James May's Man Lab: Drink tea & sort things out

In the last outing for BBC2's James May's Man Lab, Captain Slow pulls all the threads together to finish up this 3 part series who's professed aim is to save us men from our own mediocrity. I was a little frustrated watching as two things put me out of sorts, one was this was the last of the series (for now at least) and that I was forced to choose between Man Lab and Garrow's Law over on BBC1. Seems 9:00 pm is the new prime time, if the powers that be at the BBC had stopped think about it, the people most likely to watch James May are also the people most likely to watch Garrow's law ( review here soon ). As it is, I ended up watching the latter on the iPlayer, but only after I'd watched MOTD2. It's not everyday when your derby enemies beat up on Chelsea 3-0, there was no way I was missing that highlight package. Even I was happy for the SMBs, I suppose it doesn't hurt once a year or so, so long as I don't make a habit of it.

Being consistent, James May was as surrealistic and poetic as ever, quoting Thomas Moore, Henry the 5th and Thomas Hardy. No matter what he touched, it was tinged with a layer reminding of an age when men were genteel and took honour seriously. A man's word should be his bond but he should also be able to have a quick turn of phrase even while appearing to be for all intents and purposes, a 9 year old boy setting off fireworks to lift the spirits of a mate. Let it never be said that Man Lab does not have a deeply embedded sense of humour that keeps even the most depressing event from getting it down. Which brings us to the first of many treats on offer in this last episode in the current series. Seems our friend Tom the director is turning 45. So to the the tune of Bowie's Major Tom, we learn of the two basic types of firework... Stars and sparks! We also learn the various components needed to make the two effects but are wisely NOT told how to assemble the rockets. Moving on to the fun bit, May then embarks on an exhaustive series of test fires insured to research the best fireworks, of which there are hundreds we're told, in aid of selecting which to use for the birthday boy.

Taking a break for the man task, Outnumbered and Mock the Week comedian Hugh Dennis tries to beat his best wallpaper time of 42 minutes 46 sec.. ( incidentally the same time all the other times were), but fails his man task only getting half the wall done. Somewhat better than last week, it still was not as good as the rest of the programme.

Having alerted air traffic control and asked for a firing time, set the explosives in position , including the mobile picnic table, Man Lab hopes and prays the two stage rocket they had built, fires for the massive finale so anticipated. The result is as oddly pleasing as the two stage rocket is a bit of a dud. Rather than climb high in the sky, the thing rises a bit and then turns back right over the firing area, spraying sparks and fire on an unsuspecting lawn and scaring an innocent deer who had happened to wander nearby. Good thing it was James May and not Clarkson, else the tidal wave of 10 letters to ofcom would have been surely off at super offended speed.  What the blast lacked in wow factor that oozed from the Top Gear Space shuttle disaster, still reckoned to be the greatest ever explosion on telly, it made up for in laughs.

Not content with blowing some things up for the joy of others, May organises Operation Romeo. Having discovered that the lovely Casandra has been impressed with the cubist ( two noses) etching of her made by Charlie of episode one, and agreed to go to lunch with him.The full range of kit and personnel are assembled to insure that not only Charles impresses, but gets a 2nd date. Parked in the date van, May and a cohort are armed with poetry, an ear piece and have the bistro wired for sound and video. It all goes as well as you would expect, even extracting a 2nd lunch after a particularly excruciating poetry reading dictated by earpiece. Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz would be proud of them all. Based on the above experience, there are a few important conclusions that will help all males out to impress.

1- Be a listener not a talker
2- Show interest in her
3- Don't ask her age
4- And most important ... FIND OUT IF SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND FIRST.

Well that was a complete waste of time, but not to worry, in a segment bound to please the complicated male fun cortex, we go to war against the flying pest that is  the blue bottle. Keeping in mind the British spirit of fair play, May unleashes the Anoracus Nerdica , or toy helicopter armed with camera and fly paper to engage in combat and capture offending flies. In this sporting tussle, only one fly gets stuck and the rest remain free to lay eggs and be annoying, but, honour is satisfied .

Speaking of honour, remember last week when they duelled with pistols and asked us to write in? Seems two old mates have been selected to settle a 25 year petty dispute that's been allowed to stain the reputations of the friends. Each claims the other is a coward or a liar. This week the duellists elect to use sabres and take to the disused warehouse of  honour. After much Brontesque flowery speech, the combatants engage in ferocious battle that results in Max breaking his mate's blood bags first and delivering the killing blow. Personal orgueil or pride having been restored, the victor and the seconds are urged to leave before the constables arrive.  If you are involved in a petty dispute, drop James may a line at manlab@bbc.co.uk  Mark your subject line "I demand satisfaction".

Falling deeper into insanity, Man Lab then takes the Anoracus Nerdica2 outside and aims squarely at the greatest enemy of mankind since Ghenghis khan came out of the East! Yes the evil wasp, ruination of every picnic, lunch and quiet read in the park you've ever been to. James sets a clever trap of jam sandwiches and arms the the copter with air to wasp missiles ( left over fireworks from the birthday party). No fair play here, total war is waged as the unsuspecting wasps are attacked by several waves of remote controlled launched rockets. Final score?  One wasp dead at the cost of a table cloth and all the sandwiches.

The Lovely Gemma

Lest some of you accuse James May of being addicted to senseless violence and mayhem, proof is offered of the artistic side of the man in the final two segments. In the first, Fit lass Gemma helps James May make a public information film..."The plumber comes". If the critics assembled in the purpose built Man Lab Odeon are to be believed, it's Citizen Kane and Jaws all rolled into one. I suspect they may have been paid off, as the film more resembled an ok 70's porn film. I had a Doctor Who moment when John Pertwee was shown presenting his classic Green cross code ,May's inspiration, sadly it was wasted as my wife was about to tell me an equally fascinating Pertwee fact. The stand out moment in the segment had to be the conversation May has with himself over a pint in the Man Lab bar. Bemoaning the fact that all English cinema  is either northern brass bands hating Thatcher or silly posh men falling in love, he pulls himself a pint and talks to himself. Not since Doctor Who (Throughton in the Enemy of the World) decided to save money and did the evil twin thing, has a single actor shared the screen with himself so well on the BBC.

May and company then soothe the savage beast with the sound of music. But before St-Martin in the fields can be the scene of sort of beautiful music, May has to confess to the sin of having neglected his own conducting skills and  is forced to practice that most manly of skills, swallowing his pride and asking a previously rejected trumpet player to join the orchestra if only for three notes. After much faffing about, putting on James May shirts and extrication of foreign object from an instrument, we hear the Man Lab medley capped with the stirring patriotic sound of God Save the Queen. Perhaps out of  genuine appreciation or just the joy of them finishing , the orchestra gets a standing ovation for their efforts. Closing the segment and the episode with an epic Churchillian speech, May urges us to live up to the manly ideals and never forget the manly arts handed down to us from our fathers and grandfathers.

We are left with the promise of more next year and even that poor man in France might yet be rescued. Judging by the reception of the series and the traffic I been getting for Man Lab, the BBC would be silly not to commission a new series of this odd, slightly melancholy mixture of comedy and call to arms.

Catch up the series here or visit the Man Lab main page

James May's Man Lab: Shaggy dog stories and bog rolls

In the James May's Man Lab continuing mission to rescue us men from pacification inflicted on us, over 40 years of health and safety, sensitivity training and general loss of curiosity or urgency about life. Captain Slow opens the ep with a bold statement that insinuates most men under a certain age wouldn't know the inside of a tool box if it hit them on the head. In fact 8000 men a year are reported using  a flat bladed screw driver as a chisel. I assume the reporting comes from the various casualty wards these men are taken to after having abused said tool or being hit on the head by random tool boxes. I could lie to you and say that by the time I was 13, I knew how to build a house, fettle a car for a road rally, engineer an ice box using only 6 feet of plastic tubing and some chewing gum, or brew my own beer. But I could use and name most of the things in my father's tool box , as well as wire a room to pick up Radio Moscow on several loops of industrial copper wire. Pity all they ever played was farm reports and the Watergate hearings. I also picked up the skill to mend anything I put my mind to, for a while at least, with duct tape.

Mr May donning his man shirt of checked flannel, reminded me of my own oft replaced and updated collection of said shirts. There he sat laying out the bill of fare for tonight's show. We would navigate with a dog, duel for honour, save pubs, change a tire and tootle a horn with a load of other people. If you watched the first episode, you'll know it sort of knocks around from one thing to another and then back again. Chaos and randomness may in fact be the way the natural patterns of life manifest themselves in the world of Man Lab, but for the sake of simplicity I'll try to sum up the projects in a more orderly manner. There are also the man skill test and cause of the week.

Saving Pubs first up in the programme as it's important. Of course it's important, we loose 40 pubs a day, at this rate there will be no place to watch the football, have a drink or meet your mates in cosy surroundings that aren't infested with gastro food menus that'll cost you a week's wages to order. What I ask you, is wrong with a proper pint and some pies or a bag of scratchings? Nothing , and yet everyday that goes by , your local is that much closer to closing down and you'll have to drink cheap lager at home alone watching what Katie did next with your missus. Poetry and prose, never far from the surface, shows up again as May bangs on about the Post nuclear bolt hole safe from bad suds. But to have this man cave of beer, you need to build it. The fun begins with the putting up of shelves with special dowels designed to level the shelf, we stare at them in awe for a bit and admire the work of the genius who came up with that.

Having selected a suitably vile pattern based on one of his shirts,  the hard part comes when somebody has to demonstrate the lost art of wallpaper hanging. Can any of the crew do it? No, none of them can? Can May?  no he's never done it ....Wait here comes Mark Linsey BBC head of entertainment, let's ask him.  I just came here for a cup of tea, what you mean  none of you can do this? In the end he volunteers to do the job showing us how to paste and hang the wretched stuff.  My own experience with wallpaper is that it's great once hung, but a mighty test of the cohesion of a relationship regardless of whom you do it with.  Be entirely sure you can cooperate with somebody before you try this, you may never talk to them again.  May avoids the whole mess by letting Linsey do the job by himself, proper self sacrifice that, in the struggle to maintain a friendship.  Lastly the beer keg needs setting up. I never knew you needed to poke holes into a highly pressurized barrel likely to soak you, twice! This time, not trusting his own ability to ignore the call of fresh beer , which we're assured is like a siren to a randy sailor, May let's somebody else near the potentially lethal keg with a spike and a hammer. "Oh come to me pretty pint and quench my spirit" .... Actually was more like ....

Dreaming when Dawn's Left Hand was in the Sky, 
I heard a voice within the Tavern cry,
     "Awake, my Little ones, and fill the Cup
Before Life's Liquor in its Cup be dry."Omar Khayyam 

Who says being a man means being an unromantic knuckle dragger eh? In the spirit of art, let me tell you about the Man Lab orchestra. We have all taken grade one music, 73,000 in fact, by the end of grade one 20.000 of us have abandoned the effort in the first year,  most follow soon after that. I myself at the age of 7 or 8 learned piano at home from a past master of classic and jazz piano, but to his alarm, played so well by ear I didn't take my exercises that seriously. Then in school I took up soprano sax for a year. I was never that good but I wasn't that bad either. This of course would qualify me for the orchestra, now while my piano might not of been that bad had I auditioned, James May and  poor soul Victoria had to listen to a load of eardrum killers far worse than I ever was. We'll be hearing the results next week. Allegedly two weeks of training to come, the first try of God Save the Queen , sounded more like a bunch of 8 years olds . St Martin in the Fields will never recover from this I suspect.

Before we enter the world of the barking mad, let's have the celebrity man task. Today , John Sergeant changes a tire, and hopes to better his previous time of 42 minutes  46 seconds , set some time in 1964.  Charged with 6 school boy errors, he still managed to shave a few seconds of his old time. The most entertaining part of this was hearing John Sergeant have a moan about being penalised for raising the car form a spot other than the one proscribed by the manufacturer of the car. As segments go, had it not been for the celebrity guest, I could have cared less.  Almost as exciting as tightening the door knob.

And now welcome to the back of the magic wardrobe at Man lab....For all the passive dimwits who've lost the skill to read a map or navigate, like my father in law who depends on his satnav Sheila, we sail to the rescue of Oz Clarke who is waiting to be picked up on a French beach heavy laden with a basket of contraband wine and cheese. This one stuck to the philosophy of if you can't be complicated, it's not worth doing it. First we get a history lesson in how the Royal Navy tried a number of different things before hitting on the methods we now take for granted to navigate the seas, you know like compasses and sextants or cross staffs. Just in case the experimental method fails, May and crew were armed with  proper modern tools. You see as we find out later, no fake jeopardy for our lot, it's all very real and health and safety won't allow any harm to come to any one. As for the method they are testing,  it's very scientific and based in ancient folklore long associated with sailing... Honest it is. But as I said, just in case it's a load of Rollocks....

So you need a few things ..... A dog , a knife and some sympathy powder. It all makes sense once it's explained.

1- You take the knife and injure the dog with it, thus bounding the knife with it's victim

2- Then you have somebody dip the knife in the sympathy powder at noon in London. What this does, is brilliant.... the memory of the injury crosses the distance and causes the dog to bark , letting you know it was noon in London, assuming you had been on course all along, you would know where you were and could for example aim for la belle France. .

Simples yes???

Well, to achieve the same results without harming Dodger the dog, James May makes him listen to Subo warble "I dreamed the dream".  Horrible nasty man..... He then has the CD dipped in the sympathy powder at the proper time.... turn signal sorted!

Only problem was, when Dodger started barking, they were in the middle of gale force winds and even the Captain of the boat was agitated. Clearly it was a load of .... Next week we try once more, let's hope Oz hasn't drunk all the wine yes? By the way, isn't Dodger the Top Gear dog?

Staying in the land of the mentally challenged, ever wonder how to solve the problem of the empty bog roll? There's always the wait principle, you wait for somebody else to change it and use the netty, bog, khazi, kludgie, loo, jacks and for my Australian readers....dunny, of a neighbour. Or you could use the patented Man Lab bog roll  alarm. This canny device essentially waits for the roll to be near empty and detects the pre-set level needed to set off the Awoogha sounding alarm. The actual noise is triggered when you lower the seat into position to sit down, thus saving you the bother of getting stuck in only to realize you'll be trapped there without so much as a square to wipe yourself with. Now that you know you need a fresh bog roll, you can simply call for the train, send a post it note ......

And lastly before you return through the layer of coats to normality, we learn how to engage in a duel. Before you say it's of no use at all, my own grandfather was a duel judge in the Polish army of the 20's.  They first had to agree to a method, one wanted swords the other pistols, so my grandfather suggested swords at 20 paces....  So where were we? Seems James May and his producer have got into an e-mail test of wills about May stealing his producer's parking spot. In order to shorten the entire exercise and resolve it before it gets tiresome, May has suggested a duel.

Duels, the rules and etiquette of duelling were established in 15th century Italy, a time people were duelling wily nilly, as opposed to simply brawling, then the more familiar  Irish code duello of 1777 came along for the English speaking world, followed by the French Duel a volonté in which you retreat to about 35 paces, walk at the signal and whoever gets to the 20 paces spot shoots first, but woe betide the man who misses first.

Before you get to the business of shooting, you need to establish impertinence to justify the satisfaction of honour by deadly weapon. To lure his producer and extract the required impertinence, May rings up the man and suggests he is  familiar with the practice of onanism. In other words,  he is a banker. "What you on about you idiot",  and we're off to the duelling!

First they tried the the single smooth shot from a standing position, missing each other and apparently taking out an expendable sound man.  Having thus nearly hurt themselves, health and safety demanded they use modified pistols for the duel a volonté. So armed with paint ball pistols, they drew up, walked to 20 paces and shot....
You'll have to watch to find out if May ever steals a parking spot again.

Next week Oz maybe gets rescued from France, and we go back into the the magic wardrobe for more insanity.

If you've an unresolved question of honour, drop him a line at manlab@bbc.co.uk  Mark your subject line "Damn you sir, I will run you through"

You may also wish to visit the Man Lab home page.

James May's Man Lab: Get excited and make things

Get excited and make things! A real man's motto. Posh Top Gear 8 year old, James May, leads us on a merry adventure through the rediscovery of the lost manly arts. In his struggle against cappuccino culture, moisturisers  and the manicured man, he takes every opportunity to make us laugh as only our inner little boy can.  Apparently 8 out of 10 men today cannot wire a plug. Sad statistic considering that when I went to school we had to learn that and so much more. I can still make a wobbly table or weld an ugly ashtray out of sheet metal. I'm well hard I am !.

 (PS: Episode 2 review posted ).
         Episode 3 review posted

So lets find out how your man skills are, can you diffuse a bomb? Serenade a woman? Shine shoes good enough  to see yourself? Can you assemble flat pack furniture from that store that rhymes with idea? One out of three ain't bad, but consider the fact Germany dropped an average of 85 dud bombs a day during the blitz, it's at least one skill maybe I should brush up on. As for serenading my lovely wife, I'm not so sure I'd want to inflict my singing voice on anybody, let alone my wife, but as she already loves me, I'll keep my romancing skills up by fixing things and throwing out the rubbish whilst speaking in rhyme. Speaking of poetry, James May is not shy about getting all heroic ode and purple prosaic about the classic man that has nearly gone extinct. His recitations amidst people pouring concrete for a 1000 year kitchen top or introspections whilst dismantling a bomb  are just one of the high points that lace through the hour of comedy and genuinely useful tips.

 You can tell May has been hanging around his Top Gear mates for too long, the sometimes less than subtle humour wrapped in near Oscar Wilde like wit,  gives us moments like when he informs us the bomb he will be disarming  is a replica stuffed with manure and Peter Andre's latest scent. Should it go off,  he would be covered in it. Throughout the episode, James May steps away from the bomb for a series of Pythonesque trips to the hardware store, and has a cup of tea delivered to him in a novel new way. Does it go off? You'll have to watch for yourself. And yes, I wanted it to go off as well, humiliation is almost de riguer in such a situation . We then have the near serious, but not quite, segment on how to woo the strumpet with Elizabethan rhyme strumming the guitar using a tuning method known as cheating. I had no idea that it could be that easy as I used to play piano and learned the hard way. James's assistant goes through with his quest to pursue the girl in gas valve repair class, with keystone cop results that promise to lead to further adventures of the kind.

My favourite skill test had to be the assembly of  flat pack furniture comedian Alex Armstrong partakes in his childhood passion and puts together a chest of drawers, hoping to beat his own personal record. The task is made even harder by deducting 5 minutes for every school boy error committed. Now I used to be rather good at this, but have since moved on to furniture made by craftsmen. But when I did do it, I used the lay it out method and follow the instruction on the plan, as, let's face it, they knew how best to go about it. James's helpful advice was designed more to wind up in a nice way than help, but that is nature of friendly male bonding type banter. What I love about flat pack isn't the stuff itself, but the idea you can build something quasi useful with just a bag of bolts and a key tool. I doubt any flatpack will ever make it onto antiques road show, but I have seen uglier things, so who knows.

During the programme, May and company descend into pure insanity bordering on the barking mad. Don't let the shoe shining with a pro or cookery bit where we learn  how to make a fish finger sandwich and condiments for, fool you. Underneath the calm collected and logical exterior of the Man Lab, lays a subconscious plane of ethereal creatures inhabiting a melting pot of Benny Hill, Charlie Chaplin, and René Magritte. During a discussion about how to get to ones dinner sat on a picnic table soooo far away while mowing the lawn, a wheel chair comes out. You would think they might alter the chair to mow lawns and  tootle over to the  table for a snack. But you'd be wrong, in a move to prove to some women I know, that men aren't even close to un complicated, James May has the table fitted with wheels and a remote control device to bring the table to HIM! Fear not dear reader, he was reading my mind as you'll see when you watch for yourself.

Mobile picnic table too simple for you?  How about a system that orders and brings things about the house without moving? While not quite Wallace and Gromit, the solution is as complicated as it is appealing to every male who ever held a remote control. In the real world you would do one of two things, you could send an e-mail to the kitchen, await confirmation of your order by e-mail and then wait for a person who's not too busy whom the person in the kitchen has tapped up, to bring it to you OR you could lift the receiver on the phone in front of you and call it into the kitchen, using the already mentioned person presumably watching Dave, to bring it to you.  The solution Captain Slow comes up with is sooo much better.

Step one- You build a miniature railroad throughout the house.

Step two- Signal ( using your station master's card) the kitchen that you require the train in your office

Step three- You use your remote control pad ( having read the owner's manual ), pressing the appropriate buttons to stop the train .

Step four- You write a post it note requesting a banana, place in rail car .

Step five: send back to the kitchen using the correct codes

Step six- wait for the fruit to come to you and press the stop signal.
Step seven- Send the train to where it is next needed when the signal box tells you to.

I don't know about you, but it works for me.

James May's Man Lab , a worthy successor to his previous series James May's Toy Stories, is an instant classic that is destined to be renewed and replayed for the next 100 years on Dave. Despite it's clear comic orientation, the programme does point out a real important piece of information.... It's time men were men again. by all means, yes cook ( I do) , but don't become so crippled with laziness and gender confusion you can't do ANYTHING useful. Men, in case you missed the wise words of Canada's Red Green...."If you can't be useful then at least be funny" . In fact I'm waiting for the duct tape segment before the series is over.  The fact is that young women are less and less attracted to the useless, spineless Jessie who lives on lager and take away. They want you to be both useful AND funny.  With James May's help it can be done.

If you've had fun doing man tasks, drop him a line at manlab@bbc.co.uk  Mark your subject line "I had fun"

Episode 2 reviewed and up as well as Episode 3