing the three Lions  vanished the first time they got a big contract and a permanent spot in the rotation. This is as bad as the bad old days under Svenn, then no one had a look in unless one of the Man U, Arsenal, or  Liverpool stars was hurt. It's time to rip up the car parks that cover pitches all over London in advance of the Olympics, get young people playing en masse and invest in the domestic players like Australia have done for every sport they have gone on to master. Something is rotten in Denmark and it starts at the top. The Premiership is partly to blame, they have produced a 2nd rate England side by eschewing ( my word for the week ) home grown talent for Mega Stars from any other places. They then pay them huge wage packets that could have gotten a less spectacular but more English set of players Premiership wide. After not much more time, these same players would be just as big as Kaka, or the winker Ronaldo. Next we need to set up goal keeping academies, churn out enough of these geezers to staff every team down to Nationwide three times, maybe then we'll have a  few stars to choose from in goal.  Lastly, why is not Britain naturalizing a few more footballers from other places, every other country in Europe has it's Brazilian, Turk or Cameroonian. .  Our defence also needs sorting, that back 11 of England was like butter on hot day, seems the system only really ever focusses on strikers. Brazil have exported the concept of total football to the rest of the world, we need to adopt it. I'm not saying the top Brazilian strikers are the best keepers on earth , but I suspect they can teach Green a few tricks. Enough already about England, I'm sick of them, hope they all crawl off into a hole for the summer. Wags money mansions cars, it's what they know, Rooney , Lampard, Gerard, Cole, Heskey, Terry, Upson, Milner SWP , the lot of them were shades of their proper form. I'm more embarrassed having supported England than I've been before. Oh I was upset other times, always had a decent scapegoat, (Listening to Five live.... Grow up Capello , Resign now.  Don't wait for the meeting you eedjit. ) Where was I? but this time even if the goal had counted , we still would have lost 4-2, we deserved to loose 8-2 but James was that good. I hope he knows we appreciate his work. Germany proved they deserve to win the whole thing now. I will be supporting them in the next round and Lord Help anybody who gets in their way. Argentina will  give them a good run  but it's the only side that can do that. So there it is the real World Cup final will be a Quarter final. Nothing else matters. Brazil are decent , but not good enough for me, Germany will edge them in a tight game. Today only one side came out to play and showed us from the first few minutes how it's done. One of the few European sided to do so. France Italy, Greece, Spain and now England., have all played rubbish anti football. Only Spain seem to have woken up in the last few minutes to save face, the rest are all deservedly gone. Not sure if I'll watch the Argies now or just flip over to Top Gear, Mexico could still pull a blinder .....

"It's been an itsy bitsy start here with Liverpool" & other World Cup follies

Another day another obvious conclusion thrown out the window.  The news from French base camp and English base camp continues to be strange and it's harder and harder to take the actual football seriously. But it's not all  something you would only expect in an over the top footie film trying to keep you interested past the scene where Pele, Beckham and Dizzy Rascal face Germany in a tense battle of pens. Some of it is even stranger. One of the best bits today was a subtle error which showed the strain some of the commentary types are under. During the ITV portion of the day while Spain and Honduras were playing , an auto pilot set of instructions kicked in when you heard the following "It's been an itsy bitsy start here with Liverpool". They could be forgiven for the confusion as the place was awash in current and past Scouse players. What it does demonstrate is that despite the professionalism of some, you do eventually reach a point where you need to be taken off the mike and rested. In a less pleasant episode from the same broadcast, Adrian Chiles , noted football commentator and humanitarian, went out of his way to take the piss out of Honduran players and their  not so on key or well sung rendition of the Honduran national anthem. Perhaps they weren't the Welsh boys choir, but they sang with passion and true patriotism. Pity Adrain ,our own players aren't capable of the same. Maybe if they cared a bit more we'd not be in such trouble. If like me you think Mr. Chiles needs a bit of a reminder  to grow up and show a little respect, you can send a polite but strongly worded note to OFCOM. While I'm at it, it needs to be said, ITV has ignored, underestimated and treated poorly in commentary, countries not in the traditional seeding of so called "Big Clubs". ITV World Cup football is only ever on because we must. I avoid the run up tuning in only for the match itself. On a lighter note, I'd also like to complain that FIFA, the responsible ones for the camera work, are just not showing the lovely lasses like they used to. I'm aware that perhaps not as many of them came, but surely they can do better than the miserly collection of munters we've been treated to this far. BTW I must be imagine things. I'm nowhere near South Africa and yet I  hear a vuvuzela moaning like an injured  water buffalo somewhere near here. Note to self, must go on a search and destroy mission later. Wait it just cut off  suddenly like, there is a God after all.

In a tournament where the big boys from Europe are showing cracks and frankly playing like they would rather already be in training camp at their respective clubs, the South Americans are head and shoulders ahead of the rest of the pack. Even IF they have massive contracts to get to after the WC, they are in fact doing all they can to insure their team does well and the fans at home are proud of them. Brazil, Argentina,  Uruguay, and Paraguay have all come to play and win. I can only assume that the next World cup in Brazil will be the absolute best ever one regardless of anything else. A genuinely football mad continent in which the host nation is one of the top practitioners of the sport. That tournament, unlike the PR ones in the USA and the Far East  will be a celebration of the world's game, hosted by the most passionate supporters on Earth. A fair final this time around would in fact be an all South American affair as they are the most deserving of being in  it aside from Germany .

Ah the football... If you missed the ambulances collecting the body bags, Portugal destroyed North Korea   7-0 , 6 of those in the 2nd half . I don't know if that's a record for most goals in a single half , but it has to be close to one. Poor North Koreans, they did keep the wolves at bay for a time , but Tiago and friends were indulging in target practice and nobody was going to stop them. The most important thing about this result is that the others in Group G have to do a lot more than just win or draw to advance. As usual, goal difference plays a big a part in the fate of the other teams.  Too bad they forgot that in the early stages. All those missed shots and cautious draws will come back to haunt more than a few teams between tomorrow and the final reckoning for the 16 teams going into the knock out rounds. The  North Koreans, we can only hope, will not be badly treated on returning home, should be proud of their performance. If they had been  an English club side, they could have kicked around fizzy pop for several years. Before I forget, the other thing I took personally from this match and judging from the reactions of mates, is that we still with a passion, want to do terrible things to that grinning oily twat Christiano Ronaldo. It was fun for a while seeing him  increasingly frustrated at his inability to score, sadly he broke his duck in the end. Seems memories are long and we all still feel the sting of going out on pens to a bunch of diving cheats who were the principle perpetrators of crimes against football in that infamous Portugal Holland match of 2006.

Chile Switzerland was an entirely other kettle of fish. The 1-0 result flatters the winners and is one of the most poorly officiated matches of this tournaments. 9 yellows and 1 red. Mad ref K Al Ghamdi did all he could to destroy any tempo to the game with a continuous stream of mostly ridiculous yellow cards whose only effect was to stop the match in its tracks. At one point it was clear players were worried about even moving a bit for fear of attracting the attention of the card happy official. The biggest problem was the clear intention of the ref to curtail any kind of body contact that would be taken for granted anywhere else and for the first half of the match kept Chile from getting anywhere near goal. To the bankers credit, the Swiss defence did do an admirable job of stripping Chile of the ball several times and stymieing any penetration...in other words they parked the bus. In case you didn't know, Switzerland now hold the record for not conceding  a goal in 551 minutes, surpassing Italy as the stingiest defence in the World Cup  . Chile will in fact rue the missed chances and the missed penalty. Near the end they almost conceded a goal  that would have left the result 1-1, a disaster if you consider what it takes to get out of the group stage. In the end you should ignore the fan boys at ITV going on about the famous victory, Chile did not do enough with it's chances and may well end up paying with an early trip home.

Liverpool v Honduras was a better show, despite the minnows never getting near the Spanish keeper, it was at least pretty football. for most of the match. 2-0 does in fact reflect the honest result, Honduras defended well and were a worthy opponent. There was bit of rough stuff and we saw the use of a bog roll as on pitch treatment to a nasty split lip. TBH if the Saudi ref had been at this one the card haul would have been twice as high. But football isn't a rough sport for nothing, we got a good physical  match with some pretty passing.  Only problem again is the scoreline, 2-0 may not be enough to get out of the group. Spain never really turned on the heat like Portugal or Germany. It's all still to play for and Spain know they could have nailed down the spot if they had tried earlier and harder .

Coronation Street has nothing on the continuing goings on in the France Camp and England, both having hotted up even more. The French practised today. several players were seen perfecting hostage demands in between passes and penalty takes while Raymond Domenech received the Minister of Sport sent in to get the children in line. While I will never advocate open rebellion for no good reason, these players have cause and plenty of it. Larent Blanc, Manchester United legend is to take up the managerial post after the team returns, and if the trend continues that's  tomorrow night . The only people who seem to think there is nothing wrong with the status quo are Domenech, the FFF and the Government. The tradition of knowing better goes back a long way and shows no sign of waning. In stead of keeping Anelka around and sending in Blanc early, they will persist in destroying the souls of those players. I cannot bring myself to guess how the France South Africa match will pan out, but the South Africans have an excellent chance to go out winners.

Across the channel so to speak, in the England camp, John Terry inexplicably was allowed to have a press conference, followed on by a bit with Capello on ITV. You can read the summary here , but it's clear from  Capello and the FA that it's the last chance saloon time for Capello. Win on Wednesday and he's saved his job for two years, loose or draw and he's gone. I'm torn, I'd love to see the lads win, but I want Capello gone. As far as he's concerned he's done nothing wrong and the players are being dramatic for nothing. As you know, I have argued that our players are spoilt, uncommitted and rudderless, this only explains the normal mediocrity we suffer from. What is happening now goes way beyond that, England are not quite the basket case France is but when  Capello says there is no revolution.....I say  BOLLOKS. The thick black smoke coming from behind him is telling another story. I would be happy of a win, but I won't for a second think it has anything to do with the manager nor will I delude myself into thinking we are world beaters.

Because the English football fan needs to find solace somewhere,  he nuzzles at the teet of someone else's misfortune, it's Perverse!.  So I'll be watching  France v South Africa  as for the second set of matches, here's hoping the footie is worth splitting ourselves in two for.

Same song different verse or rise of the rank referee

The best thing that can be said of today is that it was consistent. Having set the standard yesterday, we continue to see shocking decisions and even more shocking play. I can't say that this world cup is as bad as say 2002. It's not as dirty. I can't say it's as strange as Euro 2008, it's less inexplicable. No, World Cup 2010 is the strangest world cup I have ever witnessed . We've had the atmosphere and eardrum destroying vuvuzelas, we've had a ball that never ever curls down, we've had weather I never associate with Africa or any country that much south or low on the ground. We've had big Euro sides dissolve before our eyes and now the final straw, the incompetent ref. I thought that these low creatures had been rounded up and sent to Sunday side parks after 2002, but no they are back and doing reputation destroying damage. At it's core the original problem was the fact that the local librarian from Ulan Bator or the used car dealer from Uttar Pradesh was allowed to officiate a match with multi million pound contract professional players. These superstars of football were going to at best over awe the amateur  referee and at worse bring out the autocratic demon residing in each and every one of us. I too will be able to book a star. I insignificant full time accountant who has never officiated a professional match, will show the big star just who's boss. You combine that sort of thinking and you get the mess we  witnessed today. More on that as and when we get to it.

Slovakia v Paraguay was everything I expected it to be. An outclassed Slovakia only ever got close enough to goal once and even than it wasn't anything to break a sweat over. Slovakia could have easily been told to stay home and been replaced by the Irish for all the impact they've had on the tournament. Paraguay and it's roster of Premiership and other world league players ran circles around Slovakia eventually scoring 2 goals to knock the stuffing out a weak side. Paraguay should be considered strong favourites to go far in the tournament, one of many South American teams expected to dominate the knock out rounds. Well officiated, well played, it was typical of all games where one side managed the risk, then struck to finish the job of getting  three points.

Italy v New Zealand was a surprise to anybody who expected the Italians to roll in and outclass the start up Kiwis. But if you'd been following things closer you wouldn't have been at all been shocked to see Italy struggle to make any kind of impact on a supposedly weaker side. From the opening goal by Shane Smetz , Italy were forced to fight back from a goal down. the fact they never  did manage to score a goal in open play makes the penalty all the more galling. Vincenzo Iquinta acted like he was some kind of super hero football God  right after the pen went in. His exuberance and confidence would be less annoying if it had been matched by some real attacking prowess by his team mates following the pen. As it is, they just fell asleep again expecting New Zealand to just let them in. No such luck. In fact if it weren't for the pen , it's absolutely certain that Italy would have lost 1-0. They never once seemed close to scoring a single goal. On top of that , even without Gatuso playing, the diving kicking and dirty tricks continued till the final whistle. If Italy think they can win a world cup like this they will have a massive shock in store should they get out of group stage and face any of the teams that came here to play football. I don't rate them to go far or make much of a mark. New Zealand on the other hand , on the back of this performance be able to hold head high however far they go. While I can't for certain say Guatemalan ref Carlos Batres was incompetent or biased, he seemed to only see Kiwi faults  handing out three yellow cards . The penalty awarded to Italy smacked of massive inconsistency or an over zealous application of the rules. Shirt tugging is illegal yes, there was obvious shirt tugging, was it a penalty? No way. Free kick , yellow card, but never a penalty. In matches  before and after this one,  shirts were pulled all over the place  but not a word was said about it. I doubt he'll get another match after this. As shifty as this referee might have seemed the next guy made him look like a wise man.

Brazil Ivory coast, the most anticipated fixture of the day was incredible in it's array of stars and spectacular styles of play we would could hope to see, even Didier Drogba was going to play. How good was this going to be? Well we didn't have long to wait for the idealism to slip into crass opportunism. Lucio and Drogba competed with each other for best dive without once being booked while a player who had a very real cramp was booked for time wasting. While the final result of 3-1 wasn't far from the truth, it was a skewed result.. that 2nd Brazilian goal was a double hand ball that the ref clearly saw. This however didn't stop him from asking "did you handle the ball?" No Guv I swear"  was the answer. And Frenchman Stephane Lannoy believed him , goal stood. I'd like to tell you about some of the spectacular parts of the 2nd half , but I prefer to go on about how Kader Keita intentionally went out of his way to get KAKA sent off. Not only did KAKA never touch him, he grabbed at his face and fell rolling on the ground like he was hit by a sniper bullet. This bit of theatrics would be pretty funny if he hadn't convinced the ref. Added to the soft yellow from before and KAKA was sent off while Keita looked smug and satisfied with himself. I hope and suspect that the officials will review the tape and slap a multiple game ban on this idiot and lift the KAKA red card. It's unfair to deny a player, as good and as unfairly targeted, the privilege of playing in the remainder of Brazil's matches. Between the double hand ball and the KAKA sending off, the ref covered himself in the kind of attention that gets you officiating at the Arctic circle.

Speaking of French people... The fun continued today at France base camp. Patrice Evra had words with fitness director Robert Duverne. the frustrated director un happy with the French Captain's attitude left South Africa and the players left the training ground. They did however take time sign autographs and board the coach back to the hotel. In a further bizarre twist, Raymond Domenech, under siege manager, was given a statement to read to the press. Bottom line , the players want Anelaka to come back and seem to be in all but complete control of their cell block. Now I know all over Ireland people are laughing, crying, and lighting candles in church thanking God for the apparent poetic justice. I don't deny you the mirth , but do remember that they may have beaten you fairly and still have had the meltdown. There is a crisis in French football that will take longer to heal than just naming a new gaffer. The only silver lining here is that they  make the palaver going on in the England camp seem tame by comparison. If you're wondering, they have to play the next match, question is who will be in charge. Will like a few years ago, when Becks managed the side against Argentina unofficially, the French players  make their own decisions and humiliate Domenech further by producing a spectacular win. Or will the stubborn Frenchman make things worse by not stepping aside.

Meanwhile back at the England camp they had a team clearing of the air. In an interview dripping with irony, John Terry couldn't see where the problem was. I invite you to shout the answer at your screens , but don't forget to mention John Terry himself. Such a figure of  trust, no one feels safe leaving their pet goldfish with him lest he try to sleep with it. Capello to his credit seems to be retreating into a shell of non answers and shoulder shrugs. I have come to the conclusion that it takes a an almighty huge talent to be England manager. It's possible that like the Dalai Lhama, there is only ever one person alive at any given time who is the chosen one for this job from hell. Problem is that the FA haven't the connections or the bottle to find this person and hire him. We've tried English managers , foreign managers and now very likely yet another unofficial player manager. I doubt that I will see in my lifetime a winning English side until this mess is sorted out once and for all.

On the lighter side of things, we heard a one of the stranger moments on telly. After 10 days reporting some mostly dull and sometimes shockingly bad matches , the BBC commentary duo  working the Brazil Ivory coast match snapped. They descended into school boy antics ,calling each other Muppet and Scrooge respectively. It's been hard on everybody, you'd go barmy too if you had to stay interested in every last minute of this tournament. Moving along to more pleasant duties, I know a great number of you may be wondering who the actress in the Sky broadband advert is who says "perverse" so deliciously. You'll  be happy to know she is Ivica Slavikova , former Miss Slovakia 2005. What you do with that in google is none of my business, but you won't be disappointed.

Three more matches tomorrow and most likely three totally unexpected results. I wont even pretend to guess how any of these will turn out.

Shell shocked Brazilians and Sexy North Koreans

Well no one saw that one coming. Not even the most cautions pundit or reckless crystal ball gazer. Closest we came was a bit of sarcasm . Sarcasm by the way is the only way to get through most of the arid excitement free matches we've been subjected to. Between the vuvuzelas and the ubber cautious teams afraid to commit to anything beyond a draw, football fans have had to wait and wait and wait for the first signs of healthy competitive aggression.  My first WC memories are from the 70's , and from that time to this , I don't think I've ever had to endure quite as many uninspired performances as this World Cup. I expected fire works from Portugal, I also expected shin kicking, bad tackles an loads of diving. While the later was in abundance, goals were not. Cote D'Ivoire, not a team to be taken lightly, played hard and defended well, but considering the talent and fire power on the Portuguese bench, it's obvious they were not willing to try force the game. It was like watching Arsenal play Chelsea minus the killer instinct of Didier Drogba who was inexplicably made a sub. My one highlight of  Svenn v Ronaldo as ITV put it, was seeing Christiano Ronaldo getting booked early and hard. I cannot tell with what passion I loathe the greasy stain that used to play at Man U, his smugness and lack of gratitude towards Alex Ferguson is shocking beyond belief. Clearly since he's left Old Trafford, his old and very bad habits have returned with a vengeance. As for Svenn Goren Useless, I could not believe we needed a primer on the career of this most recent in a string of rubbish England managers, perhaps a few in depth reports on Ivorian players not in already in the top flight might have been in order. I suspect however that the real problem is that most of the build up is geared to tourists, people who join the football addicted in the family for a few matches every 2 years. Just yesterday, the BBC spent most of it's time apologising for the lack of goals. Like a fellow obsessive pointed out in the nerd cave, real supporters are used to nil nil or 1-0 results. Real football is more than a scoreline. I've seen more exciting draws on derby days than you can shake a stick at. Something I haven't done much lately as I was told I could put somebody's eye out. The skill in a well made save or the spectacle of a defence that strips opponents effortlessly of the ball is a pleasure to behold.  Goals aren't everything, we do need them but they aren't everything.

The match where all those skills were on display, was North Korea v Brazil. It was a master class in premiership quality football. If I'm honest, I was expecting a bloodbath, a humiliating exercise reminiscent of the 8-0 punishment Saudi Arabia suffered a few World Cups ago. Instead we had a nil nil first half where we realised the plucky ( I hate that word) but it applies here, team from Glorious Leader land weren't just a bunch of political prisoners living on gruel and fear. The fact they held off a frankly scary good Brazilian side is testament  to the skill and determination of these players to show they are for real. I never thought in a million years that I'd find myself cheering for a bloodthirsty dictatorship, but there you are. The other thing to take from today's result is simple, even if Brazil managed a 2-1 result, it hides the fact that they were  not as good as Germany in a similarly one sided fixture were far more successful in crushing their minnow opponents. Kaka and his samba boys are not to be taken lightly, but hardly the immovable force that will trip up Germany. At one pont, Bazilians were seen to be openly appealing to God. Surely this means they will be easily rattled by more efficient less emotional sides.Both Chile and Spain play today. Perhaps one of those two will show the form required to challenge for the final or they will join the other also rans who are fighting for the privilege to be taken out last by the eventual finalists. One other element needs pointing out is the rain. Been terribly English  and will benefit teams with players who practice their club football in the Premiership and fizzy pop.

So how am I bearing up to the schedule? I've made a concious decision to not miss a single match if I can. This means that I have become used to eating and taking care of  non footie related life stuff between the 2nd and final match of the day. I take a long nap, ok I sleep for 5 hours shortly after the evening final whistle and have started passing on a so called "normal" timetable. You need to know something, my wife and I are writers, consequently getting up earlier than 10 am or even noon on a Saturday is against our religion, so you would think  the World Cup would be a dawdle. Problem is, this world cup has proven a bit more of a challenge. You need life affirming food and drink, or the dull matches will destroy any chance you have of staying awake. If I'm not careful, next time I nod off, I might stay asleep for 8 hours straight. Before sitting down to write this, I spent the last three hours doing dishes, sorting laundry and cleaning the cat toilet. If we had waited any longer , the house would be worthy of a teenagers pit or a dorm room after a particularly good party.  Non footie associates  know better than to ring me for the next month about anything remotely time consuming, our telly has been reduced to football with breaks to keep our eyes from dropping out of their sockets. It' all about discipline and not forgetting to eat and pee. So far so good, looks like we'll make Marathon without dropping dead right after delivering the message.

Apologies to those of you waiting for purple prose praising Father and Son or prime picks of premium musical promotion ( say that 10 times fast). Until the opening group stages settle down, I'm afraid there will be little else. I'm not completely addled, Doctor Who has my full attention and  I'm gagging to make a giant vat of  beef and barley soup. Beat Surrender still fuels the brain cells when writing these blog posts and I hope you are taking the opportunity to listen.  Also NE Pride, I know for a fact has had some listens as well. so , keep it up dear readers and give the programmes and stations listed on the side, they deserve you support and will not disappoint, regardless of your personal taste in music.

Kick off in a few hours, so best get some food prepared  and gird our loins for the coming day of sitting on our arse. Match of the day if you only watch one , is Spain v Switzerland.  Have fun and support a good side.  These teams are not the entire nation they are collections of talented humans, May the best ones make the final.

Curse of the rubbish Goal keeper or the Clown Keeper Convention

Finally a mystery worthy of the great Sherlock Homes himself. What has happened to the goal keepers of the world. It's like a virus has struck anybody standing between to sticks. Suddenly these highly paid professionals cannot seem to stop a ball often struck so poorly that you wonder if a settee surfing lay about (Yes I'm talking about you) couldn't have got his mitts around the thing. . You have to wonder hadn't you, just why the footie Gods have chosen to afflict this World Cup first with vuvuzelas and now an apparent epidemic of the dropsies.

I can't speak for the vuvuzelas, except to say that if you find them annoying there are measures you can take, starting with your television . Go to your advanced settings and reduce the treble to NIL, this won't make the bees go away, but they won't drill into your head so badly. You can also have a moan to FIFA .This blight on the ears has one positive effect, well several, firstly it has united fans from the planet over, including Africa, to call for a ban. Don't let anybody tell you it's just Europeans and we are being insensitive to the local culture. That is the PC position adopted by some bleeding hearts who would rather discuss the role of empire rather than watch some decent football. The other  benefit is that I have at long last found a way to drown out Mick McCarthy's bizarre mutterings about "two columns of four" and other strange incantations.  I'm certain if you listen long enough , you can hear a special message from God letting you know that you're a click away from great insurance rates if you use wesellanymeercats.com.

Mick wasn't alone in having a hard day though, Mark Lawrenson, Scouse legend in his own mind, was on the verge of self immolation during the Japan Cameroon match. Several pleas for clemency were made, but the referee refused to call time at the 60th minute. I'm sure there have been more boring matches  in this tournament, but Japan Cameroon was by far the least memorable and most reminiscent of a classic defensive battle of wits in a Fizzy pop (Cola Championship) relegation dogfight. You don't want to loose but you don't want to attack in case the other side proves less rubbish than you and sends you packing to league 1.

The gloom lifted finally when Italy v Paraguay kicked off. Italy perennial whingers left the blocks in a leisurely bolt in search of the goal to hunker down behind and defend. Sadly for Italy, Paraguay  scored a pretty goal that was well organized and executed. After this, Italy had to play to survive. For his trouble, the best goal keeper of the tournament thus far, was sent off by his own manager. I suppose Buffon hadn't got the memo about the new international standard . Not to worry, the Paraguayan keeper did, and in keeping with the bar set by Rob Green, he promptly surpassed it. Would you like to know why he couldn't stop the ball? Sun in his eyes, bit of dust, maybe his defenders distracted him? Could have been the cute little bird on the pitch, and he was incredibly cute. You give up? He was waving to a mate in the crowd and wasn't paying attention. Just when did this World Cup become the Ringling Brothers Comedy convention of crap Keepers?

Before we get too wrapped in  the colourful characters currently inflicting pain on their own supporters, ask yourself a question. Have you noticed that highly skilled professionals who play club football , are stars in their own right, cannot seem to complete passes properly. I'm not saying all the time, just enough to make you wonder if there isn't something else happening. How is that two players who regularly pass to each other almost instinctively, cannot seem to be able to control the ball.? I'm no expert, but I can make an educated guess. That ball we been using in the Champions League , that ball we been hearing about for months, that ball players have been slating since it was introduced, seems unstable. It bounces like a tennis ball, but gets trapped by the slightest breeze and rolls funny. Imagine if a new golf ball was introduced and near every pro  suddenly started killing innocent spectators with rogue golf balls. Unlike FIFA, the governing bodies of golf would quickly move to change the ball back.  While I'd love to blame the vuvuzela or Mick McCarthy and his incantations, I can't. Adidas has to shoulder some of the blame. They have made a ball that is one improvement too far. At some point there will be the penultimate ball. The Aristotelian football we are not worthy of building but one day will, or has that football come and gone? As players and spectators, we need a ball that will be a long term standard that will insure a uniformity of play experience if you have a decent pitch.

Three more matches and the arrival finally, of the other team that will be expected to put on a show. Brazil play hapless North Korea at 7:30 pm UK time ( sorry its on ITV)  so best to avoid the build-up and just tune in the match. With luck two things will happen, ITV won't cut away to an advert as  Kaka scores the goal of the tournament, and the comedy keeper curse won't strike again. Portugal v Ivory Coast promises to be equally entertaining, though if I'm honest, I hope the oily twat Christiano Ronaldo has a terrible World Cup.

Nearly forgot, today also saw the official appearance of the World Cup babes. The women who have been missing since Friday, have made it to their seats and are being beamed around the world to appreciative men who hither to have had to look at trannies and oddly dressed mascot fans in giant sperm costumes. Brazil and Portugal will be a treat ! 

I would tell you about some brilliant programmes on telly, but after 6 hours of football and little sleep I was only able to fit in today's Corrie and Jonathan Dimbleby before I passed out for a well deserved rest.

Next kick off in a few hours, best get some laundry in before we're trapped for another 6 hours. Laters all, enjoy the football and remember, support the best team, not the team Adrian Chiles brow beats you about .